I am in abit of a dilema and dont really know what to do about it. Its starting to bother me now.

I have a step daughter who is almost 6 years old. She comes to us at weekends and has been for years. The problem is, she used to call me mum which she wanted to do and wasnt forced to do so and was fine by me, her dad and her nan (who she lives with). But recently her nan pulled us and told us this is now not acceptable and she must call me by my name. Which I wouldnt mind BUT my 2 year old has now decided to copy this and it really upsets and frustrates me when he does this.

So how are we ment to resolve this? :help: Any ideas would be appreciated.

I think children go through a phase of this anyway and you will find he reverts back to mummy/mum again. When I met my Husband he had a 2 year old, half sister (different Dad) and because she would hear my husband, his brother and sister call his Mum "Mum" (they were all a lot older) she started saying Mum instead of Mummy. She also sometimes called her Dad by his name as they obviously all did. She grew out of it quite quickly.

My son has gone through phases of calling me by my name too. I just make sure I say Mummy a lot so instead of "I" I will say Mummy. If you reinforce this a lot in the week when your step daughter isn't there this should help.

My son always calls me mum when she is not here. He still does if he is talking to me, but If she is refering to me he copies what she says. Its not often only now and again but its driving me mad. I hate it! Im his mum and he shouldnt know any different.

I don't think it's anything to worry about, my DD sometimes calls both me and her Daddy by our name. Usually, when she had heard us say the name in conversation. She's 3 1/2 and has being doing in on occasions for a while. I always say to her, that's not my name, I'm Mummy. Although she doesn't call me Mummy, she calls me Mama. I have no idea where that has come from?!

I always correct my son when he calls me by my name after coping her, but it causes friction because my step daughter dont know what to call me and my son is getting confused with me saying that is not me Im mummy. I would rather be at work than be at home as this is getting to me that much. I dont know whats up with me. Its probably nothing to some people but its something major to me

I was the step daughter in this scene a long long time ago - my younger half brother picked up the same thing of calling my step mum by her name when I was there. One thing I would say, is we realised he enjoyed the attention he got from calling his mum by her name and it wore off more once we started to ignore it. Then about four years old he understood that we had the same dad but different mums - it disappeared altogether.

Again I agree with other posters that it will soon pass and just to keep telling him your name is mummy.
Why all of a sudden has it become unacceptable for your step daughter to call you mum? If my step daughter (who is 8) had called me mum for some time and then Nan said that this was wrong I would want to know if it was daughters choice or nans.

Good luck and Im sure you will be mummy all the time very soon x

Again I agree with other posters that it will soon pass and just to keep telling him your name is mummy.
Why all of a sudden has it become unacceptable for your step daughter to call you mum? If my step daughter (who is 8) had called me mum for some time and then Nan said that this was wrong I would want to know if it was daughters choice or nans.

Good luck and Im sure you will be mummy all the time very soon x

The nan has all of a sudden become very difficult for some reason. We did mention to her that we wanted my OH daughter to live with us on a more perm basis since then she gone all funny. She is now not allowed to call me mummy because her nan doesnt like it and says she has a mum. Which is right she does have a person who gave birth to her but her 'mum' doesnt have anything to do with her she is more interested in drugs. I think the nan possibly sees me as a threat for some reason. The step daughter liked calling me mum (as it was her choice to start with) but is now not allowed. I just dont know what to do with the situation anymore

Seems as if the Nan is frightened of losing her to you. My step daugther also lives with granparents and sometimes it has felt as if there is a compition regarding best presents toys etc. I think it maybe worth while speaking to her and explain to her that you realise she has her birth mother but it is the child who has called you mum for a long time and explain that your not a threat in the sense that you would just take her away.

Its a very difficult subject and I can appreciate both sides. Nan has brought her up and Dad hasn't but then again its Dads daughter and you feel she should be with you and be part of your family in your home.

Maybe if your partner has a word rather than you?

Again Good Luck hun

Its along story but her Dad never knew about her until she was 2 as soon as he foun out we have had contact ever since. Its hard for him because he wishes she was with him rather than nan and cant believe the mum would of just let her end up in care or something.

Thankyou for your help and advice tho :)

I would rather be at work than be at home as this is getting to me that much. I dont know whats up with me. Its probably nothing to some people but its something major to me

Maybe because you're pregnant you are feeling more sensitive to the issue too. When I was pregnant I was a lot more sensitive to things.

