Are you hungry but the chip-shop is closed? Is your cat knocking around with an undesirable? Perhaps your foot itches. Perhaps you just need advice.

If so, I am here to help. Please send your problem to me and I will, hopefully, help to alleviate it.

Dear Doctor Sam

I have just been to the local shop (a very nice one it is too),but when I had selected my chosen produce,I was aksed by a man behind a counter to hand over some money.

Im sure Im not alone on this problem,but the cheek of it there I was minding my own and he asked for cash.

Is this a new practice ?,I have always found the exchange of goods (like for like) to be an efficient way of trading.
They have even stopped me from taking in my basket of chickens,how am I meant to trade now ?.

Please help.

I'm afraid Dick Turpin the famous highwayman started all this off with is famous 'your money or your life' threats to wealthy coach riders.

Obviously the person behind the counter is into wearing masks in secret and blowing smoke away form gun barrels.

I'd report him to the highest authority if I were you.

Demanding cash is nothing more than monetary rape.

Just been back to the shop to reason with this guy,he became somewhat aggitated beforemaking a phone call.
Then the strangest thing happened,a small vehicular type object arrived,twas white in colour and dorned a light of the brightest blue you could imagine.
Its yellow flash down the side was of the brightest quality,(what does desk seargent mean),why do they strike me so with there towel clad hoses ?.

Oh. you mean the bobbies!!, dom yer? This is a normal get-out clause pontificated by under poilicificated metropolitan madmen with no buying power. Mark my words.

Quite frankly: it makes me bleedi* see.

Go stick a letter in an envelope and complain wildly.

Refer them to me. I might cry if they get stroppy but... I'll take that chance.

Dear Dr Sam,

my ears are ringing - what on earth could be wrong?

Answer the phone

Originally posted by Phanerothyme
Dear Dr Sam,

my ears are ringing - what on earth could be wrong?

Have the clappers removed.

Dear Dr Sam

....All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!
Oh, no
No, no
Oh no!!

wonder if that'll stir a few memories :wink:

Oh for the help of Delia!!!! :loopy:

Better refer this one to Dr. Richard Harris at his MacArthur Park consulting rooms.

Originally posted by mojoworking
Better refer this one to Dr. Richard Harris at his MacArthur Park consulting rooms.
:thumbsup:

That cake really does need bringing in before it gets sodden. I would suggest it be put in a warm place (but not directly in front of a fire, you understand) until it thoroughly dries out.

And I'd like a slice of it please when it's ready.

Dear Dr Sam,

In the words of Victor Meldrew 'I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!'.

Yet AGAIN I have failed to win millions and millions of pounds on the National Lottery and so have been forced to drag myself out of bed in order to earn a crust.

How can this sorry situation be rectified?

TIA
Nomme

Just keep buying your tickets every week and and live in hope that one day your numbers will come up, that's the only way mate.

Originally posted by nomme
Dear Dr Sam,

In the words of Victor Meldrew 'I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!'.

Yet AGAIN I have failed to win millions and millions of pounds on the National Lottery and so have been forced to drag myself out of bed in order to earn a crust.

How can this sorry situation be rectified?

TIA
Nomme

Hmm, a tricky on this. My advice to you would be to convince yourself that you have actually won the biggie and live your life accordingly. Pack work in and live the life of luxury, but without the luxury, so to speak.

Use your imagination and when you are destitute, cold, damp, hungry and miserable, convince yourself that you are living it up on some sun-drenched beach in some exotic location.

Good luck. And congratulations on you big win.

Im alas an addict :o
Addicted to the web and this blessed forum!
Is there some sort of rehab clinic for the forum obssessed to book into????? :D :P
I can feel my eyes crossing!!!!!!!!!! :wow:
Ps I wish to see some certificates as I believe you are not a true Dr :wink: xxx

I too have failed to scoop the jackpot on the lottery,Ive followed all the instructions,chose the six numbers as required.
The ticket was handed over to the nice shop keeper and my pound handed over.

