Although Ive loved my previous partners a lot, I have always been unfaithful.
So for 5 years Ive stopped myself from dating so I cant do that to another person I love ever again.
This is a lonely way to go and I wondered if you guys had any answers.

Have you tried not sleeping with other women? It might help...

I think five years of self-abuse is penance enough for your crimes.

This is a bit deep for Thursday Morning
Sorry to simplify things but to me it seems you have 3 options

1. Dont go into long term relationships, just have casual relationships as and when you feel like it.
2. If you do go into a long term relationship, stick with it and dont mess around.
3. Stay celibate as you are.


:thumbsup:

It's that classic tale of the little head telling the big head what to do again. The condition is aggrivated by drink so try cutting back when you're out. Alternatively try smearing your body with fish paste before going out. The smell is normally undetectable except at very close range making it near impossible to pull.

good luck! ;)

I'm glad someone has posted a topic of this nature.

I'd like to ask, will men always be unfaithful? This is not a dig at men by any means by the way.

BUT every single man I know has cheated, including my own sadly but thats a different story.

After talking about the issue with my boyfirend and other male friends it seems to me that they are all decided that men just do it. There's no deep and meaningful reason for it they just do it even if it means threatening a relationship with somone they are really in love with. I can honestly say I know of no man who has been faithful to his girlfriend or wife. It's quite scarey really.

Do you think we are stupid to believe that we can be with one person totally for the rest of our lives? Is it nature to want to "spread your oats"? or is it just that men are selfish pigs who think they can get away with it because they can justify it by saying things like "boys will be boys" "we think with our dumbsticks, it's not our fault" etc etc??

Answers on a postcard please!

Originally posted by steelblade
I can honestly say I know of no man who has been faithful to his girlfriend or wife. It's quite scarey really.


You do now, sort of. I can honestly say I have never cheated/been unfaithful, and intend to stay that way.

i have never cheated on any one either... perhaps i just have not had the oportunity!!! single again now so not chance at the moment.... ex girfriend cheated on me tho.. bitch.:mad:

Have you had long term relationships Hodge?

I had been with my boyfriend 7 years when he drunkenly snogged another girl. He had never previously been unfaithful.

Hmmmmm well genetically studies have shown that a natural in built mechanism for human males is to spread their 'oats' so to speak with many partners.
This is something that all men (faithfull or not) have built in.

However saying that, socially this is a mechanism that can be overcome by just not taking that road.
In this day and age each man should be able to know what's right and whats wrong, however sometimes the natural urges overcome what your brain says is the wrong road.

I'm not laying it as an excuse, but there is a reason for it if it happens. However I can say not all guys cheat!

My brother p***es me off. His girlfriend is currently living in France, but their relationship is still official. He goes over to see her from time to time. Whenever he goes out with male friends I always here tales of my brother getting off with some girl etc. When I remind him he has a girlfriend, he comes back with the excuse that she's nearly 1000 miles away and hasn't seen her for months.

If I had a girlfriend I wouldn't play around behind her back no matter how far away she was. Maybe that's just me though. I get the impression that girls are not often attracted to men with that philosophy.

Sidla does he use the old "We're not in the same georgraphical area so it's not cheating" philosophy? :)

Originally posted by steelblade
Have you had long term relationships Hodge?

I had been with my boyfriend 7 years when he drunkenly snogged another girl. He had never previously been unfaithful.

I think your definition of unfaithful may be at odds with other posters' definitions. After 23 years of marriage I can honestly say that I have been faithful. Snogging now, that's a different issue, imo.

Originally posted by steelblade
Sidla does he use the old "We're not in the same georgraphical area so it's not cheating" philosophy? :)
Probably. :rolleyes:

Really Max?

As weird as this may sound, snogging is on the same level as sex to me. Kissing someone else is a very intimate thing, It has hurt me just as bad as it would have if he'd slept with the girl. The fact that I actually caught him in the act may be biasing my view I'm not sure.

I just don't think it is normal for a man and woman to be faithful to each other all their lives.

I'm starting to think the same micksheff but It's really upsetting me.