I think even without your step daughter calling you by your name, your son might go through this phase. It seems very common for children to go through phases of calling their parents by their name. There was another thread about it only a week or so ago. They hear other people calling us by our names all the time so they are bound to experiment with this at some time or another. Don't make a big deal out of it and it will pass. :)

No one calls me by my name infront of my son except my step daughter. My son has never called me by this until now. It could be my homemones but Im not convinced

I appreciate that this is happening due to your step daughter calling you by your name but what I am saying is that most parents find that this happens at some point anyway. If you don't make a big deal out of it and continue to reinforce that your name is Mummy/Mum without actually drawing attention to him calling you by your name then it will probably stop over time.

I understand you being upset over the situation with your step daughter but I think there are much worse things that could happen than your son calling you by your name occasionally. My son has a habit of calling me Mama (a friend calls her mum this) which I hate but it's not the end of the world. Sometimes I will pretend I haven't heard him and then he will call me Mummy again.

Good luck with things anyway.

My name is Georgina. Family tend to call me George. My son, who is 2, has an obsession with Peppa pigs little brother - George pig. Guess what I get called when family/friends are around? :) It annoys me - to the point I scream and rant and rave at people who tell him to call it me more often. I, to a point, understand how you feel. But with everything else going on aswell (nan telling step daughter not to call you mum etc) I think your maybe focusing on what your sons doing to much, to try and 'forget' about what nan has done, if that makes sense? Try to ride it out - you'll more than likely go back to mum/mummy soon enough - my son goes through days when ill be Pig, then the day after i'll be George, and the day after im mummy again. Good luck with everything xxx

It's bad that the nan is making the girl feel uncomfortable about what to call you as her stepmum, esp as she wanted to call you mummy herself. I can remember feeling a bit embarrassed about it when I was a kid although I was a bit older. It settled down in the end as stepma or ma for short, and my mother was always mummy and then mum anyway.

My stepsisters called her mamma so it wasn't that different and they called my mother, muvva. It worked ok for us because the names were a bit different from what you'd normally call your mother, and me being a boy, it didn't seem odd.

I hope you can work it out with the nan and the birth mother, because it's sort of quite important to a kid.

The birth mother doesnt have contact with the child which is sa really seen has she is only 2 minutes awayfrom where we live. If my OH bumps into the mother, the mother would rather ask how I am etc than her own daughter! She is just not at all interested. I feel for the little girl because to me she is wanting someone to call mum just to be abit normal for her and she is getting this denied. Which I feel is so unfair. I just hate the whole situation at the moment.

Its the nan that is causing the problems in my eyes, its her way or no way basically thats what she is trying to do. She even had ago at us for buying her clothes and stuff when we took her away with us to Skegvegas for a week last year. I mean come on, If her dad wants to buy her stuff why shouldnt he be allowed too?

I really dont know what to say or suggest for you. If it was me, id be telling the nan to back the F off, but im a gobby cow. Good luck with everything,and maybe try to get OH to say something to the nan on your behalf? x

Im a gobby cow too and when she told me I wasnt the childs mother and couldnt buy her shoes I told her where to go. I told her if I wanted to buy ANY child anything I woul and I certainly would not leave a child out when we are all away on holiday together.
Me and the nan did have a row about it all. The nan chose to do it at the childs birthay party and I told her I wasnt discusing it there as it was not the right time or place and she didnt like it just kept trying to shout in my face.

Its not my argument its my OH and hers but me OH just agrees sometimes for an easier life. He did tell the nan though If he wanted to buy his own daughter something he would without going to her for permission first! (he actually grew balls here :) )

It doesnt sound like the nan may be a little ashamed of her daughter too, you've got to think she could be saying it completely out of spite, she could be saying it cause she would rather the child think of her as a surrogate mother....OR it could be that her nan realises that he daughters disowned the grandchild and is ashamed and possibly doesnt want to be pushed out because of her daughters mistakes...

If i was you i would just say the Nan that you really care about your stepdaughter, she chose to call you mum and you dont like the pressure it is putting on your stepdaughter or you. Discuss it with her and let her know that you dont want arguements you dont want things to be difficult you just want the stepdaughter to have as much of a normal childhood as possible and if the nan really cares about her grandchild she will listen to you and get rid of the bad temper.

