kirky
10-03-2004, 10:16
Stick with it....its brilliant
> PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME
>
> Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes
> and
> lunchtime.
>
> Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a
> bell, and
> although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play
> may
> continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle"
> of the
> participants.
>
>
> There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as
> soon as
> the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on
> until the
> time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G
> & T's
> and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to
> those
> who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve
> them,
> known as "nutters".
>
> It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of
> poofs,
> chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a
> sustained
> period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell
> onslaught of five nutters against one.
>
> The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the
> match is
> in
> the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.
>
> PARAMETERS
> The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles
> of jackets, in lieu of goalposts.
>
> These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on
> the
> number of participants and the prevailing weather.
>
> It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out
> across
> the goal mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over
> the
> post" and is thus disallowed.
>
> In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is
> observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the
> height of
> the keeper.
>
> The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water
> hazards
> etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has
> to go
> before the pursuing defender gives up.
>
> At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of
> players
> eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards",
> which
> the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
>
> TACTICS
>
> Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team
> formation.
> Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance -
> from e.g.
> 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually ore rigid in
> sticking
> to
> the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.
>
> STOPPAGES
>
> Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players
> requiring
> treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more
> freely, with
> play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has
> fallen - or
> more likely been pushed - over.
>
> Other stoppages :
>
> 1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time
> itself is
> negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the
> argument
> to
> decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to
> scale the
> drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play.
> Disputes
> usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any
> others he
> claims it may have struck before is appearing into forbidden
> territory.
>
> >2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually
> steal
> the
> ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
> occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
>
> Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a
> quick
> >restart.
>
> 3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the
> street or
> local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad,
> blue-rinsed,
> ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the
> array of
> failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed
> the
> heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
> Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn
> >how to
> play with it properly".
>
>
> CELEBRATION
>
> Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with
> their hands
> in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop
> to his
> knees and make the sign of the cross.
>
> A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket
> (actually
> eight
> yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a
> full-size
> pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and
> the
> more
> magnanimous of the opponents.
>
>
> However, a tap-in in the midst >of a chaotic scramble will be
> heralded with
> the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing
> goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.
>
> Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling
> into the
> goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.
>
> Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper
> are
> already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
>
> PENALTIES
>
> At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker,
> who will
> defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring
> one
> more for a hat trick.
>
> In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he
> may
> defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is >comfortably in front,
> the
> ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
>
> Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at
> penalties.
>
> CLOSE SEASON
>
> This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble
> briefly
> in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the
> telly;
> pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about
> an hour
> and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is
> to
> watch.
> PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME
>
> Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes
> and
> lunchtime.
>
> Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a
> bell, and
> although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play
> may
> continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle"
> of the
> participants.
>
>
> There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as
> soon as
> the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on
> until the
> time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G
> & T's
> and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to
> those
> who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve
> them,
> known as "nutters".
>
> It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of
> poofs,
> chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a
> sustained
> period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell
> onslaught of five nutters against one.
>
> The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the
> match is
> in
> the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.
>
> PARAMETERS
> The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles
> of jackets, in lieu of goalposts.
>
> These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on
> the
> number of participants and the prevailing weather.
>
> It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out
> across
> the goal mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over
> the
> post" and is thus disallowed.
>
> In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is
> observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the
> height of
> the keeper.
>
> The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water
> hazards
> etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has
> to go
> before the pursuing defender gives up.
>
> At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of
> players
> eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards",
> which
> the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
>
> TACTICS
>
> Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team
> formation.
> Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance -
> from e.g.
> 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually ore rigid in
> sticking
> to
> the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.
>
> STOPPAGES
>
> Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players
> requiring
> treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more
> freely, with
> play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has
> fallen - or
> more likely been pushed - over.
>
> Other stoppages :
>
> 1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time
> itself is
> negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the
> argument
> to
> decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to
> scale the
> drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play.
> Disputes
> usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any
> others he
> claims it may have struck before is appearing into forbidden
> territory.
>
> >2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually
> steal
> the
> ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
> occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
>
> Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a
> quick
> >restart.
>
> 3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the
> street or
> local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad,
> blue-rinsed,
> ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the
> array of
> failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed
> the
> heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
> Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn
> >how to
> play with it properly".
>
>
> CELEBRATION
>
> Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with
> their hands
> in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop
> to his
> knees and make the sign of the cross.
>
> A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket
> (actually
> eight
> yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a
> full-size
> pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and
> the
> more
> magnanimous of the opponents.
>
>
> However, a tap-in in the midst >of a chaotic scramble will be
> heralded with
> the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing
> goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.
>
> Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling
> into the
> goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.
>
> Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper
> are
> already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
>
> PENALTIES
>
> At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker,
> who will
> defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring
> one
> more for a hat trick.
>
> In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he
> may
> defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is >comfortably in front,
> the
> ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
>
> Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at
> penalties.
>
> CLOSE SEASON
>
> This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble
> briefly
> in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the
> telly;
> pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about
> an hour
> and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is
> to
> watch.