Ive been with my boyfried for over 5 yrs, we have 2yr old daughter and a house together but lately ive been feeling unhappy more and more - i seem to be up and down like a yoyo. I also have psoriasis which is brought on by stress and thats been getting a lot worse - i look like im covered in chickenpox! I didnt want to tell my boyfriend that i was unhappy with our relationship as it would be like opening a pandoras box that i wouldnt be able to close so have been trying to hide my feelings. He knew something was wrong and last night i told him i was unhappy and that i do love him (he's my babys dad and we've been through a lot together) but i dont know if i am still IN love with him. I feel awful now because ive really hurt him and thats not what i ever wanted to do. we both did a lot of crying last night and now i cant seem to stop. he says he doesnt know what he would do without me and never doubted that he loved me right from the start and that he thought we'd always be together, now im so confused i didnt want to break his heart or split up our family and our daughter loves him so much - more than me even.

Should i stay with him anyway not knowing what i want? I have everything i ever wanted that i never had such as a proper family, a nice home, stability and above all a nice bloke who would never hurt me or mess me about like others in the past - so i dont know why i shouldnt be happy. I seem to have a self-destruct button that whenever i have something good i have to destroy it and be miserable again to feel safe. My parents were both b******s to me and i want better for my daughter, i want her to have a proper mam and dad who are together as a family and love each other. I used to be proud to be independant but now im scared to be on my own. i know he will probably read this (he's not a forumer but he reads stuff i post) and i hope he believes me when i say i never wanted to hurt him like i have. I wish i knew what to do i dont want anything to change but he says he cant be with me if i dont love him which i know is fair but im scared and what if ive made a huge mistake? i dont know what i want but surely if you love someone truely then you would never have doubts? I feel so awful for saying this to him and what if i dont mean it? Feel so miserable now.

hazel :( :cry:
im sorry for the long post

i dont know what i want but surely if you love someone truely then you would never have doubts?

I dont know about giving advice on the whole, but i would certainly say there may be times you have doubts about a relationship even when you do love someone.

My heart goes out to you Hazel.

Maybe you should think about taking some time out, on your own to get your head straight and work out what it is you really want. You can't make any decisions when you are in the middle of this situation.

If your fella really loves you and is committed to making your relationship work then he will be patient and wait for you to come to your own decision.

*Big hugs*

Ha3el, you sound so miserable my heart goes out to you, but absolutely loads of people go through these feelings of doubt and being unsure of their feelings. You are dealing with this on your own and it's probably just too much at the moment. Don't suffer alone there really is no need, even your GP, or a close family member, could be a place to start. The stress thing is a vicious circle and you need to break out of it. Honestly once you confide in someone else it will change how you see things. If he has read this then it will probably be answering some questions for him. Good luck to the three of you.

I dont know about giving advice on the whole, but i would certainly say there may be times you have doubts about a relationship even when you do love someone.


Just he says he's never once doubted and knew he loved me practically from when we met and always thought i was the one, but if i dont feel the same then i cant possibly love him as much as i should. He's not good at showing it sometimes and in past i always thought that i loved him more than he loved me so if now i am having doubts then where does that leave us? He says its not true and he loves me more than anything even if doesnt show it sometimes. I dont want to leave him but if i stay what if i end up hurting him all over again if it doesnt work out, i wouldnt want to do that to him.

Hi Hazel,

I think the best bet for both of you and for yourself on your own too is for some professional counselling.
We can offer advice on Sheffield Forum to an extent and there maybe even one or two councellor types on here but nothing will compare to a proper one to one session with someone who can help you get things off your chest.

Then maybe a marriage councellor of some sort for both of you to attend may be another good idea.
It's difficult for anyone to say what the best thing is until they've walked in your shoes (not literally of course) so I wouldn't rely to heavily on what advice is offered here.

I think a lot of couples go through a stage like yours at some point in their relationship, some plough through and come out the other end, some go their seperate ways and others get some counselling to help them out. There is no hard or fast rule, but just know you're not the only one who feels this way and things can and will move forward in a positive way for your whole family if you can make the right decisions between you (as a family).

I wish you the best of luck.