I'm starting to wonder if I should get out of this relationship game and stay single, spare myself the heartache and disappointment of realising that no matter what you do you are never 100% enough to keep your partner from straying. It's sooo depressing.

Originally posted by steelblade
no matter what you do you are never 100% enough to keep your partner from straying.

It sounds like you're blaming yourself for failed relationships steelblade. Make no mistake about it, it's not your fault if other people cannot make and keep commitments. Believe in yourself that you are 100% enough and just keep looking for someone who is 100% good enough for you.

Originally posted by rain
Although Ive loved my previous partners a lot, I have always been unfaithful.
So for 5 years Ive stopped myself from dating so I cant do that to another person I love ever again.
This is a lonely way to go and I wondered if you guys had any answers.

rain ... you don't say if you're a boy or a girl?

well done ... for being honest and having the courage to talk about this ...

i don't think it's written in stone that you have to be faithful to people / have monogomous relationships.

it's probably a good idea to be honest about what you're up to ... and not do things in secrecy / behind their back.

whatever you do ... always be loving and kind to yourself ... and true to yourself (no worrying or feeling guilty).

OK, I'm going off the original thread a little but this made me think of a situation I know of:

I have a male friend who repeatedly cheats on his girlfriends. He's currently in a relationship and I think they've been together for over 3 years or something. He goes out with a big group of mates and when his girlfriend isn't out he may pull someone else. However, the girlfriend does go out with this group (and male friend behaves himself).

Maybe this is petty and unimportant but none of the other guys/girls in the group ever tell the girlfriend that her bloke is sleeping around and that she'd be better off without him. (To be honest I'm surprised she doesn't know already). When they all go out together they act like everything's normal.

The guy waits until he's caught and for the girlfriend to dump him. He went as far as buying a house with his previous girlfriend until she found out (I don't know how, maybe one of the group told her?).

So I'm wondering what's stopping anyone saying anything to these unfortunate girlfriends? Losing the friendship of the guy? It's none of their business so they keep out of it?

I considered telling his previous girlfriend myself. I felt sorry for her, she was being humilated and had no idea. However, I didn't know her that well so I wondered whether she'd actually believe me. And would I feel guilty if they broke up? Maybe I'm answering my own question here!

A female friend of mine was cheated on by a previous boyfriend (for several years) and her best friend (not me, in case anyone was wondering!) found out. She never told her (she didn't want to be the one to break the horrible news) and my friend since found out another way. But my friend has said that she wished her female friend had told her so she would have dumped the guy sooner and not wasted anymore years on him. Hmm, tricky situation.

So guys, if you know a male friend/relation is cheating on his partner and you know and go out with the partner from time to time, do you ever consider telling the partner?

And ladies, if you know a female friend/relation is cheating would you tell their partner?

Or would you just rather keep out of it because it's "none of your business"?!

I've not been in that situation, but if I was I'm fairly sure I wouldn't tell the girlfriend that her partner was cheating. The reasons are that a) it's none of my business and b) I would lose friendship with a good friend because I grassed him up.

I can't really comment on how to avoid doing it, if you find you cheat on partners a lot but I do find it more than a little interesting about the idea that guys are the main culprits....

I have a LOT of female friends and the incidence of infidelity amongst them is pretty much comparable... They've just been a lot more successful at hiding or controlling the outcome than the guys... This is certainly not a guy only thing by any stretch of the imagination... Don't believe the hype...


Any relationship takes work, trust and more work.. it helps if you really like the person in question though.. the rest is down to will power.

Good points martin. In 4 couples I know whose relationships have broken down it was the female partner who initiated the breakdown. In each of the 4 it was subsequently discovered that they had all cheated on their husbands. Perhaps I only know men who cannot keep thier partners interested but I doubt it.

My Ex (long term) cheated on me with someone at work (I didn't cheat). So that ended our relationship.

I know a girl where I used to work who was regularly cheating on her bloke. She loves her bloke, but he doesn't do 'it' for her in the bedroom so to speak!

So it does work both ways!

I think people who are unfaithful do it because they are not sufficiently happy and fulfilled with their existing partner.

If you really love someone and have a close and intimate relationship with them (intimate as in exchanging secrets and sharing closely) then you dont even notice anyone else in a sexual way.

