Is there 'some people' or just that 'some-one' that when you find them in your company you behave in a way you know is not really you...you know your actions/comments etc would never be necessary if you were elsewhere or in differant company??

I am a modest, helpful, humble character...I am all for peace and harmony in the world, I don't 'get off' on other folks misfortunes in the same way I congratulate anothers good luck...I don't do the 'woe is me' sympathy vote I always try to see my cup half full rather than half empty, I offer advice or my opinion but only if asked or needed but would not force it down your throat etc ...I am waffling...

My Example

My sister-in-law.....:rolleyes: she has never worked since marrying my brother (he is very like me BUT earns a very tidy income he's not a bragger, he's cool - I am proud of him and his achievements:))

They don't live locally so we only ever seem to meet up at special occasions etc but when we do she always makes what I can only describe as disparaging conversation...eg

She asks how much we have paid for stuff (I hate people who do that)

She is critical of my use of daycare for my kids whilst I am at work (she is at home 24/7)

She remarks when I have put weight on (but never when I have lost some) - she is slim.

She has 2 kids - 1 boy 1 girl I have 3 boys...everytime we meet she says 'what bad luck' :confused:

Obviously she is getting on my nerves....so when they went on holiday to Mexico without the children (her parents had them) I commented *at last* oh I could never leave the country without my kids...that's sooooo un-natural...*heart pounding* ...

she shut up....

but I know if it had been anyone else I would never have said that !!

I just hope this doesn't escalate to a family fall out at some stage as tension for me has been building over the years and I am getting to the age where I won't stand for it anymore but at the same time I don't feel comfortable treating her like she does me!!

Would appreciate your experiences/opinions!

:thumbsup:

To be honest, it sounds like you have the patience of a saint. One little remark that couldn't be taken as a direct put down after years of niggling and insulting comments is less than nothing, IMHO.

My mum is the absolute shining example of politeness, and was a shy 19 year old when she met my dad's 'outgoing' (sniping, ribbing, boastful) family.

I had an aunty who was always so full of boasting about what she had and how much it cost, although her husband ripped my family off years ago, and my dad had still helped them out with a tax bill. She was always looking at what everybody else had.

We got a dishwasher (there being four of us kids), and my mum was dreading seeing her - and the snobbishness that would follow.

Aunty started fishing - with a tale about picking up after her kids and there always being a used cup lying about somewhere, just after you'd washed up.

My mum dutifully ignored this drivvel for about half an hour before announcing in a loud voice to the assembled extended family 'you can't do that much running round Leah, or you wouldn't be that fat' (size 24+).

You should have seen the wine spray and hear the screeches of laughter!!!!! Everybody else had been dying to put her in her place, but we were all so shocked we hardly believed she'd said it!!



I hope your episode has no repercussions Shiesh ;)

I have one of those pleasant views on life that I shall not suffer a fool or anyone who through acts of inconsideration causes undue stress to someone else - which could possibly include myself. Hmmm....

If someone gets on my nerves then I tell them they are getting on my nerves. If I do not like someone then I tell them I do not like them. If someone says "Do I look nice in this dress" and it looks a complete mess then I will diplomatically tell them so.

I am prone to putting my feet in my mouth - but most of the time I am right so hey ho.

Dragon

Some people just don't seem to know they're doing it.

I have a college friend who moved away to another city when he went to uni and as we kept in close contact I got to meet a bunch of the new friends he made while there.

One guy could be perfectly fine until he made comments about material possessions and then he usually cut people to the bone and in the process rubbed myself and my college mates older friends up the wrong way something cronic.

On one occasion he asked someone how much they paid for a bottle of wine and then made them taste the bottle he had that was worth about five times as much (a fact he pointed out).

I'd had a few and laughingly reminded him of what he'd just done and the guy seemed genuinely shocked.

You seem to have taken her ill thought out comments for too long,
She is just trying to undermine your confidence, she may seem to have everything but is probably envious of your personality,
credit to you for putting up with it till now.
People who resort to this behaviour know exactly what they are saying but act innocent when confronted, so you can't win.
I'd leave it for awhile to see if she makes anything of it, if she does it may be she wants to cause a family rift.
I fell into a similar trap years ago defending my wife and the rift is still there 15 years later.
You've given her a taste of her own medicine, and even if it isn't how you are normally, enjoy the moment you deserve it.

