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Jabberwocky last won the day on August 21 2022
Jabberwocky had the most liked content!
Community Reputation
46 NeutralAbout Jabberwocky
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Rank
Grim Creeper
- Birthday 13/12/1960
Personal Information
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Location
An Institute For The Criminally Insane
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Interests
Getting into trouble
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Occupation
Cackling and gibbering mindlessly at whelks
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I started wearing āGuylinerā. I like it but it makes me look like a Panda after a week of insomnia
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Just be grateful that I canāt post pics on here. Ohhhh, the state of your mind after a few of those.
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Youāll be back ohhhhhhh youāll be back!
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Ok thatās all for now. I just heard the gentle slap of back fat hitting cankle and that usually means the wife is dragging herself from her dreadful, unholy pit of a bed and will soon be roaring for a cup of tea. Iāll probably post later, if I even remember I posted here in the first place, the Status seizure things from the other week have really messed my memory up , so until later bugger off and read something else on the forum
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Did a ā¦DNA thing last year. āMy Heritage ā itās called and it appears Iām mostly ugh. French. A little Swedish and Austrian and A teeny, tiny bit of British, but mostly ugh. French. Turns out Iām from Aristocracy and some of the names that have been popping up are all aristocratic and it also appears that my ancestors escaped to England in a little wooden boat to escape an appointment with Madame Guillotine. I wouldnāt mind so much but A/ itās buggered up any opportunities to moan about rubber boat immigrants B / My so called āBest friend ā has now taken to comparing me to a certain animal of the amphibious persuasion and keeps asking me to make tadpoles for her kids and worst of all C / Ive been here in the midlands for 20 years now and Iām a āProfessional Yorkshireman ā. Everything these midlanders do, I can do better because āEEEEEEEE! AM A YORKIE AND AM BETTER THAN THEEEEEEEE!ā well thatās wee weed on THAT little bonfire, hasnāt it? Add to that the constant āBon Jewer, Mon Sewerā and āAvec vuuu un cuppa?ā Not to mention asking me what Frogs legs taste like and asking if I carry a white flag in my pocket āJust in caseā , Iād say that DNA thing was one of the worst things Iāve ever done. on the upside, the wife has a distant Pakistani heritage, so Iām still working on ways to turn that to my racist advantage.
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Apropos of nothingā¦ And now, a Burns night joke An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:- "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o'the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...." The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:- "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." This continues with the next patient:- "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!" "Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last." "No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit." *************** Still bored? Tough! what? even MORE bored??? well, you cheeky little maggot ! Iāll post more later. Suffer, wretch
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Ok Iām not so bored. Itās Sunday, the wife is having a āLay inā, Whatever one of those is , so Iām going to relay a little something thatās been ongoing for a few years now. It appears to always be females who pick on me, and mostly blonde ones, by some unknown coincidenceā¦ soā¦ read on, scumbag and see what I have to put up withā¦ Always the females. Thereās a bus driver who has discovered that Iām supposed to have a bus pass because of my sight problems, such as they are , which I rarely use, and yesterday we got on the bus and she was driving. I didnāt have the pass with me and Julie got the fares as she always does, while I went to sit down. āDo we have to go through this all over again?ā she sighed āWhereās his pass?ā She nags! NAGS!!! and sheās been doing it for a few years now. I swear to god and Iāve said this many times before, they take one look at me and think āHe looks a bad āun. Iāll give him a hard timeā I suspect that I made things worse last year when she said to me āWhy donāt you ever use your bus pass??ā and I said with a nasty grin āBecause I know it bugs youā and moreā¦ it appears sheās told other drivers, that or myā¦ahemā¦popularity is spreadingā¦ and just a couple of weeks ago; Remember the blonde bus driver who PICKS ON ME??? Well she got me today. Not on a bus, oh no, thatād be way too easy,she accosted me in the street!!! I was even yelled at that āIM WATCHING YOU, BOY!ā as I was flouncing away! Got on the bus this morning, yet another driver asked for my pass and said I shouldnāt pay my fare. Am I that conspicuous, do I stand out so much that even bloody bus drivers recognise me??? They must see thousands of people each day, yet they remember that I have a bus pass that I forget to use!
