Because of various events that have happened over the last couple of days with me and a "close mate", I was just wondering, do you think we need a best/close friend? By close i mean, someone you tell your secrets to, someone you can trust, someone you know wont let you down, someone you can rely on to be there for you when times are bad etc...

Opinions please :)

I'd personally say yes.
Being able ot get things off your chest in your time of need or anytime is a proven fact to give psychological benefits.

If you have no one you can share things with depression can ensue and you'll soon be visiting the shrink.

Your best/close mate can also be a family member rather than someone with no blood ties.

Yes I think we do, I only really have a couple that I tell everything because I know deep down they wouldn't breathe a word to anyone..

They know who they are ;)

Keeping things to yourself is a bad idea :shakes:

Up until a few months back I hadnt had a best/close friend since school. I thought i could trust my mate but turned out obviously not! I used to trust people too easily- now things have changed- i cant trust anyone but myself now.

Originally posted by Deejay
Yes I think we do, I only really have a couple that I tell everything because I know deep down they wouldn't breathe a word to anyone..

They know who they are ;)

Keeping things to yourself is a bad idea :shakes:

Thats all im going to do from now on though, keep things to myself. Looks like il be seeing the skrink soon :(

Definitely. I have a close friend, of over 40 years standing. We've been through troubled times together. We are always there for each other, through good times and bad. Someone to talk over your problems with, but never judgemental, which is so important. If I've got a problem or a worry to share, my friend will be at my side, listening and talking. I am very privileged to have such a close friend.

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
Thats all im going to do from now on though, keep things to myself. Looks like il be seeing the skrink soon :(

As a friend Kirsty I can only say this.. At your age thats alot to handle and not a risk I would be willing to take myself..

Just my opinion :)

It's a shame you feel that way Kirsty.
Try not to let past experiences of friends who have let you down stop you from trusting someone else.

Not everyone is the same, maybe you just need to find a friend you can rely on not to tell a soul. They are out there, you just need to find one.

It's true that the main person you can trust is yourself as you say, but try not to let it become a type of phobia by not letting anyone become a close friend in the future.

We all need people we can talk to :D

but i am going by trusting people i shouldnt have in the past, like i said I used to trust people really easily. Now i feel like i cant trust anyone. I went 2 years without having a close/best mate and got on fine- but i told my parents everything. Now I just feel that im 18 I dont want to be telling my parents things they dont need to know if you get me... Its too hard to explain.

I totally understand where you're coming from with regards to not wanting your parents to know things which may be too personal.

This is why I think it's a good idea to get out there and meet some new people. When you find someone you "think" you may be able to trust, start small by mentioning something not too personal. Then gradualkly build it up.

I don't think there is any hard and fast rule when you had your confidence knocked by someone being mistrustful but like the old saying goes... if you fall off the horse... you need to get back on again.

hey you've taken the first step by coming on here... now all you need to do is take the next... what that or how that comes about is up to you :)

its going to be a loooong long time before i can trust anyone again though.

If someone doesn't seem like a complete idiot I'll tell anyone who shows enough interest most things if they ask me.

Not the dates I'm going on holiday and where I keep my valuables obviously, but you know what I mean!

everybody needs friends, someone you can really trust.....maybe even somebody you can trust with your life.


but at the same time, friends shouldnt come between you and your family

Originally posted by melthebell
everybody needs friends, someone you can really trust.....maybe even somebody you can trust with your life.


but at the same time, friends shouldnt come between you and your family


I agree with you completely, Melthebell. The only thing is - where are these trustworthy people to be found? :(

StarSparkle

Yeah, you definately need someone you can tell anything, you'll end up exploding if you don't let things out sometimes and we all need advice now and then.

Trouble is it takes years to build up that kind of friendship and trust with someone and unfortunately i've found there's no shortcut.

definatly need best mates, iv had a best mate since school, over 20 yrs now, we can see each other, tell each other everything, not see each other for as long as 2 years, and when we meet up again it always seems like it was only yesterday we last met, true friendship is hard to find , but when you do find it, dont let go.

I thought it was only girls that had best mates?


Seriously, keeping things to yourself will toughen you up, make you more self reliant and all. It may sound like a really awful thing to say, but when it comes to the crunch, you're always on your own, and knowing how to handle things by yourself is going to be a benefit.

Use the "betrayal" to your advantage - now's the time to stand on your own two feet and see what you're really made of!

I have best mates who I can tell everything to. I think as you get older you need these people as you face trials in your life and they'll need you.

Don't bottle it all up. Very bad idea.

You cannot just find thses people but make friends as normal and you'll soon realise who you can tell what to.:)

Originally posted by StarSparkle
I agree with you completely, Melthebell. The only thing is - where are these trustworthy people to be found? :(

StarSparkle

ive always had a few like that :)

Originally posted by melthebell
ive always had a few like that :)

I envy you - in a nice way! :thumbsup:

StarSparkle :)

awwwwwww

im sure theres somebody there for you, too

Originally posted by StarSparkle
I envy you - in a nice way! :thumbsup:

StarSparkle :)

Originally posted by melthebell
awwwwwww

im sure theres somebody there for you, too

Nah, I'm alright really, cheers. :thumbsup: I'm just remembering the times when I've been too trusting and been badly let down by friends I thought better of.

I just really liked what you said about having friends who you could maybe trust with your life - I think it would be wonderful to have a friend who was that close.

