What's happened to the male sex drive?! [Archive]

nick2

01-09-2005, 14:04

Originally posted by intooblivion
had that problem with an ex and lots of my female problems have found the same problem.

So first the problem was that men only wanted sex every night and wern't interested in romance and cuddling etc.
Now the problem is that they don't want sex all the time and want to cuddle more often ?

I'm glad I'm gay.

Pleasing women looks like an impossible task.

1000000000

01-09-2005, 14:05

Originally posted by banesmabes
I have to say I have NEVER found this problem with men before - it is usually quite the opposite. To be honest I get sick of the idea that it is all most men think about doing much of the time - I think I'd prefer a man who likes a good cuddle from time to time and nothing more :)

So you'd prefer the castrated type then!

slimsid2000

01-09-2005, 14:13

As an involuntary celibate I would be gald of once a year never mind once a week.:(

I suppose you can't generalise, different men will have different sex drives. Personally the way things are going I will experience a whist drive before a sex drive.:( :(

banesmabes

01-09-2005, 14:15

Originally posted by 1000000000
So you'd prefer the castrated type then!

No, not castrated, but someone who isn't obsessed with sex (which a lot of, if not most, men seem to be). I just think there's so much more to life than sex! It's a bit sad being constantly pre-occupied with it.

1000000000

01-09-2005, 14:20

Originally posted by banesmabes
I just think there's so much more to life than sex! It's a bit sad being constantly pre-occupied with it.

Try telling that to this lot...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4202734.stm

;)

scottf

01-09-2005, 14:24

Originally posted by Lee1979
sorry i can't say i know what you are talking about ;)

*sits back with smug grin :D*

*sitsback with a big smile on his face*

jdgraham83

01-09-2005, 14:25

Are you pulling gay men?

tingle

01-09-2005, 14:26

It's because men peak when they're about 18 apparently, so it's downhill from there.

We on the other hand, reach a sexual peak much later. Which is a bit of a rubbish prospect, and also doesn't explain vile men like Peter Stringfellow. One to ponder, anyway...

intooblivion

01-09-2005, 14:30

It really is true! Men just don't want it as much as they used to. Sex used to be the woman's power, now men have learnt to deny us thus taking away the only power we have. Ho ho just joking.

slimsid2000

01-09-2005, 14:31

Originally posted by tingle
It's because men peak when they're about 18 apparently, so it's downhill from there.

We on the other hand, reach a sexual peak much later. Which is a bit of a rubbish prospect, and also doesn't explain vile men like Peter Stringfellow. One to ponder, anyway...

Why do you find him vile. Is it because he preferes women younger than himself. Isn't that agist on your part?

nick2

01-09-2005, 14:37

Men arn't as interested in sex since satelite TV and playstations were invented.

royjames

01-09-2005, 14:42

I need to get laid at least 3 times a week and I am in my forties so I dont understand why you have this impression .
Sex is still important to me now as much as when I was in my twenties,I think you have met the wrong men.
Good luck next time.:thumbsup:

willman

01-09-2005, 14:43

mines never wavered, but care & consideration of others often dictates how many cold showers i take per day.

tingle

01-09-2005, 14:57

No need to get shirty, Slim!

Why do I find him vile... Hmm, tricky one, but it may have something to do with the pix of him in a thong that are frequently plastered across the tabs.

Also, his stringy hair, fake perma-tan and general sleazy attitude to women.

The age thing doesn't put me off actually, I really fancy Simon Cowell :blush:

ZEDEX48K

01-09-2005, 15:09

well i arise early every morning!!

Greenback

01-09-2005, 15:18

Originally posted by tingle
Why do I find him vile... Hmm, tricky one, but it may have something to do with the pix of him in a thong that are frequently plastered across the tabs.

Also, his stringy hair, fake perma-tan and general sleazy attitude to women.

But what about his bad points?

1000000000

01-09-2005, 15:21

My better half frequently complains I shake the donkey in my sleep!!

(Now come on guys, don't make me embarass myself by being the only one)... ;)

scottf

01-09-2005, 15:23

Originally posted by 1000000000
My better half frequently complains I shake the donkey in my sleep!!

(Now come on guys, don't make me embarass myself by being the only one)... ;)

*watches tumbleweed fly by*

;)

venger

01-09-2005, 15:42

neeeeeeeeeek

01-09-2005, 15:49

Seriously, why do men 'just want a cuddle' or only want it once a week? Is this a new thing in the male world? I had that problem with an ex and lots of my female problems have found the same problem.

Are you a bit of a Swampdonkey? A Moosepig perhaps??

May be you need to wash a little more or cut down on the pies!

:o
:hihi: :hihi:

samc

01-09-2005, 15:56

Neeeeeeeeeeeek ! How rude ! ( but funny) :hihi:

This post is a wind-up isn't it?

Where are you finding these blokes who only want it once a week?

limpetboy

01-09-2005, 16:05

We're damned if we do and damned if we don't it seems. That said I can't believe you are that unlucky that most of the fellas you've been with only want it once a week, there must have been at least one horny hound among them?

(p.s. as much as once a week sounds like heaven to me, difficult to get down with my gf when she's in Newcastle :( )

limpetboy

01-09-2005, 16:06

Originally posted by nick2
Men arn't as interested in sex since satelite TV and playstations were invented.

And on a completely different note that is a quality signature nick2, laughed for ages when i worked it out :hihi:

intooblivion

01-09-2005, 16:06

Originally posted by neeeeeeeeeek
Are you a bit of a Swampdonkey? A Moosepig perhaps??

May be you need to wash a little more or cut down on the pies!

:o
:hihi: :hihi:

Nah, I'm not kidding. ALL the girls I've spoken to recently say the same thing!! Guys just don't have a sex drive anymore. And no we're none of us swamp donkeys. We were thinking it's because women have become more dominant and assertive with regards to sex not like the innocent flowers men are looking for????

Do we scare guys off by them knowing that we too desire sex? If I'm in a relationship why not have it everyday or at least everytime you see them? Makes sense to me.

intooblivion

01-09-2005, 16:08

Originally posted by limpetboy
We're damned if we do and damned if we don't it seems. That said I can't believe you are that unlucky that most of the fellas you've been with only want it once a week, there must have been at least one horny hound among them?

(p.s. as much as once a week sounds like heaven to me, difficult to get down with my gf when she's in Newcastle :( )

Oh nooo, men are great at first, want it all the time but they soon get over that

limpetboy

01-09-2005, 16:09

Originally posted by intooblivion
Oh nooo, men are great at first, want it all the time but they soon get over that

Which men are these? We may be simple of mind but if the sex is good we're not gonna stop! We're not daft y'know :heyhey:

intooblivion

01-09-2005, 16:14

Originally posted by limpetboy
Which men are these? We may be simple of mind but if the sex is good we're not gonna stop! We're not daft y'know :heyhey:

Hmmm, if it was just me that had that problem then ok...but my friends all find it true too. It's so annoying when you're looking your sexiest but Mister who is lying there next to you is 'not in the mood'

WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT??? You are supposed to always be in the mood and WE reject you. Not the other way round.

limpetboy

01-09-2005, 16:17

Originally posted by intooblivion
Hmmm, if it was just me that had that problem then ok...but my friends all find it true too. It's so annoying when you're looking your sexiest but Mister who is lying there next to you is 'not in the mood'

WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT??? You are supposed to always be in the mood and WE reject you. Not the other way round.

