I feel that sharing your writing with people is like sharing a piece of your soul, it's very intimate. :)

This is a very rough first draft and much of the story is still in the ideas stage. I know my grammar and punctuation is far from perfect so I welcome any corrections... I won't be offended!

Please not also that this is just the beginning of a novel I'm working on so it won't be as satisfying as reading a completed story but please read it anyway as I would really love some feedback.

Okay enough stalling, here it is...

An angel to watch over me. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1269882854.docx) - Word 2007 Docx. file

An angel to watch over me. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1269892106.doc) - Word 2003 doc. file

Hi Shaz. Yes I can read it now.

Mantaspook :help:

GL NOTE

Try these links.

An angel to watch over me. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1269882854.docx) - Word 2007 Docx. file

An angel to watch over me. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1269892106.doc) - Word 2003 doc. file

Hi Shaz. Yes I can read it now.

Honest opinion? I won't be offended. ;)

Hi Shaz. Don't despair, you will get some feedback eventually.

Ron is right Shaz, I will try and get time to read over the weekend.
Putting time into perspective, I’m still waiting for comments on my Christmas tale. :suspect:

Ron is right Shaz, I will try and get time to read over the weekend.
Putting time into perspective, I’m still waiting for comments on my Christmas tale. :suspect:

Haha, I can take a hint ;), I found your story and have left a reply. :)

Well Shaz, I half expected a Kung-fu story, something on the lines of ‘The magnificent seven’, but this is excellent, and I’m puzzled, how come you joined the forum in 2005 but this is your first story. You have quite a talent there and it should be nurtured.
The story so far has lots of potential and I just hope I’m to see the finished article; it’s a bit too good for me to offer advice on so you will just have to wait for Mantas or Ron to comment.
Great stuff Shaz. :thumbsup:

Well Shaz, I half expected a Kung-fu story, something on the lines of ‘The magnificent seven’, but this is excellent, and I’m puzzled, how come you joined the forum in 2005 but this is your first story. You have quite a talent there and it should be nurtured.
The story so far has lots of potential and I just hope I’m to see the finished article; it’s a bit too good for me to offer advice on so you will just have to wait for Mantas or Ron to comment.
Great stuff Shaz. :thumbsup:

Thanks man, it doesn't come that easily to me, I often write a couple of pages and then read it back later on and think it's total rubbish, then have to do it all over.

I only started getting into writing about two and a half years ago, and even then I wasn't taking it seriously. I was going through a hard time and started a diary, which is what got me into writing in the first place. It was only when a couple of people told me I had something worth pursuing that I thought I'd give it a real go. I'm still not that disciplined with my schedule but I'm hoping I can finish this story by next year.

I know why you thought I'd be writing a kung fu story, it's because of this thread (http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=255415) isn't it? :hihi: Well I soon realised my idea for that story was a little too epic for a newb and decided to put it on a back-burner for a few years, until I'm a bit more experienced. I know I couldn't do it justice at the minute.

Hi Shaz, I’m just emerging from hibernation to post a few thoughts since you haven’t had much feedback so far. I’ve only had a quick skim through but I saw some great potential. I’m still a learner at this writing business myself, so I’ll mention the main thing that struck me as a reader: I found it frustrating that I couldn’t follow one character or one situation. No sooner was I introduced to someone than I was taken away from them and introduced to someone else. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be rooting for.

It may sound mad, but I’m not sure it’s worth worrying about detailed critiques at this stage, though. You can obviously write, even if it needs some polishing yet, so how about simply pressing on to get the whole story written, then going back and re-writing once you’ve seen which theme or character has taken the lead?

I’ve been told it’s quite common for newbies (among whom I include myself) to “write their way in” to a story. That’s certainly what’s happened with my own novel-in-progress. I’m nowhere near the end yet but I can already see that my first chapter is irrelevant. I’ve gone over it countless times to make it sound the best I can and I realise now I’ve just been procrastinating – polishing the opening instead of getting on with writing the rest. I shall probably simply miss that chapter out completely and my story won’t suffer for it. Far better to get to the end and worry about the details on the re-write.

