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Jabberwocky last won the day on August 21 2022
Jabberwocky had the most liked content!
Community Reputation
45 NeutralAbout Jabberwocky
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Rank
Grim Creeper
- Birthday 13/12/1960
Personal Information
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Location
An Institute For The Criminally Insane
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Interests
Getting into trouble
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Occupation
Cackling and gibbering mindlessly at whelks
Recent Profile Visitors
2,434 profile views
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I started wearing âGuylinerâ. I like it but it makes me look like a Panda after a week of insomnia
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Just be grateful that I canât post pics on here. Ohhhh, the state of your mind after a few of those.
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Youâll be back ohhhhhhh youâll be back!
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Ok thatâs all for now. I just heard the gentle slap of back fat hitting cankle and that usually means the wife is dragging herself from her dreadful, unholy pit of a bed and will soon be roaring for a cup of tea. Iâll probably post later, if I even remember I posted here in the first place, the Status seizure things from the other week have really messed my memory up , so until later bugger off and read something else on the forum
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Did a âŠDNA thing last year. âMy Heritage â itâs called and it appears Iâm mostly ugh. French. A little Swedish and Austrian and A teeny, tiny bit of British, but mostly ugh. French. Turns out Iâm from Aristocracy and some of the names that have been popping up are all aristocratic and it also appears that my ancestors escaped to England in a little wooden boat to escape an appointment with Madame Guillotine. I wouldnât mind so much but A/ itâs buggered up any opportunities to moan about rubber boat immigrants B / My so called âBest friend â has now taken to comparing me to a certain animal of the amphibious persuasion and keeps asking me to make tadpoles for her kids and worst of all C / Ive been here in the midlands for 20 years now and Iâm a âProfessional Yorkshireman â. Everything these midlanders do, I can do better because âEEEEEEEE! AM A YORKIE AND AM BETTER THAN THEEEEEEEE!â well thatâs wee weed on THAT little bonfire, hasnât it? Add to that the constant âBon Jewer, Mon Sewerâ and âAvec vuuu un cuppa?â Not to mention asking me what Frogs legs taste like and asking if I carry a white flag in my pocket âJust in caseâ , Iâd say that DNA thing was one of the worst things Iâve ever done. on the upside, the wife has a distant Pakistani heritage, so Iâm still working on ways to turn that to my racist advantage.
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Apropos of nothing⊠And now, a Burns night joke An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:- "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o'the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...." The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:- "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." This continues with the next patient:- "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!" "Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last." "No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit." *************** Still bored? Tough! what? even MORE bored??? well, you cheeky little maggot ! Iâll post more later. Suffer, wretch
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Ok Iâm not so bored. Itâs Sunday, the wife is having a âLay inâ, Whatever one of those is , so Iâm going to relay a little something thatâs been ongoing for a few years now. It appears to always be females who pick on me, and mostly blonde ones, by some unknown coincidence⊠so⊠read on, scumbag and see what I have to put up with⊠Always the females. Thereâs a bus driver who has discovered that Iâm supposed to have a bus pass because of my sight problems, such as they are , which I rarely use, and yesterday we got on the bus and she was driving. I didnât have the pass with me and Julie got the fares as she always does, while I went to sit down. âDo we have to go through this all over again?â she sighed âWhereâs his pass?â She nags! NAGS!!! and sheâs been doing it for a few years now. I swear to god and Iâve said this many times before, they take one look at me and think âHe looks a bad âun. Iâll give him a hard timeâ I suspect that I made things worse last year when she said to me âWhy donât you ever use your bus pass??â and I said with a nasty grin âBecause I know it bugs youâ and more⊠it appears sheâs told other drivers, that or myâŠahemâŠpopularity is spreading⊠and just a couple of weeks ago; Remember the blonde bus driver who PICKS ON ME??? Well she got me today. Not on a bus, oh no, thatâd be way too easy,she accosted me in the street!!! I was even yelled at that âIM WATCHING YOU, BOY!â as I was flouncing away! Got on the bus this morning, yet another driver asked for my pass and said I shouldnât pay my fare. Am I that conspicuous, do I stand out so much that even bloody bus drivers recognise me??? They must see thousands of people each day, yet they remember that I have a bus pass that I forget to use!
