My cousin who has just turned 18, is living with and having a relationship with a 57 year old man!

I dont know what to do!

Can anyone give me any advice, anything will be very much appreciated!

she doest know that i know about it!

Im really worried about her getting hurt!

please help me!

Kim

x

I think the guy is more likely to be the one to get hurt in this case (remember the film 'Last Tango in Paris?) - although of course we don't know all of the details in this case. Probably the best course of action would be to take no action - i.e. to let it run its course.

Originally posted by LordChaverly
I think the guy is more likely to be the one to get hurt in this case (remember the film 'Last Tango in Paris?) - although of course we don't know all of the details in this case. Probably the best course of action would be to take no action - i.e. to let it run its course.

As someone who can speak from personal experience on this subject, I wholeheartedly agree with Lord C. The more you disapprove, the more you will force them into each others arms. Just be there for support, as and when required, but leave well alone.

he has also just got out of prison, i dont know what for but what if its something serious!

She had a great life before she met him a lovely house everything going for her,

but now she living in a dinky little flat, with a job working in a bar, she can do better!

I just cant let her or maybe dont want to let her ruin her life!

You can't live her life for her.

I can understand your concern - I wouldn't be too happy either but the problem is when you tell someone their partner is no good for them that tends to make them stick with that person even more because they don't want to hear the 'I told you so'

Someone I knew married a man who her family thought was wrong for her and tried everything to discourage the relationship - she is now divorced and said to me 'I would have never married him if my parents hadn't kept going on about how wrong he was for me'

If she tells you about the relationship you can let her know you don't approve but it is her life and her decision and you will be there if she wants your help and advice. That way you are making your feelings clear but respecting her choice.

Does she have friends her own age she socialises with? If not maybe you could go out with her encourage her to live the life of an 18yr old.

Leave them be. It looks to me like you asre looking for reasons to disaprove (just my personal observation, and I can be wrong). I dont see what him having been in prison has to do with the relationship. Whatever he has done, he has obviously done his time, and can now live a normal(ish) life in society. Even Ex cons need love in their life.

Originally posted by spyro2000
Leave them be. It looks to me like you asre looking for reasons to disaprove (just my personal observation, and I can be wrong). I dont see what him having been in prison has to do with the relationship. Whatever he has done, he has obviously done his time, and can now live a normal(ish) life in society. Even Ex cons need love in their life.

Ofcourse ex cons are entitled to a love life! I don't think that is kimies' main concern - I think it's more that fact that he is 57 and she is 18 - would you be happy with your sister or daughter having a relationship with such a huge age gap!

It's alright saying let them be when it isn't your family but put yourself in kimmies' shoes.

I bet if he was a 57 year multi-millionair she wouldn't have a problem.

Originally posted by dawny1

Someone I knew married a man who her family thought was wrong for her and tried everything to discourage the relationship - she is now divorced and said to me 'I would have never married him if my parents hadn't kept going on about how wrong he was for me'


The illogical workings of the female mind. She makes a mistake and then blames the people who tried to warn her at the time! :rolleyes:

Good example though. I agree, I don't think there is anything you can do.

Originally posted by nick2
I bet if he was a 57 year multi-millionair she wouldn't have a problem.


Yes she would - I'd be fighting her for him!!! :D

Originally posted by spyro2000
Leave them be. It looks to me like you asre looking for reasons to disaprove (just my personal observation, and I can be wrong). I dont see what him having been in prison has to do with the relationship. Whatever he has done, he has obviously done his time, and can now live a normal(ish) life in society. Even Ex cons need love in their life.