Then come saturday...nothing,not a bean.

Please help,what am I doing wrong?.

How am I going to pay for the olympic size pool and extention to the house now?.

Dear Dr Sam

I am a busy city gentleman to whom time is money, and I was recently considering how I could become more efficient in my lifestyle. I have come to the conclusion that I could boost my productivity by up to a third if I stopped sleeping and stopped cooking food. Can you foresee any problems that I may encounter under this new, more efficient way of life?

Originally posted by Mosherchik
Im alas an addict :o
Addicted to the web and this blessed forum!
Is there some sort of rehab clinic for the forum obssessed to book into????? :D :P
I can feel my eyes crossing!!!!!!!!!! :wow:
Ps I wish to see some certificates as I believe you are not a true Dr :wink: xxx

A recent survey showed that 73 out of every 74 people are addicted to the internet, with almost double that amount being addicted to the Sheffield Forum.

You could try turning off your computer and sucking Polo mints in an attempt to wean yourself away from this alarming addiction. I wouldn't recommend this, though. It can become extremely addictive. A recent newspaper report tells of a person who was getting through 62 packets of Polo mints a day and took to frequenting forums as a way of getting them out of the habit.

They are now cured, but are addicted to the internet.

Is it you?

Originally posted by tango2
I too have failed to scoop the jackpot on the lottery,Ive followed all the instructions,chose the six numbers as required.
The ticket was handed over to the nice shop keeper and my pound handed over.

Then come saturday...nothing,not a bean.

Please help,what am I doing wrong?.

How am I going to pay for the olympic size pool and extention to the house now?.

Send the pool back and tell them you don't want it, then store all the water in the extension and put some fish in it. When they come round for their money, tell them they must be mistaken - you couldn't possibly have an extension - you don't have room because of the giant glass-fronted fish-pond.

Don't worry, this always works.

Originally posted by Funky Dave
Dear Dr Sam

I am a busy city gentleman to whom time is money, and I was recently considering how I could become more efficient in my lifestyle. I have come to the conclusion that I could boost my productivity by up to a third if I stopped sleeping and stopped cooking food. Can you foresee any problems that I may encounter under this new, more efficient way of life?

This may possibly contribute towards your untimely demise, but that's the only problem I can envisage.

Originally posted by Sam Miguel
A recent newspaper report tells of a person who was getting through 62 packets of Polo mints a day and took to frequenting forums as a way of getting them out of the habit.

They are now cured, but are addicted to the internet.

Is it you?
I have been known to dance for polo mints in order to fund my addiction for the mint with the hole :blush: :wink:

I strongly advise you to give up this deplorable habit.

I urge you to ring my helpline 'I'm dancing for Polo Mints to fund my addiction', on: 113783009 234567 .

I have a Jaffa cake stuck in my ear,,,please help

Oh dear. Whatever you do don't panic.

You could ring the JBH ( The Jammed Biscuit Hotline) but as there is a much controversy as to their correct classification, it might well be wasting precious time if they refuse to come out on the grounds that Jaffa Cake's are indeed cakes, and not biscuits.

The only positive advice I feel I can give you is to stick your head in the fridge so that the chocolate and marmalade don't go all gooey, and be extremely patient for possibly several years until a riske-free retrieval method has been invented.

In the meantime, many, many Happy Birthdays and Christmases.

Thanks...brrrrr,its cold in here

Dear Dr Sam.

This has been bothering me for ages. Can you help?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nomme

I get people asking me this one all the time, and I always give the same answer, which is mathematically correct.

972.3

I hope I have helped.

Originally posted by Sam Miguel
I get people asking me this one all the time, and I always give the same answer, which is mathematically correct.

972.3

I hope I have helped.

Thanks Sam.
I have done some further research into this matter and it seems that an article in the Wall Street Journal reckons that the answer is 700 pounds.
This seems to be at odds with your answer. Can you explain the descrpencey?