Ahhhhhh the fog lifts to reveal a beautiful sunrise in my mind. It's not the lack of sex that's the problem it's the lack of power in your relationship. The idea that men should be 10" long, hard as steel and able to go all night every night is still alive and well I see.

Sex as a weapon, a very bad way to live.

Don_Kiddick

01-09-2005, 16:17

Too many conflicting restrictions & expectations put on poor old blokey these days.

You know - damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Blokey goes into shut down as he sees nagging negative critical woman with body parts heading south as Nemesis not soul mate anymore.

IMO :D

samc

01-09-2005, 16:18

I still think this is a wind-up.

But if it is true and there is large number of girls not getting their blokes all giddy-up... then either exchange the blokes or buy some books on the subject and chuck out any grey undies and get some new knickers in.

But this is really a post wanting blokes to start bragging about how often they want it isn't it?

medusa

01-09-2005, 16:21

Having gone through over 2 years now without a cuddle, kiss or any other kind of affection (and I'm married!) I now feel about as attractive as a dead slug, even though I look pretty much the same as when he told me I was sexy 8 years ago when we met.

Would give more than I care to say for any kind of attention, be it cuddles or more. Personally I think that cuddles can be more intimate than sex and have their own place- neither better nor worse- just different and equally valuable in a relationship.

banesmabes

01-09-2005, 16:30

Originally posted by Don_Kiddick
Blokey goes into shut down as he sees nagging negative critical woman with body parts heading south as Nemesis not soul mate anymore.

IMO :D

Maybe the women just get gradually fed up with looking after a grown adult who should be able to take care of themselves?

And of course men all become infinately more attractive as they age :hihi:

samc

01-09-2005, 16:36

maybe if we are too demanding of our men in other areas then the sex drive does go.

i.e if they do ironing duties/cooking/cleaning/shopping/have their chests waxed etc...

limpetboy

01-09-2005, 16:49

Originally posted by samc
maybe if we are too demanding of our men in other areas then the sex drive does go.

i.e if they do ironing duties/cooking/cleaning/shopping/have their chests waxed etc...

lool would you really want to see a waxed chest :suspect:

madowl

01-09-2005, 17:04

Maybe sometimes being married just makes you feel like part of the furniture..... same place, same face.. :gag: spice is the food of life;)
Id sit and have a cuddle anyday, im a big softie i love hugs..;) from the right people....routine kills.... and so does one way love, you have to love and be loved back for things to work.

DragonofAna

01-09-2005, 17:26

Not interested in sex more than once a week? Is someone taking the smelly water here?

More like - not tonight luv - I have a headache or its that time of month, or the little uns kept me up all night ... er ... and all day ... or - and so on.

Heck! Sex more than once a week - what a treat. Hmmmm!

Dragon

royjames

01-09-2005, 17:57

Originally posted by medusa666
Having gone through over 2 years now without a cuddle, kiss or any other kind of affection (and I'm married!) I now feel about as attractive as a dead slug, even though I look pretty much the same as when he told me I was sexy 8 years ago when we met.

Would give more than I care to say for any kind of attention, be it cuddles or more. Personally I think that cuddles can be more intimate than sex and have their own place- neither better nor worse- just different and equally valuable in a relationship.

This is so sad ,I think you ought to give your other half a ultimatum,either pull their finger outor your going to find someone who will.
I really dont understand why you stay in a relationship like this,you need to move on.

depoix

01-09-2005, 20:28

its the memory that fades......sorry love, not tonight,cant think of any one :thumbsup:

cloudybay

01-09-2005, 20:34

Originally posted by intooblivion
It really is true! Men just don't want it as much as they used to. Sex used to be the woman's power, now men have learnt to deny us thus taking away the only power we have. Ho ho just joking.

I only need it 3 times a day...........bugger

medusa

01-09-2005, 20:47

Originally posted by royjames
This is so sad ,I think you ought to give your other half a ultimatum,either pull their finger outor your going to find someone who will.
I really dont understand why you stay in a relationship like this,you need to move on.

I gave him the ultimatum 6 months ago when my doctor started talking to me about antidepressants, and nothing changed, so I have taken the decision that alone is preferable to lonely in company.

We will be splitting up as soon as everything can be separated (he needs a bank account and a life to go to- I'm keeping the house, it was mine for years before we met) and I'm hoping that everything will feel a little less empty afterwards.

It's not really what I want (I'd prefer a functional marriage) but one person can't change another's behaviour, they have to do it themselves.

Thank you for your honest reaction. Sometimes it is easier to believe that it's me being too needy that leads to my unhappiness, rather than a situation that would cause unhappiness in many people.

madowl

01-09-2005, 21:44

Originally posted by medusa666
I gave him the ultimatum 6 months ago when my doctor started talking to me about antidepressants, and nothing changed, so I have taken the decision that alone is preferable to lonely in company.

We will be splitting up as soon as everything can be separated (he needs a bank account and a life to go to- I'm keeping the house, it was mine for years before we met) and I'm hoping that everything will feel a little less empty afterwards.

It's not really what I want (I'd prefer a functional marriage) but one person can't change another's behaviour, they have to do it themselves.

Thank you for your honest reaction. Sometimes it is easier to believe that it's me being too needy that leads to my unhappiness, rather than a situation that would cause unhappiness in many people. I totaly understand what your going through, its no good loving someone if there no love in return, it takes two for a marrage to work, athough splitting up is never easy, where do you go ?what do you do, sometimes living and feeling alone while you live with someone is better than having nothing at all...some people might find that it sounds strange but what else can you do, when you have no money, no family and know your gonna be on the streets.... good luck medusa666.

DragonofAna

01-09-2005, 22:07

If a person wants they can change themselves, and if the marriage or relationship is important enough then that change will be genuine.

Depression is one reason for a failure to achieve this, but that does not mean the person does not love you. What it can mean is that they are incapable of understanding how to deal with this emotion and may well require the kind of help you cannot get from the doctors.

If it is worth saving then fight to save it. Just giving up is not the answer.

Dragon

tingle

02-09-2005, 08:45

It's not just the sex drive that's diminishing in men anyway. How many young men can grow beards these days? Who refers to the 'five o' clock shadow' any more?

No one, cos it doesn't exist.

The sad truth is, men are turning into women! And it's our own fault for all taking the pill. Damn hormones....

widemonk

02-09-2005, 13:16

Originally posted by medusa666
[snip]
We will be splitting up as soon as everything can be separated (he needs a bank account and a life to go to.
[snip]

If I were you, I wouldnt wait. When applying for a new bank account, while he might not live there 'now', he'd still put it down as a previous address. As for a life to go to, surely thats up to him to decide where to life and what he does regarding work & social life (and funding that social life) etc.

Having said that, it raises the ugly situation that because you're married, although the house was yours for years, he's also unfortunately now entitled to half.

banesmabes

02-09-2005, 15:14

Originally posted by tingle
The sad truth is, men are turning into women! And it's our own fault for all taking the pill. Damn hormones....

