Sorry for the morbid nature of this thread but i need some advice form the wiser members of the forum!

I just found out last night that my parents are splitting up. I'm at a loss as to what is best to say or do for my mum, (the one who has been ditched so to speak and really didn't see it coming). She is broken hearted and to make matters worse out of a job too as she worked in his business. How do you go about helping a 50 year old woman re-build her life and what the f**K do i say to her. At the moment i seem to be saying "oh my god!" a lot, which is not all that helpful.

By the way i am a grown up so not a dependant child or anything, but i still don't know how to go about lookig after my own mother.

Sorry again for the depressing subject matter!:(

Thats really sad.

I suppose there isn't a huge amount you can do as it is something that your Mum will have to work through on her own in her own time and way. I guess just being there for her, giving her loads of emotional support and try to keep her self esteem up. Perhaps put her in touch with a counsellor or other people that may have been through the same thing.
Try to do stuff with her like going to the cinema or out in the country or whatever, so that she cant get too wrapped up in her head and maintains some perspective on life.

Hope that helps:)

Thanks. Does anyone know of any organisations/support sources available? she lives a fair way away and i think she needs someone more at hand and more impartial than me.

Wow that is a difficult situation.
My parents spilt up when I was very young and as such dont remember the pain they went through. Although really it was my mum that went through it as it was the old man that left. I know from speaking to her that she had a break down when he left. I even went to live with my auntie for a while, which I thankfully dont remember.

She was young at the time (30's) and I guess at that age and only being with my dad for about 9 yrs or so... it would have been easier to have rebuilt her life.

Cosywolf is very good at giving advice in these situations, as is Belle.

The only thing you can really do is be a comfort to your mum. I don't understand why your will dad sack her just because they are splitting up? If that is indeed the case, I think taking him for every penny (tribunal, unfair dismissal) is a good idea.
I understand that taking sides is not the best idea. Do you know what (or should I guess at whom) has caused your mum and dad to split up?

I'm sure there are counselling groups you could find online that will have telephone numbers to help with. There is always the Samaritans (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm) she can speak to as a temporary measure. However long term it may be helpful for her to speak to a counsellor.

This is not what you want to hear but you must be prepared to keep a close eye on her. I have heard, read and even seen people suicidal after losing (splitting with) a partner they have been with for so long. Do you have any family local to her which she can seek support from? This is going to be a trying time, but with love and understanding as well as support she'll soon see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck with everything.

I was about to offer some helpful advice until you mentioned she lived quite a bit away.
Try thinking of it in these terms - what would you do if one of your friends split up with their partner? Go shopping? Get some films in and chocolate?

It is a really difficult thing to think of but parents are people too, try approaching things the way you would if she was yer mate!

Moon

I don't know all the details yet, although i'm sure he has been Shagging around. It seems their relationship had turned abusive. So i know she is well rid of him but i just feel for her. I feel stupid for not knowing about but i've been away from home for 5 years now, and i have to admit i rarely went back. A touch of guilt here maybe. I've already got in touch with a solicitor on her behalf, I want to make sure that she gets her half of everything. Its just weird having to take care of your parent. I'm not sure i am going to be very good at it! She has always depended on him for everything, i'm not sure if she knows how to function on her own. Its taught me a valuable lesson, never get in a situation where your partner is your whole world!

I think the most important thing is to let her know how much you love her. You maybe apart from each other, but a simple phone call, message or card can make her feel less alone. It's often the simplest of things that mean the most. Just knowing that you are there for her and that you love her no matter what will mean so much to her I am sure.

Try not to crowd her too much, but make sure she knows that you are there whenever she needs you. She will need time to herself, to adjust and sort through her feelings in the way that is best for her.

I am sure she knows how much you care about her and is lucky to have you around.

Keep smiling.

Is it possible for her to come and stay with you for a month or so?

Or maybe another relative.

Originally posted by FetishFairy
I think the most important thing is to let her know how much you love her. You maybe apart from each other, but a simple phone call, message or card can make her feel less alone. It's often the simplest of things that mean the most.
Pearls of wisdom there...

Often the sitting quietly and listening, providing hugs (even cyber/phone/etc... ones) is the best move...

.. and don't forget to have a good rant to some of your other friends on your own behalf, this isn't just your mums problem and no matter how old you are (mentally or otherwise ;)) it's never fun for you either.

