Weazel2006

Spent the afternoon just listening to emotional intelligence on audible. Memory popped up on Facebook of my little girl playing in a police car in town. I burst out crying. I feel like I've had my heart ripped out and everybody I cared for no longer gives a damn about me. Her dad for many years would never have thought about harming himself.. I somehow have to become a real man before this gets the better of me

I am very far from perfect. Did my first day volunteering yesterday, body really wasn't happy near the end. I was sorting and placing prices on items on the sale floor, made the odd mistake but didn't let it get to me. Opened my eyes a little on how anxiety has gripped me for so long. Going down again tommorow as my body needs some rest. One small step for Dan, one giant leap for dankind

Twas in winters icy grasp did I feel warmth Forgone expectations cloud's aloft Hailstones on broken bones o grant me a moment free of pain The blinded beholder sunken in an ocean of tears Cackle ye jesters of scorn , thy snares upon my mind. Forsaken are my once cared memories of the moments in the meadow dancing through the daisies.

Woke up as usual very disorientated and in a panic. Spent the morning studying adhd and a variety of aspects around it. Hoovered my flat. I don't seem able to relax at all, it's like part of my brain is waking up and in doing so is showing me the horror of my life. I cannot help but feel I'm lazy or at the very least been very mentally ill for a long time. I know I spent years thinking I'd missed my chance at everything and nobody would hire me due to heart attack, fibro anxiety to name a few. I suffered with full body psoriasis which in itself was robbing me of self esteem. I'm not at all used to "out there" to the point I think I have deep seated paranoia. I hate the feeling that never leaves me, that my mind and body are not my own. I had a life....it was being with my family, going on trips. Helping out in the house. Playing games and talking with friends.....now I have none of that...i don't know how to love myself I'm a very broken man.

I'm feeling very down today. I try to look at my life with any positive but I can't. I had wanted to go into Hillsborough with my daughter, get her some things from the shop, take her for a meal etc. I know she has seen the whatsapp messages owing to the blue tick but getting nothing. I'm so on edge all the time in case I say the slightest thing wrong. The reality of my life is I'm an entitled self pitying mess with no sense of responsibility or accountability. I'm slowly moving back to the mindset that broke my body last year. Life is brutally hard and I don't know how to hold my own. I recieve benefits and wanted the easy life...how wrong was I. Sorry not in a good way today...I wish at least I could have someone to talk to that is an actual human being but I seemingly don't deserve that either.

Today I took a huge step outside my comfort zone. I've applied to also volunteer at a local library and on the way back I stopped off in the park I didn't even know was there. It's taken me nearly 20 years without a baby in tow etc to merely sit for a while in public. I've lost my family because I was riddled with anxiety and hoping my life would continue, due to my breakdown I lost them and now I'm trying to show my baby bear that you can face your demons. I have a long way to go, but if its OK with admits I'd like to keep the post running...there will be others in this city sufferering like i have and I would like for them to see my story, journey and read some of the lovely comments they so desperately need too. Now I have to deal with what this means for my wider mental state...this requires lasagne lol.

Well got an email earlier for some mandatory nhs training. I'm being sorted with an official nhs email address. My issue here is that I'm really very used to what is a scrounger life, I'm getting so scared of moving forward all I know is how to be a dad. Not sure what these people are seeing in me. Got council worker coming to see me again tommorow. I feel so embarrassed for needing so much support, I'm just not world wise at all.

I just can't win. Chance of being a support worker with dimensions, got a txt saying they wanted to go to the next stage, then email said couldn't get in touch so withdrawing application. I have no log of their call either, chasing it up. Surely something has to go right for me at some point.

I guess I didn't realise how well I'd raised lana. I truly miss my wife and daughter, all of it came about from thinking I'd just taken a mother from her child with her working and me not. I just didn't feel right, I spent close to 4 years literally pacing everyday back and forth apologising for being an anxious person , always telling my daughter how sorry I was l. Well can't get wife back, I spent too long without hugging and kissing them that she fell out of love with me, I was severely depressed but I guess she didn't want that as part of her life.

As an autistic individual I have sunk many hours into autism research, stories and help guides. Anxiety of not having functional skills, knowing in essence my life has been lazy are my two biggest faults. I'm studying, writing a children's book based of bedtime stories I told my daughters, I'm blogging about ocd and mental disorders both experiences and helpful tips. I've got two business ideas stocked and ready to pop , I need to be able to promote them...does SF allow that? It's a harsh reality to face your behaviours are wrong, specially when you don't set out to hurt anyone. My reality thanks to ocd is a very maladaptive way of thinking. I went cold turkey with my rituals 4 years ago and its akin to taking someone's belief system away. I've been accused of being self centered, self righteous when I'm truthfully seeking answers. I believe autism translated to self? I appreciate your comments and I will watch the Ted talks you provided, I just need someone to have faith in me...I am a devoted father who has raised his child with good values and who is succeeding, I just now need the same for myself. As a very reclusive person I lack the skills and resilience of a workplace. I would love it if my business ideas took off. I'm terms of disability I still think I'm suffering imposter syndrome I've questioned the Dr's who diagnoses me. I've yet to find my tribe. Although I'm on limited capability and now pip due to my injuries I feel fraudulent, like I'm not trying hard enough. On top of all that I have a visual impairment that could lead to my being blind in the coming years. Sigh I'm full of joy lol. Thanks again for your replies, I really am trying to get out of my rut.

No matter what I try I'm simply getting nowhere in life. I just wanted to be a good person and it seems without one your trash to be rid of

Been trying that for months, unfortunately it's a fight against the masses.

It comes with nvq in retail , just feels like I'm killing the good person I was for my daughter and calling 20 years of my life a complete waste

I'm due to start volunteering again...its all I've ever really done. It's out of my comfort zone, working the back and sales floor at the British heart foundation in Hillsborough. I get scared and anxious because I'm on pip and limited capability and worry about losing those. I'm a bag of nerves because in the cold light of day I'm someone not experienced at interactions with others, I'm apparently polite, helpful, considerate etc but don't know how to manage my life outside my home. It's like being in no man's land

Thank you for your kind words of support. I currently have a mental health nurse from northlands. The council are also helping me with a person who is with me three hours a week. I recently attended a workshop that HSBC and shelter were running. Out of ten people I was the only one to attend so was in a room with 8 other people all giving me advice. They said not to discount the fact of being a stay at home father as I likely had transferable skills I couldn't see myself. Bassicly told me if it were a real interview I'd pass My biggest problem is I didn't grow up in the system, my work record and educational history don't paint a pretty picture and I like that street wise knowledge others possess. I saw life as something whereby I could devote myself to my daughters upbringing and have been nieve to lifes complexity. I'm hoping to one day be a support worker so I can help others avoid such drastic action as I took. Thanks again for your kindness, if anyone knows of any shops hiring or could offer me a chance to succeed ivwould be most grateful