I agree to a degree about the ex con & doing their time but what if he did do someone serious harm sadly people do sometimes re-offend & if he's harmed women or kids in his past then this girl could be in real danger!
Everyone needs love in their lives but nobody needs abuse

Originally posted by btbwild
I agree to a degree about the ex con & doing their time but what if he did do someone serious harm sadly people do sometimes re-offend & if he's harmed women or kids in his past then this girl could be in real danger!
Everyone needs love in their lives but nobody needs abuse

You are totally right of course. I suppose its easy for someone on the outside to say leave them be, but as otehrs have said, when it is your own, you have a different look, and yes If it was a member of my own family I more than likely would have a different opinion.

The sad thing about these situations has already been pointed out in the fact if people try to advise someone is making a mistake the more they rebel!
However it could end up with a happy ever after ending I hope for both people it does :)
How many famous people have much younger spouses & are still together (yes there is also a lot who are not)

I would say this guy is very rich nd very lucky! :clap:

Originally posted by MarkB
I would say this guy is very rich nd very lucky! :clap:

Whereas I'd say he was a dirty old man interested in one thing only (afterall, he can't have much in common with an 18 year old). I could also make an educated guess about what he was in prison for.

I'm surprised that in this day and age anybody is bothered about things like this.
The , "sexual revolution " and a free-thinking attitude towards relationships of most kinds started in the '60's . I thought it had all been sorted , as it were .
Also , I was under the impression that a , "meeting of minds " was more important these days than the physical aspects .
Maybe a lot of people are not as , 'forward thinking' as we think ?
It really does seem very old-fashioned , to me , to even mention it . After all , the girl is just as likely to come across heartache and /or trouble with a man of twenty , isn't she ?

Originally posted by Fareast
I'm surprised that in this day and age anybody is bothered about things like this.
The , "sexual revolution " and a free-thinking attitude towards relationships of most kinds started in the '60's . I thought it had all been sorted , as it were .
Also , I was under the impression that a , "meeting of minds " was more important these days than the physical aspects .
Maybe a lot of people are not as , 'forward thinking' as we think ?
It really does seem very old-fashioned , to me , to even mention it . After all , the girl is just as likely to come across heartache and /or trouble with a man of twenty , isn't she ?

But how can there be a "meeting of minds" between a 57 year old and an (only just turned) 18 year old? There's likely to be nothing in common between the 2 at all. It is much more likely to be a relationship due to either or both of (a) Entirely sexual attraction towards the girl and (b) Financial or emotional (eg. lack of father figure) dependence towards the man.

Originally posted by t020
I could also make an educated guess about what he was in prison for.

Tax evasion ?
Not paying his parking fees ?

Could also be that the girls not too good looking either and needs the attention from her friends...daredevil thingie, also an imature 18 year old would belive her friends would be jealous of her :loopy:

TO 20

Well , obviously , there are going to be differences in all sorts of ways but there are plenty of bright , mature-thinking 18 year olds around and our fair share of thick over -50's .
If age was so important in a relationship , it's strange that there are so many divorces and split-ups between people of a similar age . Maybe , "opposites " can attract . The older person is offering experience , maturity and perhaps stability , ; the younger one is offering vitality , freshness and wants to learn about life , maybe ? That's in general ; I know in this particular case the man has , apparently just come out of the slammer -------but we don't know what he went in for and in any case the prisons these days are full of the under 35 's , mainly , so we are told .If the young girl is willing to overlook a 57 year old's little ways , perhaps she's just as likely to overlook a 20 year old's too. ?
The Ancient Greeks used to highly value the relationship between an older man and , say , a youth of 18 ------not simply because of the sexual aspect but because each had something the other had not i.e. Experience vis-a -vis Youth.
That was over 2000 years ago . I thought we'd come back round to that way of thinking again . Perhaps we're really , deep down , still Puritans and Killjoys , at heart ?

The prison thing is not my main concern it is the age limit!

Like some of you have said tehir is not much in common between the two due to the age difference.

If i sit back and dont say anything, and then she gets hurt, i will feel so guilty that i have let that happen to her.

Out of all the family, i am the only one that she listens to and takes notice off, but i feel so helpless becauseof the simple fact that, im not supposed to know.

