I want some advice about my family.
Certain members of my family have behaved appaulingly over the past few years and have managed to pull my family to peices i do not speak to a few of them no more and the others i do have connact with we bearly tolerate each other now.
I am fast runnin out of patience with them and this situation. They slag each other of constantly when they are with me and i feel stuck in the middle.
My mum wants us all to be reconciled but i dont think i can speak to or forgive the relatives i no longer have contact with i cannot go to into it but they have gone to far and i think they should not be forgiven wot do you think should i do it for my mother or stick to my guns.

hard to say really..without you going into too much personal detail.
and it all depends on the individual

im find it very hard to forgive people, the way i look at it is i've never treated someone like that...why should they.

i wouldnt want to upset my mother but maybe id sit her down and tell her EVERYTHING and tell her that i cant forgive people like that.

If it was me I would tell them straight dont forget that truth hurts. I was in this same situation a few years ago and it split my family down the middle, my out look on them now is if they was on fire in the middle of the street I would not go a cross and P*ss on them. I can relate to what happened to me when I was younger I was sexually abused by one of my aunties ie I was made to wear ladies lingierie the full works then I was used by all her friends male and female,in later life when I grew up the scars was still with me dont forget, my aunty decided to come to my wedding and she brought one of the people who had used me well to be it bluntly I smashed this chaps nose in and my aunty got the most verbal abuse I could think off, infact my wife took a swing at her and knocked her off her feet. from this day on I have never spoke to any of my family how can I forgive them what they had done to me they ruined my life for me. 6 years I was abused and my family just let it happen but I am better off with out any of my family I havent spoke to my mum for 30 years and the same to my aunties or uncles I cant say that about my dad as he as been dead for 15 years but I never spoke to him when he was alive. know I shall never forgive them.

Originally posted by bigkev
If it was me I would tell them straight dont forget that truth hurts. I was in this same situation a few years ago and it split my family down the middle, my out look on them now is if they was on fire in the middle of the street I would not go a cross and P*ss on them. I can relate to what happened to me when I was younger I was sexually abused by one of my aunties ie I was made to wear ladies lingierie the full works then I was used by all her friends male and female,in later life when I grew up the scars was still with me dont forget, my aunty decided to come to my wedding and she brought one of the people who had used me well to be it bluntly I smashed this chaps nose in and my aunty got the most verbal abuse I could think off, infact my wife took a swing at her and knocked her off her feet. from this day on I have never spoke to any of my family how can I forgive them what they had done to me they ruined my life for me. 6 years I was abused and my family just let it happen but I am better off with out any of my family I havent spoke to my mum for 30 years and the same to my aunties or uncles I cant say that about my dad as he as been dead for 15 years but I never spoke to him when he was alive. know I shall never forgive them.
thankyou for your advice and i understand it may have been difficult for u to discuss so i thankyou for this

Originally posted by katy1981
I want some advice about my family.
Certain members of my family have behaved appaulingly over the past few years and have managed to pull my family to peices i do not speak to a few of them no more and the others i do have connact with we bearly tolerate each other now.
I am fast runnin out of patience with them and this situation. They slag each other of constantly when they are with me and i feel stuck in the middle. My mum wants us all to be reconciled but i dont think i can speak to or forgive the relatives i no longer have contact with i cannot go to into it but they have gone to far and i think they should not be forgiven wot do you think should i do it for my mother or stick to my guns.

Whether I could trust or forgive family members when they do bad things, depends a great deal. Sometimes it's useful to have a clean break and other times it's smarter to let bygones be bygones.

I agree with bikegv that it would be good for these people to know your views. I am sure it could help you if not them to let everyone know your position. I dont think there is any right or wrong way to do things; it depends on your personal style and their relationship with you. Difficult to say without knowing people and dynamics involved. If a relative's behaviour turned my whole life upside down, sold me defective/illegal goods, disrupted my relationships, stole my boyfriends, slandered me, threatened me with knives, persauded me to work for them but they refused to pay me, etc etc, I think I'd be inclined to move in to avoidance mode.

Some years ago a coach offered to help me resolve deep-seated anger I felt to a relative with good reason which adversely affected my life. I accepted this offer after I realised the relative was so deeply entrenched in denial that they refused to accept the facts and evidence.

As a result I no longer have the deep anger I used to feel for that person. Although I do not trust them and they know this, I also know we can be in the same room and I have the added benefit of having my energy for more useful, constructive activities.

I suggest talking things through with someone you trust to see what's the core of it for you and how to best present your perceptions in a way that the people you want to reach will hear what you've got to say

Yes, I agree with what everyone says. My advice would be to not think of them as relatives,and if theve done or said something, tell em off. I dont beleive that blood is thicker than water ,no way. Talk to someone not related,and get their point of view. Always got on with my relatives. So Im lucky

Can you ever trust or forgive family members when they do bad things...??? NO! my so called close family had said too many hurtful things to me over the past few years, for stupid reasons, all i have tried to do and doing is to better myself by changing my life etc: its made me fitter and more a Confidante man.... and they call me stupid??? well i call them selfish. i thought familys were there to offer support - god i was so wrong. im never gonna forgive them for what they have said to me, an apolgy must be taken and given by both to work - as for as they are concerned im wrong no matter what.... :loopy: my close family are dead to me. it may sound strong but blood is only thicker than water if the love is there to hold you together. They drove me away like im the odd one out.