If your relationship however is pleasant but a little dull and you dont talk much, you dont share with each other and it isnt really fulfilling then you are very much more likely to stray

Boredom is probably the most powerful factor

(I dont count drunken snogs, especially if it was a one-off. Not unless they then start exchanging texts and emails and stuff when sober....)

Ok then another question.

Do you think it's possible to get over the cheating and make the relationship work?

I know some of you have said you don't class a drunken snog as cheating, unfortunatly I do and having witnessed the act it hurts beyond believe, but we have been together through thick and think for 7 years. I don't want to give up and throw it all away but how I can even trust him again I just don't know.

Some people tell me to move on and forget it him because he'll only end up making me look stupid again while others think that it can be worked out, what do you think?

Originally posted by steelblade
Ok then another question.

Do you think it's possible to get over the cheating and make the relationship work?
It depends on both of you...

The issue is one of trust... If you both work to forgive and regain that trust without setting massive boundaries/walls around a relationship then it might work...

Personally, I'd find it very hard depending on the why's and whererfor's of what had happened.. Sometimes it's a cry for attention that means literally nothing.. or a massive mistake.. other times it may be just a sign that it's all dead and buried..

At the end of the day though... if there's no trust, it's probably best to quit and move on... not that that's ever a simple proposition.

Best of luck in your decision...

steelblade ... at the end of the day ... you have to respect yourself more than you do anyone esle ... no matter how much you feel for them.

it's not always easy to konw when something is over at it's time to let go and move on ... only you can answer that question.

Steelblade

You are in a crap situation and one that is NOT of your own making

You dont want to throw away seven years with someone you trusted and who you love, all those shared memories

but you dont want to be torn up and hurt and to keep on remembering the disloyalty either

You wouldnt have to of course, if he had behaved himself.

However, the situation is now in existence and you have to make some decisions

There are only two choices and only you can make the decision

1. You forgive and more importantly you FORGET so that you arent tortured any more and you dont have to keep going through his pockets and reading his texts and all that - which makes you feel crap and believe me that is not where you want to be.

or

2. You know you cant forgive and forget and you fear you WILL do the checking up stuff, in which case you have to finish with him.

Figures show that most long-term partners in your situation take a chance on staying together. What I dont know unfortunately is whether it gets back to being good again in time.

So that is my advice, if you are a forgetter then keep him, if your nature is to bear grudges or dwell on past hurts, then he will have to go - and it wont ever have been your fault - and you will get over it eventually

Originally posted by DaBouncer
I know a girl where I used to work who was regularly cheating on her bloke. She loves her bloke, but he doesn't do 'it' for her in the bedroom so to speak!

So it does work both ways!
I agree. I realise the scenarios I listed above were guys that were cheating. I also have a female friend who had several boyfriends and cheated on all of them. Now she's married and has been strictly faithful which surprised us all!

Question: Why does a man climb a mountain ?

Answer: Because its there

as simple as that

I think it's true that women are more secretive about cheating, which is why people assume that blokes do it more. We're not all insensitive pigs, and I've seen some real guilt trips from some of my friends who've got it on with lasses while under the influence of booze. In contrast, the way women seem to be able to sweep an affair under the carpet and move on as though it never happened is nothing short of amazing. One girl I know (a very attractive lass) seems to have a habit of trying to pull men in long term relationships, almost as though it's a game. Once she's bored of them, she ditches them and leaves them to pick up the pieces (I have some lovely friends don't I?!). I can't imagine how callous you'd have to be to do that.

Originally posted by tango2
Question: Why does a man climb a mountain ?

Answer: Because its there

as simple as that

Could you explain that to me please, as I have never understood it? It seems to be a reason thought up in haste that doesn't mean anything, but perhaps I am missing the point.

sorry its just a man thing.

I think men dont have a valid reason for being unfaithful,they just do it without even thinking.
A chance will manifest itself the switch is flicked and away they go without any thought at all.

It's a bad analogy because by climbing a mountain you can only hurt yourself, it doesn't hurt other people.