Isn't it mainly men who developed the pill so that they could completely absolve themselves of any responsibility for contraception and create a situation where women were willing to have sex with them much more frequently?!? And now we are facing the consequences of the huge amount of female sex hormones being secreted into our water system.... ;)

willman

02-09-2005, 15:23

if any one needs a strong pair of arms or broad shoulders for a cuddle i'm all yours(lol).
wouldn't like to offer more in case i spoilt you for the man of your life.(lol)

JBee

02-09-2005, 15:24

Originally posted by willman
if any one needs a strong pair of arms or broad shoulders for a cuddle i'm all yours(lol).
wouldn't like to offer more in case i spoilt you for the man of your life.(lol)

:gag: :gag: :gag:

Don_Kiddick

02-09-2005, 15:35

willman

02-09-2005, 15:38

Originally posted by JBee
:gag: :gag: :gag:

see you try to be a man about these things & this is how i'm repaid.
it's no wonder so many men lack self confidence & the ability to behave like a man.

samc

02-09-2005, 15:44

Originally posted by willman
see you try to be a man about these things & this is how i'm repaid.
it's no wonder so many men lack self confidence & the ability to behave like a man.

I think Willman is directing us to the heart of this matter.

We don't allow men make the sexist remarks they used to get away with or have the caveman approach anymore.

It is obviously linked to their sex drive. The more sexist comments they can make per day spurs their libido into action

JBee

02-09-2005, 15:46

I didn't think it was sexist, or manly. I thought it was cheesy!!!

willman

02-09-2005, 15:50

Originally posted by samc
I think Willman is directing us to the heart of this matter.

We don't allow men make the sexist remarks they used to get away with or have the caveman approach anymore.

It is obviously linked to their sex drive. The more sexist comments they can make per day spurs their libido into action

im quite fortunate that im not a caveman (ugly enough though) & truthfully i'm not sexist, but we are condemned to a life of propriety. most ladies these days are more interested in a six pack & a hairdo of the pretty boys.
i have a 17 year old nephew who daren'y go near a girl for fear of rejection - who caused this? when he does get a bird he'll just do as she tells him.

Don_Kiddick

02-09-2005, 15:50

Originally posted by samc
I think Willman is directing us to the heart of this matter.

We don't allow men make the sexist remarks they used to get away with or have the caveman approach anymore.

It is obviously linked to their sex drive. The more sexist comments they can make per day spurs their libido into action
If that's what it takes - and that's what you want, 'wimmin' should shut up whinging- can't have it both ways.

Lets get back to old style luvvin, it got us through 2 world wars dinnit?

*Turbo*

02-09-2005, 16:37

Originally posted by intooblivion
Seriously, why do men 'just want a cuddle' or only want it once a week? Is this a new thing in the male world? I had that problem with an ex and lots of my female problems have found the same problem.

WHat's going on??

Get your coat luv, you've pulled! :bigsmile:

Seriously this is a wind up?

As other's have said, we cant do anything right!

Four months ago i came out of a long relationship where everything was on her terms...how i wish i was with you or one of your mates! lol

The four months since have put me on par with another member whom shall remain nameless :thumbsup:

sugarnspice

03-09-2005, 12:21

Well this doesn't sound right to me. Men? Not wanting sex? Men saying "no, can we just have a cuddle?". What????!!!

And what planet does this happen????!!!!! :confused:

robbie

03-09-2005, 12:30

to be honest I think that sex is overated (spot the man not getting any :rolleyes: ).

I very happy to cuddle up in bed as opposed to wanting sex evertime I'm in bed with someone (I'm not talking about teddy btw :suspect: )

Part of the what I miss most about being single is the intimacy

xafier

03-09-2005, 12:48

Wish I was getting sex once a week! :? Personally I have a rather high sex drive... but I am only 20 :hihi: doesn't mean I want sex 24/7 but I do like very intimate relationships... my last r/ship we usually had sex 1 - 3 times per day when we was together... sometimes more :?

there were times when I haven't wanted to put out, usually when she's assuming that she can get whatever she wants when she wants... women dont like it, neither do we!

guys aren't machines same as women arent :P

medusa

03-09-2005, 13:13

Originally posted by widemonk
If I were you, I wouldnt wait. When applying for a new bank account, while he might not live there 'now', he'd still put it down as a previous address. As for a life to go to, surely thats up to him to decide where to life and what he does regarding work & social life (and funding that social life) etc.

Having said that, it raises the ugly situation that because you're married, although the house was yours for years, he's also unfortunately now entitled to half.

He understands exactly why I can no longer cope with the situation and everything is very amicable.

We have agreed a clean break- I'll sign away my rights to his future earnings (I'm on disability benefits) and he'll sign away his rights to the house.

But we can't do any of that stuff until the bank get their finger out and actually open the bank account for him so he has a way of paying for a new place! At present his wages get paid into my bank account and we're separating the 'stuff' we have shared for so long, waiting for the letter to drop on the doormat so he can have some independence. We'll get there in the end!

medusa

03-09-2005, 13:28

Originally posted by Dragon
If a person wants they can change themselves, and if the marriage or relationship is important enough then that change will be genuine.

Depression is one reason for a failure to achieve this, but that does not mean the person does not love you. What it can mean is that they are incapable of understanding how to deal with this emotion and may well require the kind of help you cannot get from the doctors.

If it is worth saving then fight to save it. Just giving up is not the answer.

Dragon

Very good spotting of the signs there. The depression was the death knell for the relationship, which was already coping with his Aspbergers and PTSD, and my cancer and disabilities.

He has been in therapy and treatment from a psychiatrist for 4 years, and has openly told me that he doesn't love me for a couple of years. When my mental health began suffering from the strain I explained to him that the choice was his- either our marriage mattered enough for him to make changes and seek extra help, or it didn't.

He is the one that chose that our marriage (and me) didn't matter enough to prioritise getting help. If he's not prepared to work on his problems and participate in a marriage, rather than continue with putting me down to make himself feel better, whether or not I want to fight for the marriage is irrelevant.

Fighting doesn't come in at this point- it's either consent to be a doormat or try to give my self a chance at stability alone.

It's taken years of hard thinking to get to this point-I do agree that relationships are worth fighting for, but there are limits, and I reached mine when he stole money off a member of my family and then accused me of siding with them when I paid it back and apologised for him.

Chris_Sleeps

03-09-2005, 16:17

Originally posted by intooblivion
[...] WE reject you.
I think i've found your problem.

*Twinkle*

03-09-2005, 17:18

Originally posted by sugarnspice
Well this doesn't sound right to me. Men? Not wanting sex? Men saying "no, can we just have a cuddle?". What????!!!

And what planet does this happen????!!!!! :confused:

I was just thinking the same thing... In almost 3 years of being with my BF, I have never heard "Can we just cuddle" and we've been living together for a third of our relationship!! lol! Most of the time, we're good at reading eachothers signals... IE: he can tell if i'm not up for it and vise versa...
This is not to say we never cuddle... We're very intimate and cuddly lol... Can't keep our hands off eachother lol!
In our relationship, cuddles mean just as much as full blown hows your father.. Each are important, yet at the right time :) I'm pleased to say that the timing is usually always quite right :P

peterdo

05-09-2005, 05:29

You are a wicked, wicked woman Intooblivion. :smile: You know that Slimsid2000 would give his right arm to get laid, and here you are talking about men who have got it on offer and knocking it back. Just the thought of that would have him crying in his beer.
:clap: :clap:

wolfman

05-09-2005, 13:49

It just means that their female partners aren't 'turning' them on, or perhaps they're seeing several other women on the side!

intooblivion

05-09-2005, 15:21

Originally posted by wolfman
It just means that their female partners aren't 'turning' them on, or perhaps they're seeing several other women on the side!

