a friend & employee of my wifes is in the mist of wedding preperations for 2006. flowers,churdh,dresses, honeymoon etc all booked.
as yet no invites have arrived but we have all been invited verbally.
she has however revealed to my wife she is having an affair with a single guy (who is a guaranteed player). she is physical with him but not her fiance if you get the drift.
fortunately for her she revealed this after the xmas do, otherwise her fiance would definitle have been informed on the night.
we are refusing to go to the wedding as things stand.

so should i tell her fiance or wiat to see if it fades away.her only reason for not cancelling is the £2k deposits she has paid.

I would keep out of it. Sometimes if you intervene both sides can turn on you.

I do not envy you, that is terrible :(

IMHO if you must say something, speak to the woman and not her hubby to be. Let her know your concerns.

But to be honest, if they are not that close to you.....keep yer nose out! It'll all end in tears anyway and i'm sure you wouldn't want to be labeled as the 'cause'.

to be honest i do take quite a high moral stance on issues like this. so it makes it worse for my wife who doesn't agree with the "affair" well shagging sessions really but feels like she has to side with her friend to an extent i s'pose.

If it was me I'd let it pass and do nothing. I take the view that it's best to have a quiet life, and exposing an affair within a year of a wedding would certainly not lead to that quiet life. It may be that this woman needs a brief physical affair to "get it out of her system" before she does actually settle down with her fiancee.

Going back a few years, my best friend cheated on her boyfriend with his brother. I knew all about it and said nothing (although I admittedly did think that her boyfriend was a bit of a knucklehead). The affair only lasted about a month, and afterwards she realised that she'd done the wrong thing. Myself and the few other close friends she'd told never revealed to him that we knew, so the relationship lasted for another three years after that.

Sometimes it's best to do nothing and let things pan out naturally.

It certainly is a tough situation to be in...

You could end up telling the Fiance... after finding out this affair is only a fling and that the wife to be does really does love her husband to be... and before you know it you have ruined their chances of being happy...

On the other hand... it could end up being something serious if he is a single guy... and her fiance could be wasting his time thinking he could be happy with his wife to be...there again you said hes a bit of a player... so really it could only be a matter of time before this single guy moves onto his next victim... and your wife could be the one having to pick up the broken pieces...

Hmmm... dont envy you...

My advice would be to go with what your gut is telling you... thats usually the best thing to go by... or just sit back... wait and see what happens...

Remembering... What goes around comes around...

Good luck...

I think you shouldn't tell the fiance.

People can behave very very strangely round their own weddings. It's very final and if you don't have doubts you're not human, and more people than admit it probably have a final fling just to 'check'.

If I was you I would try sitting down with her and trying to get her to see sense and think about what she's doing. She can't just blindly carry on like this, if it comes out after the wedding it will be ten times worse, and she will probably end up alone without either guy. She can't just go through with it for the deposit.

You really need to sit down and talk to her so she can get to the root of what's wrong.

If you really feel like you have to interfere then speak to the woman having the affair, don't tell tales.

Originally posted by willman
her only reason for not cancelling is the £2k deposits she has paid.


So THIS is why she's getting married?!?!


She can't be normal surely.

I'd run a mile to avoid her.

Not your place to say anything IMHO! though I have to say if I was the guy being cheated on, I would rather someone come tell me

Grass the cheating wench up.

Originally posted by Geezer
IMHO if you must say something, speak to the woman and not her hubby to be. Let her know your concerns.

.

Totally agree with Geezer, tell the woman you are unhappy about thsi kind of thing and if it is true that she wont cancel only because of the £2k then try to reason with her.

It is not your relationship to destroy. She appears to be doing a very good job of it herself. Chances are, he wouldn't believe you if you told him. Keep well out of it.

As for telling the fiance: I'd feel very bad if I knew someone was getting married and didn't know the full story. But that's just me.

Personally, I'd tell the lass that you're not happy that she's put you in this situation - if she's gonna have an affair she should at least have the grace to keep it to herself and not expect others to keep her secrets for her.

She's being unfair to you and your wife as well as to her fiance.

Chicken Monkey x

It sounds like there is no relationship to be destroyed not for her anyway. Why do people do these things, some people just dont realise what theyve got until its gone. So shes going to marry this poor guy for the sake of 2k what a nasty piece of work.

If i was you id have to say something to her, just tell her that she has to stop what shes doing or end her relationship and cancel the wedding regardless of the money and if she doesnt you'll tell him about his fiance's affair.

If it was me id want to know if i was being cheated on whatever the circumstances.

honesty is the best policy
this marrage wont last long if shes unfaithfull before it even gets started, better to end it now before any children come along

I agree with Geezer

Talk to the woman. If she's having an affair, then there is something amiss somewhere. She might be glad of someone to talk to!
Dont go in all judgemental though, after all you don't know any details.
If she' only going ahead with the wedding cos of the money, someone needs to help her talk some sense into herself! If you get my meaning.

It takes a lot of guts to pull out of a wedding.

Originally posted by cloudybay
It is not your relationship to destroy. She appears to be doing a very good job of it herself. Chances are, he wouldn't believe you if you told him. Keep well out of it.

I agree totally with Cloudybay. It ultimately is none of your business - do you even know the fiance? It's not for outsiders to interfere in other people's relationships. The fiance may well suspect there is something going on, but wishes to turn a blind eye to it. You don't know.

You have been put in a bad position, all the same - it was very unfair of your wife's friend to put you both in this situation. If you really feel you have to say something, have a quiet word with your wife's friend - she may be wanting some advice, but doesn't quite know how to go about finding it.

The bottom line is though that no-one outside a relationship really knows what's going on inside that relationship, and it is for the two people concerned to work their own lives out.

StarSparkle

TBH willman, it's none of either your or your wifes business.

Sometimes in life you learn things that you choose to keep to yourself.

I can see the sense in all the posts so far and I don't think there is really a right or wrong way for you to deal with it but I can't help thinking that if I was planning to get married and my fiance was betraying me in this way, I would want to know - before the wedding. It may not be prudent for you to inform the man directly, but surely he must have friends who you could tell, they would surely be able to support him?

