I think my partner is leaving me. We recently moved to Sheffield from Manchester and he just hasn't settled he hates his job and misses his children (who live in Manchester with their mum). I have a dilema about whether to stay in Sheffield or to move back to Manchester. I can financially afford our house by myself. However if he goes i will be lonely i have no friend in Sheffield and all the people at my job are a lot older than me. I need to be here as i start university in September here and i know that i will meet people there however what can i do until then. I can return to Manchester as my contract runs out on my house soon. I can go back to my old life old job old friend which would be fab but, i would feel like i failed i was the first of my friends to move away get house with boyfriend etc, and don't want to look like a failure especially to my ever critial mum!! Advice would be fab my heads in 10 places at the minute and my partner still hasn't decided if he's leaving! Please help me!!
Thanks guys.
Melissa p.s sorry for babbling on!

Mel, have you talked to your boyfriend about this? If not, then you should! :)

Apart from that, don't worry about what people back home will think; they love you for a reason despite how it might feel if they're judgemental at first. Go with your heart babes.

Hope it works out for you.

K xx

I think you should stay put Melissa. I don't know how old you are but you're in the same position as any other uni student. You will have your course to look forward to and new friends to be made....go on, you can do this :thumbsup:

Listen to your gut instinct hunni - it very rarely lets us down :)

If he's 'the one' then you should maybe think about following him, but if not, is it not time to think about potential change?

Bugger the family and friends. The ones that matter won't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter....

Good luck

:)

Good advice already. Speak with your bf and emphasise the need for honesty. Regradless make your decision whether you want to stay now if he does go. You will make friends at Uni and if that's too far away then judging by other comments it's very easy to make them on here. Good luck!

I do love him but we're just too diffrent, i don't think even if i went back we'd be together, we just have to many diffrent values, i'm very careful with my money where as he's in heeps of dept which always ends up with me paying the rent, bills i even bought and wrapped my own xmas presie and then just gave him the gift tag to write, I'm really close to my family and their very important to me and yet he never even speak to his, this is just odd to me because of the way i was brought up.
I don't have to stay here for uni i can go to one in Manchester i do appreciate him moving for me it was a big step but he's changed he can't get the fact he can't just throw money away now he has bills to pay and rent to pay and yet he hasn't given me a penny for either since we've been in Sheffield. He says if i buy the house (which i'm lucky and could afford to do outright tomorrow), he'd stay but i don't want to buy a house based on a relationship that could end in six months!
Melissa

I think you know the answer Mel and that is what you should do. Welcome to Sheffield BTW and i'm sure you will make friends!

Originally posted by Moving_Mel
He says if i buy the house (which i'm lucky and could afford to do outright tomorrow), he'd stay...


Get rid babes; he sounds like a user from this comment; read it back to yourself and see how it sounds :(

Originally posted by youwhatref
I think you know the answer Mel and that is what you should do. Welcome to Sheffield BTW and i'm sure you will make friends!

He's right too! Why not come down to the Dev Cat one evening and come say Hi? We're very welcomming despite what some folk might think! ;)

Originally posted by Moving_Mel
I think my partner is leaving me. We recently moved to Sheffield from Manchester and he just hasn't settled he hates his job and misses his children (who live in Manchester with their mum). I have a dilema about whether to stay in Sheffield or to move back to Manchester. I can financially afford our house by myself. However if he goes i will be lonely i have no friend in Sheffield and all the people at my job are a lot older than me. I need to be here as i start university in September here and i know that i will meet people there however what can i do until then. I can return to Manchester as my contract runs out on my house soon. I can go back to my old life old job old friend which would be fab but, i would feel like i failed i was the first of my friends to move away get house with boyfriend etc, and don't want to look like a failure especially to my ever critial mum!! Advice would be fab my heads in 10 places at the minute and my partner still hasn't decided if he's leaving! Please help me!!
Thanks guys.
Melissa p.s sorry for babbling on!

If the only part of moving back to manchester is the fact that you will feel a failure, then rethink it. Your mum will probably only want what is best for you and for you to be happy. She may even be glad that you ditched him and went back.

Years ago I bought a house with my fiance only to discover that i didn't want to marry him after owning the house for 3 months. The only thing that was keeping me there was that I thought I would be a failure and my mum would be critical.

Anyway I went home, signed the house over to him then a year later got my own house. It was the best thing I ever did, even if it was hard at the time.

