Jabberwocky

I started wearing “Guyliner”. I like it but it makes me look like a Panda after a week of insomnia

Just be grateful that I can’t post pics on here. Ohhhh, the state of your mind after a few of those.

You’ll be back ohhhhhhh you’ll be back!

Ok that’s all for now. I just heard the gentle slap of back fat hitting cankle and that usually means the wife is dragging herself from her dreadful, unholy pit of a bed and will soon be roaring for a cup of tea. I’ll probably post later, if I even remember I posted here in the first place, the Status seizure things from the other week have really messed my memory up , so until later bugger off and read something else on the forum

Did a …DNA thing last year. “My Heritage “ it’s called and it appears I’m mostly ugh. French. A little Swedish and Austrian and A teeny, tiny bit of British, but mostly ugh. French. Turns out I’m from Aristocracy and some of the names that have been popping up are all aristocratic and it also appears that my ancestors escaped to England in a little wooden boat to escape an appointment with Madame Guillotine. I wouldn’t mind so much but A/ it’s buggered up any opportunities to moan about rubber boat immigrants B / My so called “Best friend “ has now taken to comparing me to a certain animal of the amphibious persuasion and keeps asking me to make tadpoles for her kids and worst of all C / Ive been here in the midlands for 20 years now and I’m a “Professional Yorkshireman “. Everything these midlanders do, I can do better because “EEEEEEEE! AM A YORKIE AND AM BETTER THAN THEEEEEEEE!” well that’s wee weed on THAT little bonfire, hasn’t it? Add to that the constant “Bon Jewer, Mon Sewer” and “Avec vuuu un cuppa?” Not to mention asking me what Frogs legs taste like and asking if I carry a white flag in my pocket “Just in case” , I’d say that DNA thing was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. on the upside, the wife has a distant Pakistani heritage, so I’m still working on ways to turn that to my racist advantage.

Apropos of nothing… And now, a Burns night joke An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:- "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o'the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...." The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:- "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." This continues with the next patient:- "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!" "Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last." "No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit." *************** Still bored? Tough! what? even MORE bored??? well, you cheeky little maggot ! I’ll post more later. Suffer, wretch

Ok I’m not so bored. It’s Sunday, the wife is having a “Lay in”, Whatever one of those is , so I’m going to relay a little something that’s been ongoing for a few years now. It appears to always be females who pick on me, and mostly blonde ones, by some unknown coincidence… so… read on, scumbag and see what I have to put up with… Always the females. There’s a bus driver who has discovered that I’m supposed to have a bus pass because of my sight problems, such as they are , which I rarely use, and yesterday we got on the bus and she was driving. I didn’t have the pass with me and Julie got the fares as she always does, while I went to sit down. “Do we have to go through this all over again?” she sighed “Where’s his pass?” She nags! NAGS!!! and she’s been doing it for a few years now. I swear to god and I’ve said this many times before, they take one look at me and think “He looks a bad ‘un. I’ll give him a hard time” I suspect that I made things worse last year when she said to me “Why don’t you ever use your bus pass??” and I said with a nasty grin “Because I know it bugs you” and more… it appears she’s told other drivers, that or my…ahem…popularity is spreading… and just a couple of weeks ago; Remember the blonde bus driver who PICKS ON ME??? Well she got me today. Not on a bus, oh no, that’d be way too easy,she accosted me in the street!!! I was even yelled at that “IM WATCHING YOU, BOY!” as I was flouncing away! Got on the bus this morning, yet another driver asked for my pass and said I shouldn’t pay my fare. Am I that conspicuous, do I stand out so much that even bloody bus drivers recognise me??? They must see thousands of people each day, yet they remember that I have a bus pass that I forget to use!

Ok. bored now. I have to trawl through… “Elsewhere” to find these things to copy and paste here and there are so many to choose from and Ok, I may not be a busy man, but I AM an extremely lazy one, so I’ll post more stuff for you set of filthy baboons later. possibly…