NO! men just generally are not interested anymore.

Hehe, so maybe it was just one bloke for me. But ALL my friends with boyfriends are having the same problems. Men just don't care about sex anymore. Guess one night stands men probably try harder...or at the beginning of the relationship. Couple of months down men claim they just like it once a week. Not good enough guys.

TRUE TRUE TRUE

Saifa

05-09-2005, 15:28

Reminds me of a carry on film (cant remember which one)

Ken Williams "Matron please! You must remember I was once a weak man".

Matron "once a week's enough for any man".

:D

nick2

05-09-2005, 15:29

Originally posted by intooblivion
Guess one night stands men probably try harder...or at the beginning of the relationship. Couple of months down men claim they just like it once a week. Not good enough guys.

You could see it as that or you could see it as men see women on one night stands as just a quick shag, sex is all they want, but once they get into a relationship they want other things like cuddling etc. and sex becomes less important. Perhaps men realy do like sex once a week, their not doing it just to p*ss you off.

It's not a recent "change" in men, I mean, how often do you think your parents have sex ?

If women just want endless sex day and night I would suggest they become prostitutes.

Bully_Beef

05-09-2005, 15:38

Originally posted by Saifa
Reminds me of a carry on film (cant remember which one)

Probably all of them, they're pretty much interchangeable :D

You could see it as that or you could see it as men see women on one night stands as just a quick shag, sex is all they want, but once they get into a relationship they want other things like cuddling etc. and sex becomes less important. Perhaps men realy do like sex once a week, their not doing it just to p*ss you off.

I think this is spot on.
Sometimes as a man, all you want is to empty your nuts, and the thought of pleasuring a woman properly seems like too much effort...so you resort to a bit of DIY:P

the_rudeboy

05-09-2005, 15:41

Originally posted by intooblivion
Oh nooo, men are great at first, want it all the time but they soon get over that

Maybe you just dont keep it exciting and adventurous. :heyhey:

Afraid this 'wanting it once a week' nonsense is completely alien to me. :loopy:

dirtybobby

05-09-2005, 16:05

Originally posted by nick2
Pleasing women looks like an impossible task.

nail on head..

intooblivion

05-09-2005, 16:08

Originally posted by dirtybobby
nail on head..

It really isn't that hard! We're not as complicated as men like to think we are.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 16:12

Originally posted by intooblivion
NO! men just generally are not interested anymore.

Hehe, so maybe it was just one bloke for me. But ALL my friends with boyfriends are having the same problems. Men just don't care about sex anymore. Guess one night stands men probably try harder...or at the beginning of the relationship. Couple of months down men claim they just like it once a week. Not good enough guys.

TRUE TRUE TRUE

Is sex really so important that you feel the need to put pressure on your partner because you don't think he wants it often enough? There is so much more to a relationship than sex. How would you feel if someone was pressuring you into having sex more than you wanted to? For some reason we seem to feel it is acceptable to pressure men into sex - I don't think is acceptable for anyone to do this.

dirtybobby

05-09-2005, 16:18

Originally posted by intooblivion
It really isn't that hard! We're not as complicated as men like to think we are.

i wasn't talking about sexually.. believe me, i have no problem with that (why do you think my mates nicknamed me "dirtybobby"? :heyhey: )..

i just mean in general.. striking that perfect balance between "nice" and "firm" is hard to maintain on a permanent basis.. and when we slip, boy do we know about it lol..

intooblivion

05-09-2005, 17:27

Originally posted by banesmabes
Is sex really so important that you feel the need to put pressure on your partner because you don't think he wants it often enough? There is so much more to a relationship than sex. How would you feel if someone was pressuring you into having sex more than you wanted to? For some reason we seem to feel it is acceptable to pressure men into sex - I don't think is acceptable for anyone to do this.

If the sex is good it equates to only 10% of the relationship. If it is not adequate it becomes 90% of the relationship. A balance is needed from both sides but constant rejection because someones sex drive is higher is harsh and can lower self esteem

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 17:44

Originally posted by intooblivion
If the sex is good it equates to only 10% of the relationship. If it is not adequate it becomes 90% of the relationship. A balance is needed from both sides but constant rejection because someones sex drive is higher is harsh and can lower self esteem

But you were not suggesting constant rejection (which I agree would be a problem), we're talking about two people with different sex drives - one partner wanting sex once a week, the other more often. This is not constant rejection as there is still sex in the relationship (and on a regular basis). Maybe you just have to accept that everyone is different. If you can't accept your partner for who he is then maybe you need to move on - although I know I wouldn't be too chuffed if someone left me for such a shallow reason as not providing enough sex!

t020

05-09-2005, 17:53

Originally posted by banesmabes
But you were not suggesting constant rejection (which I agree would be a problem), we're talking about two people with different sex drives - one partner wanting sex once a week, the other more often. This is not constant rejection as there is still sex in the relationship (and on a regular basis). Maybe you just have to accept that everyone is different. If you can't accept your partner for who he is then maybe you need to move on - although I know I wouldn't be too chuffed if someone left me for such a shallow reason as not providing enough sex!

But why should the person with the lower sex drive get it all their way? Surely the best thing is for both partners to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 17:58

Originally posted by t020
But why should the person with the lower sex drive get it all their way? Surely the best thing is for both partners to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

Because if the person with the higher sex drives gets their own way then they are pretty much forcing their partner to have sex when they don't really want to. What's worse, someone going without for a few days, or someone feeling as if they are being forced/co-erced into sex?

t020

05-09-2005, 18:00

Originally posted by banesmabes
Because if the person with the higher sex drives gets their own way then they are pretty much forcing their partner to have sex when they don't really want to. What's worse, someone going without for a few days, or someone feeling as if they are being forced/co-erced into sex?

Neither - like I said, the best solution is to compromise with a regularity somewhere between the two extremes. If the person with the lower sex drive really finds it that much of a chore, maybe they shouldn't be in the relationship at all? Also the person going without may start looking elsewhere. Sex isn't important when it's OK but it is when it isn't and can cause break ups. Compromising from BOTH partners would help avoid that.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 18:08

Originally posted by t020
Neither - like I said, the best solution is to compromise with a regularity somewhere between the two extremes. If the person with the lower sex drive really finds it that much of a chore, maybe they shouldn't be in the relationship at all? Also the person going without may start looking elsewhere. Sex isn't important when it's OK but it is when it isn't and can cause break ups. Compromising from BOTH partners would help avoid that.

