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I've just had a quick read of the opening few pages and here are a some observations:
Your opening couple of pages include a lot of background information about your main character, which you have crammed in as asides in various sentences. You should consider whether all that stuff is necessary early on. What has actually happened in those first two or three pages? I can understand the desire to set the scene, but you're giving me too much here.
You write in a conversational style, as though the words are spoken rather than written, which comes across as unrefined. You also switch between tenses in a way which is quite distracting. Several of your sentences lack a main verb, which makes them hard to follow. These are technical criticisms, I suppose, which you should be aware of when writing.
For example: "Guarding the armoury was on today’s agenda, still squinting at the sight of the morning sun Malon started the short journey to the castle." I might say that but I'm not sure it's the right way to write it.
Your dialogue needs some thought. It isn't necessary to be scrupulously realistic, but try saying some of your lines out loud. I have, and sometimes it's just not how people speak.
I don't know fantasy as a genre, so I can't offer you any thoughts from that angle.
You've obviously got the bones of an idea, and I'd be interested to know how you develop it.
Last edited by De Batz; 21-06-2012 at 21:11.
Reason: Resisting the urge to be antagonistic (not to Pikster)
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