I dont know what he has been in prison for, some of the family do, and i have over heard some conversations, and by the sounds of it its not very nice!

I mean the age gap is bad enough, but if im right in what he has been in prison for then she in trouble if she dont do as she told!

I really dont know what to do!



:(

Kim

They are both over the age of consent and therefore it is a matter for the two of them.

Fareast,

i am really bothered by this thing nowadays, its my cousin i love her and im ver very worried about her!

Originally posted by slimsid2000
They are both over the age of consent and therefore it is a matter for the two of them.

Says a man waiting for a tasty 18 year old to come by;)

P.S. Its 'iMprisonment' :thumbsup:

in answer to your posts i have to say that you are quite mis-lead in your way of thinking that there is nothing in common between an 18yr old and a 57 yr old man. i dont know much about this relationship but i can say from personal experience that there is a lot more in common with 2 people of a big age gap then you might think.
some people are very mature for their age and can find more in common with older people than they can with people of their own age. there is a big misconception that people of the same age will find more in common with each other than people of different ages but this is not the case. true some people do tend to get on better with people their own age but you would be amazed at how many do not.
not all of these relationships are purely sexual/financial. some of these are just relationships that have probably grown out of friendship. i know there are some dirty old men out there but please dont tar all age gap relationships with the same brush.

what do you mean by that floyd 77?

Nothing - was referring to Slims never ending quest to find love - but thats another thread (or 10)

The 'imprisonment' was referring to the spelling in his sig.

Originally posted by kimmie
If i sit back and dont say anything, and then she gets hurt, i will feel so guilty that i have let that happen to her.





Kimmie, this is a very difficult situation for you, however, how would you feel if you intervened and drove her away? As i said earlier, just be there for her if she needs you. Sometimes, the hardest thing in life is to have to sit back, watch and do nothing.

Hmm, try dropping it into general conversation.. "so... been seeing any 57years olds latley? *cough cough*"

Once she knows you know its just a case of showing her how its a dodgy relationship without out saying she should break up with him. The more you try to push them apart the more they will try and stay together.

ughh just think.. when she is 40 he will be 79 :gag:

Its just my cousin doesnt usually go with older men, thats why i findin ti so hard to understand!

It is very unusual for her

Ok, really and truly, what is wrogn with the age gap? really?

a lot rong, have you got any sisters any female friends taht you are really close to ?????

I have indeed.

Im just wandering what the 'real' reason is that you dont agree to this relationship is.

Being honest, I wouldnt want my little sister being in the same position either.

Can you pin point what it is about the age gap in particular that you dont like?

Originally posted by spyro2000
Ok, really and truly, what is wrogn with the age gap? really?
umm like i said ughh just think.. when she is 40 he will be 79

lol fair enough. So are you saying that it would be wrong because of the image of a 79 year old? ie they will have lost their looks, while the younger partner will still have theirs?

No, im saying she will be a widow at 40-50.. and what happens when his teeth fall out and cant control his bladder anylonger. That doesnt sound like realationship of a couple. More daughter and farther

Originally posted by Craigy
No, im saying she will be a widow at 40-50.. and what happens when his teeth fall out and cant control his bladder anylonger. That doesnt sound like realationship of a couple. More daughter and farther

I know of a man who married a woman 25 years his senior. They were together for 30 years until she died. When he was asked how he felt as he saw her growing older.........he replied " I never noticed" .............that's true love.

Originally posted by Craigy
No, im saying she will be a widow at 40-50.. and what happens when his teeth fall out and cant control his bladder anylonger. That doesnt sound like realationship of a couple. More daughter and farther

Not only that, if she has a baby she'll find herself having to change two lots of nappies !