I would speak to her and tell her that if she wont tell him you will. Give her the chance to own up first. if she fails to inform him then tell the guy. I've had this done to me and a mutual friend of ours did what i'm telling you to do now. Only she didnt own up and he had to tell me! I was mad/angry for a while but glad I found out now.

Hope this helps mate

I think that if you told him, he wouldn't believe you and would suspect some other motive. He will (quite reasonably) feel that he knows this woman better than you do (he's her partner after all) and won't take too kindly to someone suggesting that he's being taken for a ride.

This is from my experience - I was that bloke who refused to believe what he was being told. Fortunately it was my mum who was doing the telling so it didn't end in fisti-cuffs or fall-outs. But I just didn't believe what she was telling me, even tho (with hind-sight) she was clearly correct.

If you told the woman how you feel she'll probably just tell you to sod off, ending the friendship. But then, if you're refusing to go to the wedding I guess the friendship is kind of knackered anyway.


If it were me I'd spill the beans, despite the possibility that you'll be met with disbelief. Being unfaithful to your partner is a deeply deeply horrible thing to do and it takes a hell of a long time to get over something like that. This unfortunate fella needs as big a head start as he can get. With the marriage looming, he also stands to lose out finanically too, which would add to his troubles.

I can't agree with the "it's none of your business" sentiment. These people are your friends. Their well being *is* your business. Of course, if you don't like the bloke then it's a different matter

the problem is that the girl works for my wife so that is putting a strain on that relationship - longer lunches than allowed,sneaking off to his office during the day etc.
the girl, my wife & my daughter are all relatively close friends and we all socialise occasionally.
myself & my daughters partner quite honestly fear we would be unable to look the guy in the eyes at the wedding knowing what is going on, which is why we are refusing to attend the wedding.
i think her acts are despiccable - if she needs someone else now then it won't go away just 'cos she's wearing a ring.if it does then its the ring & goodies that matter not her fiance IMHO.

Originally posted by wibbles
Grass the cheating wench up.

I agree grass the bag up, better than marry'ing a 2 timing moneyhungry bitch.....

You're right to be cautious. A disgruntled employee with an axe to grind and questionable morals isn't something to be taken lightly. The repercussions can be far more serious than you might think. My mum nearly lost her job and pension rights (after 25+ years service) when she was maliciously accused of bullying a woman who worked for her. It took 2 years to resolve the case (in my mum's favour) and was a pretty sorry (and, as it turned out, sordid) saga.

I think the 'right' thing to do is to tell him, but on reflection I think maybe keeping quiet is a wiser choice, on purely practical grounds. If she didn't work for your wife then it'd be an entirely different matter (IMO).

Tell the fiance. If you were in his shoes, you'd want to know. Also, if she's playing away she *can't* love him so there's no chance of destroying a loving relationship when it clearly doesn't exist to begin with.

Has anybody thought for a second that she might not be alone in 'playing away'? Nobody has given a moments thought to the possibility of two sides to the coin.

Regardless, I still think that it is none of your business. People have a right to chose to live their lives in whatever manner they see fit and that frankly has nothing to do with anyone else. Your own morals are beside the point. At present it does nothing to affect you in the slightest apart from worrying about a 3rd party that you don't really know.

It will only cause animosity all around against you!

Therefore on a more practical note, I think that you are laying yourself open for a case of constructive dismissal with the employee - friend or no friend. You don't owe the boyfriend anything, and the employees relationships are nothing to do with the firm or you, but you do have a business to look after.

Originally posted by Tony
People have a right to chose to live their lives in whatever manner they see fit and that frankly has nothing to do with anyone else.

I think it has EVERYTHING to do with her fiance.

Originally posted by t020
I think it has EVERYTHING to do with her fiance.
But you're treating it as though it is somebody who is close friend, a relative, etc.

This girl is an EMPLOYEE, and the first duty is towards the business. Like I said, there is, IMO, a good case for constructive dismissal of the employee if her employer meddles in her private affairs. It is legally very clear that an employer should keep his / her nose out of such things. To do otherwise is a risky course of action that may well end up in front of an employment tribunal with a resultant claim running into thousands.

In this context it is far better for the employer to leave well alone.

Originally posted by Tony
Has anybody thought for a second that she might not be alone in 'playing away'? Nobody has given a moments thought to the possibility of two sides to the coin.

Regardless, I still think that it is none of your business. People have a right to chose to live their lives in whatever manner they see fit and that frankly has nothing to do with anyone else. .

I have to second what Tony has just said. Not everything in life is as straightforward as others would wish to believe. Relationships take many forms these days, and unless you have all the facts you are in no position to judge.
I work with a man who married a lady because he wanted children. It was their agreement that she bore his children but had no further part in his life. I know other people who have open marriages, done for status and money. It's their life, not yours. Assume nothing and you won't go far wrong.

Originally posted by t020
I think it has EVERYTHING to do with her fiance.

For all Willman knows, her fiance may be playing away too. You don't have any idea what the ground-rules of their relationship are. That's basically a matter for them and no-one else.

It IS a bad, unfair position that Willman and his wife find themselves in, and there really is no right or wrong answer in this situation. But I suspect Willman is more concerned with appeasing his own conscience than feeling sorry for the fiance.

It may not be moral what this woman is doing, but it still is no-one else's business. To repeat what Tony has said - it's their lives - leave them to get on with them.

To paraphrase a chappie from a few years back 'Don't mess with the stuff of other people's souls'.

StarSparkle

Hmmmmm not a nice situation for anyone. At the end of the day no one knows for sure whats going on with them at home- even close mates dont alwyas tell each other everything. Also whos to say he doesnt suspect something already but is choosing to ignore it- it'll turn his world upside down and although its not you and your wife actually doing anything wrong do you really want/need that on your concience?? If you really dont want to go to the wedding make up an excuse- she may well realise you know something.

Willman,

There are so many reasons why you and your wife should just ignore that you ever heard this admission from the woman involved.

As has been said, you don't know the ins and outs of the relationship - people rarely do these sorts of things on the spur of the moment; there could be something in the relationship that has triggered it and you may be ignorant of it.

If her behaviour is against the rules at work - that is a work issue to be judged on the impact on her job - not on the supposed morality of her behaviour. Being someone's boss does not give anyone the right to pry into their staff's lives. If you grass her up, she finds out, then she is not going to be the best of employees.