For those interested check out http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_083a.html
for another answer to this question, as well a an excellent answer to 'why does she sell sea shells on the sea shore?'

regards
Nomme

Dear Dr.Sam

I'm perplexed. For some reason, over the last few days, I've had, and succumbed, to the urge, of taking a shoe off in a public place, examining the nail varnish on my toes, and then tickling the sole of my foot to make me giggle. It doesn't, but I laugh and giggle anyway (I can't be seen having 'unable to tickle' fingers).
This morning however, after giggling hysterically, and calling 'stop, stop!' to myself; my hand obeyed, and stopped. But then, it went to my armpits, and started tickling me there.
How can I control this phenomenon:confused:

dear Dr.sam

I have a bruise on my left leg (just below the knee) but I don’t know where it came form…now im to paranoid to leave the house in case I get another one what should I do…….

Originally posted by nomme
[B]Thanks Sam.
I have done some further research into this matter and it seems that an article in the Wall Street Journal reckons that the answer is 700 pounds.

Yes, you are quite right, but that is the figure for woodchucks chucking wood at sea level! 972.3 pounds is the correct figure calculated at the highest point on earth, the summit of Mount Everest

The thinner helps the woodchuck chuck much more wood, therefore this is the maximum load of wood that could be chucked by a woodchuck if it chucked wood. The only problem is the woodchuck couldn't survive without oxygen and the only wood on the summit is that of the various flagpoles that are waving about up there.

But, hypothetically, that is the answer.

Originally posted by linlam
Dear Dr.Sam

I'm perplexed. For some reason, over the last few days, I've had, and succumbed, to the urge, of taking a shoe off in a public place, examining the nail varnish on my toes, and then tickling the sole of my foot to make me giggle. It doesn't, but I laugh and giggle anyway (I can't be seen having 'unable to tickle' fingers).
This morning however, after giggling hysterically, and calling 'stop, stop!' to myself; my hand obeyed, and stopped. But then, it went to my armpits, and started tickling me there.
How can I control this phenomenon:confused:

Spontaneous self-tickling syndrome (SSTS) is a fairly common condition and can be dealt with in several ways.

Amputation of the armpits and feet will instantly cure your problem, but is rather extreme, to say the least. The softer option is to have your fingers removed temporarily until the urge resides and then have them replaced when all is well.

Originally posted by Daveyboy
dear Dr.sam

I have a bruise on my left leg (just below the knee) but I don’t know where it came form…now im to paranoid to leave the house in case I get another one what should I do…….

Can you not make it look like a tatoo by applying ink to it in an artistic manner?

Knee tatoos are all the rage at present, but, alas not in this country. You need to go to The Belgian Congo where you will melt into a crowd as they all have them there.

Have a nice trip.

Originally posted by Sam Miguel
Yes, you are quite right, but that is the figure for woodchucks chucking wood at sea level! 972.3 pounds is the correct figure calculated at the highest point on earth, the summit of Mount Everest

The thinner helps the woodchuck chuck much more wood, therefore this is the maximum load of wood that could be chucked by a woodchuck if it chucked wood. The only problem is the woodchuck couldn't survive without oxygen and the only wood on the summit is that of the various flagpoles that are waving about up there.

But, hypothetically, that is the answer.
But a woodchuck can't chuck wood, so how does anyone know?

No, a woodchuck can't chuck wood, so no-one really knows.

My advice to you is to forget the whole thing and get a nice hobby to take your mind off woodchucks chucking wood, or not, whichever is the case.

Dear Dr.sam

Thank you so much for your advice its turned my entire life around you've made me realise its not bruise that counts but more the person behind the bruise, I went out side for the first time in 3 hours this afternoon all the way to the spar on the corner of division street and now that the fear has gone I may make it back to my car to drive home tonight…........again thank you Dr.sam

Think nothing of it, it was a pleasure to be of assistance.