Before I go any further let me say please don't use this thread to take the **** out of me or my lack of sucesss with the opposite sex. Certain people seem to take every oportunity to do this. You (and I) know who you are.:rant:

Right, here is the dilema. Every autumn for quite a few years now I take part in an annual theatrical event which, on the whole, I enjoy. Quite a few girls and one lad from a local drama group also come along. There are two problems.

1) This lad (aged about 17 I think) is very popular with several of the girls and spends quite a lot of time kissing them, putting his arms around them, having them sat on his knee etc. It is very blatant and hard to avoid in a relatively small venue. Last year I became increasingly depressed by this as it was so constant and 'in your face'. I am on anti-depressants (largly as a result of my lack of a girlfriend) and any good the tablets may do was completely undermined by his actions.

2) One of the girls (his favourate) seems for some reason to have taken a particular dislike to me. I know she is hardly the first girl to have done this but she gets on very well with everyone else. She seems a very nice and friendly girl who has a very outgoing personality. She often hugs etc other members of the group (some much older than me). However, she seems completely repulsed by me and I have overheard her talking about me and describe me as a horrible person (and worse).

The dilema then is should I put my name down for this year and risk a repetition of previous events or should I keep well away? I like to be involved as it is a big part of my autumn and has become something of an annual ritual I am reluctant to give up. However, considering last year what would be best?

Any GENUINE advice would be very welcome.

Thanks.

Get over yourself.

If she doesn't like you, and you aren't getting anywhere with her, and the guys all clearly fancy her and it gets you down, then give it up.

If you're letting it get to you and getting depressed over it, then don't do it.

It's pretty simple. But yeah... get over yourself :)

Do you know for certain who is going to be there this year? You never know it may of expanded to include a few new faces. Some guys are always going to be popular with the girls [that's just life] however if he's in a relationship which is quite possible as you've not seen him for a year that may well of curbed his excessive flirty behaviour.
If there is a girl there who you are having problems with the best course of action that I would suggest is to take her to one side and ask her what her problem is, politely of course.

If you do this every year, why not have a change? Could you find a group with older people? There are many local amateur and dramatic groups around with a mix of ages. See it as progression rather than just sticking with what sounds like a youth club.

Or.... being more sensitive to your question.

I am sure that there are plenty more local drama groups which you could get involved with. I have two friends, one which is and one which use to be, involved with ones in Chesterfield.

I am not suggesting you should run away from the situaution, as ''what does not kill us will make us stronger'', but maybe you should consider an alternative as life is too short to be upset by mindless people.

Good luck:D

Originally posted by WallBuilder
Do you know for certain who is going to be there this year? You never know it may of expanded to include a few new faces. Some guys are always going to be popular with the girls [that's just life] however if he's in a relationship which is quite possible as you've not seen him for a year that may well of curbed his excessive flirty behaviour.
If there is a girl there who you are having problems with the best course of action that I would suggest is to take her to one side and ask her what her problem is, politely of course.

Good points.

No, I don't know for certain who is going to be there as the woman who runs the group has fallen out with our group. However, I have heard that quite a few of the same people will still attend. Maybe?

This lad does indeed have a girlfriend (or at least he did the last I heard) but that didn't stop him kissing etc the girls last year.

I have mentioned to the girl's sister that I think she doesn't like me very much (an understatment) but the sister just denied it and said 'Oh, I don't know'. I think the girl herself would probably do the same.

don't worry about it, lots of people don't like me.
it could my lecherous grin or pervert smile, but there will always be someone else who does.
your mission should u accept it is to find them.

Sounds like you shouldn't really be going again, perhaps it'd be better if you left well alone and started enjoying your life by yourself... get a playstation!

Ignore them and get on with YOUR life.

You need to be good to yourself, and that means not beating yourself up over a pair that should get a room and are probably experience the hormones of young love.

Go to this event to enjoy the event - NOT on the off chance of scoring.

Go with the attitude that you will enjoy yourself by engaging fully with the event for itself. The commitment you show may attract people who want to be friends with you.

Hope this helps,

Joe

Sometimes we all fall into situations which we cannot control and are uncomfortable. That doesn't mean we've done anything wrong. This is one of them. I suggest move on and try something else. Grow up and away rather than let it knock your confidence.

I would go to the event slimsid, it's something you look forward to and enjoy so don't let anything spoil that.
I'm sure you don't go purely to hang around that group anyway, so why not socialise a bit, introduce yourself to a few more people it should be fairly easy as you obviously have a shared interest.
it certainly isn't worth making your self ill over.
Hope it goes well anyway.

I think you should save yourself more unhappiness and go and find something new (maybe similar?) this autumn. They sound like people that should just be avoided.

Life doesn't need to revolve around getting a girlfriend you know, especially to the extent that yours seems to. I'm not being nasty and do feel for you. But I think you should just enjoy yourself & a girlfriend will follow when the time is right.

No I don't go to 'score' myself. I just get depressed when I see what this lad does with several of the girls and also that this girl (who is actually very nice) dislikes me so much.

I suppose I shouldn't blame the lad. If I were in his shoes I would no doubt do the same and he probably doesn't realise how much it gets me down. Saying that though several people (including the lad's own mother and sister) noticed I was down last year and asked me what was wrong.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
No I don't go to 'score' myself. I just get depressed when I see what this lad does with several of the girls and also that this girl (who is actually very nice) dislikes me so much.

I suppose I shouldn't blame the lad. If I were in his shoes I would no doubt do the same and he probably doesn't realise how much it gets me down. Saying that though several people (including the lad's own mother and sister) noticed I was down last year and asked me what was wrong.

Just ignore him.

He is nothing to do with you. You're not his keeper, neither is he yours. If the girls don't like what he does, they'll complain. If they don't mind, theat's their look out, again not yours. If the girl dislikes you, well, it happens.

Seriously, go to this event if that's what YOU want to do - it shouldn't be affected by other people who're basically pursuing their own lives.

Joe

Originally posted by slimsid2000
No I don't go to 'score' myself. I just get depressed when I see what this lad does with several of the girls and also that this girl (who is actually very nice) dislikes me so much.

I suppose I shouldn't blame the lad. If I were in his shoes I would no doubt do the same and he probably doesn't realise how much it gets me down. Saying that though several people (including the lad's own mother and sister) noticed I was down last year and asked me what was wrong.

What's his mum like? Worth a punt?

I still reckon you need to find yourself a good pro to relieve the heavy burden of 30 something virginity. Maybe once you're "over the first hurdle" you'll relax a little around the ladies and have a little more success.

Slimsid,
Firstly, it is terribly important that you do not allow the behaviour of other people to prevent you from doing things that you enjoy. Go to the theatrical event, and pay no heed to the boy anf the girls. After all, that is what they are. You are an adult man, and they are callow teenagers. I would not give a hoot if some fickle young teenager took a dislike to me, and might even derive pleasure from the annoyance I caused. You have as much right to take part in the theatrical event as anyone else.

You could 'sign up' now but if you don't fancy it nearer the time you don't have to go Slimsid. Or you could go and if you still find it hard because of this certain little group then you don't have to go again.

If I were you I would do as alot of the others have suggested and look into new Amateur Dramatic groups. Obviously it means getting to know people again but you can start afresh and hopefully go in with lots of self happiness/confidence and feel positive.

It is horrid when you are aware someone hates you for whatever their reasons but it is their problem and not yours. Don't dwell or worry about it - either ignore it and continue going there and mix with those whom you do like and whom like you. Or move on. Sure you'd be welcome at other groups.

:)

Timo has just made a good point there sid, you said the girl had no problem hugging the guy who is older than you, but she would'nt go near you.
perhaps that is because the other older man is acting his age and she feels ok around him.
she may see you wanting to be part of the younger group as a bit creepy.
as timo said you are an adult.
It's too late to get what you've missed out on, take a leap forward and look at people your own age, you'll realise they are mostly more 'sorted' and suit you better.

Originally posted by JoeP
Ignore them and get on with YOUR life.

You need to be good to yourself, and that means not beating yourself up over a pair that should get a room and are probably experience the hormones of young love.

Go to this event to enjoy the event - NOT on the off chance of scoring.

Go with the attitude that you will enjoy yourself by engaging fully with the event for itself. The commitment you show may attract people who want to be friends with you.

Hope this helps,

Joe you posted what appears a very honest request for advice,joep has given you the best advise,forget about what they get up to, theres some one for every one,you seem to be looking too hard,be your self,the other lad can only be with one girl at a time so when the rest of the ladies realise he is a wind up they will dump him

do you have any talents? play guitar,tell jokes, or are you just sitting in the back ground? advertise.....the secret of getting girls to talk to you is simple...

be yourself,be honest,make them laugh,and dont ask to much of them,they are out to enjoy themselves as im sure you are so join in,you dont have to score first night,but the next night they remember you and im sure they will acknowledge you,thats a start,build it up from there.

unless you have three heads i cant see why you are having problems, dont mutter,dont grope and dont be on a perminant downer,just join in...........good luck

god i wish i was young again......its the best time of your life,enjoy it dont go chasing rainbows,take it as it comes..............

My advice Slimsid is either learn to ignore it and get on with what you obviously enjoy doing or move on to another group.

Never stop doing something completely because of other people, and you can't make someone like you. Don't take it personally and it doesn't matter in the long run, but if it still makes you uncomfortable, find another group.

Wilf

Just as a matter of interest Sid, what do you do at this theatrical event? Are you acting in some production, or are you working behind the scenes with the lighting or something? If whatever you do means that you don't have to hang around with this irritating lot, then I'd say go on and do it and leave them to whatever they want to do. On the other hand, if you can't avoid them and going is just going to make you even more depressed, you might be better giving it a miss - it depends how much you enjoy the other aspects of the event (and how vital you are to its success, I suppose). As for the girl who doesn't like you - hell, she's half your age or to put it another way you're old enough to be her dad (especially with the teenage pregnancy rate in South Yorkshire) so surely you don't really see her as suitable girlfriend material, do you? Would you really have that much in common with someone that age?

Incidentally on another tack have you been to meet MsB yet?

Actually I've just realised I've made an assumption there - are the girls the same age as the irritating lad? Or are they more mid-20s ish?

Just ignore her. So she doesn't like you. If you avoid her or don't turn up then she wins. If you want to go just go and ignore these outside influences. Chances are if the 17 year old kid is like you described many of the women there wont like him .

If you are attending this to troll for dates, you might want to consider other avenues. However, if you are going strictly because you have the theater bug by all means attend. In which case, face the young woman who is talking about you behind your back and ask her why she is so hostile towards you. You will feel better! :thumbsup:

Here are a few sayings that you might want to ponder:

1. If you try to please all the people all of the time you are destined to fail.

2. Live your life for yourself...not for other people.

3. Never put yourself down...there are always plenty of people out there who are more than willing to do it for you.

4. The true definition of being a man is not giving a crap about what other people think.

5. Always face your worst fears head on. (Or as a friend of mine always liked to say: " don't be a wimp, just do it!")

Originally posted by slimsid2000
Before I go any further let me say please don't use this thread to take the **** out of me or my lack of sucesss with the opposite sex. Certain people seem to take every oportunity to do this. You (and I) know who you are.:rant:

Right, here is the dilema. Every autumn for quite a few years now I take part in an annual theatrical event which, on the whole, I enjoy. Quite a few girls and one lad from a local drama group also come along. There are two problems.

