Feeling very lonely

I'm not sure how to start this post, so I'm sorry if it's all a bit of a muddle.

I have lived in Sheffield my whole life, apart from when I went off to uni. I loved the experience, and while I was always shy before, I felt going away really helped my confidence and I made a lot of new friends. I loved going socialising and knowing alot of different people.

But once I graduated and moved home I felt my confidence slip. My friends from uni all live down in London, apart from a couple who live up north. I miss them, and although I do visit obviously London isn't cheap and I can't afford to go there every weekend.

I'm 24 now and feel like my social life has all but stopped. I see some friends from school but only once in awhile. They have all moved on, getting married and having babies. I wish I had some friends in Sheffield who were at the same stage as me in life - although my school friends are lovely people, I just don't have anything in common with them. I don't want to go out once every 2 months for a catch up - I want to be able to go to the cinema, for dinner or even just have a gossip on the phone.

I'm not sure how it's got to this, but suddenly I'm aware that I'm very very lonely. I've been concentrating on work and I've been in a relationship for over 2 years (but I'm not the type to drop my friends when I'm in a relationship). He doesn't live in Sheffield so I see him at the weekend, but I don't feel it's enough. The people at work are nice, but no one's my age apart from one girl(30), and again she's married and although we get on very well, we don't socialise outside of work.

I feel like a massive dork even posting this message - but I honestly don't know what to do.

Me and my boyfriend are going away for a few months to travel, which although is exciting, it brought up questions of what are we're going to do when we return. It hit me that I didn't have any real friends in Sheffield any more, and apart from the fact I have a job to return to - what else do I have?

It's easy for people to say 'go out, speak to people', but I'm shy and can be a bit awkward. I wish I had the confidence I did at uni, but I don't.

I guess I'm not asking for a solution and I know I just need to get out there, but has anyone ever felt like this? I don't want to waste my life away not being happy!

Thanks for reading

Alice xx

ah bless ..cheer up sweetheart xxx

You need to get another job where there are more people your own age for you to socialise with.

Might sound drastic but it's better than being miserable.

Why dont you join the sheffield social group for people in there 20's and 30's. I just joined and they have some cool things going on.

facebook 'sheffield social'

Hopefully see you there. T

Yep, I'd agree with the post above. There's quite a bit of discussion about the group in the thread called 'ideas for meeting new people my age (20s) for socialising' and I've been putting the events in this thread for those who don't have facebook (also has a link to the group)

Fi

I dont know if your still feeling that way, message me if yes

Look in the groups section and see if you can find common interests with people.

Post a lot more on the forum and reply to likeminded people, you'll find you will make online friends that may well then become real life ones.

Take the plunge and so to an SF social or pub night. They are very regular and everyone is friendly.

yeah like taxman said pop to a few forum meet ups normally advertised in this very section, ive been on a few, thinking of having a nother when im down sheff for tramlines fest

even the shy uns get talking eventually on meets

cant sit quietly in the corner for long with us lot about

good luck

I think you've taken an important step just by coming on here and talking about it. Well done.

A lot depends really on what store you put in this long term relationship that you have. I've had similar relationships in the past, where I've been away all week, or for longer, and only seen my girlfriend at weekends. I had a few relationships like that which went on for years.

If this guy is the right one for you and you are going to build a future with him then he needs to be with you more often, or you with him. I wouldn't have any hesitation in encouraging anyone to move away from Sheffield. It is a great place to live and I've lived here most of my life, but don't let it become the epicentre of your life. There are great places elsewhere too and it really does change your outlook on life to move around and experience different places.

If you are not seeing someone regularly and then you go on holiday with them for a few months you should find out more about how you feel about each other. If at the end of the holiday it has been a wonderful experience for both of you why would you not want to do something about being together more often?

I wonder whether you are not throwing yourself into the social scene because you are really wanting a different life with this person and are putting everything on hold? If so, my advice would be, don't.

You've only got one life. Get out there and live it. And don't do what I did, which is cling on to relationships in the hope that something might improve.

It rarely does.

Just because you are only 24 dont think your friends have to be 24. You need to think broader and have a wide selection of friend of varing ages. There are a lot of clubs and societies out there. Try going with something that is of interest to you and building on it. Soon you will make a whole new load of friends. Enjoy and be happy.

Know what you mean about a bit awkward, it makes it easier to just quietly fade into the background. And its not entirely fun meeting people you've grown away from and have little in common with, even if its welcome company.

You can enjoy company in lots of different ways you know, classes, volunteering, events, societies, watering holes, whatever. The main thing is the more people you meet the more likely you are to find some good long term friends among them. You have to make the effort at first to socialise with people you may not initially feel very connected to though, and follow all the leads that come up as a result.

My mum is 84 and grumbling because she doesn't know enough people aged under 50, especially youngsters - as she puts it. She enjoys their company because their lives are so different to hers. I think that's important too, its give and take, you bring something to people's lives in your exchanges with them, and its the mutual value of that exchange that makes more solid relationships.

If I were you , I'd keep casting my net wide, and see what you find. Hopefully something good.

And don't let yourself feel too bad, its a typical wavering point in life, not something specific to you. Personally my favourite recommendation is volunteering, voluntary action sheffield have a website if you fancy a gander. You've inspired me now, I'm off to look at things I can do myself!

Good luck, and have fun.

Ali, my story is slightly different to yours but not disimilar.

I used to have a job which took me away from home and travelling around the country. I loved this job and worked long hours, meeting new people. I had colleagues who did the same who were/are still friends and we'd meet up if we were working in the same town. I also had a fiance who I had my home with and coming home to him, and normality at the weekend was enough for me so the odd night out with my uni mates and my home friends was enough for me.

Then suddenly my life changed. Me and the ex split up, I decided to leave my job and get a different job based in one place (which involved going back to college first) and to top it off, most of my local friends became pregnant!

I had little money and I remember I went out on a rare night out with the local pregnant friends. I sat there whilst they talked about sore nipples, parking spaces, their husbands and felt I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. Infact the one thing I did contribute I felt like an alien!

I came home and sobbed my heart out.

For me then, online friends became very important for about six months and I started a (real life!) relationship with one guy I met through it. It really helped me through a very difficult time.

Another online friend brought me to Sheff forum and this became important to me. I've met some good people through this.

I made the mistake of relying heavily on one friend to go out drinking with, which was fine when she was single but whenever she's got a man she's dropped me like a stone... plus my pregnant friends were just baby mad. This doesn't work so I wouldn't recommend it.

I then realised that it's ok to have friends who you wouldn't lay your life down for and that it's fine to have varying degrees of friendship, so I have friends who i go drinking with, to cinema with, infact most things i like doing now. I also joined a facebook group where a lot of my going out friends I've met through.

My best friend? Well she got pregnant twice, talked nothing but babies for five years and still drives me mental at times but she's been a rock for me in other ways. Our friendship has just adjusted, she doesn't come drinking with me but we go for lunch and stuff instead.

However, I'm struggling with loneliness at the moment. Other things are bad in my life so I really need people to talk to but realise it's quite boring to moan all the time and when you don't see people very often they don't want to hear you moaning. Also lots of my newer friends have now paired off and I find I'm doing quite a lot on my own and they don't seem to see that once a month which is fine for them but isn't enough for me.Also there have been a couple of things I've felt left out of by some people but hey ho again.

Don't restrict yourself with age. I'm 40 but I've got friends who are 21 to in their mid sixties. Interests and shared sense of humour are more important.And don't forget, friends come in for a reason, season or a lifetime. Enjoy all three.