Having the next child...how do you feel?

Zebra · 12-03-2008, 20:00

Oh and I have begun to discuss the vague and indistinct possibility that one day we might have another baby (or in our case possibly babies).
I read that some people worry about if they can stretch their love to encompass another child, the response is normally that there's not just another person to share it to but another bucket full to share (IYKWIM).
The issue I have is time, how much time do you have to share with your previous kids once another comes along? Do your kids notice?
Is it easier once your child goes to school or nursery or does the sleep deprivation make it harder and does the child feel pushed out?
Our girls, in theory, will begin nursery in January next year, so to conceive anytime from now really would mean that a baby would only affect things once they start nursery.
I'm in no rush and I hate the thought of not having enough time for them or them feeling pushed out or unhappy in anyway.
I'd be interested to hear others opinions on this.

monstermummy · 12-03-2008, 20:24

Hiya,

we are in a similar boat, meaning we are thinking about another one.

Monsterbaby is in nursery already, so that would not be a problem. I would try and make sure that your twins are well established in nursery before number 3 (and 4

) come/s along otherwise they might feel pushed out and might get the feeling that they are given away because mummy has a "new toy" (hope you know what I mean with that).

Not sure what the right thing to do is really. I think a lot depends on personal preference.

I have friends who left 4 years between number 1 and 2 and I think they expect far too much from their 4 year olds in understanding the new situation, expecting them to be far too independent and even to look after their little brother/ sister. I think that is a pitfall easily fallen into.

I believe that you know instinctively when you are ready and as soon as you think that you would like the next one than the time is there to start. I know that in the beginning just after monsterbaby was born and for over a year after that, I knew that I want another child but I also knew that the time was not right yet. Since he is more independent and walks and can play on his own I felt more and more that now it would be okay for number two to "happen".

I hope that was not too much rambling now

Zebra · 12-03-2008, 20:41

New toy LOL, I get you

Gosh, if only they were so easy!
I worry about struggling to cope with demanding twins and a baby with a lack of sleep, my OH works a heavy duty shift pattern so I couldn't expect too much from him. Scarey stuff!

monstermummy · 12-03-2008, 20:45

I know what you mean (although I only have the one but he still does not sleep through

).

I suppose with the next one you will prob do certain things differently, e.g. the sleep thing, running to them at every peep. Apparently you are far more relaxed (in general) the second time round than the first time. At least that's what people are saying.

Do you have any family nearby that can help?

Zebra · 12-03-2008, 20:53

My family are local but only parents able to help and both still work full time.
Pretty much going it alone if we decide to have more

savbaby · 12-03-2008, 21:03

I am on the way to my 2nd, when baby comes mini will almost be 4, I am worried about how she will feel and not wanting to push her away. my other worry is that she does not see her dad but this baby will be growing up with its dad around ( if all stays well

)

I plan on having a a day set aside a week where i can have a couple of hours with just me and mini

I think kids adjust very quickly and as long as you involve them they should be ok.

Titian · 12-03-2008, 21:18

Mine were born within 2 years of each other so I didn't really have the same issues as you will have.

I did feel, when the second was born, initially "oh my god, what have I done to my first born?" but it didn't last as the older one(s) tend to fuss over their sibling anyway. In the end it's just the first born child's "lot" it's something that shapes them into who they will be. You may feel troubled about the decision when another comes along but it won't last. My first born doesn't remember a time without a sibling.

A good book to read about this is Brothers and sisters, the order of birth in the family, by karl konig. It really is a good book

S6potatohead · 12-03-2008, 21:58

We had number 3 when our twins were just over two (nine years ago). Very hard work to start with, as we didn't have any handy family to lean on. Trying to combine potty training two with breast feeding one was particularly messy!! On the up side, they have been able to play together, and there have been many times when two were absorbed in something together and I've had time with the other. From what I've seen of my friends' kids, there are pros and cons to any gap between them. Anyway, once you've got number three, you'll be far too busy to worry about whether you got the timing right, and before you know it you'll be worrying about secondary schools instead!

Good luck!

doodle · 12-03-2008, 22:02

I would like another, but I'm more worried about the effect on me than my DD. I didn't fare very well in the beginning and I just found the whole first 9 months a nightmare. I'm not sure I'm capable of going through that again. I still have the odd wobble now, where I just think I would just like to have my old life back, so adding another one into the mix just seems wrong. I guess that means the right time isn't for me just yet.

I think the key is to ensure that you still have some time with your first child and not to make them feel brushed aside and try to enrol them into helping you with the second child.

