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  1. I woke up this morning coughing badly, think I may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it's hard to say
  2. R.I.P Michael thanks for the Music 1969
  3. Canned Heat the original line up 1965 to 1970
  4. Paddy gets a job as a carpenter on a building site, but on his first day he forgets to wear his hard hat. As he walks under some scaffolding, a workman above drops a stanley knife and it slices Paddy's ear clean off. As Paddy screams out in pain, the whole site workforce come running, looking for the lost ear. After a few seconds a bloke finds an ear in a pile of rubble and shouts "Is this it!?" Paddy looks up and shouts back "no, mine had a pencil behind it..
  5. yes he was and so was James Hunt the 1976 F1 world champion
  6. I went into a chemist shop and asked "Do you have any bedpans?" The assistant said "I'm afraid we haven't sir. Have you tried Boots?" I said yes but it runs out the lace holes.
  7. Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be, the headstone of the oldest ever living man He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
  8. An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out: "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge. "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus." He says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him. "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks. Then the Australian calls out. "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says. "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure. The Scouser then calls out. "Oii whack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says. "Yes, I am Jesus." The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table. Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement..... "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle!" Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says. "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"
  9. another under age 13 years old nudging 14 ln the Myrtle on Alexandra road I soon got a taste for beer and never been challenged by anyone cheers
  10. me and a mate of mine had a ride out on our motorbikes and we ended up at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch on Anglesey and we stopped off for lunch and my mate asked the waitress if she could slowly tell us where we are and she replied BURRR.... GERRR.... KING
  11. A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. "It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened"... "Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs"... "That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial"...? Asks Matthew. "No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful... "I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year".. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with, "That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be"...? "Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half uncle"
  12. the wife went barmy with me tonight because I sold the vacuum cleaner I said it was only gathering dust
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