1) This lad (aged about 17 I think) is very popular with several of the girls and spends quite a lot of time kissing them, putting his arms around them, having them sat on his knee etc. It is very blatant and hard to avoid in a relatively small venue. Last year I became increasingly depressed by this as it was so constant and 'in your face'. I am on anti-depressants (largly as a result of my lack of a girlfriend) and any good the tablets may do was completely undermined by his actions.

2) One of the girls (his favourate) seems for some reason to have taken a particular dislike to me. I know she is hardly the first girl to have done this but she gets on very well with everyone else. She seems a very nice and friendly girl who has a very outgoing personality. She often hugs etc other members of the group (some much older than me). However, she seems completely repulsed by me and I have overheard her talking about me and describe me as a horrible person (and worse).

The dilema then is should I put my name down for this year and risk a repetition of previous events or should I keep well away? I like to be involved as it is a big part of my autumn and has become something of an annual ritual I am reluctant to give up. However, considering last year what would be best?

Any GENUINE advice would be very welcome.

Thanks. No, find some other interests. If the girl genuinely hates you for no reason then she's not a nice person at all!

Are you absolutely sure she is repulsed by you? That is a pretty strong statement. You say you are on antidepressants. Being depressed can make you think all kinds of things, it could be a lack of self esteem caused by the depression. Maybe you need the dosage of your medication altered.

You will always come across people who dislike you. They are not worth worrying about, honestly:)

Tell the bitch this.

Stand up for yourself you are probably a wallflower - shout across a crowded room and tell her what you think of her.

I agree with all thats been said especially 'timo'.

'He who dares wins Rodders'.

From what I've seen you've had excellent advice and my 2pworth, I think its time you let other people worry about what you think about them and stop worrying about what other people think about you.

That's not to say you should be rude, aggressive or offensive because that is unhelpful. Instead, I suggest before taking any decisions, particularly major ones, sit down and think what you want and how to achieve it.

Break things down in to manageable chunks so that you know what and when you've achieved things to set the next steps.

As it's people-related stuff I think it could help to establish what you consider acceptable boundaries and make that clear when people overstep the mark. Try to be as clear as possible about what you want and the steps you are going to take. If there's anyone you trust to act as a sounding board speak to them.

At first people may laugh or be unpleasant etc because it may be out of keeping with their normal perceptions of you. Excuse their ignorance and carry on regardless. It's very hard to get the balance right. Practice makes perfect.

Thanks for the advice so far - please keep it coming as it will help me make up my mind. I don't have to decide just yet - not until about mid September really. However, if i do decide to do it I can't really drop out at a later date as this would let everyone else down which i really don't want to do.

There are plenty of people who are involved in this event who I get on with perfectly well and mix with them fine. Maybe I take things too much to heart but it does get me down that this girl seems to find me repulsive.

Looking at it objectively she is a really nice girl and gets on very well with everyone else. I certainly don't hate her like she seems to hate me. I have tried to talk to her and get to know her a bit. Although she always smiles nicely at me and has never been rude to my face I get the distinct impression she finds me repulsive.

For example, last year there was a dance scene in the production where people moved from one partner to another. The first time we rehearsed it she tried to make sure she was in a possition where she didn't have to dance, or hold hands, with me. However, the woman who set the dance decided who went where and the poor girl ended up having to dance with me afterall. It wasn't my fault - I didn't decide who dances with who. After the first time she did it I heard another girl whisper to her "well done" as though it were some terrible ordeal she had just gone through.

Originally posted by metalman
As for the girl who doesn't like you - hell, she's half your age or to put it another way you're old enough to be her dad (especially with the teenage pregnancy rate in South Yorkshire) so surely you don't really see her as suitable girlfriend material, do you? Would you really have that much in common with someone that age?



Yes she is a lot younger than me. I don't expect her to see me as a potential boyfriend but am just upset that she finds me repulsive. She seems quite happy (or at least) tolerant be being hugged and kissed by both a man in his 40s (although I suspect he may be gay if that is relevant) and a man in his 60s who will often kiss various girls.

I suppose if I am honest I would quite like her to kiss or hug me as she is very pretty and I have never before been kissed or hugged by a girl. Still, that is her choice. It hurts though that she has a very different reaction to me than everyone else. It makes me feel like some kind of repulsive monster who nice girls should avoid like the plague.

I know - I am being over sensitive and should stop caring what other people think of me. I guess it is because she is exactly the sort of girl I would have liked as a first girlfriend when I was her age (about 16-17).

Am still very undecided whether to put my name down this year or nor - at the moment it is a 50/50 decision. Perhaps I should just toss a coin to decide.:hihi: Decisiveness isn't exactly my strong point.

Oh I'll give you a big hug. Sorry but can't do the other.

I think this girl knows she is popular and that you envy her that and you are a little jealous it isn't you ( in male form) at that age.

I think she as sussed out you have a 'weakness' in having little confidence especially around women and is targetting it.

I doubt she really finds you replusive (unless you have done something for her to think that) but is playing on your 'weakness' girls can be very horrible like that. It's called bullying. Ignore her and concentrate with the people whom you like and who like you. That will make you happier and then you'll realise how insignificant she is and not be so bothered about. Stop worrying about her - she won't be worrying about you. Just get on and enjoy yourself.

:)

Originally posted by slimsid2000
Thanks for the advice so far - please keep it coming as it will help me make up my mind. I don't have to decide just yet - not until about mid September really. However, if i do decide to do it I can't really drop out at a later date as this would let everyone else down which i really don't want to do.

There are plenty of people who are involved in this event who I get on with perfectly well and mix with them fine. Maybe I take things too much to heart but it does get me down that this girl seems to find me repulsive.

Looking at it objectively she is a really nice girl and gets on very well with everyone else. I certainly don't hate her like she seems to hate me. I have tried to talk to her and get to know her a bit. Although she always smiles nicely at me and has never been rude to my face I get the distinct impression she finds me repulsive.

For example, last year there was a dance scene in the production where people moved from one partner to another. The first time we rehearsed it she tried to make sure she was in a possition where she didn't have to dance, or hold hands, with me. However, the woman who set the dance decided who went where and the poor girl ended up having to dance with me afterall. It wasn't my fault - I didn't decide who dances with who. After the first time she did it I heard another girl whisper to her "well done" as though it were some terrible ordeal she had just gone through. I think you are reading too much into this. You definitely sound like you have a downer on yourself. If you send out messages to people that you don't like yourself very much, you will convince others that you are not worth liking.

Make a list of the things you like about yourself and what you are good at. Use these things to portray yourself rather than negative things. Try it on us, tell us whats good about you!

Thanks Samc.

I think you misunderstand. I don't think she is a bully at all. Bekieve me, I have known plenty of them in my time and she is nothing like that. She is a genuinely nice girl who for whatever reason is very uncomfortable with me (although she has never said as much to me).

I am not jealous of her but will admit to being jealous of the lad who is so popular with her and many other girls. I think he is very lucky in this respect. I don't hate him and am honest enough to admit that in his possition I would be the same. However, because it is hard to avoid it does tend to get me down after a while.

There are quite a lot of TV programmes (soaps etc) that I avoid precisely because they are full of other men with pretty girls. It is certainly beneficial to my mental health to avoid them. Unfortunately, in real life it is sometimes harder to avoid.

You are crazy not to from the actions of one stupid beatch. Sounds like your self esteem is a little low and no anti depressant is going to particularly help that. Rise above her!

Positive thinking!

Hi Slimsid

Not sure how old you are but guess from previous posts that you're in your 30's. You are starting to come across as kind of obsessive in all honesty.

This lass is quite likely creeped out by the fact that you are (evidently) thinking about her in a sexual way that she finds uncomfortable. She may think that it is inappropriate for you to think about her like that. Even though you might not think you have made it obvious, she could be reading the signs.

Just because she is flirty with a 17 year old lad and hugs older guys, doesn't mean she'll do that with everyone and if you start looking expectantly at her she'll run a mile.

I agree that you shouldn't worry about what other's think, but you should also be aware of how other's might react to your behaviour. Young people are (rightly or wrongly) often very wary of older people who don't fit their expectations.

You obviously spend a lot of time thinking about this and I'm not entirely sure that this is either healthy or productive.

I keep wondering why this is a huge problem for you, but your last post perhaps sums it up.
I accept that seeing all the nice things people write to you may help you in the short term, but i think you may need to seek professional help, ( no not those professionals!) Have you ever considered it sid?
I think this is far too big an issue for you to expect answers on a public forum.
I only know you from your posts which usually come back to the same underlying issues. if you want help try all the options.

I agree, I think your low self esteem problem is spoiling your life and you are not going to get the help you need from faceless people tapping away at their keyboards. Also, most people have been very nice so far & offered really good advice but you know from experience that someone will poke fun at you through this thread at some point and it will make you feel even worse.

Depression is an illness that affects millions of people. Seek help from trained medical staff as 40summat says.

:)

I'm with Chipmonk. If you say she's not a bully, Slimsid, and she's a genuinely nice girl, then maybe you are sending out the wrong signals.

I'm not trying to upset you, but the truth will be more helpful than telling you it's her with the problem and you should rise above it.

As a young (well, I say 'young') female, I have experienced the feeling of being uncomfortable around a man who is giving off pervy vibes. And I'm sorry to admit it, but I react in the same way as this girl - I give him daggers and make sure he knows not to step any closer!

The best thing you can do is go to the event but keep away from her, certainly don't look her up and down or give her that 'gagging for it' look so favoured by men. If you make eye contact, smile, say hello firmly and leave it at that.

I think this girl could have done you a favour - I'm sure you don't mean to be creepy but it sounds like this is how you are coming across. No offence intended :)

Sorry, Chickmonk. What a faux-pas....!

I don't think of myself as 'pervy' and hope I don't come across as this. Afterall, I am not the one who kisses her, has her on my knee etc. I'm not saying the lad is 'pervy' either but he is the one who has the physical contact with her, not me.

I am just someone who has missed out on a lot and gets hurt when girls act like this towards me. I'd just like a bit of what so many other men take for granted.

I have had counceling in the past but am not sure what good it has done. I don't really think this one issue is sufficient to seek therepy over but I recognise it only matters to me because i have never had a girlfriend.

So you ain't the most succesfull guy with the ladies Sid?

Might come as a surpise but a large percentage of guys ain't the mean lean pulling machines you seem to think they are, and I for one certainly dont anything "for granted" on this front.

There is more to life than girls trust me. Look at it like this - how much of the rest of life is passing you by while you beat yourself up about this one thing?

What I mean is, do really want to be in a position in say, a years time, where you look back and go "Well I've had a s**t twelve months, done nothing to broaden my horizons or discover new things about myself and the world, or advance myself on any level, but eh at least I got laid?".

There's an whole world out there pal, go explore it.

Hi Slimsid

This issue is obviously very important to you and it seems to be doing your head in. The problem with discussing stuff on this forum though, as has already been mentioned, is that you are open to abuse and you are also taking advice from those who don't know you.