You're not a relative, you're not a friend, you're the husband of her employer / boss. That's not a close connection to go diving in to the area of human relationships.

Remember the old song - 'fools rush in where angel's fear to tread'.

Joe

Originally posted by StarSparkle
For all Willman knows, her fiance may be playing away too. You don't have any idea what the ground-rules of their relationship are. That's basically a matter for them and no-one else.

It IS a bad, unfair position that Willman and his wife find themselves in, and there really is no right or wrong answer in this situation. But I suspect Willman is more concerned with appeasing his own conscience than feeling sorry for the fiance.

It may not be moral what this woman is doing, but it still is no-one else's business. To repeat what Tony has said - it's their lives - leave them to get on with them.

To paraphrase a chappie from a few years back 'Don't mess with the stuff of other people's souls'.

StarSparkle


It is someone else's business though - her fiance's. He should know the truth. If the "ground rules" of their relationship mean they can sleep around, then no problem - he will respect Willman for letting him know and may tell his fiancée to be more discrete.

Though bitter experience, I've learned that interfering in a major way in the life of someone else is seldom a wise move. Even if done with the best intentions in the world, it can so easily backfire on the one who tries to help.

Originally posted by t020
It is someone else's business though - her fiance's. He should know the truth. If the "ground rules" of their relationship mean they can sleep around, then no problem - he will respect Willman for letting him know and may tell his fiancée to be more discrete.

But it's certainly not Willman's business - sounds like he doesn't even know the guy!

Now if Willman was the fiance's brother or best friend, it MIGHT be a different matter, although I still think it is folly to interfere in other people's relationships.

Seriously, the fiance could well know/suspect what is going on, and is choosing to ignore it for his own reasons. Who knows how he will react if Willman forces him to acknowledge something he's maybe not ready to face yet?

What price Willman's conscience against the fiance's peace of mind?

StarSparkle

Originally posted by t020
It is someone else's business though - her fiance's. He should know the truth. If the "ground rules" of their relationship mean they can sleep around, then no problem - he will respect Willman for letting him know and may tell his fiancée to be more discrete.

But it's certainly not Willman's business - sounds like he doesn't even know the guy!

Now if Willman was the fiance's brother or best friend, it MIGHT be a different matter, although I still think it is folly to interfere in other people's relationships.

Seriously, the fiance could well know/suspect what is going on, and is choosing to ignore it for his own reasons. Who knows how he will react if Willman forces him to acknowledge something he's maybe not ready to face yet?

What price Willman's conscience against the fiance's peace of mind?

StarSparkle

you mentioned her intended int getting a dibble,thats the problem she's gooin short,well thats that problem sorted....its better to have loved an lost than not to have had a dibble at all.

Originally posted by t020
It is someone else's business though - her fiance's.

Precisely, so leave it at that.

Originally posted by t020
Tell the fiance. If you were in his shoes, you'd want to know. Also, if she's playing away she *can't* love him so there's no chance of destroying a loving relationship when it clearly doesn't exist to begin with.


I wouldnt say thats 100% true... he must love her otherwise they wouldnt be engaged... she is the one that is cheating... just sounds like the love is a one way system... although she is cheating it doesnt mean to say that he doesnt love his finace whole heartedly...

However saying that... some people do or have cheated for their own reasons...

I feel loneliness can be very much to blame…

If you love your partner as much as your partner loves you... an you still have fun together inside & outside of the bedroom an still fancy one another... Why would you want to cheat?

My conclusion as to why people tend to cheat is because they feel lonely unloved & unwanted by their current partner... Someone new comes along pays them that attention/affection that happens to be missing from their relationship and before you know it there's an instant attraction between 2 people...

I'd never cheat... as I have been cheated on in the past... so I know the pain cheating can cause... I couldnt put anyone through that... plus it can knock yourself esteem... big time!

Trust is a very special thing... once that trust is lost its very difficult to get it back an its not something that can happen over night... only in time... and even then should an argument arise affairs will always no doubt be brought up during the slanging match...

I really dont see the point in hurting someone so close... I despise cheats schemers & liars etc...

Originally posted by willman


so should i tell her fiance or wiat to see if it fades away.her only reason for not cancelling is the £2k deposits she has paid.

I have been trying to resist responding to this but can't resist anymore so here are a few comments.

If you were the fiance, would you want to know?

If I was the fiance, I would want to know.

When I had a friend in a similar position I didn't tell hoping that the problem would resolve itself. It didn't and then i felt guilty for not telling.

What happens if she gets a STD.

What happens if she gets pregnant.

Far too many complications so I think give her three options:-
She ends the relationship.
She continues the relationship tells her fiance.
or you tell the fiance.

You cant give her '3 options' !!! Thats so like playing a game with someones life! At a push hint you know something, but honestly!!! Yes its wrong if she is having an affair but as has been said who actually knows the ins & outs of their relationship?? Not anyone apart from them! People dont have affairs out of sheer nastiness (no im not condoning affairs before you all start getting nasty with me! ) im simply saying she may be horribly unhappy & fell trapped....anyways . Thats enough before I get really carried away!!!!!

Originally posted by sarah99
You cant give her '3 options' !!! Thats so like playing a game with someones life! At a push hint you know something, but honestly!!! Yes its wrong if she is having an affair but as has been said who actually knows the ins & outs of their relationship?? Not anyone apart from them! People dont have affairs out of sheer nastiness (no im not condoning affairs before you all start getting nasty with me! ) im simply saying she may be horribly unhappy & fell trapped....anyways . Thats enough before I get really carried away!!!!!

Well said, Sarah.

I don't condone affairs either, but so many of you sound so self-righteous. Who are any of you to tell this woman what and what not to do with her life? Who are you to offer her 3 options? Who do you think you are?

Some people on this thread are so judgemental - I hope others are more understanding and forgiving of you when you make a mistake in your life.

StarSparkle

Originally posted by sarah99
You cant give her '3 options' !!! Thats so like playing a game with someones life! At a push hint you know something, but honestly!!! Yes its wrong if she is having an affair but as has been said who actually knows the ins & outs of their relationship?? Not anyone apart from them! People dont have affairs out of sheer nastiness (no im not condoning affairs before you all start getting nasty with me! ) im simply saying she may be horribly unhappy & fell trapped....anyways . Thats enough before I get really carried away!!!!!