Well yes, as I suggested earlier, if it is really that important that you get your leg over as much as possible but your partner isn't willing then maybe you need a new partner. Even a compromise has it's down sides - first of all it's hardly romantic - "right, so you want it every night, I only want it once a week, so how about we go for Mons, Weds, and Sats?", and then the arguments start when the compromise isn't met in any particular week. And would you really want to sleep with someone thinking that they are only doing it because of a compromise and not because they really want to?!? In my book, quality is much better than quantity. If you have a partner who wants to have sex with you, but not as often as you'd like, then just learn to live with it - it won't kill you.

sunflower_gb

05-09-2005, 18:14

find the balance that suits you both...no pressure on either partner then

limpetboy

05-09-2005, 18:19

Originally posted by intooblivion
If the sex is good it equates to only 10% of the relationship. If it is not adequate it becomes 90% of the relationship. A balance is needed from both sides but constant rejection because someones sex drive is higher is harsh and can lower self esteem

Contstant pressure from someone for sex can have exactly the same effect on a person with a lower sex drive than their partner - feelings of inadequacy stemming from the fact that you clearly consider that they aren't up to the task.

Perhaps if you weren't pressuring your partner for sex they would be more receptive to striking the balance that you and t020 speak of.

And most importantly sex is not the be all and end all in a solid relationship. Never has been, never will be. If you define your relationships by the number of times in a given timeframe your partner wants sex then I would respectfully suggest that you are somewhat missing the point.

the_rudeboy

05-09-2005, 19:45

Originally posted by intooblivion
It really isn't that hard! We're not as complicated as men like to think we are.

Now i know this thread is a wind up.

skny

05-09-2005, 20:08

A compromise is the only solution really...how hard is it to put out once or twice more a week when youre just not "in the mood"? Take what, an hour of your time? Not a huge sacrifice. Anyway, if you are with "the one" I honestly think you should be shagging more than once a week anyway!

limpetboy

05-09-2005, 20:09

t020

05-09-2005, 20:10

Originally posted by banesmabes
Well yes, as I suggested earlier, if it is really that important that you get your leg over as much as possible but your partner isn't willing then maybe you need a new partner. Even a compromise has it's down sides - first of all it's hardly romantic - "right, so you want it every night, I only want it once a week, so how about we go for Mons, Weds, and Sats?", and then the arguments start when the compromise isn't met in any particular week.

I find that very romantic.

Originally posted by banesmabes

If you have a partner who wants to have sex with you, but not as often as you'd like, then just learn to live with it - it won't kill you.

But conversely, if you have a partner who wants to have sex with you but more often than you'd like, then just learn to live with it and think of England - it won't kill you.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:18

Originally posted by skny
A compromise is the only solution really...how hard is it to put out once or twice more a week when youre just not "in the mood"? Take what, an hour of your time? Not a huge sacrifice. Anyway, if you are with "the one" I honestly think you should be shagging more than once a week anyway!

But in response how hard is it to abstain a bit more often? What's so wrong with accepting that sex is only a small part of a relationship? Why should someone feel obliged to do something they don't want? Why do we have this assumption that just because you are in a relationship you should be shagging all the time? If you are, as you say, with 'the one', then you're relationship is about so much more than sex. Why is it assumed that there is something wrong with someone if they don't want sex all the time? Just because we have it shoved in our faces by the media all day every day doesn't mean that everyone wants or should be having sex all the time. Why the hell would you sacrifice a perfectly good relationship just because you're only getting laid once a week and you'd prefer more often? It just all seems so shallow. Sex means nothing at the end of the day if you don't have love and respect for each other. How can you respect a partner who pressurises you into having sex? Society today places far too much importance on sex. It's not what's important at the end of the day.

t020

05-09-2005, 20:20

Originally posted by banesmabes
But in response how hard is it to abstain a bit more often? What's so wrong with accepting that sex is only a small part of a relationship? Why should someone feel obliged to do something they don't want? Why do we have this assumption that just because you are in a relationship you should be shagging all the time? If you are, as you say, with 'the one', then you're relationship is about so much more than sex. Why is it assumed that there is something wrong with someone if they don't want sex all the time? Just because we have it shoved in our faces by the media all day every day doesn't mean that everyone wants or should be having sex all the time. Why the hell would you sacrifice a perfectly good relationship just because you're only getting laid once a week and you'd prefer more often? It just all seems so shallow. Sex means nothing at the end of the day if you don't have love and respect for each other. How can you respect a partner who pressurises you into having sex? Society today places far too much importance on sex. It's not what's important at the end of the day.

It cuts both ways though and that's what you seem to be overlooking.

limpetboy

05-09-2005, 20:21

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:22

Originally posted by t020
I find that very romantic.

But conversely, if you have a partner who wants to have sex with you but more often than you'd like, then just learn to live with it and think of England - it won't kill you.

No, it won't kill you. But it may make you feel used, as is your partner has no respect for your wishes, as if your partner is just using your body for their own personal gratification, as if your partner has no respect for what YOU want to do with YOUR body. Sex can be very emotionally damaging if you do not really want to be doing it. I never heard of anyone being emotionally scarred because their partner will only allow them to have sex once a week rather than as often as they'd like.

skny

05-09-2005, 20:26

I agree, there shouldnt be pressure to put out on demand. But once a week....!! If you are committed to someone, that means compromise, but being with someone you are mentally and physically *ideal* for should mean more than 4 shags a month. If one reins in a bit, and the other tries a bit harder, wouldnt that be an ideal compromise?

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:26

Originally posted by t020
It cuts both ways though and that's what you seem to be overlooking.

And what you seem to be overlooking is the major difference between a person having to perform a very intimate act because they feel pressurised and someone just having to abstain for a few days. They are two very different things. It is A LOT of ask someone to have sex when they don't really want to - it is not much to ask someone not to have sex when they really want to.

t020

05-09-2005, 20:26

Originally posted by banesmabes
No, it won't kill you. But it may make you feel used, as is your partner has no respect for your wishes, as if your partner is just using your body for their own personal gratification, as if your partner has no respect for what YOU want to do with YOUR body. Sex can be very emotionally damaging if you do not really want to be doing it. I never heard of anyone being emotionally scarred because their partner will only allow them to have sex once a week rather than as often as they'd like.

They might feel rejected and their confidence could become battered with continual knock backs. It's as if the partner has no respect for what the other partner wants to do with their body!

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:29

Originally posted by skny
I agree, there shouldnt be pressure to put out on demand. But once a week....!! If you are committed to someone, that means compromise, but being with someone you are mentally and physically *ideal* for should mean more than 4 shags a month. If one reins in a bit, and the other tries a bit harder, wouldnt that be an ideal compromise?

But that's your opinion on how much sex a couple should be having. There's no quota to fulfil! There's no right and wrong for how much sex you should be having! There's no 'ideal' for how many times a week/month you have sex. Everyone is different.

t020

05-09-2005, 20:31

Originally posted by banesmabes
And what you seem to be overlooking is the major difference between a person having to perform a very intimate act because they feel pressurised and someone just having to abstain for a few days. They are two very different things. It is A LOT of ask someone to have sex when they don't really want to - it is not much to ask someone not to have sex when they really want to.

