Right I don't know quite where to start but here goes, a few years ago my brother asked us to lend him £700 , he was in a good job at the time and said ther had been a cock up with his wages, he said he would pay it back in a few weeks. We gave him the money, he paid around £150 back and thats it. He now has no job and no money. He has now asked me to sell something of his for him on the intenet as he need some cash, he is acting as if we have forgotten about the money he owes us and I don't know what to do. I don't want to cause trouble in the family but we don't have much money ourselves.

By the way the item he is selling is worth a few hundred pounds.

What should I do?

Sit him down and give him a good talking to. If he refuses to acknowledge his debt, forget him. If he does acknowledge his debt, spilt the proceeds 50/50/.

The suggestion that the OP forgets their brother if he fails to acknowledge his debt is a little harsh. I do agree that if you end up selling something for him (incidentally, why can't he do it himself), you should split what ever you get 50:50.

Talk to him about the loan. Tell him you haven't forgotton about it, and that you expect him to pay it back as soon as he can afford to do so. Maybe suggest he pays it back in monthly instalments if that's possible.

Tell him you never want to see him again. It will be £550 well spent.

Hi

Thanks for the replies, he has asked me to sell the item for him as I have an ebay account with nearly 2000 good feedback.

He may not see you as a wanting person.... He may see you as a helping hand.... in which case you are His first point of call when He needs you.... but you are His Brother.... explore this and talk to Him.... He needs help. He needs you. The money isn't an issue.... the friendship and support is and you can't buy that. I would send you the money to end a tragic breakdown of Brotherly love.... my Brothers are good to me and I can't argue.... I am good back also. Blood is thicker than water but if you can't do something then don't do it for anyone unless you can lose it.

sell the item, keep the cash then remind him what his outstanding balance is

I know how you feel, because I have relatives who seem to have a similar attitude.

You need to decide how much your relationship really means, and if this money is worth falling out over.

It may sting a bit, but I'd sit him down and explain that you're struggling yourself, and you really need to ask him for the loaned money back.

I dunno if I'm reading too much into this, but it sounds like your brother may have more than just money problems. Tackling this in a confrontational way may just cause enough of a rift for you not to be able to help on a more practical level, and I'd hate for us forumers to have been instrumental in cutting off your brother's support when he needs you most :(

I'd suggest you try to agree a weekly amount for him to pay back - even if it's a nominal amount, so you can both feel that the intent is there.


PS - are you sure he's not intending the cash to go to you when the item is sold ;)

Remind him about the money owed. It could literally be that he has totally forgot, these things happen. Its always the one that has loaned it out that remembers.

I know how you feel, because I have relatives who seem to have a similar attitude.

You need to decide how much your relationship really means, and if this money is worth falling out over.

It may sting a bit, but I'd sit him down and explain that you're struggling yourself, and you really need to ask him for the loaned money back.

I dunno if I'm reading too much into this, but it sounds like your brother may have more than just money problems. Tackling this in a confrontational way may just cause enough of a rift for you not to be able to help on a more practical level, and I'd hate for us forumers to have been instrumental in cutting off your brother's support when he needs you most :(

I'd suggest you try to agree a weekly amount for him to pay back - even if it's a nominal amount, so you can both feel that the intent is there.


PS - are you sure he's not intending the cash to go to you when the item is sold ;)

Here here! as they say.... one thing you can't afford to lose though is your brother.... no matter what it costs you. My offer still stands to avert a break up.... :thumbsup: Just PM me and keep it private.

I've been in a similar position myself and understand the awkwardness of it. My advice is to remind him of the outstanding debt but take in to consideration any problems that are preying on his mind but you maybe unaware of. Even if he sorts you out 50 quid a week until it's cleared it's better than causing a rift.

Family ties are too important to risk breaking or straining over money, you can always earn more cash but you can't replace that bond.

If he's got nothing £50/week is an awful lot and it may never be paid. Also there is the distinct possiblity he could be in denial and refuse to accept he hasnt repaid the previous loan in full.

In your position, I'd rehearse this discussion really hard to eliminate any angry feelings to prevent it coming over in the voice, body language, tone words AND be prepared to accept you may get nowhere. Also need to deal with the question of why you allowed this other debt to go unpaid for so long?

Dont see how you can deal with any thing else until you establish whether they're in denial about the original debt and then decided how you want to deal with that situation. It may mean writing off the whole outstanding debt and taking it from there.