My step daughter is now really starting to play up for her nan on a regular basis an I think this is the step daughters way of trying to tell us she is not happy. I have tried to sit her down and talk to her about things but she was getting alittle confused and I think she feels as though we are telling her off. I think she is struggling with alot at the moment and is unhappy. He nan has a boyfriend now and I think she may feel pushed out by this. Also she doesnt live with us like her brother and I think this could also be an issue. Also she is saying she doesnt like school so Im wondering if there are problems there too. I dont mean problems where the school is involved I think maybe shes struggling with school or friends etc. I just dont know where else to go with things. Im unsure how to get her to open up to the truth of her behaviour. (if there is any truth or if she is being a child).
Help :help: this situation just gets better

Personally I'd ask the children to call me 'Mum'
And I'd start calling the inlaw 'Mrs Smith' or whatever.

Personally I'd ask the children to call me 'Mum'
And I'd start calling the inlaw 'Mrs Smith' or whatever.

do you mean get the child to call her nan mum?

I think she means call you Mum and you to call her Nan by her name rather than "your Nan". I think that would be petty and not in the best interests of the child. It's unfair of her Nan to tell her she can't call you Mum. That should be the child's decision but there's no point in doing the same thing back. The best thing you can do for your step daughter is be there for her when she needs you and be the civil grown up one in communications with her Nan.

thanks Corybn. Yes, Giggles, I meant for the child to call you Mum.
Let the child call her Nan by her name or nana Fran or what ever.
And you call your inlaw by her proper name - just to get your point across for a while.

My step daughter is now really starting to play up for her nan on a regular basis an I think this is the step daughters way of trying to tell us she is not happy. I have tried to sit her down and talk to her about things but she was getting alittle confused and I think she feels as though we are telling her off. I think she is struggling with alot at the moment and is unhappy. He nan has a boyfriend now and I think she may feel pushed out by this. Also she doesnt live with us like her brother and I think this could also be an issue. Also she is saying she doesnt like school so Im wondering if there are problems there too. I dont mean problems where the school is involved I think maybe shes struggling with school or friends etc. I just dont know where else to go with things. Im unsure how to get her to open up to the truth of her behaviour. (if there is any truth or if she is being a child).
Help :help: this situation just gets better

I think the only thing you can do is let her know that you are there to support her if she needs you. Maybe you could ask her to write down or even draw things that are upsetting her if she feels unable to tell you. With regards to school, perhaps if you ask if there is anything you can do to make things easier for her, her answer may give away what some of the problems are. Good luck.

Is there no chance of her father getting custody of her full time? It'd obviously be better for the child to be living with her father and brother, and you, than living with a grandmother, who presumably is a middle aged or older person. I appreciate that she's been there in time of need, but eventually she'll have to give up. Might as well be sooner rather than later. I know I probably sound harsh, but I'm looking at it realistically.

The little girl can always go and stay overnight occasionally, it's not like you'd be cutting off all contact, after all.

She did say afew times she wanted to call me mummy but her nan wont allow her too and she gets told off by her nan so how are we ment to deal with this? Also her nan is trying to get my son to call her nan when she is NOTHING to do with my son :rant: and I make sure my son knows that!
I think she should be allowed to call me mum if thats what she wants (would also be easier for my little boy and less confusing for him) but Im not able to make that choice!

Corbyn - Your idea is a great idea to get her to open up. She was just saying lots of different things about what was upsetting her and then kept changing her mind so maybe your idea would work. Normally I would of maybe tried something like this and we did all paint earlier to try and get her to open up but she doesnt have no imagination or anything an was just painting the whole piece of paper. I think this little girl is very troubled because she has alot going on and I want to help her and dont know how or the best way :(

Is there no chance of her father getting custody of her full time? It'd obviously be better for the child to be living with her father and brother, and you, than living with a grandmother, who presumably is a middle aged or older person. I appreciate that she's been there in time of need, but eventually she'll have to give up. Might as well be sooner rather than later. I know I probably sound harsh, but I'm looking at it realistically.

The little girl can always go and stay overnight occasionally, it's not like you'd be cutting off all contact, after all.

This is my point exactly. Father doesnt want to interupt her life and I think hes a little worried that she would be better off at her nans. We have always said her nan could still have contact and things but her nan just doesnt want to play ball kind of thing. I think her nan is getting fostering alloence for her and doesnt want to give that up more than anything as thats her income for her morgage if that makes sense

This is my point exactly. Father doesnt want to interupt her life and I think hes a little worried that she would be better off at her nans. We have always said her nan could still have contact and things but her nan just doesnt want to play ball kind of thing. I think her nan is getting fostering alloence for her and doesnt want to give that up more than anything as thats her income for her morgage if that makes senseIt's not really what's best for the grandmother, it's what's best for the child, surely? She should be able to see and accept that it'd be better for her granddaughter to have a more 'normal' lifestyle with her natural father, his partner and her sibling.