You don't have to have physical contact with someone to come accross as creepy. A lack of self-confidence and an obvious need to be accepted by those much younger than you may be enough to set alarm bells ringing in that lass's head. You would be much better of not pushing it with her.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I don't think of myself as 'pervy' and hope I don't come across as this.

Not a great choice of avatar then!

I hear what people say baout not pushing it with her etc and indeed have tried to avoid much contact with her in the past as I thought it better.

I still think it a shame though that a girl who is very friendly to everyone else, including men much older than me should be this way with me. I suppose ideally I would like her to change her atitude to me but I don't supposwe that will happen.:(

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I still think it a shame though that a girl who is very friendly to everyone else, including men much older than me should be this way with me. I suppose ideally I would like her to change her atitude to me but I don't supposwe that will happen.:(

I say go again and sooner or later she'll realise from other people who speak well of you what a jerk she is being.

Forget drama groups and medication- book a two week trip to Thailand. :cool:
I think you'll find two weeks of sun and companionship in Thailand compare favorably to an autumn of amateur dramatics in Sheffield.

And before anyone flames up on this, put yourself in the shoes of someone desperate for the simple physical and emotional needs that can only be satisfied by a member of the opposite sex. Moreover, don't impose your western values and normative judgments on a foreign culture.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I suppose ideally I would like her to change her atitude to me but I don't supposwe that will happen.:(


I agree with a lot of the advice here. Don't let her force you out of what you enjoy doing, but then again you have to accept that you aren't going to get on. I suggest you keep this young lady at arms length - don't be rude to her, but don't actively seek out her company. If you do find yourselves talking together, stick to neutral, distant pleasantries, or "business" (ie: am-dram matters).

And another thing Sid: You say you're depressed because you don't have a girlfriend. Do this for me. Take yourself off somewhere quiet and spend a good twenty minutes or so contemplating the bad aspects of being in a relationship. Think about what you'll lose - there's loss of privacy, loss of freedom, having to "check in" if you want to do anything (as opposed to just doing what you want), all the jealousy, the heartache, the neediness; mull over facts like "one in 5 married women have had an affair", "nearly half of all marriages end in divorce (could you stomach seeing all the money you've spent your life accumulating suddenly being taken away and given to your ex and her new bloke?) - if you had kids how would you handle just being able to see them once a fortnight? Just think on all that, imagine those scenarios happening to you, and maybe being single will start to look like a good idea? Hmm? Then go and look around at what else life has to offer. You're young(ish), free and single, and the world's your oyster! How about travelling? Do a degree? Learn a language at night school? Ask if you can direct one of your drama group's plays? Have you learned to drive yet? A career change perhaps? Just go for it!

Originally posted by withnail
Forget drama groups and medication- book a two week trip to Thailand. :cool:
I think you'll find two weeks of sun and companionship in Thailand compare favorably to an autumn of amateur dramatics in Sheffield.

And before anyone flames up on this, put yourself in the shoes of someone desperate for the simple physical and emotional needs that can only be satisfied by a member of the opposite sex. Moreover, don't impose your western values and normative judgments on a foreign culture. I'm not flaring up I promise. BUT that is really bad advice. I'm sure Sid wants a girl who WANTS to be with him. 'Paying' someone is not the answer. It would probably make things a whole lot worse. Do you know how many people get robbed of more than just their dignity in Thailand? It is a poor country, people who need money will go to extreme lengths to get it:)

I knew you'd take offence at that. But as Chickmonk says, being creepy isn't about physical contact. It's the opposite actually - girls only let people get that close if they feel comfortable with them.

You say, almost indignantly, that you hope you don't come across as pervy. But judging by this girl's reaction, that is how you are coming across, even if it's inadvertent.

Before anyone jumps on my back, I'm not saying Slimsid IS a perv, just trying to help him to see that this could be what's stopping him getting anywhere with women. Hey, this could be a break through...!

Slimsid, this is serious advice. Go and buy (or borrow) a book on body language. Any will do, they all have sections in them on the dating game.

We make our minds up about people within minutes of meeting them by subconsciously deciphering their body language. So, rectifying the signals you're giving off could finally allow you to get past the first hurdle, and let some discover the real you.

Yes winking and slobering with your tongue hanging out is not a good look.

sounds like you just like watching it... :heyhey:

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I don't think of myself as 'pervy' and hope I don't come across as this. Afterall, I am not the one who kisses her, has her on my knee etc. I'm not saying the lad is 'pervy' either but he is the one who has the physical contact with her, not me.

It's very hard to avoid it as space is very limited backstage. I have tried to aviod it when it gets too upsetting and will try if possible to find myself a quiet corner or just keep looking in another direction.

Or you could try acting your age instead of acting like lovesick spotty teenager. get over it mate, she won't be loosing sleep over it.

ask her if she fancies coming back to yours for a spitroast...:heyhey:

Apply for Big Brother next year - It seems to be working for Eugene (which is how I imagine you in my head - apologies if im way off!)

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I suppose ideally I would like her to change her atitude to me but I don't supposwe that will happen.:(

NOOO !!!!!

Ideally you would change your attitude to yourself.

Then you wouldn't care less what she thinks about you ... only how you feel about yourself ... you'd know that that is the direct route to what you're really after.

When you stop caring what other people think / feel about you ... you will find they like you an awful lot more.

I don't watch Big Brother so don't have a clue who Eugene is.

I never said I was in love with her, just that she seems a nice girl and it is sad that she seems to have taken a dislike to me.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I don't watch Big Brother so don't have a clue who Eugene is.

I never said I was in love with her, just that she seems a nice girl and it is sad that she seems to have taken a dislike to me.

Do you think the problem may be that you care more about ... what she thinks of you ... than what you think of yourself?

You may be right Jamie. It would be easier not to care what other people think.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
You may be right Jamie. It would be easier not to care what other people think.

I'm not suggesting that you should actively 'not care' (which would infact, be just another form of caring and being bothered about what others think).

I am suggesting that you should cease to give it even a second though (what others think of you), be indifferent.

Of course, be aware of other people, but keep your focus firmly on (and within) yourself. Love yourself.

Do just that, and stop chasing after *it*. In time, *it* will come to you, and you won't even care if it does or it doesn't.

Jamie is giving good advice here Slimsid... You really need to like yourself and accept yourself.

There is help to do that - lots of techniques available. Have you spoken to your Doctor? Hopefully they are not just dishing out the tablets but helping you to get to the root cause of why you are taking them in the first place.

There is not just councilling but other methods to look into. Be pro-active. It will pay off.

When a person accepts what they are and begins to like themselves because of their good points ( list them!) they can work on the points they don't like. Either change them or accept it. But they also give off a vibe to others that they are comfortable with themselves and are just much more approachable and happier people.

From what you say this girl finds it uncomfortable around you... it's cos' you are not comfortable with yourself. Being harsh again and I am sorry for that. Take care.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I don't watch Big Brother so don't have a clue who Eugene is.

I never said I was in love with her, just that she seems a nice girl and it is sad that she seems to have taken a dislike to me. I think she probably isn't 'repulsed' by you but it sounds like you are giving off funny signals. You say that you get on well with others in the group. Can you discuss it with one of them and get them to find out what the problem is (if there is a problem) If she won't tell you, maybe she will confide in another group member. I'd be willing to bet that your 'nervousness' around this girl is putting her on edge. If a person was avoiding me and hiding in corners, I would feel on edge and try and avoid them too!:)

Originally posted by tulip
I think she probably isn't 'repulsed' by you but it sounds like you are giving off funny signals. You say that you get on well with others in the group. Can you discuss it with one of them and get them to find out what the problem is (if there is a problem) If she won't tell you, maybe she will confide in another group member.

Im not so sure id do that,to be honest.Think how it will look if it gets back to this girl that slimsid has been asking about her(whatever the reason may be).My advice,for what its worth,is to go to this event if,as you say,you enjoy it so much.Concentrate on what it is that makes you happy about being there,and try-really try,slimsid not to let the actions of these two get you down.Its none of youre business frankly,let it go.:)

SlimSid - mate you sound like you have a very low self esteem. I would agree with going to Thailand but not sleeping with hookers although its up to you....... often travel and meeting people is a great self esteem booster.

So are martial arts and keeping fit and sports.

Go to the docs aswell and get some anti-depressants bro.

You seem a bit paranoid aswell from some of your comments so maybe lay off smoking ganja and taking illicit substances ( I might be way off mark here - but I speak with some indirect experience).

Who cares if she doesn't like you I HATE backstabbers and bullies and people who have nothing better to do than whisper and gossip. - She sounds like a bitch to me.

Hmmmmmmm.
I can't work out if you're interested in this girl as in dating reasons or just want to be friends sid ..... if you're interested and the 17yr old boy is upsetting you because of his actions thats fair enough but she is rather young. If its just friendship you'd like then i'd say let it go .... shes obviously not worth it if she is being like that around you. I know its hard when you have little/no self confidence , ive been there as have many others but you need to be making friends with people who accept you and like you for who you are , not silly little kids that are going to upset you by doing what they do best .... being kids. Like its already been said , teenage girls especially can have a tendency to be quite nasty even if they dont mean it and pick up on body language even if you dont notice your doing it. Do you have other friends in this drama group? If not id suggest trying a different one. It may be a great place to meet people too but do you go for drinks etc outside the group? When youre all practising your lines etc theres not much time to get to know each other very well , maybe an outing with some of the better ones would make you feel better , without having to practise drama , just have a friendly chat etc. Anyway , if you go back there , try not to let her get to you ... shes just one girl in the world and not worth it if shes being off with you for no reason. I doubt she finds you repulsive , maybe just a personality clash? Theres loads of great people out there i just couldn't get along with , lifes like that sometimes. You need to focus on yourself more , not the actions of others. Now also like i said , it can be really really hard and i appreciate your making an effort but you need to learn to like YOURSELF first and not let the actions of others or want of female company get in the way. Theres more to life than ladies ! Focus on getting some real friends rather than chasing after people that obviously aint interested. Good luck ! :)

And as helpful as the "council" may be, I really think you'd be better off getting "counselling"... ;)

this is just echoing what other people have said really, but anyway.

Stop fixating on this girl. Not everyone in the world is going to like you, you probably won't like everyone you meet either.
Do you think other people go home worrying because you don't like them?

Presumably other people in the am dram group do get on with you, why not concentrate on them for a while, just being friends with them and forget about the behaviour of some girl nearly half your age.

and for crying out loud, follow some more of the advice and get to a forum meet, or a martial arts class, or something.

This is a very difficult question to answer SlimSid2000 and I wonder what your genuine motives for asking it is. Do you ask as you really are unsure as to why this little 17 yr girl doesnt like being around you or are you asking the question as you want people to boost your ego?

If you are, as some threads imply, in your mid thirties then it is very likely that this girl feels slightly threatened by you. She has probably picked up on the fact that you view her in a non-platonc way, and she perhaps feels that this is inappropriate.

Girls of that age are very huggy but you can not think for a moment that she hugs a chap of sixty in the same way as she hugs and kisses a boy of her own age.

Grow up and act your age. Stop obsessing over young girls, stop viewing every female you meet as a possible girlfriend and stop trying to create sympathy for yourself.

