Wanting a new life on my own.

missymoomoo · 03-06-2011, 00:12

i have been married over 14 years,i am thinking of splitting from my partner.we just dont get along anymore and seem to have nothing in common.i have been looking at alternative accomodation,everytime i bring the subject up on getting divorced my partner becomes very hostile.i want us to part amicably but i dont think that will happen,i dont know what first steps to take.reasons for wanting to split are too many to mention..one being we have no social life and we both want different things,he doesnt get along with any of my kids,which are from a previous relationship.they have all left home now and i feel a big part of my life is just mere existence.my eldest daughter told me she wants the old mum back how i used to be.none of my kids get along with my husband.my husband thinks i cannot function without him on a day to day basis..i think im at the end of my tether really,he keeps asking me whats up with me all the time and when i tell him he gets very upset.i just want us to be honest with each other, and decide we have had enough and go our seperate ways.there are just too many indifferences in our relationship too many to go into.there is no third party involved if anyone is thinking that.i have been very reluctant to post this,but i have no parents to turn to and nobody i can trust really to speak in confidence,i have mentioned to my daughter that im very unhappy with things,but not gone into detail..she has enough of her own things to deal with and i dont want to worry or burden her.thanks for reading this just glad to get things off my chest..

HeadingNorth · 03-06-2011, 00:31

I'm not sure to what extent you want advice rather than just posting this as a cathartic measure, but it does sound to me as though this is a relationship which is no longer working.

I've never subscribed to the belief that all marriages which come to an end are automatically failures; a happy and successful marriage might come to a happy end and a parting as friends, and I've known some which did so. Therefore, my main advice would be to not burden yourself with thoughts of failure. People sometimes move apart over time; it sounds as though the two of you have moved too far apart for comfort and the time has come to move on.

Lady Star · 03-06-2011, 00:59

You need to do whatever suits you, but you may not walk away with your ex husband as a friend, as it seems from your post that he doesn't feel the way you do about your marriage... It sounds as though you didn't expect friendship anyways... Good luck!

ronthenekred · 03-06-2011, 01:03

^^^ditto. HN

All your fears are reasonable. Dependant on the relationship I'd open to your daughter. Don't worry so much about burdening her, she's probably already there. Failing that find someone you trust and open to them. Don't argue or threaten to leave, just do it.

MC Spyda · 03-06-2011, 01:09

The problem with posts like these, is that we only hear one side, which could be completely different if the other half was to tell us what is going on.

Having said that, that doesn't change the fact that you are unhappy. You should have a long hard think about what you really want before making the final decision and also a long chat with him about what is on your mind, make him understand that this may be the beginning of the end, as it may be irreversible once you have made your choice.

0742Sheff · 03-06-2011, 01:20

The choice is often made a long time before it gets to this stage. The time in between is spent coming to terms with the choice. It sounds to me like your choice is made. All you need is that final bit of courage to go ahead and end it all.

This cannot be easy. After all, this is the person you have spent the last 14 years married to. It does sound like your husband is somewhat in denial. Turning hostile when you try and talk about it is just his way of blocking it out. Deep down your husband probably knows the end is coming. He is just terrified of it.

I am no expert and what i say may be totally wrong but i would advise you end it as soon as possible. Your decision seems already made.

Anna B · 03-06-2011, 01:34

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. She began a kind of 'trial separation' while still living at home with her husband. She began planning and preparing for a future alone by building a new life for herself.

She revamped her appearance, found a better job, (this was in the days when there were still some around,) did a simple house maintainance/DIY course in the evening, and through that, made some new friends to go out with. She no longer considered it 'her duty' to fanny around after her husband and left him to his own devices. She refused to argue with him, but was determinedly upbeat, positive and confident (even when she didn't feel it.)

Her husband was so amazed at her transformation he perked up and started to notice her. He also upped his game and made more of an effort.

They are still together and now rather happy...

Could you apply any of this to your own situation, before you decide to part for good?
You never know, and at least you'll know you tried.

Mecky · 03-06-2011, 05:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by missymoomoo

i have been married over 14 years,i am thinking of splitting from my partner.we just dont get along anymore and seem to have nothing in common.i have been looking at alternative accomodation,everytime i bring the subject up on getting divorced my partner becomes very hostile.i want us to part amicably but i dont think that will happen,i dont know what first steps to take.reasons for wanting to split are too many to mention..one being we have no social life and we both want different things,he doesnt get along with any of my kids,which are from a previous relationship.they have all left home now and i feel a big part of my life is just mere existence.my eldest daughter told me she wants the old mum back how i used to be.none of my kids get along with my husband.my husband thinks i cannot function without him on a day to day basis..i think im at the end of my tether really,he keeps asking me whats up with me all the time and when i tell him he gets very upset.i just want us to be honest with each other, and decide we have had enough and go our seperate ways.there are just too many indifferences in our relationship too many to go into.there is no third party involved if anyone is thinking that.i have been very reluctant to post this,but i have no parents to turn to and nobody i can trust really to speak in confidence,i have mentioned to my daughter that im very unhappy with things,but not gone into detail..she has enough of her own things to deal with and i dont want to worry or burden her.thanks for reading this just glad to get things off my chest..

You can't run away from yourself

stimpy · 03-06-2011, 05:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by 0742sheff

The choice is often made a long time before it gets to this stage. The time in between is spent coming to terms with the choice. It sounds to me like your choice is made. All you need is that final bit of courage to go ahead and end it all.

This cannot be easy. After all, this is the person you have spent the last 14 years married to. It does sound like your husband is somewhat in denial. Turning hostile when you try and talk about it is just his way of blocking it out. Deep down your husband probably knows the end is coming. He is just terrified of it.

