Got a text from the ex-hubby yesterday warning me his nan (eldest's greatnan) is not well and that the outlook is bleak..
My eldest is quite fond of his greatnan although he dosent see her as often as he used to, I havent mentioned this to him yet and to be honest he has never had to deal with the passing of a family member he actually knew before. And likewise for me have never had to prepare my son to take news like this before, I had an uncle pass away a few years ago and he came to light a candle with me as I was unable to attend the funeral, and I explained to him why I was doing it, but he never met said uncle so it really never botherd him too much.
I have sat for hours thinking about how to explain all this to him he knows she is poorly but fails to grasp that she is going to die. Suggestions would be greatly appriciated he is ten by the way..

Might be an idea to go and see her more often. Is illness visible ? Is she in hospital [most people get the idea that something is up when someone is in hospital with drips etc] ?

Have you not had a pet thats died ?

To be honest with it being ex family it's not really Ideal for me to take him, his father is currently abroad and I dont want to bother the ex-inlaws too much at this time. I have been waiting for them to ring me but as yet they havent..

How old is your eldest?

In general, I think it's best to be honest with kids about suff. At least he'll have time to prepare before his nan passes away. Good luck.

Kids seem to take it well surprisingly, My Nan died in march, and she had been ill for a while, I had explained to my son (8) that she was ill, and explained that she may die he had a few questions, which I answered. but then I left it there.
when she died suddenly I told hiim that she had died in hospital but she wasn't in pain.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, kids tend to ask really strange questions, and no one can prepare you for what they will ask, just take it in your stride.

My son was very close to his gran, as we lived next door to her for the first 5 years of his life, he doesn't speak about it much now, but when he does I am honest and answer him the best I can.

I'm sure at this age they still don't fully understand what it means to die.

Good luck

can I just say that the smiley that has appeared in this post has nothing to do with me what so ever, just came back to edit it oout and it's not there!

Yes nick we have and he was inconsolable for weeks (it was a runt in the litter of kittens my cat had) my son does have some disabilitys and news like this upsets him more than most children. He is increadably Sensitive

Originally posted by honeyplanet
Yes nick we have and he was inconsolable for weeks (it was a runt in the litter of kittens my cat had) my son does have some disabilitys and news like this upsets him more than most children.

But he at least has some idea then, so it's not a completely new idea to grasp, just a much larger scale unfortunately.

I have to admit this is something that always concerns me too. It is difficult to explain and even harder to deal with. I was a fairly sensitive kid and I was glad my parents never tip toed around the issue, but they also handled the issue with a certain sadness that told me it was OK to be upset. It was strange as being a young lad, I got the upset side from my mum but while my dad was also sad, he also taught me to deal with it my own way, which for many males is to think about it themselves.

I wouldn't worry if when you do explain he does react in odd ways or even in ways you may consider unfeeling. He isn't being he's just thinking about it internally. This is a process all have to go through and many without any kind of support like the kind you will give. We have to learn about it and find our own way to cope. As for understanding it, children are actually more astute than we give them credit for and can make some startling acceptances.

Not sure what else to say, other than he's lucky to have such a concerned parent and that I can promise he'll come through this as a better person, but that doesn't mean he has to be OK about such a loss, no-one should.

I've re-read this and I don't know if it helpful or not but I'll post it in case it is.

Wilf

You might find that the BBC website helps:

www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/

Do you have any ideas what the plans might be, eg burial or cremation?

Think of burial as planting the seeds of souls.

my gran died when I was about 10. I never got to go to the funeral as they thought I was too young. Whilst I didn't really like her that much and she was very off with me at the end I wish I would have had the opportunity to go. As someone who has llost a lot of relatives when I was pretty young I am glad I got to go to most of the funerals. Not for me but to support my parents.

Originally posted by honeyplanet
Got a text from the ex-hubby yesterday warning me his nan (eldest's greatnan) is not well and that the outlook is bleak..
My eldest is quite fond of his greatnan although he dosent see her as often as he used to, I havent mentioned this to him yet and to be honest he has never had to deal with the passing of a family member he actually knew before. And likewise for me have never had to prepare my son to take news like this before, I had an uncle pass away a few years ago and he came to light a candle with me as I was unable to attend the funeral, and I explained to him why I was doing it, but he never met said uncle so it really never botherd him too much.
I have sat for hours thinking about how to explain all this to him he knows she is poorly but fails to grasp that she is going to die. Suggestions would be greatly appriciated he is ten by the way..