If you want a partner then maybe you need to show yourself as a man of integrity rather than a desperate old sleaze.

Originally posted by melbournian
You seem a bit paranoid aswell from some of your comments so maybe lay off smoking ganja and taking illicit substances ( I might be way off mark here - but I speak with some indirect experience).


sid mentioned he's on antidepressants.. if these are SSRIs (such as fluoxetine - prozac) then many "illicit" substances will not have any effect him anyway, as they prevent the reuptake of serotonin by the brain's receptors..

however, pot smoking can definitely be a problem.. i lived with a guy a uni who ended up being commited by his parents as he developed acute schizophrenia.. i can't be bothered to go into detail here, but i am 100% convinced it was a direct result of his constant and relentless pot smoking..

i have to say, though, that from sid's posts he doesn't sound like the sort of person to be into any form of illegal drugs, herbal or otherwise..

Originally posted by dirtybobby
sid mentioned he's on antidepressants.. if these are SSRIs (such as fluoxetine - prozac) then many "illicit" substances will not have any effect him anyway, as they prevent the reuptake of serotonin by the brain's receptors..

however, pot smoking can definitely be a problem.. i lived with a guy a uni who ended up being commited by his parents as he developed acute schizophrenia.. i can't be bothered to go into detail here, but i am 100% convinced it was a direct result of his constant and relentless pot smoking..

i have to say, though, that from sid's posts he doesn't sound like the sort of person to be into any form of illegal drugs, herbal or otherwise.. I think you are right about pot smoking bringing on mental health problems. It doesn't affect everyone that way but if you have a problem with slight paranoia, anxiety and low self esteem it will exacerbate the problem so Sid if you smoke the stuff it is not helping you! It doesn't cause mental illness but it can bring out latent mental illness. I don't know whether you even smoke the stuff - I'm going on what others have said. If you don't induge then my apologies

Originally posted by Hook
Get over yourself.

If she doesn't like you, and you aren't getting anywhere with her, and the guys all clearly fancy her and it gets you down, then give it up.

If you're letting it get to you and getting depressed over it, then don't do it.

It's pretty simple. But yeah... get over yourself :)

i found it quite disturbing acctually to realise that people were so blatently mean on this forum

Has this thread been retitled?

Originally posted by FilthFan
i found it quite disturbing acctually to realise that people were so blatently mean on this forum

I'm not trying to be mean, but in the context of all his other postings, he does quite frankly need to get over himself. I'm sure there's plenty of people to back me up.

He needs to get out there, start socializing and stop worrying about small things that don't have a big deal in our lives. If it's an annual thing, for a week or a few, it's not a big problem. If slimsid has a clinical problem, and needs treating then the last place he should be coming to for advice should be a forum, where in the words of my housemate (you know who you are, you'll be reading this... too shy to post yourself) "where the people talk about things they don't know about, and aren't qualified to talk about, and have no right to talk about".

I'm all for a bit of sympathy, but go back and read all of slimsid's threads. Although with his knack of forgetting to logout of public computers he uses (especially in the gallery at the uni) he could be anybody.

Got to agree Hook, there's only so much sympathy you can give when he gets the same well intentioned advice on all of his posts but keeps coming back with the same problem just worded differently.
He is never going to get any help here for these issues, sympathy and an ability to form a thick skin maybe, but not the solution he seems to be seeking.
shifting the focus to this girls lack of interest or acceptance of him is just kidding himself.

ok sorry hook put like that i can see where you are coming from

I don't think anyone has been mean. Most people have tried to say 'pull yourself together' in one way or another. If Sid is asking for help and he really wants it, then he needs to see someone professionally trained to help people in his situation. Lots of people suffer from anxiety & depression. If this is this case then he need to see a doctor. If Sid is just going to post his anxieties on here then these are the type responses he can expect.

Sid said initially he didn't want people to take the pee out of him, well that proves that he knew full well what was coming doesn't it?:)

it was just the way that the post was written to begin with. I interpreted it wrong, sorry hook i can see what you mean.

Originally posted by FilthFan
it was just the way that the post was written to begin with. I interpreted it wrong, sorry hook i can see what you mean.

Don't worry about it, there's no hard feelings :)

I am certainly not on drugs nor have I ever been. My problems (such as they are) stem from lack of a girlfriend, nothing to do with drugs.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I am certainly not on drugs nor have I ever been. My problems (such as they are) stem from lack of a girlfriend, nothing to do with drugs.

Slim,

have you ever tried internet dating? If you are not having any luck meeting elegible women in the 'conventional' way, why not give it a try? I mean this in all seriousness.

LC

Your problems don't stem from a lack of a girlfriend, they stem from low self esteem and possibly other porblems that we on the forum don't know about.

How many times do you need to be given the honest and caring advice, by many men and women alike, that you need to get out and meet more people - come to the forum meets, they are good fun, join some sports groups etc etc etc.

There is so much you can do to meet new and interesting people.

If not having a GF feels like a void, fill that void with other things such as sports, pub quizes anything that gets you out meeting people and putting some of the excellent advice you have had to practice.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I am certainly not on drugs nor have I ever been. My problems (such as they are) stem from lack of a girlfriend, nothing to do with drugs.

Maybe you could try them, they might make you more sociable and coinfident. If not then at leat you'd have a good time ;)

Why not stop reading all this well meant advice and make yourself a doctors appointment? Do something possitive instead of focusing all your attention on getting a GF? Sort out your own problems before your try dating. You need to feel good about yourself to get someone to like you. Tell every one your strengths and put your weaknesses to the back of your mind - no-one needs to know about everything you dislike about yourself - it puts them off:)

I don't know if you work or not Slim, but have you ever thought about getting a P/T job on the side?

Not for the cash you understand, but it will help you to meet lots of new people who will have no pre-conceptions about you.

I took a P/T job in a bar when I first moved to Sheffield, and from that I found several, extremely good friends, who I hope to remain in touch with for life.

It's worth considering, it will help you come out of your shell, and it may even help you to realise that you have a lot to offer the world.

Best of luck fella.

:thumbsup:

Originally posted by WallBuilder
You never know it may of expanded to

May of said "may have". ;)

Originally posted by liencam
I don't know if you work or not Slim, but have you ever thought about getting a P/T job on the side?

Not for the cash you understand, but it will help you to meet lots of new people who will have no pre-conceptions about you.

I took a P/T job in a bar when I first moved to Sheffield, and from that I found several, extremely good friends, who I hope to remain in touch with for life.

It's worth considering, it will help you come out of your shell, and it may even help you to realise that you have a lot to offer the world.

Best of luck fella.

:thumbsup:

this is excellent advice.. i used to work in a large call centre, and i would say a good 50% of my sexual encounters have been as a direct result of working there..

although i love my job now, i do miss the constant flirting that you get in a female dominated work place such as a call centre..

Originally posted by dirtybobby
this is excellent advice.. i used to work in a large call centre, and i would say a good 50% of my sexual encounters have been as a direct result of working there..

although i love my job now, i do miss the constant flirting that you get in a female dominated work place such as a call centre..

Well, I didn't want to go quite that far, but yes, the same was true for me.

I also managed to find my first three lodgers through working there.

I've not read the entire thread slim but my advice to any girl would be not to date you until you've become happier in yourself. IMO I feel that those who are desperate rto be in relationship often have insecurity problems in the relationship which only ends up destroying the relationship (others will disagree).

My advice would be to get out and about, if you're at college/uni get a P/T job working with people/customers (great advice from liencam) and get out at night socialising. What's your best friend or group of friends liek, are they supportive?

could it be that you've got really stinky breath or B.O?

something that is attractive to both sexes is confidence and cheeriness(?). Try thinking of ways to improve both and you'll see how people change their attitude towards you. Even if you are not too happy on the inside try to make look otherwise on the outside and people will want to be around you more, this in turn has the dominoe effect of actually making you happy which in turn makes others wanna be around you more. The reason that other dude has people around him is his confidence and the way he relates to others in a positive carefree way......I'm saying this with only having read the 1st page of this thread.

Remember :-) it definitely has an effect on others (scientifically proven)

this is a serious reply, why don't you castrate yourself (second thoughts get someone else to do it, preferably qualified) and become a eunoch, that way you wont have any more problems with girls and can come off the happy pills.....

Job done!

Originally posted by Big_Dipper
this is a serious reply, why don't you castrate yourself (second thoughts get someone else to do it, preferably qualified) and become a eunoch, that way you wont have any more problems with girls and can come off the happy pills.....

Job done!

Maybe you should change your user name to 'big SNipper' ?

Originally posted by Classic Rock
If you do this every year, why not have a change? Could you find a group with older people? There are many local amateur and dramatic groups around with a mix of ages. See it as progression rather than just sticking with what sounds like a youth club.

Get some new friends, pick better next time perhaps?

"even the greatest warrior can be a consumate fool in matters of the heart"

Originally posted by JoaquiNation
something that is attractive to both sexes is confidence and cheeriness(?). Try thinking of ways to improve both and you'll see how people change their attitude towards you. Even if you are not too happy on the inside try to make look otherwise on the outside and people will want to be around you more, this in turn has the dominoe effect of actually making you happy which in turn makes others wanna be around you more. The reason that other dude has people around him is his confidence and the way he relates to others in a positive carefree way......I'm saying this with only having read the 1st page of this thread.

Remember :-) it definitely has an effect on others (scientifically proven)

I'll agree with that! ...

Further more, how about actually genuinely caring about other people? wanting to make them feel good and happy?

Focus on making other people feel good, and you'll naturally feel a lot better yourself as well. Focus on yourself, trying to get for yourself, instead of giving and caring about others, and you'll just end up lonely, bitter and twisted. Be kind (http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/campbell-glen/try-a-little-kindness-642.html) to all people, with no though of reward or repayment, other than the feel good factor of seeing a smile on their face.

sounds like from all the lack of fun he's had out of it he'd be better just cutting it off....problem solved for him.... :gag:

Originally posted by Jamie
Maybe you should change your user name to 'big SNipper' ?

OK some advice from the school of do as I say, don't do as I do!

1. I've said this before but STOP OBSESSING! Theres is nothing so offputting as the cloying scent of desparation.

2. Take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself "Am I the type of person anyone would want to spend time with"? If not why not - and work on changing those things.

3. Do number 2 but getting a (preferably) female friend who knows you well enough that they won't pull their punches to play the part of the mirror.

4. Go out to have fun not to "pull" or even just to admire female flesh - if you want to do this go get some porno.

5. Remember women aren't another species they are human - speak to them as such!

6. Make an effort - e.g. this (http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?postid=547781#post547781) is not going to attract anyone. Are you really only interested in a good looking girl? Why? To boost your ego? To nail to wall as a piece of art??

7. Sell yourself - in the post above you put nothing in which tells us anything about you or why anyone would want to even talk to you.

8. Your 35 - stop lusting after 17 year olds you will only make yourself seem sad, desperate, sleazy or all of the above.