Maybe with your apparent low sex drive you've not really experienced sexual frustration, especially when the rejection comes from the person whom you love?

skny

05-09-2005, 20:33

But if there's a huge discrepancy, maybe they arent as suited as they should be? I think being constantly rejected would have a greater long term effect on the relationship than occasionally just getting on with it. You should want to have sex with your significant other a lot..after all, you have rejected the rest of their gender to be with them.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:33

Originally posted by t020
They might feel rejected and their confidence could become battered with continual knock backs. It's as if the partner has no respect for what the other partner wants to do with their body!

But in this case there aren't continual knock backs - there is sex in the relationship. And the sex is quite regular. I'm sorry, but there is no comparison between pressuring someone to do something with their body that they don't want to do and someone having to NOT do something they want to do. You could justify rape by using that argument ("she didn't want it, but she has to respect what I want to do").

t020

05-09-2005, 20:35

Originally posted by banesmabes
But in this case there aren't continual knock backs - there is sex in the relationship. And the sex is quite regular. I'm sorry, but there is no comparison between pressuring someone to do something with their body that they don't want to do and someone having to NOT do something they want to do. You could justify rape by using that argument ("she didn't want it, but she has to respect what I want to do").

No, you couldn't justify rape. You could justify compromise. It's the same as a couple moving in together, one who likes a weekly shop and the other who likes to shop every day. They could compromise and shop every 2 - 3 days instead. Or a tidy person living with a messy person - rather than adopting one extreme, meet in the middle. Again, if one partner is THAT repulsed at the thought of having to have sex with their partner then maybe they shouldn't be with them at all?

skny

05-09-2005, 20:36

You could justify rape by using that argument ("she didn't want it, but she has to respect what I want to do").

Thats quite a stretch.

limpetboy

05-09-2005, 20:37

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:38

Originally posted by skny
But if there's a huge discrepancy, maybe they arent as suited as they should be? I think being constantly rejected would have a greater long term effect on the relationship than occasionally just getting on with it. You should want to have sex with your significant other a lot..after all, you have rejected the rest of their gender to be with them.

But this is what I'm saying - some people just don't want to have sex a lot! Everyone is different. There's nothing abnormal about someone not wanting sex all the time - even in a relationship with someone they love. There's no 'you should want to have sex a lot' about it - there are no rules on how much a person should want sex. If you have chosen to be with someone that I should sincerely hope you have chosen them for much more than sex! And yes, if there is a huge discrepecy between the two and one thinks sex is more important than the relationship as a whole, then they are not compatible.

t020

05-09-2005, 20:38

Originally posted by limpetboy
It isn't a case of being repusled it's a case of simply having differing sex drives

Yes, so what's wrong with compromising? Why should the partner with the lower sex drive have it all their way?

t020

05-09-2005, 20:41

Also, the compromise doesn't have to be with frequency. The person with the lower sex drive could use other "techniques" to keep the person with the higher sex drive satisfied when they're not in the mood for the full on event.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:42

Originally posted by t020
No, you couldn't justify rape. You could justify compromise. It's the same as a couple moving in together, one who likes a weekly shop and the other who likes to shop every day. They could compromise and shop every 2 - 3 days instead. Or a tidy person living with a messy person - rather than adopting one extreme, meet in the middle. Again, if one partner is THAT repulsed at the thought of having to have sex with their partner then maybe they shouldn't be with them at all?

You're talking about shopping and being tidy! That's completely different to sex! They're not even comparable. You're not asking someone to do something with their body that they don't want to do. And again, would you really want to have sex with someone who you know is only doing it as a compromise and not because they actually want to?!? Have you never thought that the person with the lower sex drive might actually value sex more and as such wants it to be as special as possible, and it can't be special when one partner doesn't really want to do it.

t020

05-09-2005, 20:43

Originally posted by banesmabes
You're talking about shopping and being tidy! That's completely different to sex! They're not even comparable. You're not asking someone to do something with their body that they don't want to do. And again, would you really want to have sex with someone who you know is only doing it as a compromise and not because they actually want to?!? Have you never thought that the person with the lower sex drive might actually value sex more and as such wants it to be as special as possible, and it can't be special when one partner doesn't really want to do it.

Also, the compromise doesn't have to be with frequency. The person with the lower sex drive could use other "techniques" to keep the person with the higher sex drive satisfied when they're not in the mood for the full on event.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:44

Originally posted by t020
Maybe with your apparent low sex drive you've not really experienced sexual frustration, especially when the rejection comes from the person whom you love?

Believe me I have experienced sexual frustration! But I also know when to respect someone else's wishes and put my own primitive needs on the backburner. You seem to confuse sex and love.

t020

05-09-2005, 20:46

Originally posted by banesmabes
Believe me I have experienced sexual frustration! But I also know when to respect someone else's wishes and put my own primitive needs on the backburner. You seem to confuse sex and love.

No I don't - don't make such judgements based on what I'm saying in a discussion.

Also, see my above (2) posts which probably spell out the best compromise for both parties involved.

D2J

05-09-2005, 20:47

Get a room you two :roll:

:P

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 20:52

Originally posted by t020
No I don't - don't make such judgements based on what I'm saying in a discussion.

Also, see my above (2) posts which probably spell out the best compromise for both parties involved.

Maybe the best compromise would be for the person with the higher sex drive to just take care of themselves rather than pushing their partner into sexual activity they don't want (sex isn't just intercourse).

You said that you would feel rejected by someone you love resisting your sexual advances. I am not sure why, they are not saying they don't love you, they are just saying they don't want to have sex with you right now. That's why I thought you were confusing sex and love. As long as the love is still there then the quantity of the sex shouldn't matter.

t020

05-09-2005, 20:55

Originally posted by banesmabes
Maybe the best compromise would be for the person with the higher sex drive to just take care of themselves rather than pushing their partner into sexual activity they don't want (sex isn't just intercourse).

You said that you would feel rejected by someone you love resisting your sexual advances. I am not sure why, they are not saying they don't love you, they are just saying they don't want to have sex with you right now. That's why I thought you were confusing sex and love. As long as the love is still there then the quantity of the sex shouldn't matter.

But it does matter. It's a basic human need, no matter how sophisticated we like to think of ourselves, and it is really up to our partners to meet that need. I think my above compromise is the best solution to the situation, rather than the person with the higher sex drive always losing out and ultimately feeling neglected and unsatisfied.

royjames

05-09-2005, 20:58

If your partner does not have the same sex drive as you it can cause problems in the relationship.
I was in this kind of relationship and it failed due to the difference in sex drive,it was fine at first but when it all settles down you find if they really have the same needs as you do,if not then its hard to deal with.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 21:01

Originally posted by t020
But it does matter. It's a basic human need, no matter how sophisticated we like to think of ourselves, and it is really up to our partners to meet that need. I think my above compromise is the best solution to the situation, rather than the person with the higher sex drive always losing out and ultimately feeling neglected and unsatisfied.

You still haven't answered my question about how you would feel about having sex with someone who you know is only doing it as a compromise rather than because they want to. Can you honestly say it would make you feel good? Wouldn't there be just a bit of guilt there?

No one has an obligation to provide their partners with sex.

t020

05-09-2005, 21:03

Originally posted by banesmabes
You still haven't answered my question about how you would feel about having sex with someone who you know is only doing it as a compromise rather than because they want to. Can you honestly say it would make you feel good? Wouldn't there be just a bit of guilt there?