The guy just asked for opinions. I gave mine. I am not saying I am right, but it is my opinion. You on the other hand have just slagged me off for having an opinon. Unlike you, I am not going to slag you off for having an opinion.

Originally posted by StarSparkle
Well said, Sarah.

I don't condone affairs either, but so many of you sound so self-righteous. Who are any of you to tell this woman what and what not to do with her life? Who are you to offer her 3 options? Who do you think you are?

Some people on this thread are so judgemental - I hope others are more understanding and forgiving of you when you make a mistake in your life.

StarSparkle

Who do you think you are to criticise me without offering anything constructive your self.

Originally posted by drolnhoj
Who do you think you are to criticise me without offering anything constructive your self.

Excuse me? When have I criticised you personally?

Don't take part in debates if you can't handle your point of view being opposed.

StarSparkle

Wait until you're in a social situation with the woman and her fiance, then with as much sincerity as you can manage, ask them for the secret behind their succeesful 'open' relationship.

Originally posted by StarSparkle
Excuse me? When have I criticised you personally?

Don't take part in debates if you can't handle your point of view being opposed.

StarSparkle

I apologise if I mis-interpreted what you said but I got the impression that you were supporting what Sarah said, which was a crticism of my opinion. I am all for open debate but i repeat, I do not believe I am right or indeed self-righteous. I just offered an opinion. You are now suggesting that I should not take part in debates. I suggest you grow up.

just to put things in perspective. we have known the girl for 6 years in & out of work,her relationship with my wife is extremely close.we have known the finace 2 years - the same as she has.
he is anice lad who has left his parents home to move to sheff 'cos that's what she wants.he moved jobs,bought a house,sold his car - to form a relationship as she/they wanted.
he wouldn't play away if he had the chance,unfortunately he does love her. but he's not a mug.
if he was getting sex every other day & now it's 2 months , he know something's amiss.
he's working more hours than god sent to pay for the wedding & she just issues demands & shags anyone she wants.by the way this isn't the first.
if she wants freedom surely the correct procedure is to finish with the fiance & go her own way, that would be fair to everyone.
him/her & us having to lie or pretend.

Originally posted by drolnhoj
I apologise if I mis-interpreted what you said but I got the impression that you were supporting what Sarah said, which was a crticism of my opinion. I am all for open debate but i repeat, I do not believe I am right or indeed self-righteous. I just offered an opinion. You are now suggesting that I should not take part in debates. I suggest you grow up.

Are you apologising or telling me to grow up?

You seem to be very confused.

For the record, I do support what Sarah said, but I was not personally criticising you, just your opinion, as was she. That's what debating's about. Now I will criticise you, and say you're being ridiculously over-sensitive. See the difference? If you can't stand the heat.....

StarSparkle

i totally agree, i think its beta for him to find out now than once theyre married with children etc. i think u shud talk t the woman first and hear her side of the story, or get your wife t talk t her about it if theyre friends. if she doesnt tell him then its up t u whether u tell the fiance or not but if t was me id surely want t know before the wedding, not after!

Hope this helps in some way! xx

Originally posted by drolnhoj
The guy just asked for opinions. I gave mine. I am not saying I am right, but it is my opinion. You on the other hand have just slagged me off for having an opinon. Unlike you, I am not going to slag you off for having an opinion.


I must be missing the point here or something but i really can't see how this....

originally posted by sarah66You cant give her '3 options' !!! Thats so like playing a game with someones life! At a push hint you know something, but honestly!!! Yes its wrong if she is having an affair but as has been said who actually knows the ins & outs of their relationship?? Not anyone apart from them! People dont have affairs out of sheer nastiness (no im not condoning affairs before you all start getting nasty with me! ) im simply saying she may be horribly unhappy & fell trapped....anyways . Thats enough before I get really carried away!!!!!

is a personal attack on you drol, all she has done is stated her opinion, now you need to put yours across, not have a bit of a cry about the fact that she disagreed with you

Originally posted by willman
just to put things in perspective. we have known the girl for 6 years in & out of work,her relationship with my wife is extremely close.we have known the finace 2 years - the same as she has.
he is anice lad who has left his parents home to move to sheff 'cos that's what she wants.he moved jobs,bought a house,sold his car - to form a relationship as she/they wanted.
he wouldn't play away if he had the chance,unfortunately he does love her. but he's not a mug.
if he was getting sex every other day & now it's 2 months , he know something's amiss.
he's working more hours than god sent to pay for the wedding & she just issues demands & shags anyone she wants.by the way this isn't the first.
if she wants freedom surely the correct procedure is to finish with the fiance & go her own way, that would be fair to everyone.
him/her & us having to lie or pretend.

I think you need to grass this b1tch up.........do it in a way that they won't know its you somehow, or perhaps explain to her that you're friends with her fella and he really needs to know this

however if i was the fella, and you told me the truth you'd have a friend for life

Originally posted by Angel05
I wouldnt say thats 100% true... he must love her otherwise they wouldnt be engaged... she is the one that is cheating... just sounds like the love is a one way system... although she is cheating it doesnt mean to say that he doesnt love his finace whole heartedly...


I said that SHE didn't love HIM though....

Originally posted by StarSparkle
Well said, Sarah.

I don't condone affairs either, but so many of you sound so self-righteous. Who are any of you to tell this woman what and what not to do with her life? Who are you to offer her 3 options? Who do you think you are?

Some people on this thread are so judgemental - I hope others are more understanding and forgiving of you when you make a mistake in your life.

StarSparkle


It is possible to let the fiance know what's going on without JUDGING and it would not be self-righteous to do so. It would certainly be the best option in my opinion. As someone has pointed out, if they're to marry then children may become involved later, and what price a relationship like this ending in divorce and a fatherless home?

Originally posted by Tony
But you're treating it as though it is somebody who is close friend, a relative, etc.

This girl is an EMPLOYEE, and the first duty is towards the business. Like I said, there is, IMO, a good case for constructive dismissal of the employee if her employer meddles in her private affairs. It is legally very clear that an employer should keep his / her nose out of such things. To do otherwise is a risky course of action that may well end up in front of an employment tribunal with a resultant claim running into thousands.

In this context it is far better for the employer to leave well alone.

