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Advice needed- teacher/student affair

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Ok, so I’m very new here, have only just come across the forum and wanted to ask for some good old fashioned (and anonymous) advice, serious answers please as it’s a sensitive subject.

 

So here’s the prob- years ago, whilst at school, I had an affair with a teacher. I was lead to have the impression it was something real and we had a physical relationship for quite some time. I’ll not go into the small details, but at the time believed I was head over heels with this guy as I was showered with the usual affections etc, I may add he was much much older than me, and I had a certain skill at the subject he taught which may have helped in blurring the boundaries a little in my eyes.

 

Now looking back, and after a lot of counselling and psychological problems directly relating to this incident, I am still not entirely shut of the trauma this caused me, I suffered greatly in all relationships succeeding this one well into my adult life and counselling has uncovered this incident has been responsible for many bad decisions made as an adult- In my adult life I can now see that this was entirely unacceptable to do to a minor (at the oldest I was just 16), and very much against the law of the loco-parentis status teachers have in schools. The affair got to the level of my being questioned by the wife and all sorts of horrible things, which I may add I was coerced to believe was just one of those things and I should be 'grown up enough to deal with it'- now I look back and see it as manipulation, grooming, whatever you’d like to call it.

 

The harsh fact is that it's only in retrospect that you realised you're never mentally and emotionally adult in these situations, no matter how much I may have believed it at the time. In the hefty investigations after allegations made (obviously) I was forced to leave school as the teacher remained suspended, but I feel I have never recovered from the ordeal mentally.

 

I had the option to confirm the affair when questioned, but as I was made to feel pressured and guilted to keep schtum I denied everything. It is only now years on that I realised the magnitude of such an offense, and as I never got much support from the school throughout investigations, and am reluctant to bring out old skeletons from the closet. This is more to the damage it will do to myself having buried it under the hachett as some terrible things happened in the course of it all, rather than to protect his reputation, as he made it quite clear a year or two afterwards that he had no regrets and the sick pig asked if I was ‘up for it again’. This teacher is still teaching people of around the same age as I was when it happened and I’m ashamed to say I’ve only begun to face my demons with this and want some kind of resolution.

 

My question is, do I bring it all up, or can a tip off be made anonymously, as the damage it would do to the life I have made for myself now would be immense (sheepish yes, but I know I have a responsibility in part to ensure it never happens but have suffered quite severely in the wake of it all)- I may add my family were aware of the allegations and investigation but as I was too scared to admit it they fully supported my ‘defense’. Are such cases even possible to re-open per se? I believe the school was glad to get shut of me as I was struggling to deal with the intensity of this affair and was suffering from depression as a side effect, making me a difficult pupil, so unsure if they would even honour my honesty years later. Would anybody have any advice as to go about this to get this pervert out of education once and for all?

 

I’m sick of the endless nightmares and the dirty secret of it all, thinking it will happen to another young girl the same as me- as he got off scot free- Sorry for it being long-winded but I have finally realised it has to stop- many thanks for taking the time to read this and any advice/help would be gladly appreciated.

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Its dissapointing to see so little in the way of advice from the forum but I suspect that like me most of those that have read this just don't know what to say, given the number of views compared with the number of responses I suspect that there are few people on here that feel capable of advising on this matter.

 

I suspect that there would be little point in an anonymous tip as without somebody willing to step forward there would be no evidence to prosecute anybody for anything.

 

 

I'm not even sure if there are any organisations out there that may be able to properly advise you, citizens advice? some kind of hotline? the local education authority?-I'm sorry but I simply don't know. - Not much help im afraid but like I said, I think the lack of responses is probably because people are afraid of advising you badly in a very delicate situation.

 

Hope stuff gets better for you,

 

Fogey.

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I'm pretty sure there are teams within the police force who specialise in retrospective crimes of this sort of nature. I'd give their switchboard a ring in the first instance and briefly explain what you'd like to talk to someone about.

 

I hope you get the answer and outcome you are looking for.

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Thanks for your kind words, I haven't decided what to do as of yet- distancing seems to be working for now, though I do need resolution in a way... it helps to know there are lots of other people a similar thing has happened to, which I found out with a lot of internet trawling, so it's a start! Again, thanks for taking the time to reply.

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There are two issues with which to be concerned here.

 

One - first and foremost for you, no doubt - is your own welfare, and the exorcising of your own personal demons. It is not always necessary for a criminal investigation to take place in order for this to happen; of the four people I know personally who were abused as children (and in those cases, as pre-teen children), three recovered and now lead normal, happy lives, without the abuser ever being brought to justice. The fourth, in whose case the police did eventually become involved, was so traumatised by the investigation that it took years before it was possible to return to any sort of psychological equilibrium.

