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  1. my wife yelled down from upstairs and asked do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like somebody's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it no I replied she responded how about now
  2. Please send prayers for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning, her face was all red and swollen. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade.
  3. This elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.” “That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man. “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest. “Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.
  4. I have lived in Liverpool for many years, and not once has my home ever been burgled. All the local gangs and toughs actually keep a pretty good distance and never bother me. All I had to do was stencil "Job Centre" over my door.
  5. news just in from Greece! sales in Taramasalata and Humus have slumped recently leading to fears of a double dip recession
  6. Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were the Hovis Witnesses
  7. Just accidentally put my donor card into the cash machine. It cost me an arm and a leg.
  8. IM writing this out word for word as posted on sheffield online FREE PARKING GIVEN TO HUNDREDS OF SHEFFIELD COUNCIL STAFF hundreds of Sheffield councillors and employees have access to free parking despite politicians urging residents to walk or cycle some 377 councillors and staff can use parking spaces in council owned buildings. a freedom of information request reveals
  9. There was a gathering in the village hall to talk about the supernatural, The speaker asked if anyone had seen a ghost and three people put their hand up, He then asked if anyone had made love to a ghost and one man raised his hand, the speaker invited him to the front and said to him ‘Where we’re you when you made love to the ghost? He said ‘ I am ever so sorry I thought you said a goat’!
  10. I've just got a job for halloween making plastic Draculas, there's only two of us on the production line so I've got to make every second count.
  11. A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who'd had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves. "You lying b@%&$*!" she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!" "No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
  12. Local police are hunting the kniting needle nutter - he has stabbed six people up the arse in the last 48 hours - police believe he is following some kind of pattern !
  13. Fourty gypsies arrived at heaven's pearly gates. St. Peter said "we've only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in". Five minutes later St. Peter says to God. "They've gone". God says, "What, all 40!?" St. Peter says, "No... the gates!"
  14. After attending two Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I'd like to share my experience in the hope that it will benefit others. Take your own cans 'cos they'll only have tea and soft drinks on offer.
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