[boyfriday]

My dear friends, it is indeed that time of year again.

Having returned joyous and refreshed from my annual holiday you can imagine the wave of melancholy that overwhelmed me when I opened my front door to discover a group of squatters had taken up residence in my chintzy mansion apartment.

Alas these weren't the desperate and needy from Kazakhstan, or the subjugated and harangued of Mogadishu, no these had made the precarious journey to asylum all the way from my front garden.

The evidence was compelling, a warning on the kitchen floor proclaiming "YOU'RE NOT WELCUM" in a spidery scrawl had indeed been created by....a spider

Yes my friends, those arachnoids are back but this time with a vengeance.. these are the Oxbridge educated, sumo wrestling equivalent of your common-or-garden beastie..they recline on my sofa, sipping mint juleps and listening to Noel Coward, guffawing maniacally at my paralysis of fear..Mad Dogs & Englishmen has taken on new meaning as I seek refuge in the yard, tortured under the midday sun.

Despite the installation of early warning radar, covert tracking systems and deterrent ultra sound devices, their numbers seem to have swelled this year and I can only put it down to them being members of a SWAT team with a difference!

Many of you have helped before, and I will be forever grateful to shinyhappy, norks (rip), Tess, curriechick et al, but their sage words and sympathy can do nothing to rid me of my affliction or more importantly my eight legged invaders.

I'm not alone in being victimised, my beautiful and elegant girlfriend (think The Hulk in a tiara) is only marginally less affected than I am, she will curl into a hysterical ball and throw pieces of large furniture at anything that comes within 2 feet of her without a written invitation..you can imagine it's reigned havoc on my once a season fumble

So if anyone has any original and effective ideas for their eradication I'd be happy to receive them, otherwise I'll be nipping out..and I might be some time

[melthebell]

ive barely seen any spideroids this year, must all be round yours partying

[boyfriday]

Originally Posted by melthebell

ive barely seen any spideroids this year, must all be round yours partying

I've heard they're intimidated by the Goths of Whitby

[medusa]

I've got loads of really lovely spiders in my house and garden at the moment. Would you like me to bring some spider totty round for your spiders to keep them busy for a while?

[mort]

I have a cat that likes to catch them and let them run around inside her mouth. She spits them out again after though but they're soggy and more than a little dizzy which slows them down for a while - I can lend you the cat if that helps.

[Agent Orange]

I blame the blacks and jews

[NorthernStar]

I allow the use of my bathroom for arachnoid habitation and we get along just fine, I even rescue them from the bath and only hoover disused webs off the wall.

Fascinating little beasties.

[boyfriday]

Originally Posted by medusa

I've got loads of really lovely spiders in my house and garden at the moment. Would you like me to bring some spider totty round for your spiders to keep them busy for a while?

Oh meds, that can have only one outcome...whilst such a distraction might provide some short term comfort, what will happen next year when the progeny from this spider orgy have born fruit

[boyfriday]

Originally Posted by mort

I have a cat that likes to catch them and let them run around inside her mouth. She spits them out again after though but they're soggy and more than a little dizzy which slows them down for a while - I can lend you the cat if that helps.

I can't say Im a fan of cats either morty

[boyfriday]

Originally Posted by Agent Orange

I blame the blacks and jews

I did try to dispatch one with a Muslamic ray gun

[boyfriday]

Originally Posted by NorthernStar

I allow the use of my bathroom for arachnoid habitation and we get along just fine, I even rescue them from the bath and only hoover disused webs off the wall.

Fascinating little beasties.

......DIRTY!

[tinfoilhat]

Conkers. They don't like conkers. You'll have to wait a month but get conkers. I think it might work for horse chestnut wood as well ? Are roof joists made of it ? I've found no spiders in my atic recently. Get a powerful Hoover with a long snozzle.

Victory can be yours !

[Harleyman]

Originally Posted by boyfriday

My dear friends, it is indeed that time of year again.

Having returned joyous and refreshed from my annual holiday you can imagine the wave of melancholy that overwhelmed me when I opened my front door to discover a group of squatters had taken up residence in my chintzy mansion apartment.

Alas these weren't the desperate and needy from Kazakhstan, or the subjugated and harangued of Mogadishu, no these had made the precarious journey to asylum all the way from my front garden.

The evidence was compelling, a warning on the kitchen floor proclaiming "YOU'RE NOT WELCUM" in a spidery scrawl had indeed been created by....a spider

Yes my friends, those arachnoids are back but this time with a vengeance.. these are the Oxbridge educated, sumo wrestling equivalent of your common-or-garden beastie..they recline on my sofa, sipping mint juleps and listening to Noel Coward, guffawing maniacally at my paralysis of fear..Mad Dogs & Englishmen has taken on new meaning as I seek refuge in the yard, tortured under the midday sun.

Despite the installation of early warning radar, covert tracking systems and deterrent ultra sound devices, their numbers seem to have swelled this year and I can only put it down to them being members of a SWAT team with a difference!

Many of you have helped before, and I will be forever grateful to shinyhappy, norks (rip), Tess, curriechick et al, but their sage words and sympathy can do nothing to rid me of my affliction or more importantly my eight legged invaders.

I'm not alone in being victimised, my beautiful and elegant girlfriend (think The Hulk in a tiara) is only marginally less affected than I am, she will curl into a hysterical ball and throw pieces of large furniture at anything that comes within 2 feet of her without a written invitation..you can imagine it's reigned havoc on my once a season fumble

So if anyone has any original and effective ideas for their eradication I'd be happy to receive them, otherwise I'll nipping out..and I might be some time

Can I get some of the juice you've been drinking while on holiday b.f.

[boyfriday]

Originally Posted by Harleyman

Can I get some of the juice you've been drinking while on holiday b.f.

I'll tell thee, it weren't spider serum Harley

[melthebell]

Originally Posted by tinfoilhat

Conkers. They don't like conkers. You'll have to wait a month but get conkers. I think it might work for horse chestnut wood as well ? Are roof joists made of it ? I've found no spiders in my atic recently. Get a powerful Hoover with a long snozzle.

Victory can be yours !

ive got some conkers if you wanna buy em

[boyfriday]

Originally Posted by tinfoilhat

Conkers. They don't like conkers. You'll have to wait a month but get conkers. I think it might work for horse chestnut wood as well ? Are roof joists made of it ? I've found no spiders in my atic recently.

I've tried conkers, but discovered my new flatmates had threaded them with twine and had them marinating in vinegar the following morning.

Originally Posted by tinfoilhat

Get a powerful Hoover with a long snozzle.

Victory can be yours !

I can't get that close!

[melthebell]

lol just after saying id not seen any i went to the toilet and just by the side of me quite a large one came gliding down from the cieling, so i grabbed it in my hand and evicted it

[VideoPro]

Originally Posted by tinfoilhat

Conkers. They don't like conkers. You'll have to wait a month but get conkers.

How does that work? What do you do, throw the conkers at them?

[Alcoblog]

Originally Posted by melthebell

lol just after saying id not seen any i went to the toilet and just by the side of me quite a large one came gliding down from the cieling, so i grabbed it in my hand and evicted it

You sure you haven't got one of those old toilets with the overhead cistern?

[boyfriday]

Originally Posted by melthebell

lol just after saying id not seen any i went to the toilet and just by the side of me quite a large one came gliding down from the cieling, so i grabbed it in my hand and evicted it

You see, it's the silent invasion..next time you do a sit down wee, one will bite you on your proboscis