Absolutely agree. I guess there's nothing wrong with you or your wife being 'cool' with her if you like and not socialising with her and the fiance, but as to actually addressing the issue directly, I think you'd be bang out of order.

Who do you think you are, to be interfering in another couple's business? ( I mean that in the nicest possible way, btw). I agree with the previous poster who reminded us that we don't know if the fiance suspects/knows and is choosing to go ahead regardless. Really, IMO, it is not for you to become embroiled.

Originally posted by willman
j
he's working more hours than god sent to pay for the wedding & she just issues demands & shags anyone she wants.by the way this isn't the first.

Say no more (BITCH)

Originally posted by SHsheff

Who do you think you are, to be interfering in another couple's business? ( I mean that in the nicest possible way, btw). I agree with the previous poster who reminded us that we don't know if the fiance suspects/knows and is choosing to go ahead regardless. Really, IMO, it is not for you to become embroiled.

certainly is one way of looking at it, on the other hand this b1tch is currently ruinin this poor chaps life and you have the opportunity to help him out, yeah i know there could well be more to it, but she's a repeat offender.....

willman, i think you are involved now and since you're involved you're not sticking your nose in OTHER people's business

If these where my friends then I would say nothing.
If my relations then I would still not utter a word to
the partner but offer a listening ear to the one who
confided in you.
This was after a Christmas do and perhaps after a few
drinks this maybe not a true story.
If you are a true friend then don't break a relationship and
a chance of happiness for two people.
Instead take your place to witness a happy day and hopefully
a long and happy marriage.
It would be very sad if you spoilt two peoples chance of a very
happy future with children and Grandchildren in the future.
Say Nowt and be there if you are needed.

Originally posted by Tony
But you're treating it as though it is somebody who is close friend, a relative, etc.


thats right tony, thats because........

Originally posted by willman
we have known the girl for 6 years in & out of work,her relationship with my wife is extremely close.we have known the finace 2 years - the same as she has.

This is a difficult position to be in for sure.

I think I might be inclined to have a word with the woman (not Bitch) and let her know that I refused to be in the position of colluding to let her affair continue. Longer lunch hours etc, your wife's the boss, she should come down and drag her employee back to toeing the company line.

Deceiving your partner is a despicable way to behave but it's interesting, if predictable, that alot of the males on here who have responded have done so with venom.
I'm sure those same posters wouldn't condone affairs full stop but there seems to be a much less tolerant attitude if a WOMAN is cheating on her man:o :o
Men who have extra marital affairs seem to be treated with a different yardstick, but woe betide any woman who has the cheek to do it.:rolleyes:

my wifes had a word purely as a concerned friend & not to preach at her.
her response was that it was fun & she wanted it before she got tied down.
but if she feels so little for her fiance , i cant see why getting married will stop her personally.

Originally posted by Englishlady
This is a difficult position to be in for sure.

I think I might be inclined to have a word with the woman (not Bitch) and let her know that I refused to be in the position of colluding to let her affair continue. Longer lunch hours etc, your wife's the boss, she should come down and drag her employee back to toeing the company line.

Deceiving your partner is a despicable way to behave but it's interesting, if predictable, that alot of the males on here who have responded have done so with venom.
I'm sure those same posters wouldn't condone affairs full stop but there seems to be a much less tolerant attitude if a WOMAN is cheating on her man:o :o
Men who have extra marital affairs seem to be treated with a different yardstick, but woe betide any woman who has the cheek to do it.:rolleyes:

Very true!

I think its all going to end in tears when her husband to be finds out.

I really dont get why people feel the need to have 'one last fling' before they get married?

If you are engaged to be married to someone- you dont cheat on them, even before you get married to them- I find it very sad and it makes he/she look very bad in my eyes, particularly women.

I just hope the bloke in question finds out what his potential 'wife' has been upto and it opens his eyes.

If she can cheat before she gets married- whats stopping her doing it once the ring is on the finger?

Once a cheat- ALWAYS a cheat

Originally posted by Englishlady
but there seems to be a much less tolerant attitude if a WOMAN is cheating on her man:o :o
Men who have extra marital affairs seem to be treated with a different yardstick, but woe betide any woman who has the cheek to do it.:rolleyes:

explain how you arrived at this????..........from my point of you you're so wrong, anyone ruining anyone elses life by cheating is equally wrong, there is absolutely no differentiation from my point of view

Originally posted by Englishlady
This is a difficult position to be in for sure.

I think I might be inclined to have a word with the woman (not Bitch) and let her know that I refused to be in the position of colluding to let her affair continue. Longer lunch hours etc, your wife's the boss, she should come down and drag her employee back to toeing the company line.

Deceiving your partner is a despicable way to behave but it's interesting, if predictable, that alot of the males on here who have responded have done so with venom.
I'm sure those same posters wouldn't condone affairs full stop but there seems to be a much less tolerant attitude if a WOMAN is cheating on her man:o :o
Men who have extra marital affairs seem to be treated with a different yardstick, but woe betide any woman who has the cheek to do it.:rolleyes:

I totally agree with you, Englishlady.

This is a sad situation all round, where it looks like everyone involved is going to end up losing out. I suspect the woman concerned is simply not yet ready for the commitment of marriage, and as a result she's playing with the potential peace of mind of a number of people. Very selfish.

BUT - this thread has taken a very nasty anti-women turn - grass the bitch up? - what a thing to say. Can you imagine the furore if a black person was referred to in such a derogatory way? Or is it ok to gratuitously insult women cos we make up over 50% of the population?

There is a strong whiff of revenge-taking here, of smacking this woman back into line. Notice the mature, reasonable stance taken by most of the women, and the vicious, pack-mentality of the men? I wonder what the male response would have been if it was a bloke who was playing away? I'll bet the vindictiveness (and the venom) would be absent.

Multiple usage of the word 'bitch' has not been helpful in this discussion. Maybe we haven't moved as far away from the antediluvian attitudes of the 1950s regarding a woman's place as we'd like to think. (as per a couple of threads yesteday).

Very 'bitchy', unpleasant thread.

StarSparkle

Originally posted by StarSparkle
I totally agree with you, Englishlady.

This is a sad situation all round, where it looks like everyone involved is going to end up losing out. I suspect the woman concerned is simply not yet ready for the commitment of marriage, and as a result she's playing with the potential peace of mind of a number of people. Very selfish.