Sweetie I read all this with a tear in my eye!
For what its worth my son spent every weekend & school hols with my mum (cos I was a working mum)
He always knew mum was not quite as healthy as most people he knew from a very early age!
One thing that always worried me was how would I handle telling him we knew the next heart attact would be the last! The night I got the call my son was 12 I was devestated (more than even I thought I would b) I fell apart on the phone my son came up arms open & said its nannan shes dead isnt she! How do u answer I couldn't so he put his arms around me & said dont cry im here mum nannans not in pain anymore think of it that way! I was so shocked all I could do was hold him!
The point being kids supprise u every day they handle things with so much more logic even if they dont really understand the horror u feel! I know this is different because its in-laws (outlaws if things r strained anyway ;) the truth is there is no right or wrong way to approach this kind of situation but kids DO handle things better than us adults give them credit 4 :)
Take yr son to see her it does not matter about what inlaws (outlaws) think your child is family he has a right to see his great nan regardless of what everyone else thinks :thumbsup:
Hope this helps take a step at a time m8 :thumbsup:

i was told about dying at an early age and it played on my mind for years. because of this i've always thought it better to say that someone goes to heaven. this is no more or less honest than saying anything else, given that parents do not know what happens after death any more than anyone else.

Originally posted by pete_fcs
i was told about dying at an early age and it played on my mind for years. because of this i've always thought it better to say that someone goes to heaven. this is no more or less honest than saying anything else, given that parents do not know what happens after death any more than anyone else.

good point in some respects :thumbsup:

I can only recount what has happened to me recently.

I am 40, my brother 38. He has two kids, 13 and 9. I had, until recently, none.

He didn't really let my mum, their Nana, see them much. Pressure from his partner. Then my wife fell pregnant. We were building a granny flat for mum, and she would have full access to our child. She was looking forward to it so much.

Then, a month before our child was born, she was killed on holiday.

Things have changed since then.

People in our family have realised that you should live for the moment. My brother is devested by the fact that his kids didn't see their nan. The kids realise they should have seen her more.

But it's too late now.

Their nan may die. But please get them to see her.

Live for the moment

Thanks for all your replys, I let him call the Ex in-laws on the phone last night, the ex in-laws seemed to be a little distracted as you would expect, they are in the middle of arranging for her to be moved from the home to the hospital.I would like to think that they would take him to see his great nan soon, but as yet they have made no offers...I think he is more aware about whats happening now, but he has not said a word.. I can see his little brain doing ten to the dozen. I suppose all I can do now is be there for him..

Originally posted by honeyplanet
Thanks for all your replys, I let him call the Ex in-laws on the phone last night, the ex in-laws seemed to be a little distracted as you would expect, they are in the middle of arranging for her to be moved from the home to the hospital.I would like to think that they would take him to see his great nan soon, but as yet they have made no offers...I think he is more aware about whats happening now, but he has not said a word.. I can see his little brain doing ten to the dozen. I suppose all I can do now is be there for him..

Honey The only only person who should say yes or no to yr son seeing his great nan is u it does not matter what the inlaws (outlaws) want! think of yr son honey ask if he wants to c her from what u have said so far I get the impression he is old enogh to know what he wants :)
U said he has an idea & u can c hes thinking about it so let him show u what he wants however if his great nan dies DONT let him c her then cos thats the last memory he will have (I made that mistake with my son :(
My heart goes out to u honey xxxx

I agree with other comments on this Honey. Things may be difficult for you with your ex in-laws but I'm sure they would appreciate it if you called to offer your support. I think if I were in your position, I would let them know that you would like your son to go to see his great-gran and tell them when you intend to go. That way, they may offer to take him or they can make sure they are not there on that day/at that time if they want to avoid seeing you.

I remember going to see my paternal grandmother in hospital just before she died, I think I was about 9. I'm glad I had the opportunity to see her. My parents were always quite open and honest about death, but they both worked in the medical profession and saw more than their fair share, so maybe it wasn't a taboo subject.

When I tried to explain why people die to my daughter when she was young, I told her people are like flowers, we grow, bloom and then eventually die, we (like flowers) die in order to make way for new flowers (people).