can anyone help??? I broke up wi my ex girlfriend 4 weeks ago ater an arguement ( a big one ) now i have met some one new and more arguements she now says she is pregnant. She now says i have no right to know if she is or aint and i know she is and that i have no rights to see it or have any access can anyone advise me wot to do i do wont to be there for her and baby.

Originally posted by jediwarrior
can anyone help??? I broke up wi my ex girlfriend 4 weeks ago ater an arguement ( a big one ) now i have met some one new and more arguements she now says she is pregnant. She now says i have no right to know if she is or aint and i know she is and that i have no rights to see it or have any access can anyone advise me wot to do i do wont to be there for her and baby.

Firstly, she is more than likely lying. (been there and got the T-shirt)

Secondly you have loads of rights. Contact citizen's advice, the number is in the phone book.

Best of British.

I guess the two of you aren't talking at the mo? Makes things difficult.

Are you sure she is pregnant? How do you know that - just from what she says or other (reliable) source?
Can you really trust her word atm?

If she is pregnant I don't think she would be able to stop you having access (legally?) but I'm no family lawyer, maybe a visit to Citizens Advice Bureau would be in order. Even if they can't give you answers they will be able to get you in touch with the relevant people to help in your situation.

I'm so sorry to hear of your turmoil right now.

The long and the short of it is that legally you have no rights until and unless the baby is born and you take her to court to force her to take a paterity test to prove that the baby's yours.

HOWEVER, by being calm and sensitive, and by being very gently persistent, and I mean really gently, you may be able to convince her that you're a good guy, and that you want to do your best at supporting her in her decisions about the baby (although legally you also have no rights to be considered in any of these, including whether she chooses to have a termination). If you can, then you will have probably only one chance to get it right and abide by your decision to support her.

Maybe the first approach should be done by very calmly writing a letter that explains that whatever has happened between you two does not affect how you feel about any resulting child from the partnership, and your wishes to offer her and the child support.

You REALLY need to keep this out of solicitor's hands at the moment, as getting all legal and forceful is guaranteed to get her back up, and then you'll find all doors towards good realtions shut.

I wish you luck in this, but please engage your brain before acting, and find a way of being calm and respectful at all times.

IMHO, I think its bull - why tell you she is pregnant and in the next breath tell you that you have no right to know one way or the other.

Women have been using this ploy since time began (or Owdlad was a kid, which ever came first)

Ask her for conformation, if she has seen a doctor and she is pregnant, she will have some kind of paperwork.

If she cant provide any proof within say, 2 months - assume its a crock.

If I had a quid for everytime I have heard this one....

worst case scenario she is pregnant, by legally she can make it difficult but she cant stop you seeing the baby if it is yours!

could be possible she is making it up because you have started to see someone else and she is now regretting the break up.just seems a bit weired that she told you she was having your baby and then say you have know right to know. sounds a bit like emotional blackmail to me.

If it is true and she is pregnant you will automatically be financially responsible (but they never collect the money properly anyway), but you won't automatically be entitled to access if you are not married.

You can rectify this after the baby is born by applying to the family courts for a parental responsibility order, which will give you similar rights to divorced fathers.

Another option is to try mediation with your girlfriend to work something out. The Citizen's advice bureau will be able to help.

If I was you I would try and talk to her folks, try and talk to them and take a 'she's pregnant but she seems to be really stressed and distressed about the break up and I'm concerned she's not okay', parents are usually sensible and will try and talk her round - also it might give you an idea if she is lying.

Originally posted by SallyLaLaLa
...you will automatically be financially responsible...you won't automatically be entitled to access...

Not questioning wether this is factually correct - just wanted to say it stinks!

thanks for all your help everyone will try to talk to her

Being as you're a Jediwarrior could you not use 'the force' to make her see things your way?

Sorry, couldn't help it!

Hope things work out.

Forewarned is forearmed... Some of these sites might provide you with useful advice:

http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/Templates/Topic.asp?NodeID=89857

http://www.eventoddlersneedfathers.com/

http://www.manches.com/practices/family/service.php?id=141

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/

http://www.coeffic.demon.co.uk/coparent.htm

http://superstriker.net/home.htm

Get a diary and document dates and what correspondence you had with her, take copies of any letters you send. You never know when this will come in handy. It proves that you have not ignored the situ (if it's a real one)

If it's over, then it's over. If this is emotional blackmail, stand your ground mucker.

All the Best.

Originally posted by dafoot
Not questioning wether this is factually correct - just wanted to say it stinks!