No one has an obligation to provide their partners with sex.

No, after thinking about it it wouldn't... hence why I amended the compromise from frequency to... activity. Let's face it, you don't have to be in the mood at all to give your partner satisfaction through other means. And if you want to keep your partner satisfied and happy then surely it's worth doing, if the lack of sex becomes an issue?

royjames

05-09-2005, 21:10

I think if the partner cant be botherd to releive their other half then they cant be that botherd about the person.
5 mins is hardly going to break the bank is it?

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 21:12

Originally posted by t020
No, after thinking about it it wouldn't... hence why I amended the compromise from frequency to... activity. Let's face it, you don't have to be in the mood at all to give your partner satisfaction through other means. And if you want to keep your partner satisfied and happy then surely it's worth doing, if the lack of sex becomes an issue?

But again, sex isn't just intercourse. Would you still find the 'other' activities satisfying if you again knew that your partner didn't really want to be doing it? And I disagree, I think you DO have to be in the mood to partake in any sexual activity - you're only betraying yourself if you think you can detatch yourself like that.

I would hardly describe a couple having sex once a week as having a 'lack' of sex in their relationship. A 'lack' of sex is once in a blue moon or never.

t020

05-09-2005, 21:14

Originally posted by banesmabes
But again, sex isn't just intercourse. Would you still find the 'other' activities satisfying if you again knew that your partner didn't really want to be doing it? And I disagree, I think you DO have to be in the mood to partake in any sexual activity - you're only betraying yourself if you think you can detatch yourself like that.

I would hardly describe a couple having sex once a week as having a 'lack' of sex in their relationship. A 'lack' of sex is once in a blue moon or never.

Like roy says though, it's hardly putting yourself out is it? Are you worried about missing a bit of Coronation Street or something? If you wanted to keep your partner happy then a quick 5 min shufty when you're not in the mood but he/she is is hardly a big deal. Preferable to leaving him/her unsatisfied and unhappy, surely?

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 21:15

Originally posted by royjames
I think if the partner cant be botherd to releive their other half then they cant be that botherd about the person.
5 mins is hardly going to break the bank is it?

LOL - so does this mean that a lot of men can't be bothered about the women they sleep with?!? Or is it ok because it usually takes more than 5 minutes to satisfy a woman and therefore it is too much to ask?!? ;)

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 21:19

Originally posted by t020
Like roy says though, it's hardly putting yourself out is it? Are you worried about missing a bit of Coronation Street or something? If you wanted to keep your partner happy then a quick 5 min shufty when you're not in the mood but he/she is is hardly a big deal. Preferable to leaving him/her unsatisfied and unhappy, surely?

Preferable to the horny partner yes. And you avoided the question again - would it really feel right to you to know your partner doesn't really want to be doing that? Wouldn't it be preferable for the partner with the higher sex drive to actually try to find a way to make their partner WANT to engage in sexual activity with them by focusing on what THEY might like in the bedroom? I wonder how many people feign the traditional headache because they find most sexual activity with their partner to be completely 'unsatisfactory'.

royjames

05-09-2005, 21:19

Originally posted by banesmabes
LOL - so does this mean that a lot of men can't be bothered about the women they sleep with?!? Or is it ok because it usually takes more than 5 minutes to satisfy a woman and therefore it is too much to ask?!? ;)

He he that depends how good you are I think.;)

t020

05-09-2005, 21:22

Originally posted by banesmabes
Preferable to the horny partner yes. And you avoided the question again - would it really feel right to you to know your partner doesn't really want to be doing that? Wouldn't it be preferable for the partner with the higher sex drive to actually try to find a way to make their partner WANT to engage in sexual activity with them by focusing on what THEY might like in the bedroom? I wonder how many people feign the traditional headache because they find most sexual activity with their partner to be completely 'unsatisfactory'.

I didn't avoid the question - I said that you don't have to be in the mood to give a quick HJ, and no, I don't think it would feel wrong if they weren't in the mood. It's not full sex.

RE the second part of the post, yes that would be good too. Compromise comes from both sides and that's all I'm trying to get you to see, but you seem too blinkered to accept that and seem to basically want one way traffic in (apparently) your own favour.

banesmabes

05-09-2005, 21:28

I just feel that one partner compromising to solve one lot of fairly superficial problems can open up a whole load of more deep-seated problems in a relationship. It's just not worth it in the end. I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one!

BTW - I have never said that I am facing this particular predicament (I am not) - so I am not arguing for one way traffic in my favour.

skny

05-09-2005, 21:32

It seems wrong if there is such as huge difference..i fancy mrs skny 365 days of the year, even when she's hungover and sans warpaint..if i thought I fancied her 7 times more then she fancied me....trouble

t020

05-09-2005, 21:34

Originally posted by banesmabes
I just feel that one partner compromising to solve one lot of fairly superficial problems can open up a whole load of more deep-seated problems in a relationship. It's just not worth it in the end. I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one!

So do I... compromising is 2 way.

Old_Bloke

05-09-2005, 22:01

Originally posted by intooblivion
[B]NO! men just generally are not interested anymore.

Hehe, so maybe it was just one bloke for me. But ALL my friends with boyfriends are having the same problems. Men just don't care about sex anymore. Guess one night stands men probably try harder...or at the beginning of the relationship. Couple of months down men claim they just like it once a week. Not good enough guys.

TRUE TRUE TRUE

It's simple: you've obviously not been meeting the right guys!! There are plenty of us out there who have higher sex drives which don't diminish over time. In fact, the more I get to know, respect and love someone, the more meaningful the sex becomes and the more I want to experience that closeness and connection. But maybe that's just me...

Kry10

06-09-2005, 00:53

I'd be happy with anything, cuddles, kisses, sex, anything, but, after 12 years of marriage, things have gone downhill faster than a manic depressed lemming on skates.......

I can relate to what medusa is saying, I might be going through the same thing myself in the not too distant future, things have to be sorted first, but, it is very scary and I am in two minds about it......

I have to keep reminding myself that it is for the better though.

(If no one knows what I mean, read what medusa has been going on about, it might shed some light on my rantings)

banesmabes

06-09-2005, 07:28

Originally posted by t020
So do I... compromising is 2 way.

Yes - but when the thing you are compromising on is so superficial it doesn't seem worth it. Why make your partner feel used and unrespected for the sake of sex?!?

If someone really thinks that is acceptable then I think they really need to take a long hard look at their priorities.

intooblivion

06-09-2005, 09:18

But surely if you 'fancy' your partner and find them attractive then sex drive has nothing to do with this because they will turn you on!!!???

medusa

06-09-2005, 11:52

Originally posted by Kry10
I'd be happy with anything, cuddles, kisses, sex, anything, but, after 12 years of marriage, things have gone downhill faster than a manic depressed lemming on skates.......

I can relate to what medusa is saying, I might be going through the same thing myself in the not too distant future, things have to be sorted first, but, it is very scary and I am in two minds about it......

Kry10, you have my sympathy. It took me a long time to come to the decision that the only way to protect my own mental and emotional health was to stop being open to the level of abuse and loneliness that the withdrawal of affection causes.

