Hi All,

One of my work mates (I'm very good friends with her at work, don't see her outside of a work capacity) Has lost her baby. She was 32 weeks and aparently the baby had a problem with her heart.

It's her second baby and I think when it gets to this stage everyone assumes that everything is going to be fine and you'll have a wee baby at the end of it. Nobody thinks anything could go wrong at this late'ish stage.

I think you assosiate someone loosing a baby with miscarriage before 12 weeks or so. I think what makes it harder to comprehend is that poor woman is going to have to go through the difficulty of labour knowing that she doesn't have the happy ending to look forward to.

My questions are;

If you have any suggestions on if I (and my team) should send her some flowers?

Is a sympathy card appropriate?

She has asked that we tell as many people as possible as she doesn't want to continue to be asked about it when she eventually comes back to work.

I, and many other people within the company are totally gutted for her and there has been many tears shed this morning when we heard the news. The poor poor family.

That sounds awful, poor woman.
I think it's a great idea to send some flowers and a card. At that stage the baby will have a funeral, so treat the sad event as you would any other loss.
You might consider making a donation to one of the neonatal bereavement groups if people are giving money, SANDS I think is the relevent one. And let the poor mum know too.

*Hugs*

Send a card that says we are thinking about you,its differcult what else to say,

My sister lost her baby at 38 weeks, and we all felt so isolated during that awful time as no-one sent anything like cards or flowers. I presume they were all in the same situation as you, they didnt know if it would help/was appropriate.

My advice, get a card that is blank inside so you can write your own personal message (the sympathy cards are usually aimed at older people), and some flowers can help to brighten the darkest of times.

My heart goes out to your friend, it is the hardest of times. xxx

I agree with the others, flowers and a card/donations to a suitable charity are absolutely appropriate. It's a bereavement like any other.

How traumatic. It's bound to affect people around her, as well. Hugs to you, as I know you'll be wanting to offer support to her and those around you who are affected. Xxx

Having been around a number of people who have lost little ones I think that the most important thing is just not to do nothing and keep silent. Whether you send a card, letter or flowers is up to you and I'm not sure that it is important which thing you choose- just don't disappear into the background and make the isolation just that little bit harder.

I agree with what everyone else has said. Sadly I lost a little'in back in May (its due date was yesterday so its all back in my memory at the moment, although it will never go away) and I just didn't know how I or others were going to react.

My organisation sent me flowers and a card which was lovely and a way of knowing others cared. It was strange coming back to work and I just didn't know what to say to people, some spoke to me, others didn't. People react in different ways.

Just knowing she has someone to speak to if and when she wants to will be a great comfort.

Just let your friend know that you are there for her, to listen, if she needs to talk.

It's about all you can do, really, in a sad situation like this one.

We lost our first daughter at birth 7 years ago. We recieved hundreds of sympathy cards all of which we saved. However 2 stick out in my memory and gave me great comfort. One was the most beautiful card and actually said on the front "on the loss of your daughter." I have never seen such a card since and have no idea where you can get one but the personalisation of it saying daughter was just so comforting.

The second was a laminated card, so it can be placed in the cemetary and not be ruined by the rain. But it comforted me so much I had it framed and it has always been on display with our family photos. It reads:-

In loving memory of a little angel.
You've just walked on ahead of me
and I've got to understand
You must release the ones you love
and let go of their hand
I try and cope as best I can
but I'm missing you so much
if I could only see you
and once more feel your touch
yes you've just walked on ahead of me
dont worry I'll be fine
but now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine.

I know you can get these from Rons card shop in firth park because I saw them in there recently. Whatever you decide to do she will be grateful because in times like this it is purely knowing that people are thinking about you which gets you through.

What a lovely poem, I am so sorry for the all the mummies on here who have lost babies.

I'd love to have got that for her, unfortunately I'm no where near Firth Park I don't think, I'm not from Sheffield so don't know the areas very well.

She is going to be induced in the morning and I just hate the thought of her having to go through that. I will have a look on the internet tonight to get something for her hopefully personalised.

Will she have a funeral at this stage?

Yes there will be a funeral, so maybe hold off for flowers till then. We had some beuatiful wreaths bought by friends for Lauren. a teddy bear, a tear drop, a love heart. It was overwhelming.

You sound like a lovely supportive friend and thats all she needs right now.

I dont even know her but I will be thinking of her tommorow now. x

Thank you all my wonderful fellow SF'ers

My sister lost her baby at 38 weeks, and we all felt so isolated during that awful time as no-one sent anything like cards or flowers. I presume they were all in the same situation as you, they didnt know if it would help/was appropriate.