BUT - this thread has taken a very nasty anti-women turn - grass the bitch up? - what a thing to say. Can you imagine the furore if a black person was referred to in such a derogatory way? Or is it ok to gratuitously insult women cos we make up over 50% of the population?

There is a strong whiff of revenge-taking here, of smacking this woman back into line. Notice the mature, reasonable stance taken by most of the women, and the vicious, pack-mentality of the men? I wonder what the male response would have been if it was a bloke who was playing away? I'll bet the vindictiveness (and the venom) would be absent.

Multiple usage of the word 'bitch' has not been helpful in this discussion. Maybe we haven't moved as far away from the antediluvian attitudes of the 1950s regarding a woman's place as we'd like to think. (as per a couple of threads yesteday).

Very 'bitchy', unpleasant thread.

StarSparkle

you don't get it............any woman that cheats on a man she is about to marry is a b1tch in my eyes, similarly any man that cheats on a woman he is about to marry is scum too.......happy now? its not about feminism, its about doing the right thing, you're view is different to me, thats fine but just because opposing views doesn't mean mines wrong or i'm discriminating, just don't like cheaters...........and don't bother going down the you're naive route AGAIN, it just makes you look silly when about 5 people to tell you to shut up AGAIN

.........and i don't get why you're now bringing race into it???????

there's no discrimination from my part, you're the one discrimating here

Rocketpig

Re read my post.
I think you'll find I said 'deceiving your partner is despicable' no gender was mentioned. It is abhorrent behaviour in both men and women.

There's no need to be so aggressive in your responses. :)

Originally posted by rocketpig
you don't get it............any woman that cheats on a man she is about to marry is a b1tch in my eyes, similarly any man that cheats on a woman he is about to marry is scum too.......happy now? its not about feminism, its about doing the right thing, you're view is different to me, thats fine but just because opposing views doesn't mean mines wrong or i'm discriminating, just don't like cheaters...........and don't bother going down the you're naive route AGAIN, it just makes you look silly when about 5 people to tell you to shut up AGAIN

.........and i don't get why you're now bringing race into it???????

there's no discrimination from my part, you're the one discrimating here

I beg your pardon? I see you're still talking a lot of drivel. I've already had to deal with you on one thread - don't make me do it again.

Just precisely WHO has been so rude and ill-mannered as to tell me to shut up? Oh, you have. Silly me! You have got a chip on your shoulder about me, haven't you? Just cos I got you banned for harrassing me by PM.

Silly little boy. :D

StarSparkle

Starsparkle,

totally agree.
If a man plays away the attitude is usually(not always) one of nudge, nudge, go on my son type of crap.

Of course if we point out these things then we become men hating feminists:rolleyes:

Rocketpig,

Please don't get agressive and personally abusive here.

We don't tolerate it. So pack it in.

Joe

Originally posted by Englishlady
Starsparkle,

totally agree.
If a man plays away the attitude is usually(not always) one of nudge, nudge, go on my son type of crap.

Of course if we point out these things then we become men hating feminists:rolleyes:

so its fine for this women to cheat on her husband to be?.......getting one back for the ladies is it......

Originally posted by JoeP
Rocketpig,

Please don't get agressive and personally abusive here.

We don't tolerate it. So pack it in.

Joe

sorry......don't mean to be Joe, just trying to make my point. but i'll cool it, i don't want to ruin my good run!

Originally posted by rocketpig
so its fine for this women to cheat on her husband to be?.......getting one back for the ladies is it......

No, of course it isn't right for her to cheat - no-one has said it's ok to cheat. In fact, most of us on this thread have said specifically we DON'T condone cheating.

You're obviously too immature to see what a sad situation it is - everyone involved will end up hurting and losing. People's love lives aren't a competition to see who can hurt who the most, you know. Love is not about scoring points off each other - it's the opposite of that. Perhaps you're not ready for an adult concept of love yet.

StarSparkle

Dearie me rocket pig

IT'S NOT TOLERABLE TO CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER REGARDLESS OF GENDER. No one should cheat in other words.

How many times do I have to point out that this is what I said?

Originally posted by StarSparkle
No, of course it isn't right for her to cheat - no-one has said it's ok to cheat. In fact, most of us on this thread have said specifically we DON'T condone cheating.

You're obviously too immature to see what a sad situation it is - everyone involved will end up hurting and losing. People's love lives aren't a competition to see who can hurt who the most, you know. Love is not about scoring points off each other - it's the opposite of that. Perhaps you're not ready for an adult concept of love yet.

StarSparkle

i knew you couldn't respond without patronising!!!

i have asked you not to patronise me before, and now you're doing it again......can you please not do it

i'm not immature when it comes to relationships........i am fully aware that oneday i'll agree to marry, and when i do there will be 100% trust and devotion to each other

Originally posted by rocketpig
i knew you couldn't respond without patronising!!!

i have asked you not to patronise me before, and now you're doing it again......can you please not do it

i'm not immature when it comes to relationships........i am fully aware that oneday i'll agree to marry, and when i do there will be 100% trust and devotion to each other

I'm very pleased to hear it :thumbsup:

StarSparkle :)

i know how about a bit of anonymous encouragement - p'haps then she'll come clean to her "beloved".

Stay out of it. Whatever happens everyone will get hurt who knows about it. You will be criticised for revealing, and criticised if you keep schtum. And its none of your business which is a good defence Its your partners friend. Let her do what she feels best. Theres only one guilty party (as far as you know.) Shes made her bed, let her sleep in it. (no pun intended)

It's none of your business. You may not agree with what she's doing but you don't know the full situ and even if you did, leave it to the people involved. Why on earth would you want to worry or stress about it?

If she isn't physical with her fiancee but is with "mr stud" there could be reasons for that.

If you get involved then you guarantee people will be hurt and probably including yourself. With this being an employee, it's even more important not to get involved as you'll open up a big can of worms. I can't reiterate that enough.

Quite a few people have got all high and mighty on this thread yet the majority of people have "misbehaved" at some point in their life. That doesn't make it right, but it's important not to go all judgemental just because you don't do it.

If you're "the intimately involved" then that's different!