Shiesh · 12-03-2008, 22:07

As a mother of 3 - as each new baby came along I always 'engaged' my other children with the new baby firstly by the baby 'buying' the existing kids a 'really' nice present!! I also let them 'help' me feed the baby (even if it was a bit haphazard at times..I let them try)... it does help them build a bond of their own with their new brother/sister!!

charlie9865 · 13-03-2008, 11:16

We are at our limit of 3 kids,could not cope with any more. I always thought i would want a bigger family. But i have 3 and i know my limits. So hubby is having snip. x

Jessica23 · 13-03-2008, 11:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by doodle

I think the key is to ensure that you still have some time with your first child and not to make them feel brushed aside and try to enrol them into helping you with the second child.

My brother was born when I was nearly two, and apparently all I wanted was to get rid of him again!

'Mummy, why can't we take him back to the nurses? He makes too much noise so he can't be happy here with us.'

My poor, poor mother.

cuteykat · 13-03-2008, 13:25

im pregnant with my third child 1st with my partner i already have 2, at the moment hes been quite abit naughty screaming in shops etc wanting attention all the time sometimes i dont no what to do with him but hes getting a little beta he never use 2 like kisses and hugs and now he never stops wanting them.I think he thinks hes going to get left out but he wont i try get him to do things with me all time and sit and talk to him hes 4. My daughter is fine there b seven years between this baby and her she wants to do everythink for it when it comes lol and he'll get use to the baby i hope or ill have 2 take him bk to the nurses lol

SpeedDemon · 13-03-2008, 13:27

I've had varying age gaps in between my kids. My daughter was just turned 3 when number 2 was born. She loved him to bits and was very good with him. Number 3 was born 16 months later. 2 weeks after that, my "wonderful" (???) husband decided he'd had enough and walked out on us. Hence, my then 4 year old daughter took it on herself to do a lot of caring for the youngest baby. She would sit feeding him while i dealt with the toddler. Those 2 are now really close, and the middle one is very close to me. Years later..... I re-married, and had our daughter Kennedy last june, with another girl due this june. My eldest daughter is now 12, and the boys are 9 & 7. All the older 3 (but especially the 9 year old) absolutely adore their little sister. I've always involved them all in the care of each other as they've grown up - don't get me wrong, we've had jealous moments, the 9 year old feels very pushed out by the other 2 (which is why, i think, he's so involved with the baby) but they're just used to doing things with / for each other, and having to share my attention (specially for the 4 years or so that i was a single mum) I certainly don't feel they've suffered in any way from being part of a large family - apart from the fact they have to share bedrooms lol. I do think they learn a lot from each other and have some lovely family experiences to look back on when they get older.

waxonwaxoff · 13-03-2008, 13:37

I think it all depends on how you were brought up. When i had my second child i wanted to have the same age gap between me and my brother. We were really close even though we had loads of fights and I love him to bits. But then there is 8 years between me and my other brother and their was 10 years between me and my sister. Although i loved them as much as my brother I think i felt more maternal towards them, being older and helping my mum with them. With regards to your own children if you have 1 child or 20 you will always have enough love for them. I dont know about when they go to nursery and stuff like that as mine never went but when my son was born they each got a special present from each other. I found they are less jealous and far better at sharing. Probably the hardest thing is that they love there sibling more then their mummy lol but then I want to encourage that. I think really though it all depends on you and your family.

cosywolf · 13-03-2008, 20:14

How do i feel?

Like this:

OH MY GOD!!!!...

...

LMAO.

mbunting · 15-03-2008, 13:53

Not very helpful I know but, the thought of having another child makes me think ........ no not yet, the pain is still too fresh in my mind !!

OH is very keen on having another one close to this one in age because he was an only child and always wanted a brother or sister.

cosywolf · 15-03-2008, 19:29

It was the only-child thing that made us go for a second...my OH is an only child, and my sister is 13 years younger than me, so we've both done the whole only child thing. Because there are no others of our age close to us in his family, and all of my family are overseas, it seemed like a lonely outlook for cosycub.
Of course, I can't guarantee they'll be close and look out for each other in the future, but I will do my best to work towards that.

Oh, and 2 is enough for me.

doodle · 15-03-2008, 21:19

Cosywolf - What will the age difference be between your two? I always thought I would like a small gap, but I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with such a small gap once my DD came. I think if I'm ready, I would like there to be a 3/4 year age gap. I think I could cope with the whole first year thing again by then....... I hope

Zebra · 15-03-2008, 21:22

Hands up in defence of singletons, if you have one please have another if you can, being an only one is pretty pants! In fact have more, why not ?

I was determined I would not have an only child and put them through what I hated.
Well, that wasn't a problem straight away!