My Granddad has just died and i can't take it it all in..i'm like a zombie feeling so numb :( i must be down i can't even have a banter with the locals on here :(

Sorry to hear your news - try lighting a candle (http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/enter.cfm) it's good for the soul.

:)

I lost my mum when I was 12 my brother 13 years ago and my dad 12 years ago. You do cope. The hardest was my mum though. I found it very hard. My father went into deep depression and I had to look after my younger sister so I had to grow up fast. I still think about them all and wished they were here to share my life. Remember your grandad and smile. :)

Hi Jon,

It's inevitable that you'll feel shocked, especially if you were particularly close to him.

I lost my grandparents when I was very young, and the first close relative I lost was an aunt when I was about 11 years old. To this day, after 33 years, I can still remember that it was a Saturday, what was on TV when my mum told me that my aunt had died, and how scared and upset I was the following day. I was so scared of dying myself for weeks afterwards.

When I was in my early twenties I lost another aunt who'd been like a second mother to me, and finally lost my mum and dad in the last 10 years. In each case I can remember when, where and how I felt.

It feels dreadful at first, but it will pass, and eventually you'll remember what your grandfather meant to you with a mild sadness that he's not there anymore, but with a joy that he was part of your life.

Stay safe, take care and don't hassle us TOO much... ;)

Joe

hello jon!
have lost a lot of people in my 38 years!
the worst was my mum when i was 17
the pain never goes away.
don't feel alone
little things will bring it all back again,but at the same time u will realise perhaps u gain some kind of strength from the pain.
and there are people out there who understand.
but u have to go through it to get to that kind of understanding.
take care.x

Sorry to hear your news Jon. This is one thing that truly frightens me, as I'm 35, with grandparents at 89, 86 and 85. I have never lost any close family members and I fear that more than anything in this world.

I don't feel qualified to offer advice on this issue, but I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and to will you some strength.

Posted by Jon - an unfortunate NTL user - ;) :

My Granddad has just died and i can't take it it all in..i'm like a zombie feeling so numb i must be down i can't even have a banter with the locals on here...and to make it things worse make ex g/f has come back on Sheff Forum

I Know i'll get over it so be warned admin

Sorry to hear of the sad news, I'm going to come out with the usual cliche: think of the good times.

:)

Orginally posted by Mitzisomething-a-rather:

I lost my mum when I was 12 (snip) The hardest was my mum though. I found it very hard.

As did I, but I was a couple of years older than you, but nevertheless I found it hard too, and coupled with the fact that my father was as cooperative as a banana didn't help things!

Originally written by Joe-o:

I lost my grandparents when I was very young, and the first close relative I lost was an aunt when I was about 11 years old. To this day, after 33 years, I can still remember that it was a Saturday, what was on TV when my mum told me that my aunt had died, and how scared and upset I was the following day. I was so scared of dying myself for weeks afterwards.
and finally lost my mum and dad in the last 10 years. In each case I can remember when, where and how I felt.


I remember the scene of 18/7/03 - 2100h well too, but I won't bore you guys with it...

:)

I have to disagree, but the pain does go away.

So far in my life I've lost one of each sides grandparents, and more recently a friend.

The first grandparent I lost didn't have as much impact as it should (in hindsight maybe I was just a self centred teenager).
More recently, about 14 months I guess I lost my grandad, which was upsetting, but you carry on with life, hell, he had 85 years, he'd want me to get on with things.
And most recently I lost a friend to a car accident, which is still upsetting, but more for the lost potential she had than anything else.
We visited her grave on thursday, and by coincidence her family arrived a bit after we did (which is coincidence, given that we both travelled >100 miles to go there).
The thing that cuts me up the most now, is not her absence, but seeing her parents, who I didn't even know being so hurt by her loss.

i lost my 17 month old son 5 yrs ago to meningitis
i went thro hell after losing him, the doctors put me on strong depression tablets to ease the pain
after time the pain got easier to deal with , u never forget but it gets easier and u start to remember the good times

u need time to grieve , every one is different in how much time they need , but u need to grieve and then u can move on and start enjoying ur good memorys of ur lost relative

Sorry to hear about your Grandad. My grandma died at the start of the summer. At first I felt guilty because I didn't feel so sad, and I was trying to be strong for other people. The funeral helped, thats when I cried and got things out fo my system a bit. I still think about her a lot and I asked my grandad if I could have something of hers to remember her by. Look at photos, smile about the good times and the things he brought to your life, talk about him. he will always be with you because he touched your life in the way only a grandad can. It will get easier, take care you x

hi jon.im sorry to hear of your loss,i lost my parents in november 1979,my dad 1st ,then 10 days later my mum,i was in total shock,i thought my world had ended.its been a long time and i miss them very much even now,you learn to cope,it does get easier,i wish i could ask them for advice now and again,i think of them everyday,try and think of all the good times youve had,im a firm believer that their around me,hope this helps you in some small way.