All I can say is that if I was the fiance, I would want to be told about it (and I suspect this would apply to most others too). I don't understand this "don't know the situation" argument - he does know the situation, better than the fiance does by the sound of it. Willman is in the position to stop future children being born into a loveless marriage that will probably result in them living with one parent only.

Originally posted by t020
All I can say is that if I was the fiance, I would want to be told about it (and I suspect this would apply to most others too). I don't understand this "don't know the situation" argument - he does know the situation, better than the fiance does by the sound of it. Willman is in the position to stop future children being born into a loveless marriage that will probably result in them living with one parent only.

Willman may not be in a position to prevent this meaningless wedding from going ahead, but unlike a lot of posters on this thread I regard marriage as a very serious commitment which needs to include faithfulness and trust and I can understand Willman's worries. :(

the latest update is the "romance" is off, 'cos the sex ain't all that good. and the other guy is spending Xmas with another lady - which is more like the truth. jealous of her fling having a fling.
so if it all happens hopefully the fiance will be back in the saddle.

Originally posted by willman
the latest update is the "romance" is off, 'cos the sex ain't all that good. and the other guy is spending Xmas with another lady - which is more like the truth. jealous of her fling having a fling.
so if it all happens hopefully the fiance will be back in the saddle.

If she can stray so easily the fiance needs to be told. Do the right thing, not the easy thing. :thumbsup:

Originally posted by t020
If she can stray so easily the fiance needs to be told. Do the right thing, not the easy thing. :thumbsup:

By any chance, were you John Knox, the fire and brimstone Presbyterian preacher, in a previous incarnation, T020? Just wondering..... I believe he refused to take any account of human frailty too, so convinced was he of his own righteousness.

StarSparkle

Spot on 'Starsparkle'....after all....

'let he who is without sin cast the first stone'

unless of course they've already said 'jehovah' ;) :clap:

Hi Willman

Glad to hear things may be a bit more sorted. Seems you've started one heck of a debate on here eh?

Not sure what I think really, but it looks like fate might decide.

What I would suggest though is that you and your wife give this woman and fiance a wide birth for a while. It is up to you who you socialise with and if you find her 'doings' put you in such a horrible moral position, keep away from her.

As someone else said, I reckon your wife might be best getting her relationship with this woman on a more professional level. Mixing business with pleasure can end in tears....

Good luck with everything. I certainly wouldn't want to be in your position as I would have similar difficulty with it.

Chicken Monkey x

Originally posted by StarSparkle
By any chance, were you John Knox, the fire and brimstone Presbyterian preacher, in a previous incarnation, T020? Just wondering..... I believe he refused to take any account of human frailty too, so convinced was he of his own righteousness.

StarSparkle


No, but you are only defending infidelity on the grounds of the offender being female, let's face it. You're annoyed that so many men are saying that she should be "grassed up". You're defending your fellow woman - 'you go girl!'. However, I have no doubt that were the offender male, you would want him hung, drawn and quartered.

With regards the "human frailty" - it's up to the fiance to take on board her so called frailty (or easiness, some may say), but he should be aware of all the facts before he goes ahead and marries her. A marriage built on such foundations will inevitably end in divorce (and possibly ruined childhoods too), so it's surely a duty to inform the fiance of his fiancée's cold, calculated and unfaithful ways.

Originally posted by willman
the latest update is the "romance" is off, 'cos the sex ain't all that good. and the other guy is spending Xmas with another lady - which is more like the truth. jealous of her fling having a fling.
so if it all happens hopefully the fiance will be back in the saddle.

she sounds like a really aweful women

Originally posted by willman
the latest update is the "romance" is off, 'cos the sex ain't all that good. and the other guy is spending Xmas with another lady - which is more like the truth. jealous of her fling having a fling.
so if it all happens hopefully the fiance will be back in the saddle.

Until the next one comes along! :D

But if and when they do id's still stick with the majority and say nothing to the guy.

At least she keeps her £2k now or and possibly makes a bit out of the guy when he eventually divorces him.

Tell her you want a weekly session yourself otherwise you'll tell all! :heyhey:

Originally posted by coopster1974
Tell her you want a weekly session yourself otherwise you'll tell all! :heyhey:

to be honest pal if i was the type to even think it, i honestly wouldn't touch her with yours.

What a bizarre situation. It does indeed sound as though there's something amiss between your wife's friend and her fiancée - surely if she (says at least) that their sex life isn't that good (I believe "not physical with her fiancée" was how you put it), then marrying the guy would be a mistake. How closely do you know the guy? If he seems genuine and nice then it's a huge shame that he really doesn't know the woman he's marrying. Effectively, she's making a mockery of him with your knowledge. I usually find the 'honesty game' is usually a weak person's way of dealing with guilt, and she is pathetic for making you and your wife shoulder some of it for her.

Quite frankly, the fact that you and your wife have declined the invitation to the wedding surely means that, whether your wife was very close to her or not, they have definitely fallen out over this issue. Possibly unreconcilably - how, if looking either of them in the eye on the big day is a huge issue, will it ever be something you feel comfortable with in the future?

'Getting it out of the system' works for some people, but not for others, whether they be male or female. It's perfectly possible that it is a final fling, but on the other hand it could be merely the start of what is to come. As has been pointed out, when children are involved further down the line, this becomes potentially very distressing.

I'd urge your wife to seek legal advice to protect her position as an employer, do her best to get rid of this woman, and let the guy know. £2000 isn't a lot of money when you're gambling with somebody's future happiness.

If it was me i'd want to know, She sounds like a deffinate bag.
I'd do it annonymously from a website or something then you won't get in trouble for being a grass, He doesn'tr deserve to have his life ruined by a dirty hoe.

Willman get her fiance to test her using this service (http://www.textcheats.co.uk/) and play it down as if it's a bit of a game and you did the same to your better half.
With any luck she'll fail miserably and maybe then he'll figure some things out himself.

Just a thought...at least then you're not directly telling him anything.

t020 - you certainly don't know everything. Get off your high horse, lol!

Relationships and marriages, in the real world, are complicated things. It sounds like some of you lack some experience if you ask me, or live somewhere cosy where you pretend things don't go wrong.

I'm not saying this woman is right or that I wouldn't want to know in that situ, I'm saying it's more complicated and that unless the fella is a good friend then you really should stay right out of it from his side.