DB

Hi Ha3el.

It might be a bit old-fashioned, but I've always taken the view that parents shouldn't split up unless there's a really good reason for it. This would include sexual abuse, domestic violence, physical abuse towards the child, alcoholism, drug addiction, or living a life of serious crime. What you have to ask yourself is, do you really have such a good enough reason? If your partner is a good man (or even just an average man), I would suggest that you don't. :(

Couples with kids can't just go their separate ways in the same way that childless couples can, i.e. because they're bored of one another and the "magic" of the relationship has gone. It's natural to have doubts, but your child has to come 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th in any decision that you make. Remember that if you do split up, your child will go from seeing both parents every single day to only seeing one of them much less frequently than that. A decision to split up would have to be based on something serious enough to justify this.

Ha3el, you do sound unhappy, but I am sure this will pass. It is a very rare thing for a couple to stay "in love" throughout their married life, but you form a much deeper lasting love borne of friendship and the love you have for your children. You obviously love your boyfriend, or you would not be worried about hurting him. Talking is the key, if you can talk to each other, or through a councelling session, this hopefully will help you both.

Just he says he's never once doubted and knew he loved me practically from when we met and always thought i was the one, but if i dont feel the same then i cant possibly love him as much as i should. He's not good at showing it sometimes and in past i always thought that i loved him more than he loved me so if now i am having doubts then where does that leave us? He says its not true and he loves me more than anything even if doesnt show it sometimes. I dont want to leave him but if i stay what if i end up hurting him all over again if it doesnt work out, i wouldnt want to do that to him.hello ha3el, i too have psoariasis,its terrible and when it gets bad i get really down,have you explained to your b/f that it stresses you out and makes you say things in the heat of the moment ? im sure things will work out if you talk to him,all he may see is the psoriasis,not whats going on underneath, theres not much he can do about your condition but if he understands how it effects you mentaly then its a good starting point to making up. best of luck.depoix

It could be that you need to rediscover 'love' . In the hustle and bustle of family life, house wife stuff, work etc... it's easy to forgot why you loved them and the lust has gone. Especially after having a kid. Your focus alters such much.

I think you did the right thing in talking about it because now you can both try to resolve it by working together rather than you being unhappy and simmering away sliently.

Can you get a baby sitter and every fortnight just the 2 of you go for a drink even if it is just 1 drink for 30 mins, or for a meal. Keep it as a regular appointment sop you both know it's the two of you time. It's sounds silly but it has been a real help in my relationship. Because it makes me feel wanted as me and not a mummy or for a quick roll about in bed or as the person who pairs up all the socks or the head cook etc....

Try to think of what you want and how you can both try to help you resdiscover love. You may have to take very little steps but I can promise you - it can work.

hello ha3el, i too have psoariasis,its terrible and when it gets bad i get really down,have you explained to your b/f that it stresses you out and makes you say things in the heat of the moment ? im sure things will work out if you talk to him,all he may see is the psoriasis,not whats going on underneath, theres not much he can do about your condition but if he understands how it effects you mentaly then its a good starting point to making up. best of luck.depoix

hi,

he doesnt see the psoriasis, thats one thing he did tell me, that when we first met i felt i had to warn him of it (as with other guys in past) as i was worried about what his reaction would be when he saw it as i have had one or two nasty comments from drunk blokes in bars etc in past which used to get me down. But he says he was never bothered by it and even tho now i am completely covered in it he doesnt even notice it when he looks at me and doesnt care that i have something wrong with me as he loves me for me. I find it comes and goes and for most part i can not have any of it for few years but then it seems to appear over night when i get stressed out. I only really mentioned it as thats how stressed i have been lately that its got really bad but as for the condition itself it doesnt really get me upset anymore - other than when i cant wear skirts etc to go out. I have accepted that i have this and im not bitter or regretful that i have it as my life would be very different and i would never have moved here, met my boyfriend or have my daughter otherwise as i would have been in the army. My application was rejected when i was 17 due to the psoriasis and was gutted at the time as that was all i wanted to do (even tried to appeal), but i think things happen for a reason. I just dunno what should happen next and for what reasons.

hazel x

Have you read this:

BBC News; Sex chemistry 'lasts two years'
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4669104.stm

This is very touching, Hazel. I think the others have given some good advice. I'd agree with DaBouncer that you should go for some counselling together. If your partner could express his feelings more (a common male weakness) then this might, by the sound of things, go a fair way to solving things.