Truly sorry about your Granddad Jon :(

I've lost a lot of family and friends in the last few years and all I can say is it doesn't get better or worse, it just gets different in a way you can cope with

It's as if your brain goes through this filtering process and eventually chucks out all the iffy memories and gives you a better understanding of that person

My biggest regret is I never managed to have that understanding of people while they're alive
Maybe it's just as well, thinking about it I'm not sure I'd want anyone understanding me too well :suspect:

Having lost many family members, some within 3 weeks of each other, I can only say it is ALWAYS with the very greatest difficulty. It is NEVER any easier and what you are feeling sounds perfectly normal for the loss. In cases of terminal illness it is often a welcome relief to see the end of such great personal suffering typically borne stoically in the face of what can only ever be an inevitable conclusion. In the face of death I can only say very sincerest condolences.

Jon I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My dad died two years ago of terminal cancer and I still think about him all the time. All I can say is that time's a great healer x

Even though my dad died when I was 11- I wasn't mature enough to 'feel' it properly (he didn't live with us and we wern't particularly close). When my granny died three years ago, even though I cried and was very distressed at the time- it didn't feel real; like I was playing a part in a film. The reality of her being gone hit me bit by bit, and a year later I had bereavement counselling which helped enormously.

Somehow, with the loss of an elderly relative you can feel as if you shouldn't be so upset, that they 'had a good innings' etc (which I know is true- I can't imagine the pain of losing someone before their time), but the very fact that your loved one has always been there- they are part of your very earliest childhood memories, can make thier absence more poignant.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss:(

Originally posted by Jon
My Granddad has just died and i can't take it it all in..i'm like a zombie feeling so numb :( i must be down i can't even have a banter with the locals on here...and to make it things worse make ex g/f has come back on Sheff Forum :(

I Know i'll get over it so be warned admin :)


Aaaaaaw Jon I am really sorry to hear your sad news. I have lost many people close to me over the last few years, including my Grandad too. The most important thing is to let yourself feel it and not bottle it all up.

It may also help, when you feel ready, to actively do things that remind you of the good times that you shared. You could revisit places that remind you of him, and that remind you of childhood. I must admit that I still don't feel ready to doing these things myself just yet but I am determined to do them soon and am looking forward to all those very happy memories immediately flooding back.

Once again, very sorry for your loss Jon and I am here for you if you ever need a chat, matey.

xxx

Thankfully I've never experienced the loss of a family member.

My great grandma died when I was 2 years old but I don't think that counts.

My Dad lost his Mum when he was 16, the weekend after his 16th birthday.

I don't know how I would have coped in his situation....

Sorry to hear about your loss Jon, my dad died when i was 20, he was the only real close family member i had, god i miss my dad.. just sat here typing this brings a tear to my eye... people told me that when he died that time is a great healer... and to one part i belive it is.... but the pain and is still there, i still love my dad and i miss him,...
grieving is a natural process....that we all at some point will go through and the pain we feel is all part of the love we share... if that makes sense to you...

we are all here on the forum if you need us Jon.

well I lost my mom in 02 and my dad in 03, aint sure how I've coped other than been realistic, yeah I got upset and think about them and our past lives together..

Sorry to hear your news...

When i'd heard my friends Dad had passed on... it started me thinking how the hell would i be able to cope should i lose a close family member such as a parent...

Well 6 months later i was put in her shoes my Dad sadly died of cancer in 1995 aged 57... he started coughing at work colapsed and was gone...

Its amazing the strength you find within yourself to cope with such a loss...

I have found though that the only people that understand me are the people that have gone through a close loss in their lives...

When my ex split with me after 7.5yrs i was devasted how the hell would i carry on? my heart was shattered... then i thought to myself i've lost someone close to me before... i got through that now i can get through this... i really felt that strength fighting inside me getting through...

I found it very helpful to write things down... i wrote a lovely piece about my Dad makes me shed a tear even now...

When i was going through my split i couldnt communicate with anyone (friends or family) as i knew i would crack... couldnt talk on the phone see people in person i even found it hard to text...