Still here? After reading that garbage? Ok, you worthless periwinkle, here’s something that happened last year. I was going to keep it to myself but I was blackmailed into… oh, read it yourself, I’m too lazy to explain I’m being blackmailed. Blackmailed by my wife. She is controlling me by threatening to tell Lesley (My best friend, Nemesis and 5 feet 2 of blonde, demonic femininity) about something that happened at the hospital the other day. I can only be controlled for a short time before I eliminate the controller (except that little bugger, Lesley) so now is the time to disarm her. So. I had gone to see the surgeon for a chat to discuss the cancer and ways of kicking it’s arris. That’s all I thought it was, but I’ve learned that these RING PIECES have a nasty habit of springing “Little surprises” on me. Todays “Little surprise” was an MRSA test. I was sent into another room with a nurse… “Ok” said the nurse, “I have to Swab the inside of your nostrils to see if you’re carrying MRSA” “Fair enough” I said “But I may bite you, I hate having things shoved up my nose” “It’s just around your nostrils” she said, it won’t go all the way up” So, she gently swabbed my nose. “Now!” She said with a cheery smile “Trousers down, “What?” I snarled. “You’re having a laugh, aren’t you?” “No” She said, “I’m perfectly serious, it’s my job, NOW DROP THOSE TROUSERS, MISTER!!!” So grumbling, I undid my belt and Dropped ‘em. “Now” she said “Let’s have those pants down” ”You have GOT TO BE BLOODY KIDDING ME!” I bellowed, “Where are the secret cameras? If this goes on telly on a “Hilarious candid camera show, ILL SUE THE BLOODY LOT OF YOU!” ”Just drop ‘em “ she said with a sigh, “I haven’t got all day” So. Down they went. I’m now standing there in a Def Leopard teeshirt with my jeans and undies around my ankles , looking at the Nurse as if I want to kill her “turn your back to me and bend over” she said “You ******* What” I said. I thought she was kidding. She repeated her instruction and added “I have to swab your perineum for the MRSA” “Christs sake!! I snapped and bent over “At least buy me dinner first , and what’s a bloody perineeeeum? ”Oh, you’ll find out” she grinned. “You’ll find out” So … chuckling nastily , she used a swab …thing to rub that bit between the ….erm…botty hole and the… sprouts… sorry, that’s the best description I can give so work it out for yourself. I pulled up my clothes and she sent me back to see the surgeon… I walked back into his office with a face like thunder. I’m not the prettiest of men so when I say “Face like thunder” I mean the sort of thunderstorm you’d get in a Stephen King novel. “Are you ok ? “ said the surgeon as they all looked at me as if I was Hannibal Lecter “ You look really angry, are you ok???” “I just found out what a perineum is” I muttered. So. They all bawled and howled with laughter for about five minutes, tears streaming down their faces as I stood and glared at them, arms folded. Julie has been making me behave by threatening to tell my best friend, Lesley who just LOVES to make my life hell and I just swept the gun out of her hand by telling you lot.

This, dear reader, is something that happened a couple of weeks ago. I had a load of seizure things, lord knows why and I bit through a paramedic’s pipe thingy as he stuffed it down my throat. ooo errr Matron Anyway, I wrecked my bottom teeth so… Now, I’ve gained- unfairly I might add, a level of…shall we say “Notoriety “? In this little town I’ve moved to and Basically I get BULLIED!!!! In this tale of woe is a dentist’s receptionist who claims that I pick on her and tries every method to get revenge that she can think of. She threatened to lock me in a store room a few months ago- For absolutely no reason! here’s an example… swear words removed, obviously Well. That was Horrible We were having a Costa and across the way I could see that bullying receptionist watching through the glass doors. Half an hour later Julie and I walked into the surgery and guess who had changed jobs and became the dentist’s little helper? Yep. The next half hour was a hell of her, Julie (My wife) and the dentist extracting the Michael . He X-rayed my teeth and showed me the pic… biting through that tube has really messed my bottom front teeth up. “It looks like Stonehenge!” Said the wife “So every solstice, I’m going to have my head surrounded by hippies “? I replied as the Little helper sniggered behind me. Then the dentist did “Impressions”. No, not impressions of Tommy Cooper or Elvis,I mean he stuffed pink wax into a tray then shoved it into my gob. I couldn’t speak… Julie and the dentists little helper made the most of that , saying “Isn’t it lovely now he’s finally quiet for a change “ and “Do you want it leaving in to keep him quiet permanently? “ and other abuse as I replied with “Hmmmmmf hmmmmmf astards!” And showing them my middle finger. “First time I’ve heard him quiet” said the little helper and “Never seen someone laugh in a dentists chair before” and “I bet that’s the last time he bites through a paramedic’s tube HAHAHAHAH!” And “Try not to swallow the juice HAHAHAHAHAH!” Dentist said “Don’t make me laugh, it makes my hands shake” “Ooooh that’s fluffing dice “ I mumbled through a gob full of wax As soon as the impression was removed, the first thing I said clearly was “I WANT A BLOODY DIVORCE!” and little helper said to Julie “Trust me, I know from experience that it’s more expensive than getting married so you’re stuck with him, I’m so sorry” That and other unwarranted abuse went on non stop for the half hour I was in there . It was hellish.

Now. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste, I’ve been around for- oh, hang on, that’s a Stones song, isn’t it? Ok, I used to be a regular poster on here back in the day when Mammoth walked the steppe and early man only had a PC to type nonsense on fora, but now it’s the future and I’ve landed my flying car, zapped a few aliens with my Muslamic Ray gun (remember those? Yes it’s been that long) and decided to bore you all rigid with a few of my…. Ugh…antics. copied and pasted from “Elsewhere” because I’m too lazy to type it all out and a LOT of expletives removed, but as you’re here in the “I’m bored” section, I might as well make your miserable life a little more miserable by relating some of the nonsense I have to go through in daily life .

I’m about as metrosexual as a house brick

I’m back! and gone again!

I like resurrecting old threads!