Originally posted by JoaquiNation
something that is attractive to both sexes is confidence and cheeriness

definitely.. if you're an average looking guy, you can be ultra successful with the ladies by just being a confident, smiley person..

if you look at it from the extreme end of the spectrum (which you don't want to venture into, but just as an example): who do you notice pulling the most birds when you're out on the town? ugly, po faced kids with poor dress sense and badly gelled hair.. why? because they're cocky b'stards and push the confidence-o-meter into the red..

obviously this is just a polarised example, and no-one is suggesting that you become an arrogant toni & guy clone like the lads described above.. but it shows how strong an influence one's confidence is on a girl..

Originally posted by evildrneil
go get some porno.

this is also an excellent idea.. might i recommend sunrise adams, or perhaps jenna haze? lovely young ladies lol..


please note, any links you find should be considered nsfw ;)

Just out of interest Sid, and following on from what evildrneil posted a couple of posts ago, do you have lots of female friends who all see you as friend rather than boyfriend, or do you not have any female contact at all? I've always had lots of female friends, all of whom would have run a mile if I'd asked them out but were quite happy to be friends with me. I've always been a good listener, and unlike that bloke on the advert, without one eye on the football, and that certainly helped. If this is the case with you, chances are there's nothing wrong with you personality-wise and it's just a question of finding the right female to click with. If it's the other option, then yes, you probably need to get out more!

I don't really see what good going to a doctor would do. i am already on medicatian and don't want to increase it unless absolutely necessary. I have had counselling in the past.

I firmly believe that if some kind girl would take pity on me and give me a little affection (I don't mean much, she doesn't have to be my girlfriend) then it would do more good than any amount of drugs or counselling. The girl i mentioned is capable of being affectionate with many people, though alas not with me.

I'm sure Sid wouldn't want to nail her against the wall, well not before he got to know her anyway....

We also need to remember that Sid may be clinically depressed so we shouldn't be calling him names like, "sad, desperate, sleazy or all of the above" or at least implying that...he may do something rash and irrational as a result.

Was very surprised to hear such cruel and insulting words from a moderator. :frown:

Originally posted by evildrneil


Are you really only interested in a good looking girl? Why? To boost your ego? To nail to wall as a piece of art??


8. Your 35 - stop lusting after 17 year olds you will only make yourself seem sad, desperate, sleazy or all of the above.

I think the Wicker Arches is where you would find such a girl, just take a few packets of cigarettes to barter with and then loosen your belt.... :heyhey:

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I don't really see what good going to a doctor would do. i am already on medicatian and don't want to increase it unless absolutely necessary. I have had counselling in the past.

I firmly believe that if some kind girl would take pity on me and give me a little affection (I don't mean much, she doesn't have to be my girlfriend) then it would do more good than any amount of drugs or counselling. The girl i mentioned is capable of being affectionate with many people, though alas not with me.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
if some kind girl would take pity on me

That really is not a healthly base for a relationship.

Get yourself to an unofficial Forum meet at the Dev Cat sometime, make some new friends, don't go to pull !

Even tho hotties are there :heyhey:

Originally posted by venger
That really is not a healthly base for a relationship.



I know it is not the basis of a relationship. What i had in mind was much less than that (and not sexual intercourse either.)

I don't expect this girl to be my girlfriend or to have sex with me. I just meant that a bit of a hug or a little kiss would be nice. She does this with other men. She is a genuinely nice girl who is very pretty.

The same would apply to many girls not just this one, it is just that this particular girl is one who I have some experience of.

Slim,

Do you have any female friends at the mo? are they tactile with you? It is very natural to hug and kiss friends - male and female, without sexual feelings ever coming into the frame.

If you do have a close female friend, have you spoken to them about your concerns and asked for advice as to how you may possibly change your ways and become more successful, on all levels, with the opposite sex.

Stop seeing all women as a possible girlfriend, this approach isn't helping.

Your obsession is starting to sound very disturbing now slim

Originally posted by venger
"even the greatest warrior can be a consumate fool in matters of the heart"
That quote rings a bell...

...where's it from?

is this an offer? :heyhey:

Originally posted by BruciesBabe
Slim,

Do you have any female friends at the mo? are they tactile with you? It is very natural to hug and kiss friends - male and female, without sexual feelings ever coming into the frame.

If you do have a close female friend, have you spoken to them about your concerns and asked for advice as to how you may possibly change your ways and become more successful, on all levels, with the opposite sex.

Stop seeing all women as a possible girlfriend, this approach isn't helping.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I know it is not the basis of a relationship. What i had in mind was much less than that (and not sexual intercourse either.)

I don't expect this girl to be my girlfriend or to have sex with me. I just meant that a bit of a hug or a little kiss would be nice. She does this with other men. She is a genuinely nice girl who is very pretty.

The same would apply to many girls not just this one, it is just that this particular girl is one who I have some experience of.

get over it. She doesn't like you. You can't just demand that someone hug and kiss you. Kissing is an intimate act, not something people just do for a laugh.
Teenagers probably get around a bit more than older people, within most teenage groups after a few years you'd probably find that most of them will have shared at least a drunken snog with the members of the opposite sex in their group, but if some 30 year old rocks up expecting the same treatment there more likely to get punched or have the police called.

Originally posted by BruciesBabe
Slim,

Do you have any female friends at the mo? are they tactile with you? It is very natural to hug and kiss friends - male and female, without sexual feelings ever coming into the frame.

If you do have a close female friend, have you spoken to them about your concerns and asked for advice as to how you may possibly change your ways and become more successful, on all levels, with the opposite sex.

Stop seeing all women as a possible girlfriend, this approach isn't helping.

eh? none of my female friends kiss me, my girlfriend would probably whack them in the head.
And I don't think slim is talking about a peck on the cheek.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I don't really see what good going to a doctor would do. i am already on medicatian and don't want to increase it unless absolutely necessary.

have you spoken to your doctor about coming off your medication?* i know a few people who were turned into emotionless zombies by anti-depressants, so maybe this is one of the factors contributing to your outwardly "odd" behaviour?

*before anyone acuses me from being a leftie who's against drugs, check out my other posts to see how wide of the mark you are lol

I was talking about a peck on the cheek as a greeting, as I'm sure this girl that slim is talking about is doing with the other members of the drama group.

I would be amazed if this kid was going round snogging all the men.

No she doesn't 'snog' them but she does kiss them. I'd settle for a peck on the cheek as this is more than I have ever had from a girl before.

I won't hold my breath though.:hihi:

perhaps she is just to frustrate SadSid in a kind of S&M kinda way, he sounds like a timebomb ready to explode IMO...

Originally posted by BruciesBabe
I was talking about a peck on the cheek as a greeting, as I'm sure this girl that slim is talking about is doing with the other members of the drama group.

I would be amazed if this kid was going round snogging all the men.

Have u ever had any physical contact with a girl whatsoever??

Originally posted by BruciesBabe
Have u ever had any physical contact with a girl whatsoever??

No.

Originally posted by 40summat
Your obsession is starting to sound very disturbing now slim

He has already stated that he has a problem, I thought that was a brave step.

Lay off a little maybe, people are so quick to amplify other peoples short comings :(

I think that response would have come across a little better with more words around it, sounds very chilling just like that.....:gag:

Originally posted by slimsid2000
No.

perhaps Bruciesbabe and SidSlim2000 could meet up for a drink sometime and become friends?

I think it will be difficult for the vast vast majority of us to offer you any further advice than what has already been given as the fact you have never had ANY physical contact with the opposite sex is almost unbelievable..

I am not talking about contact of a sexual nature, I was referring to friendship, like when u were in school or growing up etc etc.

It is a stright answer to a stright question.

I have never kissed a girl, hugged a girl, had a girl sat on my knee, felt a girl etc etc. What more can i say?:confused:

Originally posted by slimsid2000
No.

I keep trying to tell Jamie the same.

Women are to be enjoyed, loved and respected, not feared.

Vice Versa also before I get hit with handbags !

Big Dipper, many of us have suggested that Slim comes to the meets and makes friends with us, he wont.

MsBehaving even offered to meet up and take him for a drink, again he refused.

Originally posted by BruciesBabe
I think it will be difficult for the vast vast majority of us to offer you any further advice than what has already been given as the fact you have never had ANY physical contact with the opposite sex is almost unbelievable..

I am not talking about contact of a sexual nature, I was referring to friendship, like when u were in school or growing up etc etc.

Sorry, i misunderstood. I thought you were talking about physical contact.

Yes, of course I have had social contact with women.

I was talking about physical contact - but in a non sexual way.

Do you understand that not all physical contact between men and women is sexual in nature? This is a serious question, not a nasty one.

Originally posted by venger
He has already stated that he has a problem, I thought that was a brave step.

Lay off a little maybe, people are so quick to amplify other peoples short comings :(

Perhaps he ought to take the girls feelings in to account, he is happy to discuss her without giving her the chance to put her side of the story forward.
we are getting a one sided story.

Originally posted by 40summat
Perhaps he ought to take the girls feelings in to account, he is happy to discuss her without giving her the chance to put her side of the story forward.
we are getting a one sided story.

Fair comment, but I was talking generally about his condition rather than a particular relationship with a person.

If he wanted to go for a pint with me before checking out a forum meet, I would happily oblige.

I need no arm twisting to go for drinks and a chuckle.

Originally posted by 40summat
Perhaps he ought to take the girls feelings in to account, he is happy to discuss her without giving her the chance to put her side of the story forward.
we are getting a one sided story.

Fair point. I am conscious that I am talking a lot about a girl who doesn't know anything about what I am saying.

sid, do you have a faceparty (http://www.faceparty.com) profile or anything like that?

before anyone starts, i am not asking so that i can set the guy up for a verbal pasting.. i just think it would be interesting, and perhaps helpful, if we could see how you would present yourself in "profile" form.. it may reflect the way in which you come across to people in real life, and would help people give some tips :)

also, i have met some people (some friends, some more) through faceparty, so it might well be an idea!

Originally posted by venger
I keep trying to tell Jamie the same.

Well, thank you for your kindly disposition towards me and concern regarding my love life, Venger. However, you will be most pleased to learn, that I do not need any help or advice from you, on the subject of how to get along with the ladies.

If I did need advice, I would ask the appropriate people, i.e. my friends.

Thanks :thumbsup:

Originally posted by Jamie
Well, thank you for your kindly disposition towards me and concern regarding my love life, Venger. However, you will be most pleased to learn, that I do not need any help or advice from you, on the subject of how to get along with the ladies.

If I did need advice, I would ask the appropriate people, i.e. my friends.

Thanks :thumbsup:

Sorry to upset you Jamie, I shall make a note of ignoring you from now on then as I clearly do not fit into your little niche.

:wave:

Originally posted by venger
Sorry to upset you Jamie, I shall make a note of ignoring you from now on then as I clearly do not fit into your little niche.

:wave:

Oh, I am shocked!

Whatever gave you the impression that you upset me?? (you didn't).

:wave:

calm down eh....

Originally posted by venger
Sorry to upset you Jamie, I shall make a note of ignoring you from now on then as I clearly do not fit into your little niche.

:wave:

Originally posted by slimsid2000
I know it is not the basis of a relationship. What i had in mind was much less than that (and not sexual intercourse either.)

I don't expect this girl to be my girlfriend or to have sex with me. I just meant that a bit of a hug or a little kiss would be nice. She does this with other men. She is a genuinely nice girl who is very pretty.