I knew deep down i had to talk and get things off my chest but i just couldnt bring myself to do it... so i wrote pages and pages day to day emotions and feelings... how my days nights mornings were... coping without the love of my life... it really helped and got me through it... i would recommend making a diary or notes to anyone...

I promise you... you will overcome this in time... time will heal... no matter how long it takes it will... but one thing is for sure no one ever forgets... Also never be affraid to use his name... i know alot of people cant talk of their lost ones... i feel this to be a shame as thats how to keep the person's memory alive...

Not a day goes by without a thought or word of my Dad i was 24yrs when he passed...

I miss him heaps as i was a real 'Daddies Girl'

All the best and never think your alone...

A xx

I'm so sorry to hear your news, Jon.

I really just wanted to offer my condolences, as I can't really add anything much to what's already been said.

I would just say that you'll be in shock at the moment, and will be for at least the next few days. Be kind and gentle to yourself at this time. Just take life one day at a time to get through this period.

You'll gradually come out of shock, but it'll take its own time, so don't rush. Go with your feelings.

Your life will settle down to a new equilibrium - and when the immediate grieving process is over, you'll be able to look back with happy memories at the times you shared with your grandfather.

Thinking of you.

StarSparkle

well my cousin died recently at 29 after just having her second child was the hospitals fault they didnt stitch her up right they left a piece of tissue inside her and it caused her pain in her legs which meant she could not move which caused her to get a dvt and she died of that we all find it really hard at the mo and were trying to keep her spirit alive by meeting up all the time having parties and looking at photographs it as brought our family closer but we will never get over losing our special girl

:) Thank you everyone for you kind words it means alot.

I lost my grandad a couple of years ago. He was a wonderful man.
my advice to you Jon is,
make him proud of you,
live your life well and don't waste a minute of it.
Tell the people you love, that you love them and really mean it.
Take care xxx

i also forgot to mention to try and think of good times u had together or memories cos thats what i've been doing and it helps believe me or even writing your feelings down might help sorry to hear about your grandad i found it very hard to cope aswell with other things after my cousins death like how someone at her work had pinched £200 of the £500 they had raised to put a bench outside for her and how one of the men used her candle that they lit for her to light is cigarette and like how two women who beat her up ot too long before she died turned up at her funeral but i realised don't be bitter over things just remember the good times

sincere commiserations to you & your family.

i lost one of my nans some 8 years ago and the second 5 years ago it affected all of us differently.the first was cancer & expected(ish) the second was sudden death due to old age.(unexpected).
however my only pragmatic conclusion is try not to think of what could have been.
remember the good times & the bad times but try not to dwell on the xmas's u will miss etc.

Thank you all for your very kind words..i'll never forget him he was an amazing man, he never said a bad word about anyone and loved life to the full :)

:D he will be doing the Eric Morecambe trick with the paper bag now in heaven..which he always did at Christmas which made us all laugh even if we had seen it loads of times :hihi:

Originally posted by Jon
Thank you all for your very kind words..i'll never forget him he was an amazing man, he never said a bad word about anyone and loved life to the full :)

:D he will be doing the Eric Morecambe trick with the paper bag now in heaven..which he always did at Christmas which made us all laugh even if we had seen it loads of times :hihi:

That tickled me. He sounded like a great man, Jon. x

The only thing I can add (except that all my grandparents have moved on and I lost my father 7 years ago) is that it is perfectly normal to grieve. It's all a part of the process of coping and you shouldn't hide behind a macho facade - let it go!!

I'm not sure if time actually heals the pain, it just softens it as you learn to cope. In a strange sense, you can get comfort out of silence, listening to your thoughts, running through the wonderful memories that will forever remain on your brain's book-shelf.

Embrace the memories, enjoy them and remember how lucky you are that such a fabulous bloke was a part of YOUR life!

Hi Jon,

This post scares me a bit too because at 23 I still have all four grandparents, although their health is starting to go downhill quite fast now.

I don't really have much advice for you because thankfully nobody close to me has passed away yet, but I just wanted to offer you my best wishes and deepest sympathies.

You're granddad will always be with you in your heart, unless you're afraid to let him. I thought Shiesh's idea of lighting a candle was nice, but do or don't do whatever makes you feel comfortable. There's no right or wrong way to grieve.

xxx

Sorry to hear your sad news Jon.

As I think most of the Forum know, I lost Sass in June. We'd been together for years and were a public couple so I not only had to deal with my own grief but all the customers from the pub's grief too. That was tiring, but I also don't know what to say to people. Three months later and I'm still getting people approaching me with words of condolence.