Best of luck... hopefully an agony uncle is allowed ;)

Just being there for a shoulder a cry on is a good start. It will be tough at first, but always remember there is always light at the end of every tunnel. good luck and all the best.

Thanks everyone. It seems a bit odd confiding in virtual strangers (no offence) but its good to get a fresh perspective, plus its easier to type your problems sometimes than say them. You've all been really helpful and i feel a bit more like i know what to do. It had seemed like an impossible situation!

I think the forum should start its own problem page since your all so good at this advice stuff! We'd sort out the problems for half of Sheffield!

Cheers

Yep just be there, ring her and as i discover u have hols coming up soon (not sure if u have other plans) go over and stay for a few days and do some girlie stuff. Also speak to your Dad, he may seem like the baddie but it will affect your relationship with him too.
I often wander how my marriage split affected my son, but it was now long ago and he has never said owt, maybe he will tell me sometime.

Make sure you tell your mum to contact you if she ever feels down. People in that state sometimes feel that they shouldn't keep burdening other people with their problems, but it's important that you let her know you're there to help her through it.

This might be of use Divorce recovery (http://www.drw.org.uk/)

It's a horrible situation you're in - I've been through it myself. It's very easy to end up burying your own emotions because you're too busy being there for your mum to lean on - So I'd agree with Martin's advice.

The trips to solicitors & wading through all the stuff that goes with it will take its toll on you as well as on your mum - particularly if you go with her. I know everyone's experience will be different but don't be surprised if your mum goes through bouts of guilt - even though she wasn't the one who left.

I won't pretend the whole experience was a walk in the park for my mum ( or for me and my sister) but there was an upside. It took a while (divorce is a form of berveavment after all) but eventually my mum had a whole new lease of life. She built herself a whole new social life (far better than the one she had before) and was happier than she'd been for years.

I know that you've a lot to get through before your mum reaches that stage. There is a lot of pain but things do improve and sometimes they improve far more than you feel is possible initially.

Goodluck with things & btw I'd say you are probably helping far more than you realise already just by being there for your mum.

Originally posted by caz2
Sorry for the morbid nature of this thread but i need some advice form the wiser members of the forum!

I just found out last night that my parents are splitting up. I'm at a loss as to what is best to say or do for my mum, (the one who has been ditched so to speak and really didn't see it coming). She is broken hearted and to make matters worse out of a job too as she worked in his business. How do you go about helping a 50 year old woman re-build her life and what the f**K do i say to her. At the moment i seem to be saying "oh my god!" a lot, which is not all that helpful.

By the way i am a grown up so not a dependant child or anything, but i still don't know how to go about lookig after my own mother.

Sorry again for the depressing subject matter!:(

Your Mum needs to go out and meet other people, it will be hard at first, but who knows she might meet another partner, however, even if she doesn't ,it will help her to come to terms with her sadness.

Sometimes, the smallest things mean more than the whole wide world mate. Just being there, meaning: knowing you think about the one you care about. So advice of the phone call or card is personally a gem advice.

why not try www.agonyonline.co.uk for some advice?

Don't necessarily give up on your dad. He may be "in the wrong" but equally he may have his side of the story to tell. Even if he is in the wrong he may be feeling bad about it and be in need of some emotional support too.
You should at least give him the opportunity - in a non-confrontational way - to tell you what's happened from his perspective. Whatever else, he's still your dad and it would be a mistake to slam the door on him. However don't even think about talking (actually what I mean is in any case listening rather than talking) to him until you're sure you'll not lose control of yourself. If your dad's found someone else it might just be a sign that years of tolerance on his part finally ran out. He will know that there'll be a massive financial penalty to pay for splitting up at his age, he might have taken that decision only because he felt he had no alternative. Maybe there's no reasonable explanation of his side, maybe he is a complete **** but did you think so before now? Nobody ever really understands the dynamics of a relationship the way the two parties to it do. The causes of a breakdown, guilt and blame are rarely entirely one-sided. Shouldn't you at least try to understand?
Align yourself exclusively with your mum and you'll lose your dad, maybe a future grandad for your kids, someone to give you away at your wedding, someone who has cared for you for (I'm guessing 20+ years) and still does and still will in future.