The other thing you've posted about, which I'm going to be cheeky here and pass comment on. As far as your little son calling her nan, would it really be a bad thing? Anything that helps family solidarity should be a good thing. If she felt that you were happy to involve her in 'your' part of the family, she might not be so defensive. A friend with children married someone with two children and the two families just meshed together, with the various relatives all treating all the children as the same. No-one feels the odd one out or sidelined then.

Provided it's not going to upset the other two grandmothers, it might be worth considering. You can never have too many nannas! x

It's not really what's best for the grandmother, it's what's best for the child, surely? She should be able to see and accept that it'd be better for her granddaughter to have a more 'normal' lifestyle with her natural father, his partner and her sibling.

The other thing you've posted about, which I'm going to be cheeky here and pass comment on. As far as your little son calling her nan, would it really be a bad thing? Anything that helps family solidarity should be a good thing. If she felt that you were happy to involve her in 'your' part of the family, she might not be so defensive. A friend with children married someone with two children and the two families just meshed together, with the various relatives all treating all the children as the same. No-one feels the odd one out or sidelined then.

Provided it's not going to upset the other two grandmothers, it might be worth considering. You can never have too many nannas! x

At first we didnt mind this happening but then when she went all funny about the child calling me this that and the other we put a stop to it (abit of tit for tat I know) but also it was getting confusing for my child because he already has alot of nans and things. Its just a difficult situation really.

see a solicitor?

it sounds as if nan has got some form of special gaurdianship with you mentioning fostering allowence and if this is the case im presuming social services have had some sort of intervention. Dad would have probably either been assessed or not aware of the situation and so it is very hard to reverse as social services don't wait for dad to get "settled" they have to make sure the child is placed somewhere quickly and they will (or should have) assessed nan as a perminant carer. Seek legal advice.

my partners child was removed from mums care my partner was unable to care for her as he was ill but now he is in a stable relationship, we have a daughter and his illness is under control we wouldn't be able to have my stepdaughter full time as as the special gaurdianship has already been awarded and unless the child was ill treated etc a court wouldn't rule in our favour.

my stepdaughter is however happy and we have regular contact etc.

Does your other half have PR? If not this again can make the situation tricky. Seek legal advice the first consultation should be free.

Good luck

it sounds as if nan has got some form of special gaurdianship with you mentioning fostering allowence and if this is the case im presuming social services have had some sort of intervention. Dad would have probably either been assessed or not aware of the situation and so it is very hard to reverse as social services don't wait for dad to get "settled" they have to make sure the child is placed somewhere quickly and they will (or should have) assessed nan as a perminant carer. Seek legal advice.

my partners child was removed from mums care my partner was unable to care for her as he was ill but now he is in a stable relationship, we have a daughter and his illness is under control we wouldn't be able to have my stepdaughter full time as as the special gaurdianship has already been awarded and unless the child was ill treated etc a court wouldn't rule in our favour.

my stepdaughter is however happy and we have regular contact etc.

Does your other half have PR? If not this again can make the situation tricky. Seek legal advice the first consultation should be free.

Good luck

The Court has informed us that there is no order on the child at all and all orders have to be made through court. So as far as we are aware the mum and nan must of made some agreement with eachother or with social services as the mum was totally unable to look after the child with her being a drug addict etc.
My partner has parential rights I believe, as he is on the birth certificate, the child was born after the date the law changed etc.

The Court has informed us that there is no order on the child at all and all orders have to be made through court. So as far as we are aware the mum and nan must of made some agreement with eachother or with social services as the mum was totally unable to look after the child with her being a drug addict etc.
My partner has parential rights I believe, as he is on the birth certificate, the child was born after the date the law changed etc.

That sounds all in your favour then. She'l probably not be getting a fostering allowence it will just be child benefit and perhaps Child tax credits etc.
If you truly believe you as a family could manage with your stepdaughter full time and that she will be better off with you then seek legal advice. If your other half has PR then he maybe entitled to legal aid.

My advice would be to give it a few months as your going through alot with been pregnant and I believe that a new baby and your stepdaughter moving in could become too much not only for you but for your son who will more than likley become a little terror for a while due to his new sibling and if mummy is giving alot of attention to his sister too he may feel a little left out.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do! x

I dont think we will be entitled to any legal aid as both my partner and I work. I do agree that having a baby and her moving in at the same time would be a bad idea we are not planning on doing that. But maybe getting the ball rolling or something as court can take a long time before an outcome is reached.

I think at the moment we are just weighing everything up to see what the best outome would be. Thankyou for all your help and advice :)