Thanks everyone, I love my brother and do not wish to incite a family rift...but what I also should have added in this thread, but it was getting long and I didn't want to make it soooo big no-one took any interest is that...'I' was reprimanded by me Mam for the comment. She said it was 'obvious' I said it because I was envious of their holiday... :confused:

Me Mam sees it that 'I' am jealous that her parents look after her kids more than they can for me as her parents are retired...my parents are still in their 50's and are working!!!

This is untrue...I said it purely because it was a 'gateway' to have a 'dig' back at her....for her treatment to me past and present!

:mad:

Isn't it funny how some people are 'just accepted as they are' but if you act out of character..... :mad:

And isn't it interesting how people have a habit of turning any incident into an event in which they play the central part? :suspect:

:roll: families!

I work with a woman who I have dubbed Black Dog...cos if you have a black dog she has a blacker one...if you had a dog with two heads she would have a dog with three..
The sort of person who is always saying she has found the same exact item you just purchased but soooooooooo much cheaper..has been everyplace..has done everything...has done it before you...grrrrrr

Originally posted by Strix
Isn't it funny how some people are 'just accepted as they are' but if you act out of character..... :mad:

And isn't it interesting how people have a habit of turning any incident into an event in which they play the central part? :suspect:

:roll: families!

That is sooo true Strix...me Mam noticed me being 'arsey' and pulled me on it but has never noticed 'her' derogatory remarks in the past!!

Another thing is that she is 'ginger' and I told her to watch the new series of Catherine Tate....the first episode featured a never done sketch of a 'Ginger Refuge'....:hihi:
I didn't know.....

My regret when our families fell out was when i had the chance i did'nt talk things through.
It sounds easy now, years later, but at the time there was a lot of bitterness, things were said that should'nt have been said and it all reached the point of no return.
I don't think she is owed any kind of apology but could you explain your feelings to your brother and tell him why you finaly snapped?
just explain exactly what you've said here.
When the rest of our family got involved it got complicated.

Originally posted by Priscilla
I work with a woman who I have dubbed Black Dog...cos if you have a black dog she has a blacker one...if you had a dog with two heads she would have a dog with three..
The sort of person who is always saying she has found the same exact item you just purchased but soooooooooo much cheaper..has been everyplace..has done everything...has done it before you...grrrrrr

exactly Priscilla.....but when one of these kinda people are in your family what should you do??

I can't bear it any longer but then my own take up on life is not to 'be' one of these type of people what can I say to defend myself...I don't want to get on the ladder but don't want to feel 'put down' and 'made inferior' all the time either!!

I don't think she is a bully or anything because I don't feel she dislikes me - I just don't think she realises what she is saying -it's just the topic of conversation everytime we meet is one of 'materialism'... one of which I am not comfortable with..it isn't my way etc etc

She even said she declined a lunch with some friends because my brother needed his Merc for a meeting in the South and she doesn't like to go in her car...:confused:

I am on a differant level...but I don't want to be on hers either!!

Originally posted by Shiesh
Me Mam sees it that 'I' am jealous that her parents look after her kids more than they can for me as her parents are retired...my parents are still in their 50's and are working!!!
Isn't it funny how people tend to follow where they are led?

Confused?

Your Sis in law compares herself to you, and this leads your mam to compare herself to her equivalent in the other family ;)

Attitudes breed :( (that's why it's so important to be nice ;) )

Originally posted by Shiesh
She even said she declined a lunch with some friends because my brother needed his Merc for a meeting in the South and she doesn't like to go in her car...:confused:

I am on a differant level...but I don't want to be on hers either!!
Now there's a woman with real issues. She isn't confident in her own status (even amongst her friends) and she has you to compete with.

Poor lass :shakes:

:hihi:

Some people are just waiting for you to confront them. Then they shut up, I had a boss like that. He walked all over me, or so he thought until I told him to stuff it, He respected me afterwards.

Had a similar incident on my birthday last year. A few of us gals went out in Sheff for a quiet meal, with the exception of one, they ALL had a go at me for one thing or another, but the person who brings out the worst in me, got the phone call! I just asked her to do me a favour, and that what I was asking was not personal, nor did it change the way I felt about her, and that I would like it if she stopped questioning the way I bring up/ educate/speak to/heal my kids. It worked. To the point where she used exactly what I had said to illustrate a similar situation with some people she knew. Then I knew I had got to her.

Needless to say, there was no similar birthday celebration this year.

My parents... long story, but I'd be first in the que to give them a public flogging :- "Joel what are you doing wasting your time at uni, get a job you lazy *******" was one of the phrases coined by my dearest mother.