I used to know 2 blokes in the north of sheffield who were involved in an organisation I used to be involved with. They were in their 40s at the time [ this is around 15 years ago ] and had been good friends since they were children. One of them had lived with his elderly parents and the other was married with a family. The first guy lost his job at a large company which he had worked for since he left school, and his parents had died after ill health. He asked the second guy to lend him a small amount of money 50 quid? a month later he borrowed some more, obviously not able to pay this money back and now long term unemployed the first bloke kept out of the second bloke's way. A couple of years after all this I met the second guy in town and he told me all this tale, and what he was upset about was the loss of his friend, he didn't give a stuff about the money, he would happily let him off the debt, but it had become such an intrenched position that it was impossible to solve.

You are lucky because you have a brother who is still talking to you, he obviously has some kind of debt or money spending problem which you may be able to help him confront.

PS - are you sure he's not intending the cash to go to you when the item is sold ;)
Yes he may need a proportion of this cash for some pressing need or bill, and be intending to give the rest of the sum to you in a kind of surprise payback kind of way. I would ask him about this because it would be better for you both if you can organise these money problems together.

There are many stories about parents supporting their children with gambling habits and eventually losing their own houses, get to the bottom of where his money is going. Don't just help him to get more and more. Are you sure you know the full story, as a sibling and someone who is owed money it's your duty to find out before things get worse.

Thanks so much for all the advice. I know my brother has no intention of giving me anything from the proceeds of the sale as he has already told me what he intends to spend it on. What makes it worse is that we don't have loads of spare cash so the loan was borrowed from our credit card, so we are paying interest as well as having to pay the money back ourselves:(

He hasn't got a job at the moment but manages to go to the pub etc and smoke, surely he could pay us a little each week. We have brought it up on numerous occasions but he just keeps giving us an excuse every time. If I had plenty of money I may well let it go but we have 3 kids and myself and my husband have 3 jobs between us to keep going, we can't afford to keep going to the pub!

I'd suggest that you try and agree a small amount each week, but really regard that as a face saving excercise all round.

If your relationship with your brother is important to you, then the best I can suggest is that if he can't / won't pay the small amount you steel yourself to the fact that you'll never get the moment back, and that you also state clearly and quietly that whilst the old debt is outstanding, you won't be able to lend him any more money because you're still paying interest on the original debt yourselves.

At the risk of sounding hard, I'm not sure that I'd sell anything for him on ebay; do you trust him enough to send the goods? Also, who's going to pay the selling fees?

Joe

Why don't you get a relative to mention it? Otherwise just forget it as your relationship is worth far more.

If you love your brother you will forget about the money.

I dont agree that you should forget about the money. He sounds like he's a bit spoiled and needs a kick up the backside.

I also wouldnt sell the item, it sounds a but suspicious to me, you can sell stuff with no feedback and people will buy it. He might plan on not sending it, and you will end up getting the flak for it.

Remind him about the cash, and keep reminding him. Gently. Eventually he will get so narked he will probably pay you to shut you up. If you cant afford it with it being on a credit card TELL him. People often dont explain circumstances fully and people dont understand, he might be under the impression you can afford it. He's taking the mick in my opinion.

If you love your brother you will forget about the money.
If you love your brother you will help him to sort his problems out, and you don't do this by giving him money. Many friendships and families have been ruined because of money, you must not let it go that far and get to the bottom of the problem as quickly as possible.

A quick update, any minute now I will have sold the item for my brother. Today I brought up the subject of the borrowed money and strongly hinted that he should give us some of the proceeds from the sale. I was met with wait for it........ I need every penny to buy a new pc. I also mentioned to my Mum who quickly changed the subject, I give up.

I have a rule - I never lend money to family or friends. If I do "lend" money out, I view it as a gift and then it's a nice suprise when it gets paid back.

But from working in the bank I can see how easy it is to mess up your finances and I'd hate to ruin a friendship because of that.

Consider this a 700 pound lesson, Squeaky Clean: Money and relatives/friends do not mix.

I lent a substantial amount of money to a boyfriend for a business endeavor. He could never afford to pay me back, but he could always manage to pay back his parents and buy new golf clubs, new clothes, a new car, a new computer and everything else he wanted. Meanwhile, I was forced to scrimp because of my depleted bank account. Whenever I mentioned it, he would get angry at me -- for not having faith in him!