The same would apply to many girls not just this one, it is just that this particular girl is one who I have some experience of.

Hi Slimsid

If I were the girl in question and I read the above about myself I would be extremely freaked out and maybe even frightened.

I realise that it may not be your intention to come across that way, but that's how I read it.

You've been given good advice from many people, not least to get out and do something to make yourself more attractive to the opposit sex - ie, build your self confidence. You don't seem to want to take any of it and return again and again to the same issue.

Why do you not go out with anyone from this forum, Sid?

Hi Slim,
Broaden your horizons, get out more, join clubs and mix, there are plenty more fish in the sea, continue to go to the club, but avoid like the plague the nasty girl who you like, let her know that you aren't interested and couldn't care less about her, she is adopting that attitude deliberately to hurt you, don't look at her, go round and talk to other people and you will gain confidence and feel better in yourself, good luck.:clap: :P :) ;)

Originally posted by chickmonk
Hi Slimsid

You've been given good advice from many people, not least to get out and do something to make yourself more attractive to the opposit sex - ie, build your self confidence. You don't seem to want to take any of it and return again and again to the same issue.

Why do you not go out with anyone from this forum, Sid?

i think this is what a lot of people are wondering, and is why people become frustrated and end up making jibes and having little digs at sid..

sid, the number of threads you have posted on subjects such as this is getting silly, and you have been given more good advice than all the series' of oprah and dr. phil rolled into one!

i really would recommend you don't post any more threads about the female kind until you have heeded at least some of this advice!

one thing i was wondering; do you have any brothers or sisters? do you find other family members have similar troubles to yourself? obviously your dad found himself a nice girl, otherwise you wouldn't be here to tell the tale :) what about your siblings?

Listen slim, i am still suspicious that this could be a wind up; but if its not then i'll chuck in my advice for what it's worth.

You have no right to have any relationship with anyone. It is not somthing that is given away. You make it sound like that it is not fair and that somehow life has mistreated you by not giving you girlfriends. When you look at other couples and get frustrated, you really have to ask yourself why?

All the people in relationships have took risks, had knock backs. Worked hard to learn the skills, (not literally but through learning socialising skills and techniques from a young age.) Basically they are willing to take risks. If you speak to most people who have had some relationships I am sure they will confirm that there have been a few heart breaks along the way. But they worked with it and moved on, and usually end up in a long term relationship. Married or not.

So Slim, You have to start learning the sociallising skills before you can move on to date women. You have to stop looking at girls and thinking what they could do for/to you. There is nothing worse or more off putting for most women. You need to start meeting people, including women for the sake of it. Over time you will get more confident and proficient in social skills; and bingo you will meet a girl who you share intrests and mutual attraction. Nature will then take its coarse.

So if you do want to have fullfilling long term relationsips you need to start to go out (not just pub) with people, be it work collegues, intrest groups (ie amateur dramatics) or even sf meets. And then enjoy the experience for what it is, ie meeting lots of interesting people. It is difficult but if you want somthing you sometimes have to work hard to get it.

If it is just close phyisical contact you want you can always try ladies of ill repute, but i suspect that this will leave you more empty than ever.

Slim,

Listen to JFKvsNixon, they are talking a whole lotta sense..

Originally posted by JFKvsNixon
stuff

<comic book guy> best.. answer.. ever.. </comic book guy>


fake edit: dammit, why are inline images disabled? grr..

I reckon this is either a wind up or someone on a university Psychology course conducting online surveys.

If this isn't a wind up and nature does take its' course I guess SlimSid will shortly get a sex chnage....:heyhey:

Originally posted by JFKvsNixon
Listen slim, i am still suspicious that this could be a wind up;

Nature will then take its coarse.

.

incest - a game for all the family.... :heyhey:

Originally posted by dirtybobby

one thing i was wondering; do you have any brothers or sisters? do you find other family members have similar troubles to yourself? obviously your dad found himself a nice girl, otherwise you wouldn't be here to tell the tale :) what about your siblings?

This is getting way off topic.

The origional question had nothing to do with my failure to find a girlfriend - it is about whether I should get involved in the theatrical even this year as:

a) I get upset by a teenage lad kissing etc lots of girls
b) I get upset because a girl who is nice to everyone else doesn't seem to like me.

I have not yet made a decision.

Originally posted by slimsid2000
This is getting way off topic.

The origional question had nothing to do with my failure to find a girlfriend - it is about whether I should get involved in the theatrical even this year as:

a) I get upset by a teenage lad kissing etc lots of girls
b) I get upset because a girl who is nice to everyone else doesn't seem to like me.

I have not yet made a decision.

Right, simple and only answer.

It's been a year, people change. Go to the group.

If it is the same when you get there, don't go back.

Don't be upset (jealous) of him. Coveting your neighbours Ox is a waste of time.

Other than that, take on the advice you are being offered.
People's patience is finite, and if you continue to go around in circles, you may find this resource of experiences (the forum) closed to you.
Broadly speaking the majority of people here do want to help you, but if you continue to ignore what is good advice, why should they continue to offer it?

Well, Slim old chum.
It's easy for me to sit here on my high horse and dish out advice.... so that's exactly what I'm going to do.

My view is, if you think you can face it, go along and just ignore this girl who (you think) doesn't like you. You don't even have to be rude, just don't bother trying to ingratiate yourself; don't talk to her unless she talks to you, and if she does then keep it brief.

You don't actually need the approval of other people, and it's largely out of your control anyway. If you've tried to gain someone's approval and they're not having it, then you don't have to bother trying anymore!

Besides, just because we are talking about a girl, doesn't mean that her respect is any more worth having. Girls can be exactly as fatuous and irritating as blokes.

As for the lad you mentioned, I'm not sure what to suggest, mate. Good luck though!

Originally posted by slimsid2000
This is getting way off topic.

The origional question had nothing to do with my failure to find a girlfriend - it is about whether I should get involved in the theatrical even this year as:

a) I get upset by a teenage lad kissing etc lots of girls
b) I get upset because a girl who is nice to everyone else doesn't seem to like me.

I have not yet made a decision.

the problem is, sid, that so many people find this such a bizarre question that it requires some back story and personal probing to establish why you feel this way.. it is not what would typically be considered "normal" behaviour, so in order to answer your questions we need to know why you feel like this..

i'm not asking you to explain it again, that has been made clear in your previous posts, i am just explaining why the thread contained so many personal questions and hypotheses..

Why would you think this girl and the lad will act the same as last year?
she could be in a relationship by now and so could the lad, some people do a lot of growing up in a year. especially young people.
chances are they will both be looking to pull but not each other and why should'nt they that's how it works.
If that is the case will it get to you, or could you handle it? only you know that answer but if you are not mature enough to put her out of your mind i fear you are going to be dissapointed

Originally posted by slimsid2000
This is getting way off topic.

The origional question had nothing to do with my failure to find a girlfriend - it is about whether I should get involved in the theatrical even this year as:

a) I get upset by a teenage lad kissing etc lots of girls
b) I get upset because a girl who is nice to everyone else doesn't seem to like me.

I have not yet made a decision.

I agree with dirtybobby. If I was a) bothered by everyone else that had or did something that I couldn't do or didn't have, then i'd spend a lot more time worrying about other people (who I have no right to be jealous of) and a lot less time enjoying myself.
and If I got upset about everyone who didn't like me, i'd spend my whole time crying or something.

Accept that there are people who will not like you, even if they like lots of other people.
Accept that other people will have things that you don't and stop getting jealous about it.
Do something positive to address things instead of worrying about the problems.

Originally posted by Bully_Beef
As for the lad you mentioned, I'm not sure what to suggest, mate. Good luck though!

Perhaps you should just kiss him Slim.

Alternatively mate, down a bottle of fine cognac, sit back with a nice smoke, wait til the alcohol takes effect, then take a running jump wearing a noose. That''ll solve all your problems in one! Well, I think it will!?! Or as another option. chill out, live your OWN life, enjoy TOUR time, don't worry about other people. The more desperate you are to get a girlfriend, the less likely you are gonna be to find a girl that likes you. Most girlfriends are a waste of your time anyway, the only 1 that really ever counts is the first one that feels the same way about you when you feel like there is no-one esle alive. I am drunk as I type this tho! So take everything I say with a pinch oif salt!

Word of advice, GC1 (gatecrasher1 - friday night - RUBBISH in every room! No decent eye-candy n the only women (well, girls, there were no women there!) I did talk to were as dumb as a speechless person with no tongue, what a dive it is now, NEVER AGAIN!!!

Would just like to comment, that last post is so very funny!!!:hihi:

Originally posted by osiris
Most girlfriends are a waste of your time anyway, the only 1 that really ever counts is the first one that feels the same way about you when you feel like there is no-one esle alive. I am drunk as I type this tho! So take everything I say with a pinch oif salt!

Word of advice, GC1 (gatecrasher1 - friday night - RUBBISH in every room! No decent eye-candy n the only women (well, girls, there were no women there!) I did talk to were as dumb as a speechless person with no tongue, what a dive it is now, NEVER AGAIN!!!

I'm getting a great mental image of someone who's just got in from a crap night out.
There you go sid, Osiris had a bad night, did'nt pull by the sound of it but i'll bet he's out there again having another go soon.

This is not even a thread about me getting a girlfriend. I never said I expect this girl to be my girlfriend or that i get involved with the event for that reason.

Also, why has the title of this thread been changed. Origionally there was no reference to 'the opposite sex' in the title. I think this gives a misleading impression of what it is really about.

I think this (http://www.uglypeople.com/voting.php?next=dXBsb2FKZWQvNzIwMjcvUklLQVJESU4uan Bn) is how the girl sees me.

Originally posted by 40summat
I'm getting a great mental image of someone who's just got in from a crap night out.
There you go sid, Osiris had a bad night, did'nt pull by the sound of it but i'll bet he's out there again having another go soon.

Too right mate! Out again tonight and you know what, last night was a laugh despite the crap music/ugly girls/expensive booze!

Anyway, back to the original post. Slimsid, you enjoy the event right?! So stop thinking about what someone else chooses to do with their time. Get on with enjoying your participation in the theatrical production, that is what you are there for after all!!

With years of experience in this production surely you must also know, and enjoy spending time with, other people there. Plus, if you want to look at it from a prepared perspective, any newcomers your age will likely feel a little intimidated at first, new surroundings and all that, so if you are warm and welcoming chances are they will be more likely to gravitate to you, thus evening the numbers.

Maybe that's a little cynical of me but I hope it helps anyway!

Many thanks to all those who tried to be genuinely helpful.
Just to let people know I have finally made a decision.

I have decided to put my name down afterall and hope for the best. In my heart I know it is a triumph of hope over experience but I try to be optomistic.

Also, if i decided to miss out I would probably wish i was involved when the time comes. Only time will tell if it is the correct decision.

I havn`t read all the posts
But good luck in your decision :thumbsup:
I am sure you made the best choice:D

I'll second what jayjay said

Its always better to regret summat you've done than summat you havent done.

basically, you can either do the easy thing and wuss out or do the hard thing and challange urself and go for it again. Failure is the only way we improve ourseleves... or u can wuss out and sit at ur pc all day :P so what if girls don't hug u, u can't win them all but u can get alittle better every time. maybe u do come accross as a freak, :P WHO KNOWS life goes on, we evolve daily...