Well, half of me wanted to post, and half of me didn't. Anyway, here goes...

No doubt that I'm not you, I cannot truly relate to your experiences, but, what I can relate to are some of the things you said in your post.

My heart does go out to you cos you're putting yourself under such pressure. On the one hand, you seemed to have suppressed feelings which you want to share with your partner, but on the other hand, what you say will affect him. Yet if you don't speak out, it's pushing you away from being closer to him. What do you do ?

I think it takes guts to bring suppressed feelings to the fore, and risk your relationship. Obviously you must care for him despite you said that you are not 'in love' with him. If you're not 'in love', then do you 'love' him ?

I think you need to be clear of what you want and don't want. If you don't want a break up, then tell him so. (Cos you did say that you don't want things to change.) If you just need time for yourself and assess your life, then say so too. From a bystander's point of view, it's hard on your partner when he doesn't seem to know exactly what is going on either.

You said a lot of things, but... do you suppose that you just miss your independence ? You know, sometimes we are only limited by our own thoughts. If you miss the physical side of your life before (cos you said you were in the army), then maybe try and involve elements of physical sports now ? I know some mothers take their child cycling or swimming. Our lives changes as we go through them, but it doesn't mean that we cannot find the meanings which we hold strongly to. At least you know what you love in the past. i.e. independence, army, ...

To me, loving someone means your heart ache so, and want to be with them. If you said that you cannot be without your bf, then I think there's your answer. Even though you may not get those little 'tingling exciting feelings' as when you first fall for somebody. A relationship have different stages, and if you need to go back to rekindle and remind yourself of the reasons, then why not do that ?

I know it's hard to quantify what you have by not going without. Yet when you don't have something, it's when you truly realises what you had. I hope you will find a solution soon, without putting such stress on yourself.

May I recommend you a book for some answers ?

'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' - It allows me to quantify some things in my mind. My bf takes the **** out of it, but.. to me, it's important for my own piece of mind, and our relationship.

Nobody can answer the question of whether you should stay with someone other then you. Although I have also been with my partner for 5 years and over that time you notice a relationship change and you begin to have a deeper love rather then been madly IN love with each other. Am sure most couples go through fazes where you feel like this. I must admit at time I have considered giving up but when you have children and a joint house it can be tough. If possible have a short seperation to see how you feel, you will either be relieved or miss him like mad. what ever you decide I hope it works out for all three of you good luck.

I'm not going to comment on your personal situation but I would like to give you a cautionary tale.

A friend of mine had "loves young dream" when he and his girlfriend were 16. They had a relatonship for a number of years and had a very nice, well rounded and well brought up child.

She then decided that she wanted something different, a bit more exciting. So she started writing to a political prisoner in Her Majesty's custody. She got involved with said prisoner and met him on his release. Unfortunately it turned out he wasn't imprisoned for his political beliefs but because he was a grade A Bas**rd. And a bank robber.

Did she reject him and go back to her stable (but maybe not exciting) relationship? No she opted for the crim scum option.

It ended up with her visiting him in a bail hostel in Bristol, with the child, she being raped, without a condom, and threatened with being killed. She managed to escape from Bristol and we got a call from her in the middle of the night asking us to mind the child because the nutter had threatened to kill her, the child and childs father. So we take in the the kid for the night, she goes back with kids father and awaits visitation from from Psycho.

now guess what happens, instead of jettisoning the violent rapist and going back with loving father of child she chooses Psycho nutter. Who puts her on the game!!

I mean when it comes to good lifestyle choices she really was the worst.

All I'd like to say to you is for God's sake don't give something good up in the expectation that the grass might be greener on the other side because the grass may turn out to be full of ****.