To be fair, i've hit the point where i've just lost faith in people really. I know there are people that don't cheat, but the vast majority that i know, do. I think it's just a fact of life.
I think now that i would consider any relationship that i may be in, casual for a long time until i trust the person enough to consider it something more serious

Is monogamy the ideal way to conduct relationships?

It's always touted as one of the holy grails of a relationship, but why is this? Isn't it just some Christian ideal?

In answer to the original question as asked in the title of this thread - because you havent yet found someone who you truly find very attractive AND love AND have a deep frienship with.

Mike - yes, why not if youve found someone who fulfills the above catagories why would you want to be anything but monogomous in a relationship?

KittyKat that's what I don't get.

My "boyfriend" says he loves me more than anything, that I give him everything he wants and needs but he has still broken my heart by snogging someone else, that he doesn't even fancy!

I have just lost faith in this thing called "love". I'm starting to think it's a load of b@lls and I'd be better off telling him where to go and not entering into anymore relationships.

Someone said they have a friend who regularly tries to pull men in long term relationships. Well the girl who went with my bf has done this before to another friend who was in an 8 year relationship. It stinks, you'd think she would have learnt her lesson last time but I suppose some people are far too selfish to realise they are ruing (innocent) people's lives.

She has gone back to her normal life now, my boyfriend will be just fine, however as for me I'm totally confused, gutted and heart broken, and I'm the innocent party!!! It's infuriating.

It felt the worst to me when a previous partner took a "shag" to the theatre. The idea that they were having sex didnt bother me; its was like all our intimacy had been betrayed.

I know what you mean rain. It isn't exactly the fact he has snogged someone else and the rest that has bothered me so much. It's more the fact that he actually wanted someone else, enjoyed someone else touching him etc..was turned on by someone else and shared some kind of intimacy with someone else with no thought for me whatsoever.

I feel so stupid. I feel like they have taken the mick out of me and had a good laugh at me, although my head does tell me this probably isn't the case, it's hard not to think it. I can't stop feeling angry that he has been such an idiot to throw away 7 years for some quick fumble with a known slapper who he doesn't even like.

This may sound weird and most people think I'm mad for saying this but I could sort of accept it more had there been a point to their liason. If they liked eachother and wanted to be together then it wouldn't be 7 years down the pan for nothing, as it stands their quick fuble was pointless, they've turned my life upside down for absolutly no reason whatsoever, apart from a quick turn on and ego boost for the pair of them. It's soooooo annoying.

Originally posted by kittykat
Mike - yes, why not if youve found someone who fulfills the above catagories why would you want to be anything but monogomous in a relationship?

Just asking really. I think that often the problem is even if people are in a "perfect" relationship, over a long time the grass gets greener over that fence.

Originally posted by steelblade
I feel so stupid. I feel like they have taken the mick out of me and had a good laugh at me, although my head does tell me this probably isn't the case, it's hard not to think it. I can't stop feeling angry that he has been such an idiot to throw away 7 years for some quick fumble with a known slapper who he doesn't even like.
When this sort of thing happens it's a killer - it can just completely do your head in and can be really painful. You probably feel stupid because you've laid yourself open to somebody emotionally and they've just trampled over your feelings so the natural thing is to withdraw and feel daft for ever doing it in the first place.
Problem is, as Belle has said above, you only really have two choices, and that is to forget about it, or get out of there.
I'm not trying to belittle how you feel but with seven years under your belts, and if you're still happy together, then you should be able to put a drunken snog behind you. If he'd been having an affair for the past six months or something, then I'd say differently.

I know what you mean Mike, to some people a drunken snog is nothing but the details aren't as clear cut. It happened in my house with someone I classed as a friend, albeit not a close one but a friend all the same.

How they could have sat in my living room with all my things surrounding them and still do that to me is beyond belief.

Some days I think yes I can forgive him then other days I think, my house you bar stewards!! how much can you take the ****.

argghhhh I'm sure I'll get over it, whatever option I choose.

I have already decided no matter which path I chose I am going to get my own life, start going out more with my own friends not mutual ones, I'm going to buy myself a car, get fit, get a tan :) and just generally make it so that if things do go belly up a few weeks or months down the line I will have my independance to make it on my own.