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Ok. bored now. I have to trawl through⊠âElsewhereâ to find these things to copy and paste here and there are so many to choose from and Ok, I may not be a busy man, but I AM an extremely lazy one, so Iâll post more stuff for you set of filthy baboons later. possiblyâŠ
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Still here? After reading that garbage? Ok, you worthless periwinkle, hereâs something that happened last year. I was going to keep it to myself but I was blackmailed into⊠oh, read it yourself, Iâm too lazy to explain Iâm being blackmailed. Blackmailed by my wife. She is controlling me by threatening to tell Lesley (My best friend, Nemesis and 5 feet 2 of blonde, demonic femininity) about something that happened at the hospital the other day. I can only be controlled for a short time before I eliminate the controller (except that little bugger, Lesley) so now is the time to disarm her. So. I had gone to see the surgeon for a chat to discuss the cancer and ways of kicking itâs arris. Thatâs all I thought it was, but Iâve learned that these RING PIECES have a nasty habit of springing âLittle surprisesâ on me. Todays âLittle surpriseâ was an MRSA test. I was sent into another room with a nurse⊠âOkâ said the nurse, âI have to Swab the inside of your nostrils to see if youâre carrying MRSAâ âFair enoughâ I said âBut I may bite you, I hate having things shoved up my noseâ âItâs just around your nostrilsâ she said, it wonât go all the way upâ So, she gently swabbed my nose. âNow!â She said with a cheery smile âTrousers down, âWhat?â I snarled. âYouâre having a laugh, arenât you?â âNoâ She said, âIâm perfectly serious, itâs my job, NOW DROP THOSE TROUSERS, MISTER!!!â So grumbling, I undid my belt and Dropped âem. âNowâ she said âLetâs have those pants downâ âYou have GOT TO BE BLOODY KIDDING ME!â I bellowed, âWhere are the secret cameras? If this goes on telly on a âHilarious candid camera show, ILL SUE THE BLOODY LOT OF YOU!â âJust drop âem â she said with a sigh, âI havenât got all dayâ So. Down they went. Iâm now standing there in a Def Leopard teeshirt with my jeans and undies around my ankles , looking at the Nurse as if I want to kill her âturn your back to me and bend overâ she said âYou ******* Whatâ I said. I thought she was kidding. She repeated her instruction and added âI have to swab your perineum for the MRSAâ âChrists sake!! I snapped and bent over âAt least buy me dinner first , and whatâs a bloody perineeeeum? âOh, youâll find outâ she grinned. âYouâll find outâ So ⊠chuckling nastily , she used a swab âŠthing to rub that bit between the âŠ.ermâŠbotty hole and the⊠sprouts⊠sorry, thatâs the best description I can give so work it out for yourself. I pulled up my clothes and she sent me back to see the surgeon⊠I walked back into his office with a face like thunder. Iâm not the prettiest of men so when I say âFace like thunderâ I mean the sort of thunderstorm youâd get in a Stephen King novel. âAre you ok ? â said the surgeon as they all looked at me as if I was Hannibal Lecter â You look really angry, are you ok???â âI just found out what a perineum isâ I muttered. So. They all bawled and howled with laughter for about five minutes, tears streaming down their faces as I stood and glared at them, arms folded. Julie has been making me behave by threatening to tell my best friend, Lesley who just LOVES to make my life hell and I just swept the gun out of her hand by telling you lot.
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This, dear reader, is something that happened a couple of weeks ago. I had a load of seizure things, lord knows why and I bit through a paramedicâs pipe thingy as he stuffed it down my throat. ooo errr Matron Anyway, I wrecked my bottom teeth so⊠Now, Iâve gained- unfairly I might add, a level ofâŠshall we say âNotoriety â? In this little town Iâve moved to and Basically I get BULLIED!!!! In this tale of woe is a dentistâs receptionist who claims that I pick on her and tries every method to get revenge that she can think of. She threatened to lock me in a store room a few months ago- For absolutely no reason! hereâs an example⊠swear words removed, obviously Well. That was Horrible We were having a Costa and across the way I could see that bullying receptionist watching through the glass doors. Half an hour later Julie and I walked into the surgery and guess who had changed jobs and became the dentistâs little helper? Yep. The next half hour was a hell of her, Julie (My wife) and the dentist extracting the Michael . He X-rayed my teeth and showed me the pic⊠biting through that tube has really messed my bottom front teeth up. âIt looks like Stonehenge!â Said the wife âSo every solstice, Iâm going to have my head surrounded by hippies â? I replied as the Little helper sniggered behind me. Then the dentist did âImpressionsâ. No, not impressions of Tommy Cooper or Elvis,I mean he stuffed pink wax into a tray then shoved it into my gob. I couldnât speak⊠Julie and the dentists little helper made the most of that , saying âIsnât it lovely now heâs finally quiet for a change â and âDo you want it leaving in to keep him quiet permanently? â and other abuse as I replied with âHmmmmmf hmmmmmf astards!â And showing them my middle finger. âFirst time Iâve heard him quietâ said the little helper and âNever seen someone laugh in a dentists chair beforeâ and âI bet thatâs the last time he bites through a paramedicâs tube HAHAHAHAH!â And âTry not to swallow the juice HAHAHAHAHAH!â Dentist said âDonât make me laugh, it makes my hands shakeâ âOoooh thatâs fluffing dice â I mumbled through a gob full of wax As soon as the impression was removed, the first thing I said clearly was âI WANT A BLOODY DIVORCE!â and little helper said to Julie âTrust me, I know from experience that itâs more expensive than getting married so youâre stuck with him, Iâm so sorryâ That and other unwarranted abuse went on non stop for the half hour I was in there . It was hellish.
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Now. Allow me to introduce myself, Iâm a man of wealth and taste, Iâve been around for- oh, hang on, thatâs a Stones song, isnât it? Ok, I used to be a regular poster on here back in the day when Mammoth walked the steppe and early man only had a PC to type nonsense on fora, but now itâs the future and Iâve landed my flying car, zapped a few aliens with my Muslamic Ray gun (remember those? Yes itâs been that long) and decided to bore you all rigid with a few of myâŠ. UghâŠantics. copied and pasted from âElsewhereâ because Iâm too lazy to type it all out and a LOT of expletives removed, but as youâre here in the âIâm boredâ section, I might as well make your miserable life a little more miserable by relating some of the nonsense I have to go through in daily life .
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I like resurrecting old threads!
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More gardening
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Annoying random people