I've seen some really nasty situ's in the past and the truth can be more damaging than you ever realise, and it won't just be the two involved that get hurt either. When I say hurt, I'm including physical hurt here as well. Think about it.

If you feel bad about it, which I can totally understand, talk to her calmly and as non-judgementally as possible. It's doubtful she's some terrible evil woman, she's probably feeling a bit lost, messed up, who knows. Find out the reasons for her actions rather than taking the high moral stance without making any effort to understand why and to sort it out. If she does turn out to be a complete b*tch, well you'd still have the option to force her into something tho I wouldn't recommend it. Also, remember that love can be blind.

Don't give her an ultimatum - that's you inflicting your life on someone else - but if I were you I'd say something like "I'm not judging you but how would you feel if your fella was doing this - should you talk to him - should you be getting married - if there is no physical side shouldn't you sort that out - see a councellor, just yourself if necessary, etc".

If you believe in the sanctity of marriage then good on you, but again, in the real world, things most often don't work out like that. Ever worked in marriage guidance? If so, you'll know what I mean.

Originally posted by wibbles
Grass the cheating wench up.
Here here

Originally posted by wibbles
Grass the cheating wench up. too right, the poor bloke can't marry THAT. Save him from a disaster. In fact I'll do it for you

Pathetic excuse 2k deposit, i would let the poor guy know straight away that the women he plans to marry is doing the dirty on him.

What would happen if it was the other way round? it would be a typical man playing away, lots of tears ect ect.

Difficult one this.Its hard to have high morals and see two people you know do something which flies in the face of those morals-I know 'cos I find myself in the same situation this morning:help:

But at the end of the day,its down to the people involved to sort it out-im afraid theres not much you can do.

If it makes you feel any better(and I know it wont,sorry)If she's cheating on him before the marriage has even begun,chances are she'll cheat on him when she's married-maybe not with this same bloke,but with the next pair of trousers that she bats her eyelashes at.

Leopards never change there spots...:(

Surely ALL the aggressive posts should be removed????

Cheating's a disgrace regardless whether it's a man or woman doing it. I think some people are missing the point. If the man was having the affair I'd feel exactly the same about him. there's no place anywhere for people like that

Originally posted by Little_Alex
Cheating's a disgrace regardless whether it's a man or woman doing it. I think some people are missing the point. If the man was having the affair I'd feel exactly the same about him. there's no place anywhere for people like that

I agree with you 100%-but you cant apply youre own moral standards to other people.

Originally posted by Annoni_mouse
I agree with you 100%-but you cant apply youre own moral standards to other people. Thank you. I know in an ideal world it wouldn't happen but should it be allowed to happen and cause this man to be hurt more than he will be if he's not told? I"d like to know about what type of person I'm about to marry

Originally posted by miggy
t020 - you certainly don't know everything. Get off your high horse, lol!

Relationships and marriages, in the real world, are complicated things. It sounds like some of you lack some experience if you ask me, or live somewhere cosy where you pretend things don't go wrong.

I'm not saying this woman is right or that I wouldn't want to know in that situ, I'm saying it's more complicated and that unless the fella is a good friend then you really should stay right out of it from his side.

I've seen some really nasty situ's in the past and the truth can be more damaging than you ever realise, and it won't just be the two involved that get hurt either. When I say hurt, I'm including physical hurt here as well. Think about it.

If you feel bad about it, which I can totally understand, talk to her calmly and as non-judgementally as possible. It's doubtful she's some terrible evil woman, she's probably feeling a bit lost, messed up, who knows. Find out the reasons for her actions rather than taking the high moral stance without making any effort to understand why and to sort it out. If she does turn out to be a complete b*tch, well you'd still have the option to force her into something tho I wouldn't recommend it. Also, remember that love can be blind.

Don't give her an ultimatum - that's you inflicting your life on someone else - but if I were you I'd say something like "I'm not judging you but how would you feel if your fella was doing this - should you talk to him - should you be getting married - if there is no physical side shouldn't you sort that out - see a councellor, just yourself if necessary, etc".

If you believe in the sanctity of marriage then good on you, but again, in the real world, things most often don't work out like that. Ever worked in marriage guidance? If so, you'll know what I mean.

Best and wisest post on the whole thread, Miggy. I agree with every word - well said. Some other people on this thread have a lot of maturing to do. Life is a lot more complicated than some people on here recognise.

I won't say more or post again as I'm apparently on the edge of being banned if I say more on this thread :(

StarSparkle

Miggy's words are sensible but I reckon the woman in question would not bat an eyelid. She's cheating on the man who's life she plans to ruin and if she can't see the wrong in what she's doing then I'm afraid a friendly chat won't make her realise it

Originally posted by StarSparkle
Some other people on this thread have a lot of maturing to do.

StarSparkle

What an amazing statement from somebody who seems to think that her opinions are the only ones that are correct and appears to criticise the opinon of so many other people. :)

Wooo! Bitchy. I knew there was a reason why I joined this forum! :D

Yes I'd just stay out of it. But I know that it is easier said than done!
But you just have to think if one of these people are your friends - then your friendship should be the thing that matters and comes first.
I would, personally, stick by my friend- whether I thought it was right or not. But then again, thats how i get myself into some rather stick situations- But its all goood times!

Originally posted by futura2000
Wooo! Bitchy. I knew there was a reason why I joined this forum! :D


You should see some of the posts that have been removed from this thread ;)

This thread has seen the most gratuitous use of the word 'bitch' I have ever had the misfortune of seeing....

StarSparkle

Originally posted by StarSparkle
You should see some of the posts that have been removed from this thread ;)

This thread has seen the most gratuitous use of the word 'bitch' I have ever had the misfortune of seeing....

StarSparkle

thought you weren't posting again on this thread?

i think b1tch is a great word for someone who cheats on their fiancee

Any feedback from this pre-Christmas dilemma, given it's now post-Christmas?!? (albeit with the fun of what is NYE to come!!)

no updates yet.they're still on crimbo holidays.

Originally posted by rocketpig
thought you weren't posting again on this thread?

i think b1tch is a great word for someone who cheats on their fiancee

Rocketpig, this is not a useful comment and looks like you;re trying to stir things up again between you and StarSparkle.

So don't.

Joe