i have just posted a story i wrote about 1 yr ago - thinking of trying to write some more x make a conservative effort. hence would appreciate any feedback if people have the time to read.

hence view

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1268750392.doc

thanx

Paulie

Hi Shiatsuhead (No pun intended) welcome to the group.
A nice little story, a few typos, and I think a refresher course on ‘the world of commerce’, Erm… comma’s, may be an idea, other than that it was nicely written. The story line – although I have never visited this exotic land, and will take your word for it – may, under the present circumstances be frown upon by some readers. It had some nice descriptive paragraphs on the journey there, but none what’s-so-ever on the journey back to reality, which I feel is far more important, and so, I suggest a sad or bereaved ending to close the story.
Anyway, thanks for that Shiatsuhead, and enjoy the group.

Hi Paulie,

I read it and liked it. I thought it was vibrant and fun. The pace of the story was good and was helped by smooth-flowing sentences like this one:

"With a child like wonder there was a sense of hope in my bewildered gaze as I surveyed my surroundings."

but at times I thought was hampered by some sentences I found slightly awkward, like this one:

"Contemplating upon my quirky thoughts about being here in the first place I felt a new sense of confidence surpassing a tingling anxious feeling I had had. "

I liked the discovery of the special 'brick' which I thought was a pivotal moment of the story and grabbed my interest. The remainder was enjoyable, though the overall impact was perhaps wasted on me as I wasn't sure if I was missing the significance of the ending. I may just be slow.

Good stuff, yes definitely persevere. And if you stick around, join in and be patient, then I'm sure you will get some useful feedback here.