 

It may be necessary for you, personally, to see the teacher dealt with, before you can put the whole issue to bed once and for all. But it may not. It may even make things worse for you. Since I'm neither a counsellor nor a psychiatrist, and don't have (and wouldn't want) the intimate details of your case, I can offer no better advice than to see someone who is a professional - as you have been doing. They may be better placed than we are to decide whether bringing the police into the issue will help you or not.

 

 

 

However, there's a second issue in this case, which is the safety of the children still being taught by this teacher. If they are at risk as you were, then you have a moral duty to try to remove that risk, by bringing the whole affair to the attention of the authorities and trying to get him removed from his position.

 

I say "moral duty;" however, if exercising that moral duty is likely to cause you severe psychological trauma, I wouldn't condemn you for not performing it. It's easy for me, who has never been abused, to say "no matter what the risk to myself I would do the right thing and go to the police," but that's meaningless drivel. I can't even begin to conceive of what the risk to yourself might be. Nor can anyone else on the forum unless they've been through it themselves, and even then every case is different.

 

Only you can weigh the likely damage to yourself, against the possible risk to other children still under his authority. It must be your ultimate decision whether or not to make an official complaint. I would strongly advise that you talk all of this over with a specialised counsellor before making that decision, if you are not already doing so.

 

In the absence of other counselling services I commend to you this website - assuming that you actually are female. They operate in a strict women-only environment, being aware that some victims are so traumatised they live in permanent fear of all men.

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You may not like what I am going to say but I will say it because it is true.

You should tell the police what really happened so that he never gets the chance to do it to another girl and he deserves to go to prison.

And now the bit you will not like, mentally and emotionally you were not an adult however you were old enough to know that what this man did was wrong and against the law so you should have said no and told somebody what he had tried to do.What you have to remember is he did what he did to you because you allowed him to do it.

 

So now you have to be adult about this and put your own feelings to one side and report this to save any other child that he may be abusing and any future child in his care that he may abuse

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You may not like what I am going to say but I will say it because it is true. [...] What you have to remember is he did what he did to you because you allowed him to do it.
I think that sort of comment is so incredibly unhelpful in these sorts of circumstances. Why do you think most victims of physical and emotional abuse are so conflicted as adults? It's rarely because they're physically compromised, imo. It's precisely because they feel in their hearts that often they could have stopped the abuse and didn't. The reasons why they didn't are many and confused, but making that sort of judgment is out of order. Have some compassion and don't be so judgmental, please.

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You should tell the police what really happened so that he never gets the chance to do it to another girl and he deserves to go to prison.

 

I totally agree - what is to say he won't, or hasn't already done this to another young girl.

 

If he has done it once he will do it again.

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I think that sort of comment is so incredibly unhelpful in these sorts of circumstances. Why do you think most victims of physical and emotional abuse are so conflicted as adults? It's rarely because they're physically compromised, imo. It's precisely because they feel in their hearts that often they could have stopped the abuse and didn't. The reasons why they didn't are many and confused, but making that sort of judgment is out of order. Have some compassion and don't be so judgmental, please.

 

Use your head,I do feel sorry for her but how do you think she will feel if she finds out that this man has started doing this to another child and she did nothing to stop it. It is in her power to help any other possible victim of this pervert so she should do all she can to stop it happening if not for the child's sake then for her own sake.

And I am not being judgmental I am just telling it as it is. This man needs to be kept away from children and she has the power to do that.

 

At the end of the day it is the children that need protecting the most.

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Use your head,I do feel sorry for her but how do you think she will feel if she finds out that this man has started doing this to another child and she did nothing to stop it. It is in her power to help any other possible victim of this pervert so she should do all she can to stop it happening if not for the child's sake then for her own sake.

And I am not being judgmental I am just telling it as it is. This man needs to be kept away from children and she has the power to do that. At the end of the day it is the children that need protecting the most.

I do understand your point, obviously. But I think the way you put it over was unnecessarily harsh. She was a child herself then and that part of her is still the hurt child. Telling her it was her own fault it happened just isn't helpful. You are actually being judgmental and unfair, imo. You obviously don't think so, we shall have to agree to differ. :)

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Where did I say it was her fault, It was his fault but I may have said what I mean wrong but I was not blaming her I am only saying that she could have said no because she was old enough to know it was wrong and he should never have put her in that position to start with.

I do not mean to be harsh however when it comes to the safety of children we have to tell it as it is.

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Please don't bicker. :)

 

I think the advice about contacting the police for more advice is the best. The police have specialist counsellors who will be able to discuss this very gently with you and work out what course of action is best.

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