Originally posted by steelblade
I have already decided no matter which path I chose I am going to get my own life ... going to buy myself a car, get fit, get a tan ...

That's the way. Then, whatever path you chose, you'll be able to look back at that snog in a positive light and say 'look at me now, all thanks to that snog'.:thumbsup:

I was just going to say the same thing. Even if you stay together then it's a good thing to feel good about yourself and to have your own independance.

Being faithfull to my ex-wife all the time we were together, it was never a problem for me! but for her to be the same to me, now that was! as she was **** happy and anything in trousers would do, men, (plural) money, booze, fags, pubs, nightclubs, miniskirts, sex, were her only interests.

So, infidelity says more about the person concerned than about the act itself, that person is not to be trusted in any way, in friendship, the workplace, business, family, lending money, with your life in a dangerous situation, in confidence, in fact you dare not turn your back on such a person at all, ever, and they should be sent to Coventry.

i think women and men are just as bad as each other but i do think it only happens when things in the relationship are lacking and insted of talking about the problems etc. people think it would be easier just to get someone else to do what the boy/girl friend is not doing

I already wrote this, but it doesnt seem to have worked so here I go again... and sorry if Im repeating myself.

Firstly, it is heartbreakingly beautiful for me to discover that so many other people have been struggling with these issues. It makes me feel less alone.

I am interested in this last idea that those who are unfaithful are untrustworthy in all areas of their life. On the one hand it seems harsh and extreme (I consider myself above average in the ways that I am loyal and trustworthy to family and friends), but on the other hand the constant chattering of my 'inner voice' that is the filter between me and the rest of the world tends to be predominately malicious: "I dont like that fat person"; "I want to hurt the bitch for doing that to me"; "Im a pathetic worm"; "what a stupid tie, thicko!"; "youre such a common little person for having a tattoo"; what an ares whole of a guy for having a pony tail"; etc. So, yes, the part of me that is spoken for by my 'inner voice' is thoroughly nasty. However, I do have a consciousness which intelligently tries to balance out the maliciousness in order to feel I am right in my dealings with the world. It was this part of me that decided I had to stop going into relationships once and for all if I was not going to be faithful.

But even if I am fundamentally malicious - and there appear to be an awful lot out there like me - how can I make the best of my life? It seems from many of these replies that so many people are affected by the problems of human infidelities. If it is such a widespread problem the can I not in some way think of it as 'what Ive got to work with'? Isnt there another way for me to go? It seems to me that when people enter into relationship and choose to 'draw a line in the sand' about the rules of their relationship, that they are simultaneously setting up a self-destruct when things go wrong. Conversely, if they refrain from drawing a 'line in the sand', are they doomed to an existence of insecurity? When I have been unfaithful (cue cliche) it meant nothing to me; if ever my partners were unfaithful I felt torn apart. Why could I expect them to be faithful but think it didnt matter if I was... but I DID think just that.
However, loyalty and fidelity are NOT the same thing.
Of my casual partners, Id guess that about one in every three confesses to me afterwards that they are already in a relationship. So thats a lot of people out there who are tearing at the lives of the very people they feel they love. The monogamous people I know seem so much more self relient and calm (and smug too!) that I always want to be them. But those same people are never what I would describe as high-testosterone, alpha males (or female equivalent).
Its fashionable in our age to talk about freedom of choice and individual responsiblity. Drunkeness is no longer a valid excuse for misdemeanours. So is being under the grip of ones hormones an acceptable explanation, or is it just another feeble excuse for unacceptable behaviour? I guess that many would agree with the latter, but try telling it to a woman in the throws of PMT and they might not treat you as being quite so righteous.
But if my infidelity is part of the package of predispositions that Ive got to work with' when embarking on human relationships, why is it that in the very deepest part of the thing I call my heart...why to I just repeat the same yearing thought over and over throughout my life...why do I forever yearn for true and everlasting love?
What can you do...

Wow

So many questions, so little time

Do you want the nice answer or the nasty answer?