Originally posted by 2c4s
Failure is the only way we improve ourseleves...

There is no such thing as failure ... only the gaining of experience.

(but great post all the same).

Last night was the first night I saw her again and as I expected she still doesn't like me. Although she didn't say anything she studiously avoided speaking to me all night and wouldn't even look at me.

I really don't want two months like that, so I am comming round to the idea that the best thing is to have a quiet word with her and ask her why she doesn't like me. I don't really know what good it will do (if any) but at least it gives her the chance to say what the problem is.

What do people think is the best way to do this. I don't want a row with her or anything and would like to be as diplomatic as possible.

As a last resort I could always pull out but to do that would effectively mean i would never be cast in anything again as to pull out when you have already been cast (except for illness) is deeply frowned upon and no producer would ever trust me in the future. This really is a last resort and something I would like to avaoid if at all possible.

Nah, don't do that. It'll probably make things worse. I'm not sure why it bothers you so much, but if you're just open and friendly to everyone else I'm sure she'll eventually get the message that you're a decent bloke. Best thing to do is not make an issue out of it by concentrating on her so much. :thumbsup:

Originally posted by slimsid2000
Last night was the first night I saw her again and as I expected she still doesn't like me. Although she didn't say anything she studiously avoided speaking to me all night and wouldn't even look at me.

I really don't want two months like that, so I am comming round to the idea that the best thing is to have a quiet word with her and ask her why she doesn't like me. I don't really know what good it will do (if any) but at least it gives her the chance to say what the problem is.

What do people think is the best way to do this. I don't want a row with her or anything and would like to be as diplomatic as possible.

As a last resort I could always pull out but to do that would effectively mean i would never be cast in anything again as to pull out when you have already been cast (except for illness) is deeply frowned upon and no producer would ever trust me in the future. This really is a last resort and something I would like to avaoid if at all possible.

Right.

Firstly, I hope no-one else responds and this doesn't go off on a tagent again.

Approach her, but not when you are alone. Make sure there are other people who are around to see that you are acting in a proper manner. They needn't hear you talk, they just need to be able to see what is going on.

Also, don't approach her when she is with other people. Only approach her when you know you will be able to talk (her temprement allowing).

You may have to bide your time until an opportunity presents itself, but it is for the best.

And whatever hapens or is said, remain composed. If it turns out she doesn't like you, react like an adult, do not leave the production.

:thumbsup:

Uh-oh, conflicting opinions!!

Toss a coin Sid.

Just ignore her back. I presume there are plenty of other people to talk to at the place yeah? So 1 of em doesn't like you? It aint the end of the world bub and on NO ACCOUNT should you pull out of doing something you enjoy just because of this.

Have you got many scenes together or owt? Might be a bit mroe difficult if that is the case.

just accept that she doesn't like you, do you go through life expecting everyone to like you?

Originally posted by slimsid2000
Last night was the first night I saw her again and as I expected she still doesn't like me. Although she didn't say anything she studiously avoided speaking to me all night and wouldn't even look at me.

I really don't want two months like that, so I am comming round to the idea that the best thing is to have a quiet word with her and ask her why she doesn't like me. I don't really know what good it will do (if any) but at least it gives her the chance to say what the problem is.

What do people think is the best way to do this. I don't want a row with her or anything and would like to be as diplomatic as possible.

As a last resort I could always pull out but to do that would effectively mean i would never be cast in anything again as to pull out when you have already been cast (except for illness) is deeply frowned upon and no producer would ever trust me in the future. This really is a last resort and something I would like to avaoid if at all possible.

To be honest this is not the first time a girl there has not liked me. There have been quite a few others over the years and also she is not the only one at present (though she seems more against me than some others). I suppose it just gets you down when this sort of thing keeps happening.

I think the advice of lincam is good. I will try to talk to her when she is not with other people but still in sight of them.

What do people think is the best way to phrase it - is it best to just ask her stright out if she doesn't like me or if I have done something to upset her?

I suggest explaining the basic facts to a suitible mediator anf taking them with you for this discussion (e.g. the production manager, as presumably you both know them and they are in a position of authority). That way the discussion will have to be fair and they could even suggest a solution, one that both of you will be more likely to accept and is more likely to be equally fair for each party.

And their presence means it can't get out of hand - even 'in sight' of other people that could happen quite easily.

Hiding away from it and worrying all the time won't do you any favours, tackle the problem but do it sensibly.

Best of luck! :)

Originally posted by SupraSteve
And their presence means it can't get out of hand - even 'in sight' of other people that could happen quite easily.


My suggestion was more to do with any complaints the girl might raise after Sid has spoken to her. I don't for one minute expect it to get out of hand!! :)

If I remember rightly there is a fair age gap between the two, with her being quite young.

Why care if someone doesn't like you? Does it bother you so much if a male doesn't like you? I would just ignore her back. If she doesn't like you, it's her problem, not yours.

I have just read all eleven pages of this thread and am new to the problem.
The Forum are really doing their level best on this one!
Are other members of the drama group aware of any bad vibes?
There must be some whose company you enjoy and who make the event worthwhile for you?
You clearly have some talent or you would not be cast each year.
My advice would be to speak to one of the older, more established members of the group. Someone who knows you for who you are and this girl and the effect she has on people.
The ideal would be for them to suggest to the company as a whole that everyone should work in a friendly way together.
The producer would feel that a happy company would give its best.
Or am I being too idealistic?

I'm glad to hear that you have gone back to the drama group sid, sorry it hasn't got any easier though.

As for advice, from a girls point of view (and trying to remember back 11 yrs to when I was 17), I would not appreciate someone who I didn't like or felt uncomfortable around, for whatever reason, coming to ask me why I felt the way I did. It would make me more uncomfy.

If you are intent on finding out why she doesn't like you, then I think asking her in front of other people is a good idea as she wouldn't feel as threatened.

Sid, you say that other women have responded in a similar way to you in the past, you need to address the reasons why this is continuing to happen, otherwise you are going to be going through this dilema on a regular basis.

Good luck.

To be brutally honest, I wouldn't ask her why she doesn't like you because you might not like what she has to say.

Someone I once worked with was once asked by a woman "you don't like me do you?". He replied "there's a lot of people I don't like - don't worry about it".

Sid, I haven't had time to read through all the posts on here, so I apologise if I'm repeating what has already been said.

The fact that this girl is acting in this way suggests to me that there is something in your manner that makes her feel threatened or uncomfortable. I wonder if it is because you are trying too hard to be liked. Have you got any female friends at all that would be brutally honest with you? If so, it may be an idea to ask if your approach could perhaps be seen as a bit "creepy", (for want of a better expression).

Maybe you are just trying too hard, need to relax and just be yourself. Even then, not everyone is going to like you, but you'd be unusual if they did!

When you are enthusiastic about something, as you seem to be about this event/ club, it automatically attracts people.

Enjoy!

Originally posted by liencam
My suggestion was more to do with any complaints the girl might raise after Sid has spoken to her. I don't for one minute expect it to get out of hand!! :)

That's part of what I meant by it getting out of hand. :)

Hi Sid,

I would defo *NOT* approach her, or ask her why she doesn't like you, you'd just be adding fuel to the fire. Be more indirect about it.

You could approach another member of the production, and confide in them. Ask for their advice / help.

Also, you may want to consider, why do you need her to like you? Be honest with yourself about this, and get to the bottom of it.

I don't know your situation sid, but perhaps, it's your need to be liked by her, that is freaking her out?

Just relax, be natural, and honest with yourself, and confide in the appropriate person (someone who you like, and who seems sympathetic to your cause).

Again, relax, relax, and relax some more and certainly stop trying so hard, because with some things, the harder you try, the worse off you are!

Good luck :)

If it's any consolation Sid, there are plenty of women (myself included) who find the idea of being pawed and kissed and made to sit on the knee of a bloke who I know to have a girlfriend utterly repulsive. He may have more obvious succees in the gf stakes, but please don't take him as a role model in this instance.

Neither of them sound very nice to me, and there are lots of people in this world who I choose not to be around because I don't find them pleasurable to be in the company of. What I don't do is spend loads of time worrying about why I don't like them or they don't like me. That wastes loads of perfectly good 'having a good time' time.

It's OK for them not to like you. You don't need to know about, understand or appreciate why. Do new things, meet new people, make new friends. For every 100 people you meet maybe only 5 will click with you, but by putting yourseld through this all you are doing is squashing your spirit bit by bit, stopping you from meeting new people and making new friends.

There are millions of people in this country, at least half of which, I reckon, would find me tiresome/boring/whatever. If I spent my life worrying about them I'd never get to meet the rest. Put yourself first and stop worrying about the impression you create.

Not sure if this is a big wind up or not but for what its worth....

Get a life.. if you get out more, see more people, do more stuff, enjoy life and stop fixating over what is essentially a tiny insignificant fleeting moment, a molehill sized thing that you are making a massive mountain out of you'll be a whole lot happier.

When your life is full of interesting stuff this kind of thing will mean nothing to you.. you won't even notice her.. there are lots of people out there who will like you so don't waste a second of your time on people who obviously don't.

Go to a forum meet and meet some nice people.. leave this girl alone you're obviously freaking her out.. and stop toturing yourself with pointless, obsessive thoughts.

Stop obsessing and get out and enjoy life! :clap: :clap:

Blimey, I've just been on an 11 page journey through this thread, wasn't going to comment 'til I got to your idea about approaching this girl and asking here why she doesn't like you...

This sounds like a very very bad idea to me, as a few other folks have said - it could well make for a bad atmosphere (at least). I obviously don't know anything about this girl but I could imagine you're not going to like what she says and it's going to make the situation worse.

I know of people who aren't that bothered for me - so-what, lots of people think I'm cool and they're the people that matter, the one's that don't like me much - that's their loss not mine!

It's all extremely odd that a 30 something bloke would give a toss what a 17 year old girl thought about you, particularly to this extent.

I was wondering - do you get on well with other people in the group? Do any males seem to take a dislike to you or is it just females?

Just try and be a bit positive with the rest of the people there, try and be intresting, try and entertain people - if other people think your a decent kind of person who are there this girl will be in a minority on 1 and she'll look a fool.

If you go through life being all doom and gloom people ain't going to want to be around you, male of female, friends or girlfriends.

Slimsid:

You really need to take ecstacy, everything will look after itself after that.

..the secret of getting girls to talk to you is simple...

be yourself,be honest,make them laugh,and dont ask to much of them,they are out to enjoy themselves as im sure you are so join in,you dont have to score first night,but the next night they remember you and im sure they will acknowledge you,thats a start,build it up from there.
unless you have three heads i cant see why you are having problems, dont mutter,dont grope and dont be on a perminant downer,just join in...........good luck

god i wish i was young again......its the best time of your life,enjoy it dont go chasing rainbows,take it as it comes.............. [/B]


I am reluctant to agree with that advice as it really doesn't work. BE YOURSELF is not the best way to play this. Because the simple fact is that if YOURSELF, in the norm, is not able to cope with such social situations as described, then changes need to be made. Yes I know BE YOURSELF sounds really good idea, but think about it for a minute....if you are too shy to talk to girls, and always sit about in the background, or find everything makes you want to withdraw socially, then BEING YOURSELF is the wrong approach.