Having just posted on the other thread you started reference this subject, I have now come across this one and I must say as others have that it seems you ARE being used. The bit about buying and wrapping your own christmas present really did it for me and the fact that he said he would stay if you bought the house. Get out now, he obviously doesn't really care about you and you deserve better than that.

Ok guys we've got a crying Mel on our hands. I miss home i miss my family my friends my job, we moved here for a clean break because he was having personal problems, i wanted to go to Manchester uni. I like the idea of having my own house and being "grown up" and to be honest i know he uses me and everything but for some reason i want to stay to prove to myself more than anyone that i can do it. But surly being "grown up is also about not letting people walk alll over you? I know im contradicting myself alot, i'm sorry i'm just confused.

Dump him, stay in sheffield, get a house, start afresh, plenty of people you can make friends with.

Dont be one of them women i have to shake my head about that stick with totall ****** blokes.


or go back to manchester...either way get rid!!

I promise you this time next year you will realise what a tw*t he was and marvel at the new confident you :D Partners like that only drag you down with them.

Everything for a reason......... :)

Originally posted by Moving_Mel
Ok guys we've got a crying Mel on our hands. I miss home i miss my family my friends my job, we moved here for a clean break because he was having personal problems, i wanted to go to Manchester uni. I like the idea of having my own house and being "grown up" and to be honest i know he uses me and everything but for some reason i want to stay to prove to myself more than anyone that i can do it. But surly being "grown up is also about not letting people walk alll over you? I know im contradicting myself alot, i'm sorry i'm just confused.

oh hon dont cry - if he makes you cry - bin him off. No one should make you cry like that.

We'll be your new friends :)

It's easy for us to say Mel and i read from your posts that you know that answer. The part about the Xmas present amazed me!

Have a chat with him, let him know where you stand and give him so long to move out. But i appreciate it is so very difficult so work hard at it Mel.

Its silly really we look happy we've both got a nice house good jobs and look happy. I have a lot of confidence with other people but just not when it comes to being all by myself, i work nights (im at work now, so can't come to any of the meets!)
We went back to Manchester for xmas and everyone said how happy we looked. Guess looks can be deciving,

Im not normally a soppy guy...but hear goes.
The only person who can make the desicion is yourself, go with your heart.
What do YOU want to do, do you want to stay? Or would you beonly staying because if you go back to Manchester, you fell you have failed?
Iam sure you will make freinds in Sheffield, Im from Rotherham, lived hear all my life and have hardly anyfreinds. iam sure there is aload of people, including myself, who would meet up with you for a drink or 30.
Im going through a rough patch with my partner of 4 years, I lost my job in August and have been struggling to find f/t work since, I still pay my way, I did buy her a xmas pressie, but I dont think i love her anymore.
I think you should stay and you will meet new freinds, new people, get a new job or whatever you want to do. Go to uni and be a sponger (joking)
Its the neet before new years eve, and if tommrow or the next day or the day after that you still feel the same way, then I dont know you, but there is one way to get to know you is, Iam hear for you a shoulder to cry on, someone to moan all your problems away because i fell in a way wer are both in the same situation and can help each other out......i bet I sound like a 53 year old man preying on women over the internet, well i can assure you i aint. i dont do that, ive got the face for radio or internet. But if you need anything or anyone, Pm me, I will happily pass my details on and iam sure we can meet up for a chat.

Im sorry if this is a load of crap but i feel i needed to post, even theough iam proberbly one of the least affectionate guys hear, well after 8 pints im very affectionate.
Im trying to humor you, but remember, there is alot of people hear who is happy to talk to you, myself incl, us yoirkshire folk are nice.

take care

Love and stuff
Richard
x

Originally posted by Moving_Mel

We went back to Manchester for xmas and everyone said how happy we looked. Guess looks can be deciving,

Geezzzzzzzzz how many times has that been said after couples have split................!

Mel, this thread is making me really sad. I remember how sad I was when a relationship failed on me in March this year; it's gonna hurt but you gotta get yourself out of it!

My heart goes out to you; the other posters speak a lot of sense, but you gotta make your own mind up too! :thumbsup:

K x

i agree with Kristian, you are the only one to make your mid up - And iam thinking of you, as I have no idea what you are going through, it will be painful ( i dont know, never had a broken heart before) but your family and freinds old and new will be there for you.
Talk to your fella tell him how you feel, thats one of my problems I dont talk and I loose my temper alot.
But talk to him tell him what your feeling inside and what you want to do.

You will have looked happy as you was back in Manchester. And it's a fact that people rarely see any relationship for how it is (apart from the early stages when it's obvious :D ).