To cut a very long story short - my family turned on me after "i asked" to come off my disability... ive had a long illness etc... they called me stupid as its money for nowt:loopy: i feel proud that ive changed my life and in fitter than ive been for 20 years theres more to life than money... im proud of what ive done and still doing.

It would depend what the bad thing was that they did.. But I'm pretty close to most members of both sides of my family so I'd assume I'd be pretty forgiving of almost anything.

My family are pretty close and there is little any of them would do to harm another member of the family. Seems strange to me when I hear of people who do this or that to members of their own families as this is called dumping on your own doorstep.

Perhaps what also helps is the fact that as soon as any of them step out of line - all the rest jump on them - though not literally ;)

Dragon

When I was about 10, my 2 year old brother spat in my cup of tea, then hid behind my 15-year old older brother for protection.

When I was 6, my little sister aged 2 hit me over the head with a steel dustpan, cutting my head open, for which I needed stitches - didn't mind that so much; the young nurse at the hospital was nice! nice! nice!

They don't call that age the terrible twos for nowt :roll:

Anyway, was I right to forgive and forget, or should I have held a grudge against them for the rest of my life?

I'm biding my time and waiting for certain family members to come to their senses. I know the things they have said that have hurt me are only because they are so focused on themselves (although there is another phrase for that).

Family realtionships are not sset in stone - they are dynamic and change all the time. I'm just waiting for them to change for the better ;)

I don't find it necessary to hate anybody over any of it, I've just switched off. I suppose it's different if you see more of your family than I do though

My family is sooooooo screwed up that I cannot even comment for fear of involving others in their twisted little ways.

Extreme to the end, My Dad fell out with his Sister when he was 15, they haven't spoken since & can't remember what it was about now.

But ... this is the best one - my Dad also hasn't seen / spoken to his own Mum for 21 years because she put sugar in my weetabix! I'm not even joking! :o :loopy:

I bet that was just the straw that broke the camel's back Sugar. ;)

Do you think maybe your mum and his mum had different ideas about bringing up kids and they were putting him in the middle and using him as a battle ground? :(

No Strix. My family honestly are that insane. :(

I think there is a little difference between what you are talking about Abdul, and what Katy was referring to. Getting your head split open by another child is one thing - and these things happen. However - having members of your family all but destroy your life is something completely different.

Sometimes it is best to just forget and to hell with any forgiveness. Just let them go and put them behind you.

Dragon

It gets worse, Dragon.

Once, my older sister wound me up, and I took revenge by tearing up her entire collection of Duran Duran posters.

Wow, I cannot believe how spiteful I was :blush:

stick to your guns if the issue is an important one.
i haven't seen or spoke to my favourite aunt for nearly 16years - the choice was made at the time by her so although i occasionally think of her & her family , the thought of the rejection at the time hurts more than the missing.

if it's a trivial matter, u know they turned up late for tea or something, thats really not worth the aggro & a simple apology should do the trick.

i feel for you. It is so hard but when all is said & done, your family have no more right to treat you badly then non family have.
I have been through an appalling time recently. My Dad died after nearly two months in hospital. A sister who came up to see him from Down South did nothing but question and gripe about how we had looked after him (or not as she believed.) Over the two months in hospital my dad had never been without visitors. When the hospital explained they had to remove his feeding tube because he may choke she acted as if we were trying to starve him to death. She did nothing but cause hurt and trouble until one of my other sisters asked her to leave and come back for the funeral.
This is only part of what she did. Would you believe she even told lies about what i had said to my Dad on his death bed. This sister who caused all this hurt had also recently took money from us under the understanding she would pay it back which she never did. I honestly don't care if i never see her again. Because of her i spent the time not grieving for my dad but being hurt over her behaviour.

Been giving your post a lot of thought katy and thinking about the way my then life coach helped me achieve such an excellent result in the instance I had in mind with my initial post.

My coach suggested I write a letter which I didnt have to send setting out all I felt and all of my related concerns. Looking back on the exercise, my letter started out as a cold, factual solicitor style letter :D we then used as a basis to work through and resolve the issues to reconcile things. It took some 4 months to draft a suitable letter to work through all of my pain and anger. By then I'd accepted my valid grievances, although valid, were not serving me, were interefering with the rest of my life and it was time to move on.

By the time my coach was finally satisfied, my letter was warm, suitable and apt. I posted it by Recorded Delivery; the Post Office returned it weeks later. We have since written, sent a few emails and were in the same room for 5 minutes without the rest of the world knowing about it.

I then agreed to another exercise I had declined and sounds so outlandish I'm not posting it, but it was highly effective.

I'd like to say it has a happy ending, however, that isnt true and sadly there is a very, very long way to go. As to trusting them? That does depend what that's supposed to mean. On the rare occasions I discussed the background, the advice is be cautious in dealings with them. I have no motivation or inclination to put myself in to painful situations and for now I prefer minimal, short contact to discuss necessities only, preferably in writing.