You do sound like a right B-word. If that really is the little voice inside your head then you are not a nice person to know, as you have acknowledged. I would imagine that you probably dont rate loyalty to someone else above your own self-gratification and desire, which is probably the answer to why you are unfaithful. You havent learnt yet to put others first, this is what you have to do in order to be loyal, loving and faithful.

I hope you continue to keep away from relationships for as long as you still feel this bitterness inside all the time.

I could tell you to spend some time getting close to Jesus but you will probably think that is barmy and will ignore it.

More practically, I dont know how old you are, it might be that you become more mellow in time and learn to love other people more than yourself.

But basically you wont be faithful to anyone unless you can put them first. So if you feel you cant do that, it is great that you are being decent enough to keep out of relationships

As someone with the opposite problem of putting others before myself most of the time the answer is a relatively simple statement...

"Find a balance"...

It's true of everything in life and bloody hard to do... but it requires effort, time and is full of the wonderful curve balls that life throws..

But at the end of the day "argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours"... If you insist on being unfaithful you will continue to be..

Time to take responsibility for your actions, life and your happiness.

Belle... Im a born again Christian! I do hate it when people try to put spiritual guilt on me...its so bigoted of them. It will be a sad day for Jesus when Christians run around judging others all the time... shock horror - Heaven forbid!

So everyone, what sugar-candy comments does your inner voice chatter to you? Peace and love? Everyone is equal? That last comment makes me feel bitter, because I put out something intimate about myself that bothers me and was immediately judged sentenced and put away. As with my first question - 'why am I unfaithful?' My problem is not so much the 'truth' of right or wrong, but why am I this way and what can I do. I put out information about myself asking for helpful suggestions and I got back a nasty judgement.

It wasnt meant to be a nasty judgement

It was meant to be an honest and helpful answer and I was using your words not my own.

I have never before heard anyone admit to being so nasty in their head, especially not someone who purports to be a Christian.

Perhaps if you are a newly arrived born again Christian you just need more time to learn how to love your neighbours, then you will not be nasty in your head and you will learn fidelity.

I was making no attempt at putting spiritual guilt on you, I meant exactly what I said, that in my view, you would learn about love from Jesus.

(And we dont need an anti-religious gripe now from anyone, that was a perfectly genuine response from a believer)

I dont think you will find any takers to agree with you that I made a nasty judgement.

Originally posted by rain
but why am I this way and what can I do. I put out information about myself asking for helpful suggestions and I got back a nasty judgement.
There's a lot of truth in the expression "Don't ask a question if you don't want to know the answer"

As I've already noted, what you can do is accept responsibility for your own life and actions and do your best... You can't ask any more of yourself than that..

Best of luck..

and Im not sure where we got this idea that I always put myself before others. As I said, my inner voice will invariably make selfish suggestions, but my mind over-rules them. I invariably do put others first at whatever cost - half the time people tell me I have to look after myself more- but it is my unfaithfulness that is the issue I wanted to address really, and thats not my whole life. Even if sometimes it seems like sexuality surrounds us completely - as ever present and invisible as water is for fish.

I guess Ill just carry on staying celibate then

isnt stopping myself from hurting partners taking responsiblity? I dont understand that.

and if we're all so responsible for our own actions why is it that were so easily influenced all the time. why do people bother advertising for example.
Taking responsiblity for ones actions is a useful way to live with integrity. But that does not mean that its logical.
Its like the equality argument : "We are all unique; each with special unquantifiable qualities: therefore we must be equal". Its nice because it helps us all feel secure about ourselves, but bears no place in rational thought.
It is important to convince everyone of the theory of personal responsiblity because it gives us discipline and helps us feel were doing the right thing. But logically its a suspect argument.

and Belle you called me a "B-word" (ooh, so scary!) and not a nice person to know.
How can you say you werent being judgemental? You dont know me..... so you can have no idea about how nice I am to know.

Personally I think this thread has gone on long enough...

I hear so many conflicting arguements in this post that I'm completely bamboozled..

One thing I'm certainly not suggesting though is that there's some arguement for "the devil made me do it".

B*llox... you take responsiblity for your own self control, denial of temptation and all that jazz... we teach kids this as they grow up.. or we try to...

