Why are splits involving kids so bitter and nasty?

People in love often swear they'll never...this and that. The ex is the ****, never you! But after a split, you are that ****. How does that work?

Kids are often so little when their parents split that they haven't a clue what's going on? Prime fruit for brainwashing by the resident parent (usually mum)? More lives ruined?

Such bitterness, why do the parents who lose out totally in these battles even carry on...?

why do the parents who lose out totally in these battles even carry on...?

Thankfully i'm not in this situation, though if i was it's a no brainer, i shall always be there for my kids, come hell or high water.

Thankfully i'm not in this situation, though if i was it's a no brainer, i shall always be there for my kids, come hell or high water.

As I will, but like you said, you thankfully aren't in that situation.

Both my parents did the best by us kids when they split, tho it took me til my mid 30s to truly realise that, mainly cos they did their best to keep their personal animosity away from us

Both my parents did the best by us kids when they split, tho it took me til my mid 30s to truly realise that, mainly cos they did their best to keep their personal animosity away from us

Unlike mine. One of my strongest memories are of my parents literally doing a tug-o-war with my baby sister in the middle of a community center. I often wonder if they even remember this and other things these days. I certainly do.

My parents were fantastic when they divorced. They never arranged custody of me or Toby and let us go where we wanted, when we wanted which usually ment half a week here and half a week there. I thank my parents for giving me the option to choose for myself, and for never making me feel like I was ammunition during their divorce. I don't think one parent ever felt favoured over the other at any point.

Even from the few posts here it is obvious that not all splits are nasty. And even if they are, it's the parents' responsibility not to load the children down with all their problems.

Even from the few posts here it is obvious that not all splits are nasty. And even if they are, it's the parents' responsibility not to load the children down with all their problems.

In the latter years my kids to a point suffered because the ex and I were both unhappy...and it must have showed even though there was never any confrontation. I get on better now with my ex than I ever did. Like Tess the kids were and still are a priority, and would never consider them as a tool. I chose a fantastic mother/parent, I just failed at a partner.

 

Kids are often so little when their parents split that they haven't a clue what's going on? Prime fruit for brainwashing by the resident parent (usually mum)? More lives ruined?

 

You make this sound like this is a game for parents involved.

Dealing with the split with my child's father is the hardest and longest-lasting trauma of my life. Both personally, and in terms of how it affects my little one. I can assure you that, on my part at least, I always approach this subject with great sensitivity when talking about it with my son. The last thing I do is brainwash him with my own personal feelings. My heart breaks every time I think about the situation, not least because of events that are unfolding on his father's side of things, and I truly wish it could have all been avoided. I would anything to be able to have made everything okay. However, my son seems to be managing very well (I keep a close eye on him and we talk a lot), in fact, he is the bubbliest and happiest little boy I know.

We work with what we have got.

we have a biased system who's only purpose is to give women the rights and deny them from men. if there was a level playing field there would be less problems as one party would not be holding all the cards while the other is forced to fight for any rights.

we have a biased system who's only purpose is to give women the rights and deny them from men. if there was a level playing field there would be less problems as one party would not be holding all the cards while the other is forced to fight for any rights.

Unfortunately I think Wex may be right. I thankfully haven't had to deal with a situation like this myself but I know a few people who have/are.

From what I hear from them, the father has no say, maybe they do technically but in reality it doesn't seem to play out that way. This can be a good thing or a bad thing as far as I'm concerned - I know a horrible "father" who has no interest in seeing his daughter but makes an effort to see her once in a while because he is pushed by his own mother to do so. In this case I believe the child IS better off with her mum having most of the rights.

I also know other fathers who are good men who love their kid(s) but the mother is making it as dificult as possible for them to get access, using them as a "tool", ie when the mother can't have something their way they block access. I think this is awful behaviour and will affect the poor child as well as the father.

Thankfully there are mothers like Babooshka around.