I wonder, could a few of you help me with a film script I am writing.

The film is called "Needles in the Cellar" and is concerned with one man's quest to conquer his self-doubts.

The film is due for general release in November provided I can get anyone interested in the script.

I just need three or four people to have a natural converation about football for the pub scene in which the landlord bars Willy.

I'll help too. Thanks.

'I reckon we'll trounce 'em! No chuffin' worries'.

"Oi you roughian... why is one talking like one of those burberry hooligans??"

I think he is developing his script ... real time like DaBouncer ... maybe we're supposed to play along sam !?

"For sure matey !! ... an they sude deserve a good trouncin' don't ya think !?"

I'll get my thinking cap on.

The problem is I killed off the main character in the first scene. I might have to re-write that so he lives a bit longer.

I'll be back soon.

"Would that be West Bromich Or Brighton/Hove Albion Old Boy"

*keels over and dies from laffing* (sorry ... last reply just killed me)

Er, I haven't really thought about it. I'll get back when I have done some more work on it.

Sorry for the delay.

Be back in a bit.

(Wife needs taking to supermarket).

Bill exits stage left

Action

Jim

'Ah'l bet that Albion get a bagful today!'

'Oh for sure ... you got that right mate ... and av ya heard about that new center foward we have ... tis a scandal i tell ya !!'

Jim

Yeah, but...

( shuffles and picks up his pint wobbedly)

Doug Phraser can like sorta' head a ball but bloomin' ****, Anyway, who's round is it?"

(At this point we see Phil - who has played no part in the scene up to now) - head off towards the toilet.

Jenny (arrives with her mother)

Wot you doin ere, Jim?!

end of scene

Manchester Airport: 3rd of May 2000.

"Ooo," (camera pans round to Doug Elliot).

"It's you 'aint it?"

"Yes. It is me, How did you guess."

Freda (looking frantically for passport) Ooo mi knickers 'ave jus' wriggled up mi crack!

Originally posted by Sam Miguel
Manchester Airport: 3rd of May 2000.

"Ooo," (camera pans round to Doug Elliot).

"It's you 'aint it?"

"Yes. It is me, How did you guess."

Freda (looking frantically for passport) Ooo mi knickers 'ave jus' wriggled up mi crack!

Doug : Do ya want to borrow me nail clippers to retrieve 'em as they 'll confiscate 'em before I go through detectors anyway, so if tha dunt want to gi em back I'll not mind too much!

Freda enthusiasticaly applies Doug's nail clippers to the appointed task after a bit of shuffling and and enormous twang of nicker elastic, she smiles sweetly while being cooled down by the airports air conditioning units .

Freda :Ooh Doug there's more fans in ere than at United's ground in't there!

Originally posted by bulldog D
Doug : Do ya want to borrow me nail clippers to retrieve 'em as they 'll confiscate 'em before I go through detectors anyway, so if tha dunt want to gi em back I'll not mind too much!

Freda enthusiasticaly applies Doug's nail clippers to the appointed task after a bit of shuffling and and enormous twang of nicker elastic, she smiles sweetly while being cooled down by the airports air conditioning units .

Freda :Ooh Doug there's more fans in ere than at United's ground in't there!

Doug :Arr ther is, in fact I counted em all, an thers three!
Nah then as tha eard that his banned willy from pub.

Freda : Arr luv, why does tha think am gooin on this package holiday in first place!

Scene 8

In the dressing Room at half-time

Bill Nipplestone, the Albion Manager, is giving Doug Phraser a half time pep talk for missing three penalties and scoring two own goals.


Bill: It's thar fault we're 2-0 down, thar wassock!

Doug: I feel bladdy awful, boss

Bill: 'Ave a second hayf like that an that on thi bleedin' bike

Camera pans to Roger Nifton the goalkeeper who gramaces

Camerera pans back

Bill: Gerrout thear and winuzz this game or else, Phraser.

The team all get up and make their way back to the pitch to the sounds of a baying crowd.