Now its relatively easy to completely re-map your behaviour and attitudes in situations like this. You can take a number of different steps here. I used to be in a similar situation many years ago and was very shy of girls and meeting people, and it was causing me to be excessively miserable and depressed, so much so that I was withdrawing further from social activities to the point where it was causing physical panic and anxiety. Now then you know its time to deal with it, once and for all.

The basic problem you have here is you are letting other people control your life. You are specifically letting the opposite sex control your life by giving them totol control over you. If you are too shy to talk to them or have nothing to say, THEY have all the power over you. This needs to be REVERSED so that YOU have all the power.

Now there are 100's of dodgy websites and E-books telling you many different ways on how to do this, but most of them are all the same and rip-off each others insane woffle. You dont want to start doing that because it can become very addictive, and get you nowhere.

How I dealt with this was simple. The whole thing about POWER and CONTROL over social situations is about UNLEARNING your current behaviour and re-mapping your power over social situations and specifically the opposite sex.

Now I learned the hard way and its STILL the best way. One of my friends at the time back in the 80's was the total opposite of me, could pick up ANY girl anywhere, had numerous girlfriends running all the same time. You dont want to go that extreme but I learned, simply by observation, the sort of guy girls tend to go for by watching him at 'work'. The answer is to ozze total self confidence by the bucketload, and never to give the woman the POWER that she has at the moment. That is, if you chat up a girl and she rebuffs you, that is her loss, not yours, this is NOT a rejection but valuable experience in failure, which you must have before you can actually understand and accept success.

My friend made me go out and picked out random girls in the street, in bars, in clubs and told me to just go and talk to them about anything without trying to pick them up. ANYTHING! Talk for 1 minute and then end the conversation and move away. I did this, the first time was PAINFUL but it gradually made me realize that women do not have POWER that men usually assign to them....that standing around with no courage looking nervous and unable to talk to them makes them just about as uninterested in you as you can possibly get....

Its about relearning confidence through experience.....I can help you a lot more..thats the HARD way, straight in at the deep end and by the end of the night I had randomly chatted to over 45 girls and felt great. The next time I went out I got a date, simply because I had built up the confidence and believed that I was now in CONTROL of my social situations.

I have helped a few others in the 'field' shall we say by taking them out and showing how easy it is to actually talk to ANYONE, with the greatest of ease, and that there is NOTHING to fear from talking to women because, if you get what is known as the connection gaze, (see below), they WANT you to talk to them.

CONNECTION GAZE:
This makes it even easier because if you get this right, you are home and dry. Catch ANY womans eye and try and hold her gaze for 3 seconds or more, with a slight raising of the eyebrows, ie questioning permission to approahc and engage in chat. If she turns away before 3 seconds is up, she is not interested in your 'advance' and has rejected you, so to actually then approach and talk is virtually doomed to fail unless you are a real Master in this area. If the women holds your connecting gaze for 3 seconds or more, and THEN turns her head away or looks sideways or down, then SHE is inviting you to approach her in this complex form of body language messaging. Better still if she looks back and holds your connecting gaze for a further 3 seconds, you MUST approach and engage chat mode. It never fails. You might only get 1 women out of 10 who returns the gaze, but its so much easier then to work out possibly the TYPE of woman that seems to go for you in the physical sense, rather than stumble about making unwanted unvances. This works in the street, in bars, clubs, buses ANYWHERE......

Now if you want to see this in action, happy to demonstrate. I can go out and talk to anyone, either without the connection gaze or with, depending on the outcome I am seeking. It is so easy its like breathing, you just have to learn it and absorb it into your psyche.

Remember ONE thing if nothing else....oh read the next post, run out of room

If you're going to meet a woman, you have to know how to start a conversation with her. There's just no way around it. You must engage her in some manner, and the easiest (and most accepted) way is to talk to her.But this is where most men choke.
Have you ever been in a situation where you saw a really beautiful woman that you wanted to meet, and then suddenly your brain took a vacation and you simply COULD NOT THINK OF A SINGLE THING TO SAY??? And then, before you know it, the moment has passed, the opportunity is gone, and the woman you wanted to meet is now gone
forever!

Or worse yet...You ARE able to think of something to say to her, but the conversation quickly fizzles out and the girl moves on, leaving you feeling like you've blown your chance!

Being able to quickly engage a woman in a conversation DRAMATICALLY increases your ability to get them on a date!
See, when you have a conversation with another person, you're not just simply TALKING to them. What you're doing is creating rapport and comfort with that person, which are the necessary building blocks of HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. Without rapport and comfort, there is no way you can get a girl to give you a serious commitment to see you again.

Now, I know that there are some blokes out there who would rather take a swift kick to the teeth than talk to a girl. But that's because they simply don't know what to say to a woman to get aconversation started with them!

WHat you say is irrelevant and should be spontaneous but not CHEESEY, for the opener is a line you can use to start a conversation with awoman that has the ability to lead into a larger conversation and more interaction with her. It's the catalyst of every interactionyou'll have with a girl.

I want you to understand that your lack of confidence comes from your current BELIEF SYSTEM.If you get nervous around women, or rehearse failure or bad things in your mind, it's because you've TRAINED YOURSELF to believe that
way.The real trick in fixing this and helping to RE-TRAIN yourself tofeel good feelings and be confident is self-examination.
You have to take a good, hard look at who you are and what youbelieve. Otherwise, you will just keep doing what you've alwaysdone!


Sit down and think about the problem
you have.
"I get scared when I see a woman I like and can't talk to them."
Then, analyze your statement and ask:"Why do I feel that way?". So let's say you get scared because you think the girl is going to laugh in your face or just ignore you. Then ask yourself:

"Why do I believe that?"

Serioiusly it all comes down the way we think and feel about ourselves, and the rediculous way of lot of men give UNLIMITED POWER to women, in that we are all terrified to approach and chat them up. REALITY is th total reverse. Women WANT to be appraoched by confident, happy guys, and not to have guys not metring their opening gazes, not responding to their body language, etc etc.

This is putting it very basically, but if you need assistance, the best thing anyone can do is to take you out into the field and show you how its done. And take it from me, meeting all the women you want to is EASY. Really, it is. Its just your mind and lack of self confidence telling you otherwise. BEAT IT, don't let your learned behaviours ruin your life....

We are here only once, there is no reason why you should not have successful relationships and social groups, because we humans are very much social creatures, and to be afraid or nervous of the opposite sex is counter-productive to common sense and everybodys future! Do not put women on a pedestal and give them so much power over you......because that is what most men do, and its so easy to see by watching others.

Wow! Where do we sign up?

Yeah, that's an excellent post goldenfleece!

The thing about 'just being yourself' however, I think can mean several things.

I'd say do be yourself, but force yourself in to situations that (you think will) make you feel uncomfortable. While you're in that situation, relax and be natural, you don't need to work too hard to impress or pretend you're something you're not.

Feel comfortable within yourself, while in an uncomfortable situation.

Obviously, if something's not working, don't just be yourself, in the sense that you continue to do what you've just been doing, because you'll just keep getting what you've been getting (not much).

Whatever you fear to do, at any moment in your life, that's the thing you should be doing (unless it's something like jumping off a tall building with no parachute).

That's just what I need to do, and I know, every single time I've been afraid to talk to a girl (and there's been a few!) but I've gone and done it anyway, she's actually been quite pleasant and nice to me (much to my suprise).

I really think it's all about overcoming fear, and what's the best way to overcome fear ...

[edit]

Checkout this (http://www.coping.org/growth/fears.htm) site for tips on overcoming fears.

Originally posted by Tubthump
Slimsid:

You really need to take ecstacy, everything will look after itself after that.

Thanks for that helpful advice Tubthump. at least you didn't say cyonide, i should at least be greatful for that.

I'd say do be yourself, but force yourself in to situations that (you think will) make you feel uncomfortable. While you're in that situation, relax and be natural, you don't need to work too hard to impress or pretend you're something you're not.

Feel comfortable within yourself, while in an uncomfortable situation.

Obviously, if something's not working, don't just be yourself, in the sense that you continue to do what you've just been doing, because you'll just keep getting what you've been getting (not much).

Whatever you fear to do, at any moment in your life, that's the thing you should be doing (unless it's something like jumping off a tall building with no parachute).

That's just what I need to do, and I know, every single time I've been afraid to talk to a girl (and there's been a few!) but I've gone and done it anyway, she's actually been quite pleasant and nice to me (much to my suprise).

I really think it's all about overcoming fear, and what's the best way to overcome fear ...

[edit]

Checkout this (http://www.coping.org/growth/fears.htm) site for tips on overcoming fears. [/B]


EXCELLANT!! Its all about confronting your fears and simply diving in and dealing with them. SO many times when I go out do I see guys standing around in clubs with a drink, and HIDING behind their drink, and I see them LOOK at some women and its obvious they want to talk to them...but they just hop about from one foot to the other and look miserable and do NOTHING..

THE ONLY CURE IS TO DIVE STRAIGHT IN AND FOLLOW THE BASIC RULES...

1) eye contact and holding the gaze with girl for more than 3 seconds
2) Approaching her and engaging her in a conversation that has a clear direction and potential to develop into other subjects and NOT "DID IT HURT WHEN U FELL OUT OF HEAVEN BABE"!!!!
3) If she is with a group of friends know HOW to get her away from her friends at the right moment and form that all important social and personal BOND which is the right ingredient to get a date!!
4)Realize that women LOVE confidence blended with a certain amount of teasing...
5) GET A DATE...

The rules have never changed, just the way they are played.
ANYONE..regardless of looks (TOTALLY REGARDLESS) can date the most beautiful woman in the room IF they can get the first 2 points above right....after that, with an invitation to approach via body language and good conversation with an unlimited potential for ongoing development, the only way you can FAIL to get a date is if you cock it all up and reveal lack of confidence at any single moment......even if the girl is seeing someone else you can get a date with her......if you choose too.....remember that most men give all women the power to control them by treating themselves as unworthy of chatting to such a beautiful woman as they feel they wont be good enough...turn things around and make yourself in total control.....

Beautiful women get chatted up all the time, every day, they are BORED silly and reject 99% of these as most come from guys using outrageous cheesey chat up lines or from nervous guys with no self confidence trying to sort out their inhibitions about women...DONT BE ONE OF THOSE.....what you need to do is not be intimidated by them and not appear to worship the ground they walk on.....they are just people like all of us and we are all worthy.

This could go for a long time this thread......so much to say on this subject...

So, Dr. Love (and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way), regarding rule 2. You see a girl you like and do the eye contact thing. What do you chat about?

This could be a whole new thread.

Originally posted by goldenfleece

1) eye contact and holding the gaze with girl for more than 3 seconds


See, this would get me straight away. :thumbsup: Instantly flattered (or easily pleased? :confused: ). x

Originally posted by Sidla
So, Dr. Love (and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way), regarding rule 2. You see a girl you like and do the eye contact thing. What do you chat about?

This could be a whole new thread.

I don't suppose the actual topic is vitally important, just so long as you can hold a conversation and don't pick something as a topic that she hates.