In a way it's actually quite sensible. Married men are assummed to be parents unless their wives can prove otherwise.

However, if men who weren't married could get access to a child without proving they were the father it would mean that ANY man could gain access to your child without having to prove they were the father, just if they claimed they were. At the moment the system means that there would be no point them doing that as it would be discovered before the court case ended and would therefore be pointless.

It's a shame but that's the world we live in.

It also stinks that even if you are the father of kid (even if you were married to the mum) you can get away without paying maintenance because the CSA are rubbish. (why do they do that? if you don't like someone enough to have a kid use a condom or even better don't sleep with them?).

In my book women who refuse access to a father because they don't like him and dads who don't pay maintenance are as bad as each other.

Originally posted by SallyLaLaLa
In a way it's actually quite sensible. Married men are assummed to be parents unless their wives can prove otherwise.

However, if men who weren't married could get access to a child without proving they were the father it would mean that ANY man could gain access to your child without having to prove they were the father, just if they claimed they were. At the moment the system means that there would be no point them doing that as it would be discovered before the court case ended and would therefore be pointless.

It's a shame but that's the world we live in.

It also stinks that even if you are the father of kid (even if you were married to the mum) you can get away without paying maintenance because the CSA are rubbish. (why do they do that? if you don't like someone enough to have a kid use a condom or even better don't sleep with them?).

In my book women who refuse access to a father because they don't like him and dads who don't pay maintenance are as bad as each other.

Yep I agree, well said. I have first hand experience of an ex using our child as a pawn ! and I liaise with the CSA and do as they say. It's bloody heartbreaking.

Please tell me you don't know this person (http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=67690)

I think I made my feelings about this sort of thing quite clear on that thread ;)

Well that's exactly what I mean. You are an honourable bloke and I wish you luck. At least if you don't get to see them too often you'll at least know that you gave them all the support you could.

Can i say once again without being a total pain, what has this sort of thread got to do with sheffield?

Maybe if the forum set up an agony aunt for u, then u could let the whole of sheffield know ur biz.

IMO she shouldn't have told you without having proof that she actually was pregnant.

Offer to go with her for a scan, if she doesnt want you to go then maybe she is lying. Cos when you have to have things like scans you would do anything for the father to be there to hold your hand cos (if she is) she will be very scared right now.
Also you will find out how far gone is is so you can work out the dates for when the baby was concieved.

Just try and be as nice a possible and you will find out if she is or not.

Does you new partner know about all this?

strix i dont know that person but it s doin mi head in wi her bein like this. i wont to be there but she says i cant cos i`m wi some one else and if i go to court i wont have leg to stand on wi my past

Originally posted by SallyLaLaLa
...but you won't automatically be entitled to access if you are not married...




You wont be automatically access, but you will have automatic parental responisbility which goes a long way towards gaining access. You would have to be a really bad father not to get access when you have parental responsibilty, like a murderer or something.


As for this pregnant ex, I reckon she is lying. Had it happen to me a few times in the past. What do these girls get out of lying about being pregnant. :rant:

Originally posted by spyro2000
As for this pregnant ex, I reckon she is lying. Had it happen to me a few times in the past. What do these girls get out of lying about being pregnant. :rant:

Strange but so do I................:rant:

Originally posted by spyro2000
You wont be automatically access, but you will have automatic parental responisbility which goes a long way towards gaining access.

Don't you only get PR if you're named on the birth certificate?

In any case, jediwarrior, I agree with others - keep the communication lines open.
Whether she's really pregnant or not, this lass ain't behaving very maturely, IMO. Try to rise above it until you know more. It's harsh but your gonna have to bite your tongue until you know what the situation is for sure....

All the best,

Chicken Monkey

Originally posted by jediwarrior
can anyone help??? I broke up wi my ex girlfriend 4 weeks ago ater an arguement ( a big one ) now i have met some one new and more arguements she now says she is pregnant. She now says i have no right to know if she is or aint and i know she is and that i have no rights to see it or have any access can anyone advise me wot to do i do wont to be there for her and baby.

This is the same situation near enough that I have found myself in for the past 7 years.

My lying bitch ex of a fiancee produced my daughter of 7 years old who I havent seen for the past 6 and a half years due to my ex's part in all of the carry on.

I went to the CSA for help in all of this, they dont want to help the fathers in any way possible by the way - I asked for the paternity test to be done for my piece of mind as my ex messed me around by telling me that I was/was not the dad and that I couldnt have anything to do with her.