There is no right or wrong way to handle grief. Everyone is different and handle it differently, it all depends on how involved you were with the person, how long they were ill for, how strong a character you have and how integrated into your life they were.

You'll have various stages of grief, including 'seeing' the person on the street, dreaming of them, etc.

I think being able to talk to others about them helps put jigsaw pieces in place. Just do whatever you feel you have to. You really do have to find yourself through all this. It does get better, I promise.

Let the emotions flow, cry your eyes out if it helps, and bit by bit the world will come back together again. They're always going to be there, but it'll never be the same again, there will be a gap, a void, but you'll learn to live with it.

Best wishes.

I've lost a cousin in a car accident, and I coped in a strangish way. Meaning I just blocked it out of my mind and actually felt I didn't care. Does that sound mean? I hope not. I mean I did care... except when it happened, I couldn't feel any loss or anything. :S

Jon, my Grandad like Eric Morcombe too, so I know he'll be looking after him up there for you.

my girlfriends grandad, and i cant believe it, Jon, i feel for ya man, its gonna be real tough next couple a weeks/months,

take care bud..

Hi Jon, i am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have been in exactly the same situation as you because i lost my granddad 10 years ago now. I was only five at the time and i didnt really know what was going on. The shock didnt hit me until i was a little older and i realised i didnt have my granddad here anymore. I was too young at the time to have gotten to know all i would have liked about my granddad whom i loved so much for the years i did actually spend with him. The heartbreaking thing is i didnt actually ever get to tell him how much i loved him and how much he meant to me. All i can hope is that he knew how much i did love him and how much he did mean to me. I wish with all my heart that he was here with me now and that he could see me now but i know he cant be. I loo at it like this now, i just think about all the good memories we did actually have and that makes me smile and fill me with warmth. Don't get upset and sad about it all the time because im sure your granddad wouldn't have wanted you to be like that. I know it is hard at times but just try to think of all the good things and i promise you things will look better. :)

Hi Jon,
I lost my dad 6 years ago, at the time i didn't know how i could go on as it hit me really hard as he was also my best friend. All I can say to you is time is a great healer and although it gets easier to cope day by day you will never forget your grandad. remember the good times and dont dwell on the memories surrounding his death.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is do not bottle your grief up, let it out. As i was in the position where I had to support my mum through this i had to remain "strong" for her sake. Doing this meant it took me alot longer to deal with my grief and sense of loss.

take care

Next Weds it will be 13yrs since I lost my dad. He died just a few mths after I lost my Nan and I'd only just started to get over her.
I found it very difficult to deal with as I was only 14 at the time and basically just wanted to get on with life. It was only when I was struggling thru my A-levels a few yrs later that I accepted that I needed time to grieve, and I ended up seeing a counsellor to help me talk thru what I went thru. That helped me lots and I started looking forward to things again.
Even with this, I found it hard to accept my loss up to a few yrs ago. I guess I was thinking that as time went on I would find it easier, which was true, but I wasn't allowing myself to miss him, and that was what was making things difficult for myself. So I only managed to let go completely when I could admit that I did miss him even after 10,11yrs.... You're allowed to, they were an important part of your life. Losing them was bad enough without making things difficult for yourself by not allowing yourself to grieve properly. You do miss them for a reason afterall.

I am now facing up to the fact that I'll be losing my mum sometime in the near future. Losing someone is never easy. But the fact that I have already survived losing my dad and have come thru the other end ok, makes it easier to deal with this time round. This time I know I will cope. Losing someone does make you a stronger person in the end. That, or it shows us our real strength and exactly what we are made of.

I've had similar Jon...all good advice in here! Time does heal, just let your feelings out even if alone by yourself cos it's natural to go through hurt, anger, sadness, emptiness...all the above and perhaps more besides!!

But remember that you take a piece of them with you...it's the good memories! One day these throughts will come into your head and you'll laugh at maybe funny times you shared and start to remember all the things that made your relationship special!

Time is the most precious gift we will ever share with another person...loss is simply a measure of how much you valued that time...

I've had similar Jon...all good advice in here! Time does heal, just let your feelings out even if alone by yourself cos it's natural to go through hurt, anger, sadness, emptiness...all the above and perhaps more besides!!

But remember that you take a piece of them with you...it's the good memories! One day these throughts will come into your head and you'll laugh at maybe funny times you shared and start to remember all the things that made your relationship special!

Time is the most precious gift we will ever share with another person...loss is simply a measure of how much you valued that time...