Did he have to mush her food so she could chew it without any teeth. Its a 39 year difference, not 25

Originally posted by Craigy
No, im saying she will be a widow at 40-50.. and what happens when his teeth fall out and cant control his bladder anylonger. That doesnt sound like realationship of a couple. More daughter and farther

Ive always wanted to be a stuntman. Should this mean that no woman should take me on as I am a high risk of dying because of my occupation (stupid example I know :heyhey: )

no not at all.

Do old people get saftey exipment to stop them from dieing of old age?
with a stunt man there is a chance of dieing, but being that old it is unfortunatly just a matter of time.

Originally posted by cloudybay
I know of a man who married a woman 25 years his senior. They were together for 30 years until she died. When he was asked how he felt as he saw her growing older.........he replied " I never noticed" .............that's true love.

For every "touching" tale like that there will be at least 10 tales of young women being targetted by older men, lead on and used for a year or so and then replaced by an even younger model.

Originally posted by t020
For every "touching" tale like that there will be at least 10 tales of young women being targetted by older men, lead on and used for a year or so and then replaced by an even younger model.

A lot of men do that, they don't have to be old.

Young men taget older ladies, use them then trade them in for an older model? :loopy:

Originally posted by Craigy
Young men taget older ladies, use them then trade them in for an older model? :loopy:

Errrrm no, men go out with a woman until she gets a bit too old, then they switch to a younger one, the men in question can be 25, 35, 45 or 55, it doesn't matter.

But when they start trading in for a younger model, dosnt that make them older men picking on younger women for their age?

Originally posted by t020
For every "touching" tale like that there will be at least 10 tales of young women being targetted by older men, lead on and used for a year or so and then replaced by an even younger model.

How perceptive of you t020 and i agree with you entirely. This thread seems to be turning into an age bashing issue. It is about far more than that. The relationship Kimmie is worried about has disaster written all over it, but partnerships with large age gaps can work, as i was merely trying to point out. In this case though, i somewhat doubt it.

Originally posted by cloudybay
How perceptive of you t020 and i agree with you entirely. This thread seems to be turning into an age bashing issue. It is about far more than that. The relationship Kimmie is worried about has disaster written all over it, but partnerships with large age gaps can work, as i was merely trying to point out. In this case though, i somewhat doubt it.


They only last in hollywood where money plays a big part, monies gone, young un's gone....although who cares what they do in hollywood.... Kimmies cousin has normal people worrying about her it seems.

does your cousin have any friends just like her if so please pass on my address

I dont think age really matters, surely the thing that does matter is whether the couple love eachother, age not being a concern? (I think this really applies to 18+ )

I think it's mad, however, that is a decision that she or he or the both of them have to make.

The more supportive/accepting you are of the situation, the easier it would be for her to consider in her own time that she has a couple of thoughts to bounce off you. If you alienate her, she could end up with no-one but him.

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
I dont think age really matters, surely the thing that does matter is whether the couple love eachother, age not being a concern? (I think this really applies to 18+ )

Going back to what i just said... I dont think id ever go out with anyone over.... 35 to be honest, and im 18. But thats just my opinion anyway.

Hi Kimmie, I can totally understand you being concerned for your cousin, I would be exactly the same.

But, all I can really suggest is that a) you somehow get your cousin to tell you about the relationship - if you are the one person in the family she can talk to, I wonder why she's not actually told you yet?

and b) ask her lots of questions, but don't give an opinion either way, try to remain neutral. That way, she will be more likely to talk to you about the relationship both now and in the future.

Stay close to her, try to meet her bloke, that may help ease your concerns. You really should meet him before you make your mind up about him.

With all relationships, sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't. Some relationships will run their natural course, whether that is a short time or not.

