My favourite clever joke

From a joke mag many many years ago, and still my favourite 'clever' joke.

What did the lady monocle say to the gentleman monocle when he proposed marriage?

'What, and make a spectacle of ourslves!'

What goes up a chimney down, but can't come down a chimney up? an umbrella you fool!!!

Originally posted by halevan

What goes up a chimney down, but can't come down a chimney up?

An umbrella.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man buys drinks for all three. After drinking, the ostrich runs round the block.

The ostrich then buys the next round. The three drink up and again the ostrich leaves for a second run around the block.

It's the cats turn to buy a round, but the cat refuses, so the man buys a round again. After drinking, the ostrich runs round the block for the third time.

The barman says "I couldn't help noticing. What's going on?"

The man says "I rubbed a lamp and the genie inside offered me a wish"

"What did you wish for?" asks the barman

"A fit bird with a tight pussy"

A man says to his Doctor, I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains, the Doctor says: Pull yourself together.

Hear the one about a man who kept knocking his head against a wall?

It felt so nice when he stopped!

I like this one:

There are 10 kinds of people in this world - those who can understand binary and those who cannot.

I like that one two!

What do you call a raver in a filing cabinet?

Sorted

boom boom!

An american high up in government died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

"What are all those clocks?", he asked.

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," he said, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," he said. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands

have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" he asked.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

There is queue of souls at the gates of heaven waiting to get in.

As god appears he ask the first man and wife in the queue to give forth his name.

The first man replies: Robert Smith

God looks down his list, finds the man and says: I know you, all your life you have been obsessed with food and even married a woman named Cherry.... I'm afraid you cannot enter Heaven.

God asks the second couple to give forth their names.

The second man says: Paul Jones

God looks down his list, finds the man and says: I know you, all your life you have been obsessed with money and even married a woman named Penny... I'm afriad you cannot enter Heaven.

A little further down the queue a man turns to his wife and says: Come on lets go... we'll never get in here Fanny.

Boom Boom