Time probably has healed. It's the best part of eighteen months since his Granddad died. :)

Hi jon,sorry to hear about you're loss,can i say that about 20 months ago i lost my brother & the pain was unbearable,after seeing him in the chappel of rest & after the funeral ( which both are sad moments)i did start to feel a little bit more comfortable (only a little) it does take time for pain to heal & different people grieve in different ways,for me there was the pain of just losing a loved one( which i'm over now)& then there's the pain of missing a loved one (which i can control better because i think of the precious time we had together),i still get a tear in my eye when special days arrive but thats natural.

All the best to you

mark.

hi John sorry for your loss...

my nan died nearly a year ago now, will be 1 year on the 21st January. it was so hard as we were so close, she was such a lovely, kind woman and i just couldnt belive she was not there anymore.

TBH i dont think it has sunk in properly, even after nearly a year. i hardly cried when she had died, i cried on the day she died and the day of her funeral, thats all. i expected myself to be crying non-stop for weeks, months maybe, but it never came, i think it was the shock more than anything. even though my dad thought she was getting weaker i wouldnt believe it as she was her old self right up until the day she died (she died in her sleep!) there was nothing wrong with her.

the best thing to do, is remember all the good times you had with your grandad. i went to see my nan in her coffin, and i usually see her like that when i think of her - im glad i did go and see her, to say a last goodbye but i would rather think of all the good times we shared and loved.

again, im sorry for your loss. but you will cope, belive me

take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry to hear of your loss, Jon.

In my 30 years on this planet, I've lost a few family members, but the one to have the biggest impact on me was the death of my granddad. He died suddenly at the age of 69 and at the time I was devastated even though I was only 10 years of age. 20 years have past since his death and yes, I still miss him like mad, but what gets me through is thinking about the great times we had and the positive impact he had on my life.

Jon I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My dad died two years ago of terminal cancer and I still think about him all the time. All I can say is that time's a great healer x


I lost my Dad too to lung cancer 5 years ago. I was only 21 and still felt I needed him in my life. I still had so much more to share with him, but as you say time is agreat healer, you never ever forget these people. But you do treasure the good times and talk about the funny things he used to say and do, and it feels good to think and talk about all this rather than remembering his last days and weeks being ill in hospital.

People go thru hell at these times, but my dad hated people being upset and would have gone mad if we didn't start getting on with things again

My Granddad has just died and i can't take it it all in..i'm like a zombie feeling so numb :( i must be down i can't even have a banter with the locals on here :(

Sorry to hear your sad news. I know the feeling though. My mum died 3 years ago and I was absolutely heartbroken. Although she has been gone that time though I still take her photo out of a drawer and talk to it. Maybe if you feel down you go to a good bereavement counsellor. I went to Cruise on West Bar near the cop shop and it help me a lot

I have found though that the only people that understand me are the people that have gone through a close loss in their lives...

Very true... Im not going to go into my situation, but I am going through it now... its amazing how much support my friends have given me... be trully lost without them, I really would.

Hi Jon, When my Grandad died me and my Grandma found a lot of comfort in these words:
All Is Well

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral

|My partner's mum died just over three years ago - sometimes it seems like another lifetime, sometimes like just yesterday. I have my Catholic faith to support me which he does not - I don;t know how he deals with it sometimes! Don't be ashamed of grief or mourning - I think it mellows into sadness but gratefulness for having someone in your life who you cared for so much x

This is the website where I found the poem so I could post the words - it's got some nice words which people may find useful...
http://www.ifishoulddie.co.uk/poems.php

Sorry for your loss pet. I think you have to remember that there is no rule book on how to grieve for a loved one. Grief is a very personal and individual thing. There are certain stages you'll go through but each one is normal to you. I think the most important thing is to allow yourself to grieve in your own way. I lost my hubby just over a year ago to cancer at the age of 46. And dont let anyone tell you that a long term illness can prepare you for their passing, it cant. Looking back I can see how each one of us (myself and our kids) all went through the various stages of grieving at different times. In all honesty we're still going through stages. But they were the right times for us at the stage of grieving we had reached. I personally dont think the pain and sense of loss goes away, but it becomes bearable and less painful as time passes. I keep in mind that my old fella wouldnt have wanted us not to live our lives to the best of our ability, and one day we'll do that. You will come to terms with your loss, just allow yourself to do it at your own pace,
Blessed be pet :)

I dont think you DO cope. I know I dont anyway, I discovered that life is punctuated by bereavements and just as youre coming to terms with one death, another one comes along. It all accumulates through your life until its your turn to die.

I know this sounds bleak but it appears to be a fact of life.

Five Stages Of Grief


Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.


Do you think they are right?

source: http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html