owlshihgreen

A large Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foreman's door. The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door. "I cut the tree down," said the Irishman. "Holy smokes!" Said the Foreman. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman. Confused, the Forman asked, "… don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" "Oh.. Is that what they call it now?"

Anybody in?

We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark... I'll get me coat! ---------- Post added 05-08-2016 at 21:14 ---------- ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. • I had no control over the drooling. • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday. ‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. `I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’ The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Only a farm kid would see it this way! When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard." ---------- Post added 23-02-2016 at 19:47 ---------- Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He recently would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .. "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Please God save Kevin Bacon.......???

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender: MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Two Irish men looking through a catalogue. Paddy say's "look at those gorgeous women! The price's are reasonable too," Mick agrees! "I am ordering one of them right now."3 week's later, Paddy say's "Has your woman turned up yet?""No" said Mick. But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday"

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “.

couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place....

A truck driver transporting an order of eggs from a farm in Liverpool to Manchester spots two motorcyclists and their bike at the side of the road. He decides to pull over and asks where they are going. "Where only going as far as Manchester lah!" says one of the riders. "Well, I shouldn't coz its illegal" says the driver "but I'm going that way and seeing as you're both scousers like me you can put your bike in the back and i'll drop you off there". "Nice one!" says the riders. "Just one thing though" says the driver "you'll have to stay in the back yourselves and support the bike because I got 10,000 Scouse eggs in there!" "Haha! No worries" say the riders and they hop in the back of the truck with the bike and continue on there way. As they reach Manchester, the truck is stopped by a local police man. "You were going a bit slow there weren't you mate" Says the copper. "Yeah sorry about that officer" says the driver nervously "I've got "10,000 Scouse eggs in the back there." "10,000 'Scouse' eggs?" Says the copper "Open it up." Reluctantly the driver unlatches the back for the copper, who opens the truck to find the eggs, 2 fellas and a bike in the bike. "ALRITE LAH!" Say the bikers, knowing they've been copped. Panicking, the copper runs back to his car and radios dispatch "MAYDAY MAYDAY This is Officer Mark! Send everything we have to my position right now! I just pulled over a truck with 10,000 scouse eggs.... "TWO OF THEM HAVE HATCHED AND THEY'VE ALREADY STOLE A F*#KING BIKE!"

My wife is doing an experiment. She's wearing a Sheffield United shirt for a week to get peoples reactions, she's been kicked, punched, and spat on so far! God knows what's going to happen when she actually leaves the house!

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

literally cryin me eyes out......:hihi:

Fact of The Day.. It's a little known fact that Anne Boleyn actually had a brother called Tenpin..

..Sheffield Police are currently appealing for a woman who left 3 kids at Sheffield Uniteds training ground - apparently they are beating the blades 4 - 0 !!

One for the money Two for the show Three to get ready Four for marketing Five for customer services Six to hear these options again

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart. I'll leave you with this one.

Fine mate you?

"I've just bought my wife an electric guitar with a picture of justin beiber on the side." "A fender?" "Yes, she was bloody furious."

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL IN TWENTY EASY STEPS Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours). Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. cat on top bar

One day, a man rubbed a lamp. A genie popped out of the lamp and said, "You have three wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for, but remember, every politician in the world gets twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what you wish for." The man said, "That's easy! I want a million dollars." A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. "Now, each politician has two million." The man said, "Never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million. Now, I want a Mercedes." A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, "Now, each politician has two of these." The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and said, "You know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Mel Gibson, Cindy Crawford and Quasimodo are sitting in a room bored out of their brains. Mel Gibson says "I must be the best looking bloke in the world", Cindy crawford says "And I must be the best looking woman in the world" and Quassie says "And I muft be the uggriest man in the wurl.... sniff!" All of a sudden,, there's a puff of smoke and a Genie appears. The Genie beckons Mel in to another room, there's a whoop of joy and Gibson comes rushing out shouting and yelling "It's confirmed. I AM the best looking man in the world!" The Genie beckons Cindy in to the room and she comes out whooping and yelling... "It's confirmed, I AM the best looking woman in the world!".... The Genie calls Quassie in and soon he comes out looking like he's been sentenced to death. "What's up" asks Mel... "what's the problem?" Quassie raises his head, tears rolling down his face, and with a trembling voice said "Who the ****'s Nigel Clough?"

TEST the patience of your local Chinese by ordering numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 & 9 then returning them later saying they "taste odd". ---------- Post added 14-09-2014 at 21:38 ---------- "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."