Sir_Nigel

Whaddayagonnado? The names in this piece have been changed to protect the unfairly accused. In fact, no-one mentioned here bears any relation or resemblance to anyone either living or, more importantly, dead, anywhere, OK?

A story of espionage, subterfuge and a Chinese laundry. You never live once.

Well, I think I'm all Action Manned out at the moment - but I will be posting other equally diverting posts on other subjects. Coming Soon: Tinky Winky - The Wilderness Years. thanks Sir Nigel

Action Man.

withdrawn for rewriting

Not that I care but…. I found a box of old photos in the loft the other day, dating back to the early eighties. They were mostly just embarrassing old pictures of me in my youth, which was why I’d stuck them the loft in the first place. Some of those fashions look ridiculous now. I didn’t think so at the time, of course, I thought I was the business, at the cutting edge, but somehow, over time, clothes become naff. I blame people who wear fashions for too long - that gives them a bad name and then it tars everyone with the same brush for years to come. I believe fashion should be more Stalinist in approach, ruthlessly regulated - not the designs necessarily, just how long you can wear stuff, a wear-by date perhaps, or better still - a loudspeaker van touring the streets proclaiming and shaming: Attention Everyone! Platform shoes are now OUT!, I repeat Platform shoes are now OUT! Please note: Shirts must now be tucked IN! This is a public announcement: WHITE is the new BLACK! Now hear this: Cerise is just so last season, darling, I say again.... Oi you in the burberry baseball cap, you look a right CHUFF! And yer bird looks a tart too. In such a world you could look at old pictures of yourself without embarrassment and simply think - what a shame I’m not allowed to wear that outfit any more - that was a great pair of stone-washed/stretch/distressed jeans, not to mention that lovely cap-sleeve Frankie T-shirt. These days I don’t give a damn about fashion and would hardly register on the radar of the loudspeaker van if it came down my street. In fact I fear I’m rapidly approaching the age where I’m destined to become Mr Marks and Spencer – all woolly jumpers and corduroy trousers and those shoes that look like Cornish pasties. But what can I do? – if you swim too hard against this tide of corduroy and expandable waistlines you might as well don a sandwich board proclaiming ‘Look everyone – Mid-Life Crisis going on here’. Then, inevitably, after the corduroy trousers it’ll be a downward spiral into Farahs and car coats, cardigans and death. All this from a box of photos. I must stop going into the loft.

Shorts story It's a story about shorts. Thankyou Sir Nigel

This is a short piece about strawberries. Death or Strawberries.

This is a piece about Mandy's legs. Mandy is not her real name. Her real name is Sharon. Mandy's Legs

This is just a note a to say I have changed my user name from WHEEZY to SIR NIGEL. And the answer to your next question is: Because. Thats all. I realise you probably won't have lost any sleep over this but just in case anyone was wondering. cheers

This may or may not be based on a true story, depending on who's asking the questions. It's a tale of what happened (allegedly) on a 'lad's holiday' many years ago. Or maybe not. MAROONED!

A tale of what happens when madness, genius and obsessiveness meets novelty leisurewear. Based on a true story... This is: The Anthropomorhiary Incident.

Scrub my last post - it's working now.

If this thing is working now here's a little piece for you. Any comments welcome I've got an Axe!

When I try to add a post with the URL I get an error message - 'You need to post more than 15 times to include a URL' -or words to that effect. Do I have to go away and do some more posts or is there a workround for this?

Didn't there used to be a Bradleys next door?

It's about time it was put out of its misery. I'm sure people only watch it for the scenery.

Wasn't there a crocodile on Sooty?

At least the little sprog will have the greatest father in the world (according to Saeed)

Remove your duffel coat and mittens.

Well, my brain has definately shrunk since I.... I've forgot what I was going to say now. Where am I?

Shoeshine, Could you include me as one of your writing members Thanks Wheezy

So how does this work then? Do we just start a new thread with each piece? Will there be a categories for different genres? Do people want constructive feedback? Can we post stuff now?

It's a bit far fetched to lay this situation at the feet of the monarchy. The idea of the King issuing some sort of directive to 'Shoot the Cowards!' is ridiculous. The army's response to desertion would have been the same whether the country’s constitution had a king, a president or an anarcho-syndicalist collective. From the army's perspective their only response to desertion in such horrific conditions could have been the death penalty – otherwise most soldiers would have been tempted to opt for a cushy number in jail. Harsh but understandable - they had a war to fight whatever the rights and wrongs of it. Of course many of those convicted were sick and should have been offered medical or psychiatric help (if they’d known of such things as Post Traumatic Stress) but we only know that with the luxury of hindsight. Rather than a blanket decision each of these cases should be reviewed on an individual basis (if the evidence still exists) and individuals offered pardons if psychiatric issues were the cause. But it’s unlikely we will ever know the facts in all these cases. We can’t change the past and there is little point in trying to judge the harsh laws by our standards. Should we campaign for every poor wretch ever hanged for stealing a sheep or a handkerchief to be pardoned?

But aside from retreiving fallen biddies and telling off cheeky bike parkers, what the have the British Leyland Ambassadors ever done for us?