I've gotten very good at dealing with my temper, I have a very short rag, and its landed me in serious trouble a lot before, usually due to people.

Joel

Originally posted by Strix
Now there's a woman with real issues. She isn't confident in her own status (even amongst her friends) and she has you to compete with.

Poor lass :shakes:

:hihi:

But that is it..I don't do competing..it's not me!! But then acting up out of character to defend myself isn't me either...:confused:

I just wanna be me..:confused:

She feels she has to 'compete' with everybody! Look at her situation with her mates.

You have no angles to you and don't worry about such nonsense. How jealous she must be. I bet she cannot comprehend life as 'easy' as yours ;)

Originally posted by Shiesh
Is there 'some people' or just that 'some-one' that when you find them in your company you behave in a way you know is not really you...you know your actions/comments etc would never be necessary if you were elsewhere or in differant company??

I am a modest, helpful, humble character...I am all for peace and harmony in the world, I don't 'get off' on other folks misfortunes in the same way I congratulate anothers good luck...I don't do the 'woe is me' sympathy vote I always try to see my cup half full rather than half empty, I offer advice or my opinion but only if asked or needed but would not force it down your throat etc ...I am waffling...

My Example

My sister-in-law.....:rolleyes: she has never worked since marrying my brother (he is very like me BUT earns a very tidy income he's not a bragger, he's cool - I am proud of him and his achievements:))

They don't live locally so we only ever seem to meet up at special occasions etc but when we do she always makes what I can only describe as disparaging conversation...eg

She asks how much we have paid for stuff (I hate people who do that)

She is critical of my use of daycare for my kids whilst I am at work (she is at home 24/7)

She remarks when I have put weight on (but never when I have lost some) - she is slim.

She has 2 kids - 1 boy 1 girl I have 3 boys...everytime we meet she says 'what bad luck' :confused:

Obviously she is getting on my nerves....so when they went on holiday to Mexico without the children (her parents had them) I commented *at last* oh I could never leave the country without my kids...that's sooooo un-natural...*heart pounding* ...

she shut up....

but I know if it had been anyone else I would never have said that !!

I just hope this doesn't escalate to a family fall out at some stage as tension for me has been building over the years and I am getting to the age where I won't stand for it anymore but at the same time I don't feel comfortable treating her like she does me!!

Would appreciate your experiences/opinions!

:thumbsup: I reckon she's jealous of you. In my experience people who nit pick and critcize want the life you have and not their own. In their head they think you have a better life. They, for whatever reason, think you are better off so they try to pick apart your lifestyle to make themselves feel better. It is sad.

She probably wants to be you but she's at home wishing she had a job, envying the fact that you can buy your own things. I don't like people who are obsessed with how much everything costs either.

Don't play into her hands just smile and say 'I appreciate my children more because the time we spend together is quality time'

I would much rather buy something that feels like a bargain rather then spending loads and feeling ripped off, any day of the week!

:rolleyes:

yes my little sister whenever im around her i turn into this nasty spitefull thing. We both do its like we revert back to bein 14 or something and we get all spitefull and spoilt again its quiet scary actually. i love her though. :thumbsup:

Sheish you and your sister-in-law sound a bit like me and my sister-in-law!

The way she acted, some of the things she said used to really annoy and upset me. I never said anything back to her, anything I would have said would have sounded petty - so I used to have lots of built up frustration whenever we returned from visits.

But over the years I guess I've got used to it. And i've also seen another side of things.

She's the one who seems to have everything, both her and her husband have good jobs, both drive luxury cars, always have luxury holidays, and I always feel like a scruffy poor relation. No matter what I do I'm the fat, frumpy northerner compared to her. She's slim, wears designer clothes etc.

But, when we moved into a brand new house (which personally I didn't think was any better than her wonderful 4 storey victorian semi) she sold her house and bought a brand new house like ours (but bigger and better :suspect: ). When we bought a new car - she got one (bigger and better obviously)! When she visited a while ago, she made no comment on our decor, but when we were at hers a few months later she'd copied most of the things i'd done. I realised that for some strange reason, she feels she has to always go one better than us. Now, it doesn't upset me at all, it makes me laugh.

We've had a few 'girlie' chats and she has her share of problems and I think her materialism is her way of making things appear better than what they are. Sad really.

I don't know if you and your sister-in-law could go out together one evening and do a bit of 'female bonding', it worked for me because now, I don't get upset at all by some of the things she does and says, because I see that it's all a 'front'.