Hi Coyleys,
I must admit I’m a bit puzzled why you are disillusioned with this story? – it’s bloomin’ hilarious!
I particularly liked the following two lines:
Her face looked like she had just passed a barbwire stool.
Out came David with a large bandage around his head, looking like someone indigenous to the Darnall area.
Class!
The only thing that needs a bit of work is the text could do with a bit of tidying, have a look at paragraph six (“It was time to take my revenge…”) the right hand side of this paragraph looks like a comb with the teeth missing.
I’d suggest putting in a few links to make this section flow better.
It was now time to take my revenge;
Egged on by Ern, I took careful aim and I spent the next half hour peppering holes in
these those bloomers.
Suddenly Then Mrs Turner came out
of the back door carrying a large wicker basket, to retrieve the now dried washing. The tune she was humming died on her lips as she surveyed the clothes scattered all over the ground
“What the… bloody
hell” HELL!”
she said as she scanned the clothes scattered over the ground.Muttering darkly, she methodically picked up the garments,
placing them chucking them angrily in
the a tatty wicker basket.
thenFinally, she came to the only garment left hanging,
the bloomers, she unpegged unpegging the bloomers and she held them up to the light, little rays of sunlight shone through them
“Just like Ma’s colander” I thought. As she lowered the bloomers she was looking straight at me. Oh bugger.
“Coyley! Come here yer little begger!”
And without my editors pencil:
It was now time to take my revenge; Egged on by Ern, I took careful aim and spent the next half hour peppering holes in those bloomers. Suddenly Mrs Turner came out of the back door carrying a large wicker basket, the tune she was humming died on her lips as she surveyed the clothes scattered all over the ground.
“What the… bloody HELL!”
Muttering darkly, she methodically picked up the garments, chucking them angrily in the wicker basket. Finally, she came to the only garment left hanging, unpegging the bloomers she held them up to the light, little rays of sunlight shone through them.
“Just like Ma’s colander” I thought. As she lowered the bloomers she was looking straight at me. Oh bugger.
“Coyley! Come here yer little begger!”
Just noticed there is a bit of (unintentional) alliteration (“Egged on by Ern” “bugger / begger”) – does this make the story flow? Maybe, possibly…
But this is all minor stuff, the story structure & delivery is spot on, you are showing an improvement with each piece of work you upload and with a bit of polishing could give Fred Pass a run for his money.
My fruitless quest to discover your occupation continues!