So, suck up the loss and vow to never lend money to anyone again. If your brother asks why, tell him the truth.

A quick update, any minute now I will have sold the item for my brother. Today I brought up the subject of the borrowed money and strongly hinted that he should give us some of the proceeds from the sale. I was met with wait for it........ I need every penny to buy a new pc. I also mentioned to my Mum who quickly changed the subject, I give up.
You sell the item, you keep the money. His debt to you should come before his need to buy a luxery item such as a new PC. He's taking the wee telling you he wants the money to buy a computer when you're trying to speak to him about his debt to you. Try to get back the money if you can, but it sounds like you're going to have to write the rest of it off.

I have a few brothers.

I used to be a lot more financially independant than I am now.

When I was asked on seperate occasions by two different brothers for help I considered that the act of asking demonstrated a sincere need. We are from a family that would normally regard such a request as, somehow, demeaning.

At the times, helping them was easy and I explained to both that I would let them have a loan that would be interest-free for 5 years but then anything outstanding after that I would consider to be attracting the current bank interest rates. I also told them that if they thought that they could avoid repayment altogether, I would cut them off as S**t.

Neither brother chose to repay any money within that period. No problem.

After that time, my situation changed and my (and mine) needs became more important (as far as I am concerned - but I think it is a fair assessment) than theirs.
So I told each of them that I expected repayment to start.
Both of them thanked me for bring up a matter that had been embarrassing them for some time.

It was quite easy to maintain a good relationship from then on. Both are still repaying. One waits until he has a clear sum to transfer every so often, the other has set up a Standing Order.

Failing to talk about it would have been disasterous. This way we maintain respect and those bonds that cannot be defined.

I have lent money to my parents on the understanding it is repaid on completion of a house sale - wasn't a problem at all, and have an outstanding arrangement to the same effect.

My sister is a different kettle of fish. She regards lending money to some of her friends from the pub as far more important than paying money back to family she has borrowed from, because she chooses to decide that her friends are more deserving cases for her ( :suspect: ) spare ( :confused: ) cash. :rant:

I still wouldn't see her really suffer, and when she was at college we invented another way of helping her out. Cash flow (missing grant cheque) prevented her from using college facilities until the problem with the LEA was ironed out, so we allowed her to source us a computer which she could borrow for a school year. That meant she couldn't 'accidentally' spend it on more than her fair share of rounds in the local :suspect:

PS - Tell him you're keeping the proceeds from the ebay sale, and you're taking him to small claims for the rest - just to see what reaction you get :D

I was thinking what a mercenery bunch you all are, until a few posts mention the weighing up of other factors such as 'brotherly love'. Thats what I thought - write the money off and learn from it. It sounds to me like you are a very easy going person - I bet he would never have asked for a loan had he thought for a minute the answer would be 'no'. Have you not heard of saying No? Something has to be done because you've got a fair amount of resentment bubbling under the surface now - Its a large loan by my standards and on a credit card - are you mad? You obviously love him and wanted to help him out - but you must put your own family members first. And make some excuse about not being able to use ebay for a while because he'll ask again.Good Luck whatever you decide - and let us know won't you - its made fascinating reading.

Let it go mate.... otherwise you may lose your Brother.... I would rather lose the money.... just don't borrow again. If It's family in a predicament I tend to give rather than loan if I'm asked and I can't remember the last time as they are all grown up now.... but if any of them asked me I would give it if I could afford the amount.... no strings attached.

I have been overwhelmed by the response on here, so thankyou very much. I have had sleepness nights over this, I guess I am going to have to learn from my mistakes, although at the time I didn't have any reason to doubt his intentions of paying it back. To be honest I did fly off the handle at a bit yesterday but after reading some of your comments again I really calmed down.

One think I know is that there are some very good people out there, one person on here even offered to clear the debt rather than cause a breakdown between me and my brother. Of course I would never take anyones money but the gesture really warmed my heart.

At least now my brother knows that it hadn't escaped my mind and maybe somewhere in his body he may feel a pang of guilt. As to whether I will ever get the money back is another story, I can't get it from the ebay sale as he wants the money before he sends the goods (don't worry I have got other family members to act as a third party ) someone trustworthy has the money until he sends the goods. For some strange reason he won't let me keep hold of it for him:(

Anyway thanks again all

cant he work? if he can he could always get a factory job or something that is easy to get, and work for a month to earn the cash to pay you back.