Go for it Mel! You're not a million miles from Manchester :)

I was only 19 when I moved cities on my own and didn't know a soul.

Originally posted by rich_85
( i dont know, never had a broken heart before)

You're bloody lucky Rich; maybe not from whichever way you look at it! :|

K x

Ive been with the same girl since i was 17.

Bit anyhow, every couple has a bad patch, we all know that. if you really love your fella then only you 2 can work it out.
Putting aside the fact that you bought your own pressie and pay etc etc, I think money causes 98% of relationships to end.
Me and your rfella are alike, i have money it burns a hole in my pocket, but I do pay my way bills rent, presants, etc etc. i think if you love the guy wit all your heart and feel deep down you can give this ago then its upto you honey

Ricardo
x

I might as well go back to Manchester, there's nothing keeping me here i only came here for him. So i'll be embarrassed about failing, but surly the ones who care will be glad to see me back and not care? I have to fo and do some work now, however i'll keep you posted. But what if he decides he doesn't want to leave? And he wants to stay. Also I'v got a ****ing shed load of furnature WTF could i do with that? And could i possibly go back to my mum?, Oh well at least i could get my washing done!!
Thanks guys for all the help, i'll keep you posted!
Melissa

Originally posted by Moving_Mel
I think my partner is leaving me. We recently moved to Sheffield from Manchester and he just hasn't settled he hates his job and misses his children (who live in Manchester with their mum).

Hi Melissa :wave:

Why is it you who has to make the decision whether to stay in Sheffield or return to Manchester? He doesn't like his job - what's stopping him looking for anoher one? Your partner hasn't settled - how long have you been in Sheffield though? He misses his kids - but didn't he think about that before he moved here?

Although he's got a job, he spends all his money - and didn't even have enough to buy you a Christmas present. How sad I was to read that you bought your owen present, and wrapped it yourself, and your fella only had to write the label.

Think about these things Melissa. They may help you see things clearer.

Best wishes for the future -

Red

Originally posted by redrobbo
Hi Melissa :wave:

Why is it you who has to make the decision whether to stay in Sheffield or return to Manchester? He doesn't like his job - what's stopping him looking for anoher one? Your partner hasn't settled - how long have you been in Sheffield though? He misses his kids - but didn't he think about that before he moved here?

Although he's got a job, he spends all his money - and didn't even have enough to buy you a Christmas present. How sad I was to read that you bought your owen present, and wrapped it yourself, and your fella only had to write the label.

Think about these things Melissa. They may help you see things clearer.

Best wishes for the future -

Red

Red is so right with this Mel; I hope it goes well for you! :thumbsup:

K x

Dont worry about the parental disapproval thing. I went through all that. Im used to them disapproving of every move I make now, and they are used to me doing as I like and not taking any notice, so they come round in the end. Its just that they want the best for you and they think they know what that is. But only you do. And hey, if you make a mistake, its not the end of the world. To err is human.

I've just replied to your other "jokey" thread and now having read this post realise that you're obviously too upset to think straight at the moment.
I too moved to another city to be with someone and it didn't work out, it took me a while to realise that whether I was living in Sheffield or living in any other place, I wouldn't be happy with that person.
We'd done the visits to see my family over weekends and everyone kept saying how happy/settled I looked, but it's just a face you put on show for them.
I felt like I was the failure for starting a relationship and moving and then deciding that it hadn't worked out, and that I would have the told you so's from my family, but you know what, my family only wanted me to be happy. Once they realised that I hadn't been happy, they moved heaven and hell to help me come back home.
Speak to your partner, but also speak to you family about how you're feeling, you may be surprised by how much they love and miss you, and like you say, you can always go to Uni in Manchester.

Manchester or Sheffield, this guy is treating you with no respect, you say he's older than you and has kids from a previous relationship, yet he cant get it together to pay rent/bills....

Get him dumped a.s.a.p , and whether you stay in Sheffield or go back over to Manchester, I wish you health and happiness and a partner who puts their ful 100% into your relationship.

:thumbsup:

Originally posted by sharpsinger
Manchester or Sheffield, this guy is treating you with no respect, you say he's older than you and has kids from a previous relationship, yet he cant get it together to pay rent/bills....

Get him dumped a.s.a.p , and whether you stay in Sheffield or go back over to Manchester, I wish you health and happiness and a partner who puts their ful 100% into your relationship.

:thumbsup:

I echo that sentiment, and it's so much more succinct than what I previously typed.