*Bill turns to the left and goes up his tunnel.*

The two full-backs, Tom and Don exchange winks as they arrive on the pitch and glance round as Bill disappears up his tunnel..

Tom: You know the trouble with our boss, Don.

Don: Yeh, Tom, he's too far up his own a**e for his own good.

Tom: Yeah.

*cut back to the subs bench - the new left winger, Porter, notices the wink exchange*

*Cut to the HI-TEC stand. Phil and Bob are discussing the match so far*

Phil: worra loader crap.

Bob: innit.

Phil: Aarr.

Bob: Ar lass can cook berrer pies that this annall and that's seyin
summat.

*Cut back to the subs bench. Jim Porter nudges Jimmy Windle
the sub full-back. Camera zooms in*

Jim: There's summat guwin on 'tween them two.

Jimmy: 'appen that reyt, Jim.

May the 5th 2000, Corralejo, Fuerteventura.

Doug Elliot and his wife are on holiday. Freda, an avid Albion fan, wants to know how they went on last night so asks a guest in the. Camera zooms in on guest.

Guest: Thi lost four nowt to Wroxhampton Borough.

Freda: Chuff me. Mi 'olidiz bloody ruined nah Doug.

Doug: No need to roor lass.

*Cut to bar where we see the Basque Bar Tender, Sam Miguel, grin and wink at Freda.*

*Cut to Freda - she looks shocked but a little excited*

Sam Miguel leans closer across the bar;

Senorita, you 'ave zee mos' beautiful lips I ever see!

Freda ( blushing);

Gerrof wi thi, that after summat arnt tha.

SM;

I ave zee idea for an experiment

he drools.

*Sam Miguel looks around to make sure that Doug isn't looking, he then unbuttons his shirt to reveal his basque*

Sam Miguel: Ees a pleashuer to meet you, young ladee.

Freda: Oh my giddy aunt, what's that gorron?

Sam Miguel: I am taking you to a Party tonight of fancy dressing.

Freda: Ooh, oreyt, am on fer that, I am.

*Sam Miguel takes Freda's hand and kisses it. Freda is hopelessly in love, but not with Sam Miguel*

Freda: What that doin' thar sloppy dog. Gerroff. Al gutut
party buram not snoggin' thi.

*Cut to Oswestry, Shropshire, May the 9th 2000*

Jim and Mary Trinkles are celebrating their 27th wedding anniversary in the Bear Hotel on Salop Road.

Jim: Wor a good win fer Wroxhampton this week, petal.

Mary: You know I don't give a buggers fer football, Len... I mean
Jim.

*Camera pans towards the bar where a pretty barmaid is cleaning the shelves. Camera pans back to Jim.*

Jim: I wish that blurdy camera would storp panning about.

Mary: Sord the camera, I could do with a noice holiday in The
Canaries. Fuerteventura looks nice.

Jim: Yes, let's go to Correlejo.

*Camera zooms into Mary's eyes and blurs until white fade-out. When the picture returns and comes back and into focus, we see a sun-drenched beach in Corralejo with beautiful girls sunbathing on the sand.*

Mary suntanned in a white bikini lays outstretched in the golden sand, her blonde hair arranged around her head like a radiant halo reflecting the sunlights rays.
Jim stumbles over lilo's and children building sand castles while clutching a freezing cold beer.
And promptly pours some on Mary's tum.
'Arghhhh! yow stupid oaf wot yer do that for'

'The effect' replies a drunken Jim

Mary stands up grabs her beach towel and storms off the beach in the direction of the local bar, run by that legendary lothario Sam Miguel.

Sam see's Mary' predicament and immediately offers a bar towel to mop up her distress.

At that moment Freda arrives ..................

Originally posted by bulldog D
Mary suntanned in a white bikini lays outstretched in the golden sand, her blonde hair arranged around her head like a radiant halo reflecting the sunlights rays.

Ahhh, nothing like a buxom, xanthochroid, young lady in a bikini to sell a film. Hope she was wearing sunblock though!

What ever did happen to this script anyway? :D