I am now being asked to pay £70 a month even though I cant see my child- which I shouldnt have to pay- if I am not allowed to see her by my ex's reckoning.

My advice for you
Seek legal advice now- get a solicitor involved and make everything nice and legal, get the paternity test done early and find out if the child is yours, if your ex gets the strop on like I think she may well do- then get the law involved.

My biggest mistake was that I trusted my ex thoroughly and I am paying for it big time now- get a solicitor and get it sorted legally.

I think ANGELUS has hit it on the head here. If you want to get anything done, get it done EARLY, the later you leave these things the worst they become, and we all know its hard on Fathers enough as it is.

That's awful, Angelus. I can't believe that's allowed to happen in this day and age.

What am I talkin about? Corse I can believe it. The law is an ass.

Good luck with stuff.

Chicken Monkey

My ex tried saying she was pregnant. She started sending me pictures of scans and allsorts to mess with my head, and then a picture of her with a HUGE bump, only 3 weeks after we'd split up? Bearing in mind she was stick thin, there's no way she'd have got that in just 3 weeks.

I showed a girl mate of mine and she assured me it was bull- And she was right.

She's more than likely emotionally blackmailing you.

It was sinister on my part, but to make sure my ex didn't keep up the lies/top herself.. I told her we may not be over for good and that I needed a few weeks to cool off (knowing she would get over her self pity after a few days). This worked a treat and she got off my case (more or less).

Potentially, all women are crazy :)

Not all women are loons.

The lasses mentioned on this thread are well out of order, but we're not all psychos. Honest.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that whilst I was in Iraq, she "developed" panic attacks and said it was because I was causing her to be stressed out?

It made me absolutely hate her guts the way she tried to blame me for everything. At the end of the day, I was always nice to her, never cheated, took her places, bought her things but nope.. Not enough :)

She could never speak about anything bad face to face or on the phone. She'd be at mine all weekend and everything would be great, then she'd set off home and 5 mins later I'd get a text saying "You don't fancy me anymore do you?" or "You hate my guts don't you?" or "You don't want to be with me anymore do you?".

Crazy bitch. Haha.

Sounds insecure to me. You reckon she might have not wanted to let you go? Terrified of you leaving her, p'raps?

well i am sort of speakin to ex but it always ends up in an arguement :( but never mind thanks for advice everyone ur all heplfull i know. the only thing it now causin trouble between me and new g/f as ex rings when im wi her women are such pains lol

Maybe you should try using protection instead of doin any old bird.

Originally posted by mattyuk1
Maybe you should try using protection instead of doin any old bird.

How do you know he didnt?

Originally posted by spyro2000
How do you know he didnt?

True, mistakes happen. She could have used the old 'i'm on the pill' trick, I've heard that one a lot before :confused:

Girls, eh? They give us a bad reputation!

How do you know he didnt?

wouldnt the fact she was pregnant give it away? if he did wear something, the bells would ring.

Originally posted by mattyuk1
How do you know he didnt?

wouldnt the fact she was pregnant give it away? if he did wear something, the bells would ring.

Did you not see Sunshines post? :)

Please bear in mind that there is no such thing as 100% effective contraception. Condoms are listed as 98-99% effective when used correctly.

This may seem a small risk, but if there are 1 million couples using condoms over the course of a year, that means that 10,000 pregnancies will result from the correct usage of condoms, assuming that the 99% figure stands.

The same figure stands for the contraceptive pill, and that's when the user hasn't had a stomach upset, cold or antibiotics, when the efficacy can drop by 30-50%, which is why it is recommended that extra precautions are taken. I know 2 very intelligent women who have conceived whilst taking the pill correctly, and one who conceived while taking the pill, but who was on a course of antibiotics and so was also using a condom. She had a really uneasy feeling after a minor condom slippage and so took the morning after pill as well, AND WAS STILL PREGNANT.

IUDs are listed as 99% effective, as is sterilisation. Please note that not even sterilisation is 100% effective. The only things that are truly effective are abstinence and hysterectomy, both of which are quite extreme.

It happens. I agree that the OP hasn't helped his case by stating that condoms were used, but in many monogamous relationships, as this sounds like it was, the questions about contraception have been addressed and so it just wasn't stated as relevant to the point in question.

If you're male and have had sex with a woman, it doesn't matter whether you used contraception, there are no guarantees in this world.

This thread was not about the relative benefits of contraception. It was about how to deal with the emotional fallout of this woman's statement to him and how to proceed in his responses to her. I'm sure he is aware that if she is indeed pregnant he could be the father.