Just be there for her, make sure she knows you are there for her and you are prepared to listen to her without being judgemental. I hope everything works out, one way or another.

hi not being funny but my 18 yr old girl mate was dating a 50 yr old and she hated it because she had no life so maybe she minght feel the same way you never no

I dont think thats an age thing, i have no life and i'm 18 :mrgreen:

hmm a tricky one i think that you should stand back and just see what happens if it all goes wrong then just be there to help her through it. i personally see nothin wrong with the age gap os any age gap relationship as long as both parties are over 18 years old and are consenting to it at the end of the day the only way we learn is by messing up and how will we ever learn what not to do if we dont do it wrong once or twice sao in short my advice would be to sit back and wait and see what happens and just be ready when the time comes with the tissues and a shoulder to cry on.

thanks hels, tht has really helped me!

the reason we aint talked bout is due to family problems, big family argument, tehy moved away, we all lost contact, the only reason my nan knows is because she seen ma aunty!

Now i have heard that he is nasty, he turns very violent when hed doesnt have a drink, and he has broke a womens jaw before, so im kinda know what he is capable of now, i just dont want her to get hurt!

i tried fonin her but she aint got the same number, no-one knows where she lives, or any contact numbers of my cousin nor my aunty, so all i can do now is sit back and wait for any news!

But thnakyou to everybody who has helped me by giving advice you all have given me a lot to think about!


thankyou very much all of you!

kim

I met a 45 year old man when I was only just 18 and we are still together now, he had only just got out of prison for manslaughter and I met him on a psychiatric ward and were still together now i'm nearly 20 and he's nearly 47. I think that 57 is taking it a bit to far though I don't know if I could go out with a man who's pushing 60. I say good luck to them although a lot of people will think its wrong and they may stare in the street. My mum was furious when we first went out she was crying and everything and although I think she'd rather me go out with someone nearer to my own age she's learnt to accept it. Good luck. x

I know of a man who married a woman 25 years his senior. They were together for 30 years until she died. When he was asked how he felt as he saw her growing older.........he replied " I never noticed" .............that's true love.

That's true love indeed.

There are many couples, same age and with big age differences, who don't have half the time together that this couple had.

I've said several times - age is merely a number and you can't help who you fall in love with.

does your cousin have any friends just like her if so please pass on my address

and mine aswell we all need a bit of lovin

Oh, my God, I can't believe it ! People of different generations having a relationship ! It hardly bears thinking about. It makes the blood run cold and causes the respectable amongst us to come out in hives and rashes .

I think that that Edith Piaf started it all when she was 46 and married a man aged 26 . Disgusting . Did people do that before 1962 ? I don't think so . And Charley Chaplin was just as bad but at least he was a rich man so I can understand that to some extent.

It ought to be banned, like smoking and hunting, just to name two.

we are only here for a short time fill your boots

we are only here for a short time fill your boots


Exactly.

You're a long time dead.

thanks hels, tht has really helped me!

the reason we aint talked bout is due to family problems, big family argument, tehy moved away, we all lost contact, the only reason my nan knows is because she seen ma aunty!

Now i have heard that he is nasty, he turns very violent when hed doesnt have a drink, and he has broke a womens jaw before, so im kinda know what he is capable of now, i just dont want her to get hurt!

i tried fonin her but she aint got the same number, no-one knows where she lives, or any contact numbers of my cousin nor my aunty, so all i can do now is sit back and wait for any news!

But thnakyou to everybody who has helped me by giving advice you all have given me a lot to think about!


thankyou very much all of you!

kim
If it was a member of my family, I would be reporting her as a missing person.
You have already stated that he is violent towards women, and now, no one has any way of contacting her :suspect:

If it was a member of my family, I would be reporting her as a missing person.
You have already stated that he is violent towards women, and now, no one has any way of contacting her :suspect:

Given that this thread was started in October 2005, she's either turned up or gone for good.

I think the guy is more likely to be the one to get hurt in this case (remember the film 'Last Tango in Paris?) - although of course we don't know all of the details in this case. Probably the best course of action would be to take no action - i.e. to let it run its course.

I agree.

I am very much like Marlon brando before he got fat.

The prison thing is not my main concern it is the age limit!

Kim

Didnt know there was an age limit on LURVE