I very sadly had a misscarriage last week.

Generally I have been coping very well (I think..) I have my moments and my OH has been amazing along with some friends of ours some of whom I barely know but they were in touch as soon as they found out offering support and a shoulder to cry on.

BUT another group of friends have been the total opposite. I regarded some of these people as very close friends until I found out I was expecting... I confided in one particular person when I thought I could be pregnant who promptly told everyone else that I was expecting telling people we would not have wanted to tell yet and generally steeling my thunder. Since we found out I had lost the baby I have heard nothing from them. If I am honest it really is getting me down. I ended up "kicking off" a bit earlier about it all and the response I have had is "whatever".

I do not expect anyone to sit and cry with me or make some massive gesture but I just thought one of them would have got in touch. I am gutted.

Am I over reacting? Should I just forget it? or am I right to be this upset? I feel stupid that I thought they were friends and hurt that I even confided in them in the first place.

It's two separate issues, isn't it? The fact that they failed to keep a confidence is irritating, but the fact hat you had a miscarriage adds a whole other dimension, which might be why they are now feeling too awkward to get in touch.

It is not surprising that you are upset. I'd be tempted to let some time pass rather than trying to confront any additional emotional issues. It will get better soon.

Sorry to hear your sad news. I wonder if these friends were jealous about you being pregnant or felt threatened about losing you to a baby and spoilt it for you by blabbing. They probably feel awkward and a bit ashamed now.

Try not to think about them too much at the moment and take the support from the people who have offered it.

I hope you feel better soon. x

So sorry to hear your sad news. I don't know the people concerned but I do know human nature is to pass on news to friends quite innocently . Unless you told them you wanted it kept a secret and they deliberatly broke the confidence I think they'd have to be forgiven though I can understand how you felt about it. As for not getting in touch now there could be loads of reasons, including embarrassment or feeling unwelcome if you had shown your displeasure at their tactlessness. It could also be that they simply do not know how to cope with such a distressing situation and don't want to intrude etc. Maybe you could find a way to accidently run into one of them and guage the reaction, or just bite the bullet and call the one you are closest to for a friendly chat. Of course you are not making too much of it - you have suffered a trauma and your feelings are hightened and very vulnerable. - it is very natural but try not to dwell on it too much-- you still have some good friends, take comfort in them.

i think your friends should be offering you support not abandoning you even if they dont no what to say! i had 2 misscarraiges and its hell i always remember who was there and who turned there back to me the 1 person i thought was my best mate and i have to say its never been the same since i just cant forget what she did or didnt do is more to the point even now im through the emotional mess that is normal. Sorry for your loss xx

Thanks for all your advise.

The person who broke the confidentiality was specifically asked not to share the news yet did anyway. I hadn't even done a test when i spoke to her for advice. It was only when my OH went to share the news a few weeks later with his best friend that he was told that they already knew from her. When she did this I kept my mouth shut event though I wanted her to know I wasn't happy.

My OH spoke to his best mate the other day and mentioned to him he thought it would have been nice for someone to get in touch with me and find out how I was but still nothing.

I would have appreciated it even if they had been in touch and acted as tho nothing had happened rather than this blatant avoidance. And as I say I did now tell them I am disapointed that I have been ignored and got the responce "whatever".

It makes me laugh... my OH's work mate told his wife when he found out we were expecting and she emailed me straight away, sent books and gave me loads of advice. On the afternoon my loss was confirmed she was frantically trying to get a sitter for her little girl to come and be with me as my OH was in Glasgow. I have met her once. My close friends never really acknowledged my news and have treat me like a leper.

The fact is I just want my baby back and if it had been any of them I would have been straight there. It sucks.

Sorry to hear about that.
From an outside POV it might be worth keeping in mind that people rarely know how to deal with a situation like yours. It doesn't excuse rudeness or letting you down but might explain those who might seem hesitant.
I've known some who take it as sad but part of a normal biological process and others who are completely distraught. I never know if they want to discuss it or avoid the subject.
I hope everything improves for you, in whichever way is best for you.

Hi,
Sorry to hear of your loss. I also had a miscarriage over christmas it is a devistating thing to happen i was gutted. My news was also spread by gossip's in the school yard and i did tell people who i consider close friend's but i still don't know who "leaked" the info. This does make it hard when these event's happen as you then have to make it known to everyone that you are not pregnant anymore. In fact some people still think i'm pregnant i know for a fact but i think sooner or later they'll work it out.

Some of my friend's who have never been through a mc said really stupid thing's like, in the old day's you would just think your period was late. errrrrr 4 week's late?? i don't think so. Or Well you can look forward to trying again as if it does'nt matter or it was just a bunch of cells.All of these really upset me more.

The one's i found comfort in were people that had been through the same, people i did'nt expect and did'nt even know they had been through the same. I go on a forum for coping with miscarriage and it's really helped me be strong and other women that have been on the same boat if you want i'll pm you the address as i don't know if i'm allowed to put it on here.

Anne x

We suffered a miscarriage back in May and I've got to say all our friends were very supportive. The worse were the doctors. When I went to the doctors initially I was told that it was so early the chances were I was going to miscarry so to go away and come back after 12 weeks, then unfortunately a few days later I did miscarry and went back to see another doctor who said it was just cells, not a baby so get on with it basically.

Survice to say we changed practice, 2 months later fell pregnant again and was so scared it was unbelievable and I am now 31 weeks pregnant.

It is hard, I will never forget those feelings of total dispair and pure guilt but take time to get over this. I've just gone past the due date of little one number 1 and it was hard. It will always have been my first child that I never had. Don't be afriad of being upset, of wanting to scream and wanting to shut yourself away.

Give yourself a break and don't build up the guilt. As to so called friends, its times like this when you realise who your friends are and who they aren't and what actually is important xxx

I have had some fantastic support from people I hardly know.

I thought these other people were my friends.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It helps so much knowing other people have been through the same.

I have just been chatting with my OH. It feels a bit like it is all happening to someone else and Im just looking in on it all. I do feel a bit better than i did I think it will just take time.