Just my humble opinion, though it is advice I’ve heard from several sources now! I hope it might be of some use to you :).

Nice to hear from you Sauerkraut, I hope you enjoyed the hibernation.
An interesting comment and I think I get your drift, but could you or anyone else expand on “write their way in to a story”. I assume it means one starts at the beginning and just plows their way through, making the story up as they go. Yes, No?

Hi coyleys & thanks. Hibernating makes one a bit befuddled so please bear with me if I'm not making much sense ;)

As for "writing yourself into the story," I take that to mean the writer using the opening pages (or paragraphs) to warm up. Finding their feet, so to speak, before the story properly gets going. So it's not quite the same as making it up as you go along (i.e. without having an outline beforehand), but more about writing for a while before you realise where the story actually starts.

Don't know if that helps or not...:|

Hi Shaz.

Very good show for posting your chapters. I knew you’d get some feedback eventually!

I’ve never written a novel, so I can’t comment on SK’s advice on how to write one. But I have read some novels, so I will give you my comments from an individual reader’s perspective.

Unfortunately, this individual reader doesn’t like fantasy fiction, so when I came across names like Kaen, Jika and Seia, I have to admit I groaned. But then I said to myself: “Shaz has taken the trouble to read my story, so I will persevere.” And I did persevere. And eventually after reading it three times it grew on me, and I thought to myself: “maybe there is something in this fantasy malarkey after all.” So, it is possible that I am now converted, and that Shaz112 has succeeded, where Terry Pratchett has failed. In some ways your story reminded of the book ‘Let the Right One In’, which became a successful film, so maybe ‘An Angel to Watch over Me’ will also top the box office ratings at some time in the future.

Starting with the narrative, I thought it was good in places, but a bit patchy in others. I really liked ‘people coated the pavement’, ‘damming the river of grief’ and the paragraph with the rickety bus. All great stuff. But some phrases seemed unnecessary e.g. ‘like a confederate at an interracial wedding’, and some just didn’t seem quite right e.g. ‘an aura like a physical blow’. But if SK is right, then you shouldn’t worry about it too much at this stage. On the other hand, these are the chapters you will probably be sending to agents.

I noticed one key moment where the pace needs attention. Avery’s first soul-sucking victim seemed to come out of the blue. Personally, I think you need to build more atmosphere and tension before that happens. Presumably that will be the first exciting scene in the film-version, where we are left in no doubt that Avery is a baddie, so maybe it’s worth thinking how a film director might build the tension leading up to it. Perhaps the setting for that scene needs to be a bit more interesting too.

Like Sauerkraut, I didn’t get a strong feel for the characters, which may be due to the ‘jumping around’ that was noted. I’m quite happy for characters to build up slowly, and I’m resigned to the fact that novels jump around a lot, but perhaps you could have done more to show (not tell) us what the main characters are like. I think this is one aspect where short stories might help you to hone your skills. For a good example see SK’s story ‘Janet Goes Nuts’ (which, incidentally, I’m surprised didn’t make it into Mantaspook’s top 10!). I think you also need to be careful how you portray Avery’s prejudice against the Chinese take-away owners.

You use some traditional fantasy-like words, such as ethereal, life-force and mortal, which help to create a consistent fantasy feel. But what’s with the American words like mom, snicker and dammit? Does Jika go on to kick someone’s butt later on? This would be fine, except elsewhere you use mum and snigger, so I think there’s a US/UK consistency issue there.

I loved the overall idea, which I interpreted as a Good v Evil story, so I'm really hoping there are some juicy fights between Avery and Jika later on. I think the plot also gives you a vehicle for imparting your own perspective on the meaning of life, so if you happen to know the meaning of life then here is your chance to pass it on. In any case, I am hooked now and I would definitely like to read the rest.