Follow your own heart not his...

I used to subscribe to the 'if I love someone hard enough they'll love and value me as much as I love and value them' but sady it just isn't true.

Prepare yourself for the fact that after you split up with him he'll realise how great you are and try to manipulate you to get you back.

You don't need him- you're already propping him up for no return. Once he's gone you will of course be sad and have to spend some time grieving the relationship, but you are the one person that you can rely on right now- so give yourself the time and space to make the decision about your future AFTER you've dealt with the nasty current realities about your realtionship.

Once you're no longer living unhappily with your partner you may find that you feel different about living in Sheffield or returning to Manchester- but you won't know that until you've gone through all the relationship stuff.

Either way round, I wish you the strength to carry through your decisions with courage and conviction, and the judgment to make the difficult decisions that you have ahead of you.

Hi Mel,

I have just ended a long term relationship with my partner - whom is sensible with money, organised and the most wonderful person to ever walk the earth.

I, however, am a smoker, in debt, and have been CRAP with money in the past.

I'm only 22, but I have spent the last 4 years learning an invaluable lesson.

We used to kid ourselves and ignore the fact that we have no shared intrests, and nothing in common. If you have nothing that you can enjoy together, on a regular basis, your relationship will end.

All I have heard in terms of advice over the past few months, is "If you love each other, you can make it work".
The people that say this are generally those whom are "settled" in their relationships.

Yes, I still love her, and I know she still loves me to - but we are not IN LOVE anymore. Nothing annoys me more than couples that stay together for the sake of it. They both know it, but darent admit it to one another, or themselves.

---------------

In my opinion, NOBODY should give you an ultimatum in a relationship. If you buy the house he will stay??? naaah.

Sheffield is a GREAT place to go to Uni, and a great place to live and meet new people. I know all your friends/family are in Manchester, but just imagine starting your life again in a completely new city!

Good luck Mel,

Nathan :)

Yeah girl, it'll be a new year and a new you! Just think, by the time you start uni in september you'll have all these new and interesting people to meet and socialise with.....you'll have a ball! I wish you all the best of luck, from a gal who's single, ditched the dross and lovin it! Best of luck xx

Sheffield is a wonderful place to be at uni, I thought so ten years ago when I came away from home to this city.

If I was you I would :-

:1. Chuck the fella out
:2. Buy your house
:3. Optionally - Rent out the other bedrooms to students via the uni, will help pay the morgage
:4. Enjoy Freshers week and join some of the student activity groups.

Or do the same in Manchester...just get rid of the fella.

No point in being with the wrong person and if they can't be bothered to buy you a thoughful gift for Christmas, they are a waste of space.

hi there...you should do what your heart is telling you to do....its never wrong...he sounds like a waste of time to me and your life is too short to waste time....live every day as it comes,,,,be happy....you should never make yourself unhappy to keep others happy...you only get one shot at life.....you can replace your partners if your not happy but you can never replace your family.....hope everything works out ok for you im sure it will.....:thumbsup:

Originally posted by Moving_Mel
I think my partner is leaving me. We recently moved to Sheffield from Manchester and he just hasn't settled he hates his job and misses his children (who live in Manchester with their mum). I have a dilema about whether to stay in Sheffield or to move back to Manchester. I can financially afford our house by myself. However if he goes i will be lonely i have no friend in Sheffield and all the people at my job are a lot older than me. I need to be here as i start university in September here and i know that i will meet people there however what can i do until then. I can return to Manchester as my contract runs out on my house soon. I can go back to my old life old job old friend which would be fab but, i would feel like i failed i was the first of my friends to move away get house with boyfriend etc, and don't want to look like a failure especially to my ever critial mum!! Advice would be fab my heads in 10 places at the minute and my partner still hasn't decided if he's leaving! Please help me!!
Thanks guys.
Melissa p.s sorry for babbling on! stay here,im sure it wont take you long to meet new friends,and the time will pass soon then you will be at university,and to busy to wory about anything else

good luck, hope it works out best for you,which ever way you choose

Think about if in ten years you want to be laughing about that Christmas your bloke was so skint, he made you breakfast in bed and some slave vouchers for the year or the fact that you've never had a Christmas present from him. If you accept that in year one, he'll see that as your standard. It's not the fact he had no money, it was the zero effort factor.

He sounds like the type of person who is dragging down your self esteem and belief that you can be independent.

University is the most fantastic experience you can have and, in my opinion, even better if you go to a different town. I didn't change that much (I've done that in later years!) but the amount of people I saw become their own person. You'll meet loads of people there.