The whole thing has become a whole lot bigger and more personal than it should have done though...

That's all I'm saying on this from here on in... Back to my tax return :P

I subscribe to the personal-responsiblity-for-ones-own-choices theory, but I dont accept that it it is watertight as it does not take into account the ability of events, circumstances, genetics and other individuals persuasiveness or intervention to influence choice. Nor does it take into account that some individuals are more easily influenced than others.

The ability to be able to see irony in a given situation does not in itself make one right. However, it did seem ironic to me that someone who criticised the nature of my automatic thoughts/inner voice, was unable to notice when their own inner voice told them that I was 'not a nice person to know', and put that thought out unquestioningly. It seems to me that an individual who is unable to recognise the influence of their own automatic thoughts is more questionable that someone who hears their automatic thoughts clearly and struggles against them. Preachy me.

This whole discussion has given me a great feeling of happiness and relief. I previously thought that wanting true everlasting love and expecting partners to be faithful while I am not was an unreconcilable conflict. However, it was only an *unreconcilable* conlict because I choose to make it unreconcilable. If nothing else, all these peoples experiences have made me realise that there are an awful lot of men and women out there who's actions demonstrate that they share the same conflict that I have felt. With a strong level of communication it should be perfectly possible to find compatiblity with a like-minded person to myself. Two people who are both able to admit to each other that they want true love, fidelity and their own freedom to be unfaithful, will be able to understand each other perfectly, and embrace the conflict as something that empowers their relationship.

Now all I have to do is work out how to find such a partner without putting them off by being so frank about it. Tricky... but not impossible I imagine.

Thanks for the input and for saving me so much money on those expensive private counsellors.
Suggestions on a postcard, please.

It's times like this I feel glad that I'm single.

Actually, I find Rain's posts admirably honest - many of us struggle with fidelity, I certainly do, but how many of us are brave enough to forgo any committed relationships because of this struggle?

Rain i wouldnt worry about your inner voice - mine says FAR FAR worse than yours does! I thought everyones did! Maybe not - Im getting worried now - actually im a bit relieved that not everyones does as i wouldnt like people thinking such things about me. I wont be as brutally honest as you and let you know what mine says cos its nasty but it doesnt matter cos my rational half knows i wouldnt actually do anything about the thoughts and no-one would ever know about them and theyre just me being silly.

Freudian theory behind your behaviour if youre interested:

We all have 3 behavioural componants - our desires and needs, our morals and respect for others and our ability to balance out the 2. He would say in your case the thing that balances out the 2 isnt properly developed but it may develop over time. Some say it develops during childhood and some say throughout your life til you die and is influenced by all sorts of experiences and knowledge. I hope the latter does occur because if it does there is hope for you.

yes that is interesting.

thanks also for the kinder words as I was worrying I was the only one myself a minute there.

Great minds think alike Kittykat! I wrote a post about the Id, Ego and Superego at about the same time you did, but mine crashed.

Rain, don't worry about the little nasty thoughts and feelings of wanting to be unfaithful. The human being is born utterly selfish (eg: a baby doesn't care about who is feeding it, so long as it's being fed), all the positive traits of empathy, understanding and selflessness are developed later, and throughout life. Being self centred is a survival trait. You'll always have the "demons"; the trick is to be aware of them, know that you can control them, and just as importantly, be comfortable with them, because they'll always be there to some extent.

Ditto on the nasty inner thoughts issue and also ditto on not acting on them. I have no idea why or where they come from, repressed anger from my past when I was bullied for 7 years in school perhaps, but I would never act upon any of these thoughts because as Rain said, these are just random thoughts and your sense of integrity would prevent you from saying/doing anything to hurt someone else with these thoughts in mind.

I wouldn't worry about thinking nasty thoughts, I'm sure it happens to everyone. It's people who act on bad thoughts who are the bad people. As long as you have a concience you should be able to keep on the straight and narrow.

just to back up what a lot of others have said. I'm exactly the same when it comes to nasty thoughts. Some are just plain evil, but I know i can and do control them. As long as they are just thoughts and not actions, they're harmless. Again it's nice to see that we're not as different from each other as we often think.