Thanks for posting and good luck with it.

Nice to hear from you Sauerkraut, I hope you enjoyed the hibernation.
An interesting comment and I think I get your drift, but could you or anyone else expand on “write their way in to a story”. I assume it means one starts at the beginning and just plows their way through, making the story up as they go. Yes, No?

Hi Coyleys,

Yes, nice to hear from SK again.

When I write a story I try to spend time thinking about plot, characters, settings and structure. But once I've finished a first draft, any or all of those things may change. So in that sense I think there is a balance to be achieved between planning and actually writing.

Thank you sauerkraut and Ron Blanco. I understand the points you've both made and I'll take it all in account and use it during the polishing stages. I think I'm just going to concentrate on getting the storyline down and finished, and then I can play around with it to see what needs changing.

I know what you mean Ron, about the US/UK inconsistency; that came around because I originally set the story in the US, but then changed it, deciding it would be better to use what I know and to set it in the UK.

Sauerkraut - I think you're right about the constant character changing and I'll most likely swap some of the chapters around once I've finished, and make it easier to get into.

Thanks guys. :)

... I’m nowhere near the end yet but I can already see that my first chapter is irrelevant.

Sauerkraut, surely we should be the judge of that? :D

About to download and read it now. Have written for TV but never a novel so not sure if any critique will be of use to you. Try getting the 'Story Mill' software (about £35.00) it is without doubt the most reasonably priced and comprehensive writing tool I have used. It has multi-level writing aids which will let you track characters, scenes, locations etc. It will also identify repeated text and phrases allow you to add notes whilst constantly checking accuracy of timeline.

Good luck

I loved it, I can't offer any feedback because it is far too perfect for me to comment on.

I loved it, I can't offer any feedback because it is far too perfect for me to comment on.

Thank you for taking the time to read it. :)

Well, you hate me, so I really wanted to equally loathe this *grins*, but sadly, it was very nicely written indeed.

You have a very descriptive style, and for (what I guess) is your first attempt at prose, it really does read very nicely. You have an easy style with some exceptionally descriptive imagery.

There's also a sadness to your writing, which is quite charming.

I'd ignore other people on the use of wording. No matter what anyone tells you, remember that YOU set the style for your work. Be individual and don't conform if you don't want to.

Do stick to US or UK English, though (preferably UK English).

Lastly, these chapters are very short for a novel. Are these just the edited parts?

Keep writing. Very nice stuff. I don't normally read the lot as it's easy to see someone's style but this was genuinely really nice.

See, look how NICE I can be?

I bet you don't attack me for 'jumping into this post at the 11th hour" :P

:)

Well, you hate me, so I really wanted to equally loathe this *grins*, but sadly, it was very nicely written indeed.

Well, actually, if you recall, I kind of waved the white flag by posting (hopefully helpful :hihi:) advice for you on your ebay thread the other day. ;) I don't hold grudges.


You have a very descriptive style, and for (what I guess) is your first attempt at prose, it really does read very nicely. You have an easy style with some exceptionally descriptive imagery.

There's also a sadness to your writing, which is quite charming.

I'd ignore other people on the use of wording. No matter what anyone tells you, remember that YOU set the style for your work. Be individual and don't conform if you don't want to.

Do stick to US or UK English, though (preferably UK English).

Lastly, these chapters are very short for a novel. Are these just the edited parts?

Keep writing. Very nice stuff. I don't normally read the lot as it's easy to see someone's style but this was genuinely really nice.

See, look how NICE I can be?

I bet you don't attack me for 'jumping into this post at the 11th hour" :P

:)

Thanks. I know the chapters are quite short. I think I'm going to get the whole story down and then probably merge some chapters together and move some around etc., so I'm not flitting back and forth too much.

Arguments and anger are generally a waste of time.

I'd like to read more of this :)