I hope you make the right decision for you.

Originally posted by EdnaKrabappe
Think about if in ten years you want to be laughing about that Christmas your bloke was so skint, he made you breakfast in bed and some slave vouchers for the year or the fact that you've never had a Christmas present from him. If you accept that in year one, he'll see that as your standard. It's not the fact he had no money, it was the zero effort factor.

He sounds like the type of person who is dragging down your self esteem and belief that you can be independent.

University is the most fantastic experience you can have and, in my opinion, even better if you go to a different town. I didn't change that much (I've done that in later years!) but the amount of people I saw become their own person. You'll meet loads of people there.

I hope you make the right decision for you.

Well said.... I may add that maybe He knocks your self confidence.... if so it is time to get rid. You sound like a Lady who can take care of Herself.... the question is can He?

If He can't it's not your problem.... love is blind sometimes but it soon fades.... and when you leave you will see His true colours.

Hi Mel

People have given loads of great advice that I can only echo.
You'd do well not to put down any roots with this guy, he'll just take you for a ride and drag you down. It sounds like he's using childish emotional blackmail to see how far he can push you.
You need to take control and you make the decision of whether he stays or goes.

My ex-wife remarried a few years ago. She had her own house and her new husband moved in with her. She was never any good with money - but he was even worse. He ran the credit card bills and bank loans up to such an extent that they had to sell the house to release the equity, and move into rented accomodation to pay off the loans. Then he did it again without her knowing.
They've now split, but she now has the banks on her back because she is half liable for the debts.

If you dont feel comfortable in Sheffield, then move back to Manchester. I'm sure you're mum will welcome you back with open arms. You can put your furniture in storage til you get a place of your own again.
I'm sure you'll feel better in a few months if you can get things sorted, and you're bound to make new friends here if you decide to stay.

You've got a tough time ahead and it won't be easy. But just think to yourself - what if you're in the same situation in a couple of years. It'd be time wasted when you could be happy. Just because you'll be on your own for a bit won't mean you're a failure. You've got a chance to do something good with your life. Don't let someone waste it for you.

I honestly hope that things work out for you.
Take care

Mark

mel,

I can't say much more than the really good advice that's already been posted on here,

but listen to your heart.

This time last year, I was with an ex, who was planning on how he was going to spend my money. I was "subbing" him left right and centrer.

He was saying

"...and when your DLA gets renewed, we'll get a Fiat Doblo, and we'll..."

I was sat there, thinking "My god! I can't see me being tied to you for the next three weeks, fella, never mind tying myself to you for another three years!"

Listen to your heart, mel. Your happiness is what is important. don't let yourself be dragged down by him.

If you aint gonna be happy with him, shake the dust of the soles of your feet, and move on.

I dumped my ex, and i moved on, got my confidence back, and have a fantastic new bloke, who is everything the ex wasn't. i am so incredibly happy. I have started this new year, with a new life, really.

As Kristian said, you will be more than welcome at the dev cat meets on a sunday night... We're a freinedly bunch, we don't bite, we have a laugh and a natter. it's good fun.

PT

Up date , i decided to talk to him after listening to everyones advice he was really sorry and said he didn't realise how upset i was blah blah blah that was in the afternoon on NYE then he got hammered went out, didn't come home at all that night or last night i was worried sick was just about to phone the police when he turned up at 3 this arternoon he stunk and looked a mess, i just looked at him, got my car keys and walked out the door, i'm at work now, don't know if he'll still be there when i get home but now, i couldn't care less. He ruined my christmas by not getting me a presie then sulking because his ex wouldn't let him see his kids, then ruined my new year by leaving me all alone then disappearing for 3 days.
I'm going to Manchester on Friday to see all my family and friends for the weekend, think i'll chat to them see what they think.
Two more words-- HIS LOSS!!!

He sounds like a petulant child Mel. Be strong it will hurt like hell but you'll get through it.

from everything you have written about your fella on here it just sounds like he doesn't deserve you taking care of him - which is what you are apparently having to do. it speaks volumes that you had to buy your own pressie. if you can't handle leaving him and not being near your family then go back to manchester for a while, i'm sure your family will welcome you back with open arms not i told you so's!! you can still come back to sheff in sept for uni and meet a whole bunch of nutters a.k.a fab mates you'll have for life cos thats what you'll get out of the experience. everything is there for you to make the most out of it, you just have to be brave enough to get on with it.

good luck with whatever you decide to do :)