I am no expert and what i say may be totally wrong but i would advise you end it as soon as possible. Your decision seems already made.

What an excellent post.

you are never alone, no matter how much you think you are. Stand tall and action your decisions!

Tipex · 03-06-2011, 06:09

Id work at it before you leave and regret it. I always wonder why the older generation have made it through life togther and the younger ones cant/wont.

graham101@ta · 03-06-2011, 07:23

.I always wonder why the older generation have made it through life togther and the younger ones cant/wont.
because the older ones made a vow to each other and stuck to it its too easy now adays when things go wrong to say ive had enough and walk away instead of working at it a good marriage needs working at im one of those people that when i make a vow to someone in church i stick to it but my 1st wife didnt and neither did my 2nd wife i was married to my 1st wife for just 2 years when she had an affair my 2nd wife lasted longer before she had 1 it was 7 years and that was with my brother inlaw i forgave her and we stayed together for 13 years after. that till one day she announced she was leaving me and now im in another relationship and been together now for 10 years but i wont get married again

funkymiss · 03-06-2011, 07:29

Have you really made an effort to fix things? Saying that, it takes two people to make a marriage successful. Would you be prepared to actually ask him if he's prepared to confront the problems and work at them or would your first option be to separate? 14 years is a long time. I couldn't let that go.

GrannyGranny · 03-06-2011, 07:41

It sounds like he's in denial and is being a typical bloke.

He must know something is wrong, you've been married 14 years.

My wife always says when a woman confronts her husband and asked for a devorce there's no turning back. She's already prepared and moved on in her mind.

What situation are you in financially re. job, house etc..?

Are you able to live independently?

Rand Hobart · 03-06-2011, 07:49

Go for it.

My experience , when friends split is that while the wife ends up much happier in a flat that is a very nice home and a circle of friends.
The bloke ends up in a flat, miserable with odd bits of furniture, nothing in the fridge but a couple of cans of lager, and a toilet that always stinks of wee.

Take control of your life while you can. :¬)

scottf · 03-06-2011, 07:55

Some great advise on there but i would also add that if you are honestly thinking about leaving him and getting a divorce then i would go and see your solicitor as soon as possible to avoid complications down the line.

Frank Sidney · 03-06-2011, 08:04

Oh well, life's a pain at times but cheer up...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc_RHbXjE2A

Kthebean · 03-06-2011, 08:10

Sometimes I think its very easy to look at the person closest to you and blame them for things that you don't like about yourself or your own life. If you are thinking 'without him I would...go out more/have more friends/look better/feel better' - does he actually stop you from doing these things? or is it yourself stopping you?

HeadingNorth · 03-06-2011, 08:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tipex

I always wonder why the older generation have made it through life togther and the younger ones cant/wont.

Thankfully, the notion that a relationship is supposed to last a lifetime is rather antiquated nowadays, and there's far less social stigma about leaving one. People who find themselves in an unhappy marriage no longer feel obligated to stay in it.

MelAgain · 03-06-2011, 10:44

MissyMooMoo.... I wanted to leave what was a miserable home life for years. Like you I brought the 'seperation' subject up with my then husband several times hoping he'd agree...I suppose the reply 'well **** off then' was sort of an agreement ha. Like you I wanted it all to be straight forward and amicable... all I can say is... It wasn't as bad as I thought but it wasn't a bed of roses either.

Noboby knows what goes on behind closed doors only you knows how bad you life has become and only you can do something about it.

The day I left It was probably the worst day of my life and yet the best thing I've ever done MissyMooMoo.

Firstly don't worry about EVERY little thing that MIGHT happen because it probably won't

Finances? Sort out your own bank account, put a stop on joint ones. Sort out names on bills/direct debits etc....BEFORE leaving.

Where are you going to live? I could barely afford paying rent on my new home and the mortgage of the marital house as well... but figured I was unhappy & poor with my husband anyway.

Sort out somebody who can physically help you move. It's amazing how many people want to help out if there may be a bit of street entertainment..ha ha.

AND when you do move, expect the first few days to be heartbreaking... I just wanted to go home, not back to my ex but just.....home.

It soon passes....honestly.

Push yourself to get in touch with those old friends and have fun and invite the girls round......And smile and say hello to people you don't know when you're walking to work. And when you're alone ... watch that rubbish on TV he used to moan about. Go to bed early because you want to and you can. Eat Dairy milk for tea because you want to and you can..
Sorry I've gone on a bit.

Good luck MissyMooMoo

Lady Star · 03-06-2011, 14:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by graham101@ta

.I always wonder why the older generation have made it through life togther and the younger ones cant/wont.
because the older ones made a vow to each other and stuck to it its too easy now adays when things go wrong to say ive had enough and walk away instead of working at it a good marriage needs working at im one of those people that when i make a vow to someone in church i stick to it but my 1st wife didnt and neither did my 2nd wife i was married to my 1st wife for just 2 years when she had an affair my 2nd wife lasted longer before she had 1 it was 7 years and that was with my brother inlaw i forgave her and we stayed together for 13 years after. that till one day she announced she was leaving me and now im in another relationship and been together now for 10 years but i wont get married again

It's a bit of a myth re these fabulous marriages of old - I know people who are now no longer with us who wasted decades in dead marriages, either living in misery or having separate lives in the same house... there is nothing to be said for living like this, if you are unhappy and it's not working you need to think about your own needs and get out! I have been with my partner for nearly 17 years, and I have never been of the impression that a good relationship needs 'work'... If your long term partnership/marriage feels like work, it's not working! You know when it's right, because being together is easy and feels natural...