Bit heavy, sorry but she really did screw up:loopy:

Ive been with my boyfried for over 5 yrs, we have 2yr old daughter and a house together but lately ive been feeling unhappy more and more - i seem to be up and down like a yoyo. I also have psoriasis which is brought on by stress and thats been getting a lot worse - i look like im covered in chickenpox! I didnt want to tell my boyfriend that i was unhappy with our relationship as it would be like opening a pandoras box that i wouldnt be able to close so have been trying to hide my feelings. He knew something was wrong and last night i told him i was unhappy and that i do love him (he's my babys dad and we've been through a lot together) but i dont know if i am still IN love with him. I feel awful now because ive really hurt him and thats not what i ever wanted to do. we both did a lot of crying last night and now i cant seem to stop. he says he doesnt know what he would do without me and never doubted that he loved me right from the start and that he thought we'd always be together, now im so confused i didnt want to break his heart or split up our family and our daughter loves him so much - more than me even.

Should i stay with him anyway not knowing what i want? I have everything i ever wanted that i never had such as a proper family, a nice home, stability and above all a nice bloke who would never hurt me or mess me about like others in the past - so i dont know why i shouldnt be happy. I seem to have a self-destruct button that whenever i have something good i have to destroy it and be miserable again to feel safe. My parents were both b******s to me and i want better for my daughter, i want her to have a proper mam and dad who are together as a family and love each other. I used to be proud to be independant but now im scared to be on my own. i know he will probably read this (he's not a forumer but he reads stuff i post) and i hope he believes me when i say i never wanted to hurt him like i have. I wish i knew what to do i dont want anything to change but he says he cant be with me if i dont love him which i know is fair but im scared and what if ive made a huge mistake? i dont know what i want but surely if you love someone truely then you would never have doubts? I feel so awful for saying this to him and what if i dont mean it? Feel so miserable now.

hazel :( :cry:
im sorry for the long post

Sorry to hear you feel so bad and I hope things get better for you in the future..

However- I dont like the fact that you have it in your head to self destruct which I am sorry to say you have picked up from your mum and dad who you say treated you badly.

Why then, knowing how you felt with your parents- would you want to put the two people who love you for who you are through hell because you feel like ****e?

There is nothing wrong with being on your own- but I think you should be honest with your bloke and to yourself.. hopefully it will all get better for you soon, but ruining your life by splitting up wont do you any favours as well.

All the best

Ang
x

I'm not going to comment on your personal situation but I would like to give you a cautionary tale.

A friend of mine had "loves young dream" when he and his girlfriend were 16. They had a relatonship for a number of years and had a very nice, well rounded and well brought up child.

She then decided that she wanted something different, a bit more exciting. So she started writing to a political prisoner in Her Majesty's custody. She got involved with said prisoner and met him on his release. Unfortunately it turned out he wasn't imprisoned for his political beliefs but because he was a grade A Bas**rd. And a bank robber.

Did she reject him and go back to her stable (but maybe not exciting) relationship? No she opted for the crim scum option.

It ended up with her visiting him in a bail hostel in Bristol, with the child, she being raped, without a condom, and threatened with being killed. She managed to escape from Bristol and we got a call from her in the middle of the night asking us to mind the child because the nutter had threatened to kill her, the child and childs father. So we take in the the kid for the night, she goes back with kids father and awaits visitation from from Psycho.

now guess what happens, instead of jettisoning the violent rapist and going back with loving father of child she chooses Psycho nutter. Who puts her on the game!!

I mean when it comes to good lifestyle choices she really was the worst.

All I'd like to say to you is for God's sake don't give something good up in the expectation that the grass might be greener on the other side because the grass may turn out to be full of ****.

Bit heavy, sorry but she really did screw up:loopy:

I read this with great interest and in all honesty-
I find this woman to be very stupid and immature.

What did she think was going to happen when she met this nutter?

As a lot of women - and Men - seem to think nowadays, that when their lives go a bit stale and they want to inject 'something new' into their boring lives- they have to make stupid decisons like the one the lass found out.

Why dont people work on relationships any more- especially where kids are involved?

Yes, life might be crap and a bit boring in a relationship, but eventually you may want a change and it can go very pearshaped from there on when you make the decision to alter your partner for another.