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Ok. bored now. I have to trawl throughā¦ āElsewhereā to find these things to copy and paste here and there are so many to choose from and Ok, I may not be a busy man, but I AM an extremely lazy one, so Iāll post more stuff for you set of filthy baboons later. possiblyā¦
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Still here? After reading that garbage? Ok, you worthless periwinkle, hereās something that happened last year. I was going to keep it to myself but I was blackmailed intoā¦ oh, read it yourself, Iām too lazy to explain Iām being blackmailed. Blackmailed by my wife. She is controlling me by threatening to tell Lesley (My best friend, Nemesis and 5 feet 2 of blonde, demonic femininity) about something that happened at the hospital the other day. I can only be controlled for a short time before I eliminate the controller (except that little bugger, Lesley) so now is the time to disarm her. So. I had gone to see the surgeon for a chat to discuss the cancer and ways of kicking itās arris. Thatās all I thought it was, but Iāve learned that these RING PIECES have a nasty habit of springing āLittle surprisesā on me. Todays āLittle surpriseā was an MRSA test. I was sent into another room with a nurseā¦ āOkā said the nurse, āI have to Swab the inside of your nostrils to see if youāre carrying MRSAā āFair enoughā I said āBut I may bite you, I hate having things shoved up my noseā āItās just around your nostrilsā she said, it wonāt go all the way upā So, she gently swabbed my nose. āNow!ā She said with a cheery smile āTrousers down, āWhat?ā I snarled. āYouāre having a laugh, arenāt you?ā āNoā She said, āIām perfectly serious, itās my job, NOW DROP THOSE TROUSERS, MISTER!!!ā So grumbling, I undid my belt and Dropped āem. āNowā she said āLetās have those pants downā āYou have GOT TO BE BLOODY KIDDING ME!ā I bellowed, āWhere are the secret cameras? If this goes on telly on a āHilarious candid camera show, ILL SUE THE BLOODY LOT OF YOU!ā āJust drop āem ā she said with a sigh, āI havenāt got all dayā So. Down they went. Iām now standing there in a Def Leopard teeshirt with my jeans and undies around my ankles , looking at the Nurse as if I want to kill her āturn your back to me and bend overā she said āYou ******* Whatā I said. I thought she was kidding. She repeated her instruction and added āI have to swab your perineum for the MRSAā āChrists sake!! I snapped and bent over āAt least buy me dinner first , and whatās a bloody perineeeeum? āOh, youāll find outā she grinned. āYouāll find outā So ā¦ chuckling nastily , she used a swab ā¦thing to rub that bit between the ā¦.ermā¦botty hole and theā¦ sproutsā¦ sorry, thatās the best description I can give so work it out for yourself. I pulled up my clothes and she sent me back to see the surgeonā¦ I walked back into his office with a face like thunder. Iām not the prettiest of men so when I say āFace like thunderā I mean the sort of thunderstorm youād get in a Stephen King novel. āAre you ok ? ā said the surgeon as they all looked at me as if I was Hannibal Lecter ā You look really angry, are you ok???ā āI just found out what a perineum isā I muttered. So. They all bawled and howled with laughter for about five minutes, tears streaming down their faces as I stood and glared at them, arms folded. Julie has been making me behave by threatening to tell my best friend, Lesley who just LOVES to make my life hell and I just swept the gun out of her hand by telling you lot.
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This, dear reader, is something that happened a couple of weeks ago. I had a load of seizure things, lord knows why and I bit through a paramedicās pipe thingy as he stuffed it down my throat. ooo errr Matron Anyway, I wrecked my bottom teeth soā¦ Now, Iāve gained- unfairly I might add, a level ofā¦shall we say āNotoriety ā? In this little town Iāve moved to and Basically I get BULLIED!!!! In this tale of woe is a dentistās receptionist who claims that I pick on her and tries every method to get revenge that she can think of. She threatened to lock me in a store room a few months ago- For absolutely no reason! hereās an exampleā¦ swear words removed, obviously Well. That was Horrible We were having a Costa and across the way I could see that bullying receptionist watching through the glass doors. Half an hour later Julie and I walked into the surgery and guess who had changed jobs and became the dentistās little helper? Yep. The next half hour was a hell of her, Julie (My wife) and the dentist extracting the Michael . He X-rayed my teeth and showed me the picā¦ biting through that tube has really messed my bottom front teeth up. āIt looks like Stonehenge!ā Said the wife āSo every solstice, Iām going to have my head surrounded by hippies ā? I replied as the Little helper sniggered behind me. Then the dentist did āImpressionsā. No, not impressions of Tommy Cooper or Elvis,I mean he stuffed pink wax into a tray then shoved it into my gob. I couldnāt speakā¦ Julie and the dentists little helper made the most of that , saying āIsnāt it lovely now heās finally quiet for a change ā and āDo you want it leaving in to keep him quiet permanently? ā and other abuse as I replied with āHmmmmmf hmmmmmf astards!ā And showing them my middle finger. āFirst time Iāve heard him quietā said the little helper and āNever seen someone laugh in a dentists chair beforeā and āI bet thatās the last time he bites through a paramedicās tube HAHAHAHAH!ā And āTry not to swallow the juice HAHAHAHAHAH!ā Dentist said āDonāt make me laugh, it makes my hands shakeā āOoooh thatās fluffing dice ā I mumbled through a gob full of wax As soon as the impression was removed, the first thing I said clearly was āI WANT A BLOODY DIVORCE!ā and little helper said to Julie āTrust me, I know from experience that itās more expensive than getting married so youāre stuck with him, Iām so sorryā That and other unwarranted abuse went on non stop for the half hour I was in there . It was hellish.
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Now. Allow me to introduce myself, Iām a man of wealth and taste, Iāve been around for- oh, hang on, thatās a Stones song, isnāt it? Ok, I used to be a regular poster on here back in the day when Mammoth walked the steppe and early man only had a PC to type nonsense on fora, but now itās the future and Iāve landed my flying car, zapped a few aliens with my Muslamic Ray gun (remember those? Yes itās been that long) and decided to bore you all rigid with a few of myā¦. Ughā¦antics. copied and pasted from āElsewhereā because Iām too lazy to type it all out and a LOT of expletives removed, but as youāre here in the āIām boredā section, I might as well make your miserable life a little more miserable by relating some of the nonsense I have to go through in daily life .
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Iām about as metrosexual as a house brick
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Iām back! and gone again!
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I like resurrecting old threads!