My instant reaction was whatever you do, do do something, acknowledge what has happened. Like the previous poster, I've had friends who've had experiences where everyone feels so awkward and doesn't know whether what they've got to say will help, that the person ends up being avoided and feeling totoally isolated. A card, flowers, a telephone call... whatever it is, just to let them know you are there and thinking of them. I think the only "wrong" thing you can say or do is nothing.

Hi there. My middle daughter, Evie, was stillborn at full term, just over 4 years ago. Send some flowers now, just to let her know you are thinking about her & if there is anything left over ask your friend in a week or so what she would like you to do. My work mates raised about £70 & I put it towards a tree for Evie.

I know people don't know what to do or say but just try & be there for her. Let her know how much you all care. There will be a funeral & it is important that you remember your friend has had a baby, this her second child who will have a name & a place in your friends family. I hope this makes sense. It used to really hurt me beyond belief when people didn't think it was a real bereavment as she had never lived or when people treated it as a miscarriage (which I am sure is equally horrendous, btw).

There are some lovely poems - you could print one off the net. I will try & find some links. I have saved all my cards & letters I received after Evie died. They are all in her memory box & still get comfort from them now.

If you are up to it have a look at the SANDS website. They are a brilliant organisation & helped me tremendously. You might get a poem from there.

anniec I hope your friend finds some comfort with whatever you decide to do for her.

It's so sad to hear about the ladies on her who have lost their babies. It's really good of you to come on here and try to help other people. x

I recently had a friend who lost a baby- i was just beside myself with what to do for her. In the end me and a few other close friends put together to donate to the hospital then we also bought a star to be named after baby Jack. It might not be to everyones taste- but now she can finally talk about it she says it was a really nice thought, so might be an idea.

Annie, When we lost our little boy we bought a personlised teddybear with his name and date of birth. This helped us so much and now Annabel gives Benjy bear cuddles which is really, really lovely.
the site we used (http://www.sayitwithbears.co.uk/)

Do send flowers and cards, it helps and we lost our son at only 17 weeks. I can't imagine her pain. She may be really angry, I was for a very long time and losing Benjy still effects me every day, I'm a very diferent person I think now. Let her be and let her cope but do be there for her. I hated that some ignored what had happened because they didn't know what to say.
Good luck to you and your team and God bless to your poor friend.
She will be able to spend as much time tomorrow with her baby when he is born, they are really good with that and encourage photos and bonding even through the sorrow. There will also be a funeral as people have said, which I feel may help. Benjy was born too soon for this and we felt rather lost without any 'formal' way of dealing with things if that makes sense.

I don't know how things have gone today and if she has had the baby yet. I just know that my heart breaks for her.

I don't think I will get the bear for her ollie despite it being a lovely lovely thing. I just feel it's not my place to do that as I don't know how she will receive it or if she's able to handle that kind of thing. We all deal with grief in different ways.

I really appreciate you girls sharing your stories though and I think I will use the poem above.

Thank you again xx

awwww bless her hun, i sort of know what shes going through, i had my son at 40 weeks and he died at 5 days old 7 years ago, i know its different in some ways but i cant imagine knowing before giving birth, it didnt know so am glad for that.

just send her a card, she wont pay much attention to it just yet but in the future she will look back on her cards like i do and get something from them.

my heart breaks all over again for her as i fully and truthfully know the pain, anger, and every other emotion she will be feeling, i would not wish this pain on anyone, bless her

We lost our first daughter at birth 7 years ago. We recieved hundreds of sympathy cards all of which we saved. However 2 stick out in my memory and gave me great comfort. One was the most beautiful card and actually said on the front "on the loss of your daughter." I have never seen such a card since and have no idea where you can get one but the personalisation of it saying daughter was just so comforting.

The second was a laminated card, so it can be placed in the cemetary and not be ruined by the rain. But it comforted me so much I had it framed and it has always been on display with our family photos. It reads:-

In loving memory of a little angel.
You've just walked on ahead of me
and I've got to understand
You must release the ones you love
and let go of their hand
I try and cope as best I can
but I'm missing you so much
if I could only see you
and once more feel your touch
yes you've just walked on ahead of me
dont worry I'll be fine
but now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine.

I know you can get these from Rons card shop in firth park because I saw them in there recently. Whatever you decide to do she will be grateful because in times like this it is purely knowing that people are thinking about you which gets you through.

wow hun ive been talking to you all this time and didnt know you had been through the same as me 7 years ago, big hugs hunni

i agree with every bit you have posted here, the cards i recieved are now a comfort, and all part of the memories

big hugs to the OPs friend, xxxx