It's taken even longer (and I'm still working on it) to justify to myself that I'm worth making this decision for, and part of why I doubt my own worth is specifically because of this level of rejection. A truly vicious circle- and somehow you have to get off it, before your descent becomes dangerous.

Thankfully, after talks with my husband he understands how untenable our situation has become. The part of him that still cares for me finds it hard coping with the knowledge of how unhappy he has made me, and doesn't want this to continue either, so we are more amicable in our split than we have been in years of marriage.

You can change certain things about your marriage, but there are things that need cooperation and dedication from both you and your spouse. You can't accept responsibility for their actions- and if they refuse to participate in your marriage you are left only with a choice- accept their way, or don't accept it.

It's a horrible decision to take, but that shouldn't stop you from taking it. Both of you could have future happiness with other partners, but you have to go through the awful to find the good.

I wish you luck and strength on finding the right path for you through your troubles.

t020

06-09-2005, 12:01

Originally posted by banesmabes
Yes - but when the thing you are compromising on is so superficial it doesn't seem worth it. Why make your partner feel used and unrespected for the sake of sex?!?

If someone really thinks that is acceptable then I think they really need to take a long hard look at their priorities.

But likewise if someone thinks it's acceptable to let their partner be frustrated, unhappy and unsatisfied rather than giving them some *attention* (not necessarily full sex remember) then they should take a long hard look at their priorities.

intooblivion

06-09-2005, 12:09

Exactly, just because they 'don't feel like it' doesn't mean they should leave you feeling rejected. Nor does it mean that they are being used. It's important and necessary to respond to the needs of your partner I think (so long as they don't want blow jobs 5 times a day, haha)

Originally posted by t020

But likewise if someone thinks it's acceptable to let their partner be frustrated, unhappy and unsatisfied rather than giving them some *attention* (not necessarily full sex remember) then they should take a long hard look at their priorities.

ZEDEX48K

06-09-2005, 13:24

I just love to SHAG!!! I love it!

Lea1979

06-09-2005, 13:31

Originally posted by ZEDEX48K
I just love to SHAG!!! I love it!

best post i've read all week !! straight to the point !!
don't bother analysing sex, just do it or don't !

:clap:

Lea x

ANGELUS

06-09-2005, 15:36

People need to realise- sex aint the be all and end all in a relationship I reckon :)

I've come to realise this from the age of 15 when I was totally obsessed with getting my end away- back to the present time at the ripe old age of 26.. sex is great fun, dont get me wrong and I love it dearly.. but its not everything in a relationship.

If a bloke goes off it for a while, it could be a variety of things- they may be ill, worrying about something, just plain tired- anything like that really.

*Turbo*

06-09-2005, 15:44

Originally posted by ZEDEX48K
I just love to SHAG!!! I love it!

I second that. Just need a woman!

ZEDEX48K

06-09-2005, 16:01

Originally posted by RobT
I second that. Just need a woman!

I have one and do in loads of ways!!!!

banesmabes

06-09-2005, 20:20

Originally posted by intooblivion
But surely if you 'fancy' your partner and find them attractive then sex drive has nothing to do with this because they will turn you on!!!???

So if you fancy someone then you must want to shag them 24/7? That just doesn't make sense. Some people have higher sex drives than others. To me fancying someone is about so much more than sex - it's mainly about spending time with them, enjoying their company, perhaps falling in love with them. Sex is only a small part of it.

banesmabes

06-09-2005, 20:25

Originally posted by t020
But likewise if someone thinks it's acceptable to let their partner be frustrated, unhappy and unsatisfied rather than giving them some *attention* (not necessarily full sex remember) then they should take a long hard look at their priorities.

Again, I think we need to agree to disagree on this. I can't understand how someone going without sex for a few days can possibly be comparable to someone feeling pressured into sex when they don't want to do it. And by sex, I don't just mean intercourse - other sexual activities are also sex, I would feel just as disrespected by a man pressuring me into giving him a hand job when I didn't want to as someone pressuring me into full sex. Frustration and being unsatisfied are nothing compared to feeling degraded, used and disrespected.

I don't see that there's anything wrong with not having sex at the top of your list of priorities, like I said, it's such a superficial thing - but maybe that's just me. I like the value the person I am with more than I value sex.

t020

06-09-2005, 21:43

Originally posted by banesmabes
Again, I think we need to agree to disagree on this. I can't understand how someone going without sex for a few days can possibly be comparable to someone feeling pressured into sex when they don't want to do it. And by sex, I don't just mean intercourse - other sexual activities are also sex, I would feel just as disrespected by a man pressuring me into giving him a hand job when I didn't want to as someone pressuring me into full sex. Frustration and being unsatisfied are nothing compared to feeling degraded, used and disrespected.

I don't see that there's anything wrong with not having sex at the top of your list of priorities, like I said, it's such a superficial thing - but maybe that's just me. I like the value the person I am with more than I value sex.

So do I, but sex is still an important part of a relationship. In denying the partner with the higher sex drive, the person is making sex into an issue. I can't imagine ever feeling degraded if my partner requested more.. satisfaction. In fact I'd be more than happy to deliver.

intooblivion

07-09-2005, 10:23

scottf

07-09-2005, 10:39

Originally posted by banesmabes
So if you fancy someone then you must want to shag them 24/7? That just doesn't make sense. Some people have higher sex drives than others. To me fancying someone is about so much more than sex - it's mainly about spending time with them, enjoying their company, perhaps falling in love with them. Sex is only a small part of it.

I agree with most of that apart from the last part, sex is a very large part of a relationship for most people and sometimes one of the most important parts, it confirms your love and sometimes even holds you together when things are bad, i agree with you when you say there is lots of other things but sex is not a small part of it in my eyes :D

nick2

07-09-2005, 10:39

Originally posted by t020
I can't imagine ever feeling degraded if my partner requested more.. satisfaction. In fact I'd be more than happy to deliver.

Even if she didn't give a toss whether or not you enjoyed it ?

willman

07-09-2005, 11:10

Originally posted by t020
So do I, but sex is still an important part of a relationship. In denying the partner with the higher sex drive, the person is making sex into an issue. I can't imagine ever feeling degraded if my partner requested more.. satisfaction. In fact I'd be more than happy to deliver.

surely by demanding something the other doesn't want to give your making sex an issue.
what happens if she were to refuse?
it's a good job women can fake it , particularly if they don't want it.

banesmabes

07-09-2005, 15:18

Maybe the partner with the higher sex drive needs to think about exactly why their partner doesn't want to make love as much as they do. They may have a lower sex drive because they don't find the sex they have to be particularly satisfying - so where is the incentive to do it more often? Then you get into a viscious cycle where if you give in to the pressure for sex, you are doing something you're not really wanting to do, not giving your all, and with a partner who is obviously pre-occupied with their own sexual satisfaction - so it will only re-inforce the old dissatisfaction.

So perhaps it is down to the partner who wants more sex to actually make it as enjoyable as possible for their partner so that in turn they want sex more often - that makes sense to me. Don't just go around moaning about not getting it as often as you like - actually think about what your partner is going to get out of it and make them actually WANT to sleep with you more often!

And sometimes people are just tired - accept it. Maybe your partner wants sex to be special between you and they don't think that will happen when they’re just not in the mood. Maybe they just don’t want sex to be routine and boring.