I suspect it's not all that common though? From what you say, it sounds like you've been especially blessed with your friends :thumbsup:

StarSparkle :)

There are maybe 3 or 4 people who I would trust with my life. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to work out who these people are. Sometimes it ends up being the people who you least expected it to be. I have been let down in the past by close friends, but certain friends have stood by me through some pretty dark times and have always been there for me.

When I've been depressed in the past, the thought of these people brings me through it. I can only smile at the fact that I'm so blessed.

dunno if you really need one.... but my "best friend" has really been there for me through a lot over the last 4 years! i have only known her for 5 years but she is an absolute star... i have had many ups and downs and she has been through everyone with me supporting me all the way.... even times when i am ill with cold or owt she has come knocking on my door with the painkillers and soup!!!!!

more recently since my daughter has been born has she been there for me even more than i would have expected, she spent the whole night in childrens with me slept on a camp bed(i got the chair!!!) as mini sav had susected meningitis...
she offers to come to all mini sav's appointments so i am not alone,...
she babysits for me when needed and is always there 24/7..
so she really is great.....

but you do need to learn who to trust and when to trust them... i know she would never say owt to anyone about anything and same goes for me about owt she tells me.

:clap: :clap:

I'm a bit too trusting and that has led to me being let down sometimes, but we learn from experience.

I'm really lucky, i've got several fantastic close friends. But, each one is individual and I think one of the reasons we remain close friends is because we've got to know each other over time, we're aware of - and accept each others good and bad points. I think that is what makes the friendships so comfortable.

I have one close friend who I met because my husband and hers worked together. We just hit it off the very first time we met and we've been good friends ever since. I know there are some things I can tell her and she will understand, equally there are some things I don't tell her, because I know her views differ from mine.

I've got another friend who I met only a year or two ago, again we hit it off straight away - I can be 100% open with her, we sit and talk for hours and hours, but we don't see each other that often because she's moved away and I miss her like mad.

Another friend tends to use me for support and confides in me but she never shuts up long enough for me to confide very much in her! But we're close and we know we'll always be there for each other. When we first me we didn't get on, but over the years we've built a close almost 'sisterly' friendship and that means we sometimes don't see each other for months and other times we see and speak a lot.

Every friendship is different, everyone brings their own unique qualities to enrich our lives. I'm also a strong believer in being a good friend and if someone tells me something in confidence, I keep that confidence - it's a two way thing.

My first partner kicked me out so she could be with MY best friend. After that I thought - no more best friends - so I settled for just a friend. Silly me. Give you just one guess. Not saying my wife left me for anyone at all, but he did not help.

So - no more friends. I can live without.

Dragon

I spent my school days at boarding school and made some very close friends while I was there. Since I left though, I hardly see any of them and have lost touch with a lot.

Now I have a few friends but no-one who I would say was a best friend. Most of my friends live elsewhere and the few that are in Sheffield are more work colleagues than good friends.

I do really miss having a few girlies who I can go shopping/ out for dinner or a drink with. Though I do find now I'm a bit older that I feel weird introducing myself to people, as though they'd be suspicious of my intentions.

I am always really envious of people who have one or more very close/best friends. It's something I haven't really had since I was very young, and I think everyone definately needs someone they can confide in about anything.

Like others here I have been badly let down by people in the past. Especially once I got to secondary school and there was so many two-faced people around who would pretend to be your best friend one minute and then gossip behind your back the next. Unfortunately I ended up growing up learning not to trust anyone. And let me tell you - it's a VERY heard thing to un-learn.

I don't think it helped when I became very good friends with someone at university - someone who I considered to be my best friend - but who had a very tight-knit group of friends at home and made it very clear after a while that she didn't need any other friends (she questioned why they had been advised at school to go to different universities - her words were "if you've already got the friends you want, why do you need any more?").

I find that I make friends quite easily now, but none of them are especially close friends - no one I could ring up if I needed a shoulder to cry on. I always find that everyone else already has a best friend and they don't need another one.

Originally posted by banesmabes
I am always really envious of people who have one or more very close/best friends. It's something I haven't really had since I was very young, and I think everyone definately needs someone they can confide in about anything.

Like others here I have been badly let down by people in the past. Especially once I got to secondary school and there was so many two-faced people around who would pretend to be your best friend one minute and then gossip behind your back the next. Unfortunately I ended up growing up learning not to trust anyone. And let me tell you - it's a VERY heard thing to un-learn.

I don't think it helped when I became very good friends with someone at university - someone who I considered to be my best friend - but who had a very tight-knit group of friends at home and made it very clear after a while that she didn't need any other friends (she questioned why they had been advised at school to go to different universities - her words were "if you've already got the friends you want, why do you need any more?").

I find that I make friends quite easily now, but none of them are especially close friends - no one I could ring up if I needed a shoulder to cry on. I always find that everyone else already has a best friend and they don't need another one.

I can really sympathise with/relate to your post, BanesMabes.

Once you've had a very close friendship with someone and then they really let you down in a big way, it can be very hard to allow yourself to get to know someone as a friend that closely again.

I had a very close, almost sisterly, friendship with a girl at university. We were student flatmates - we told each other everything and sat up chatting well into the night sometimes. We went supermarket shopping together - I even chummed her to the dentist once!! I thought it was the sort of friendship that would last all our lives.

I won't go into details of what went wrong, except to say it involved a bloke (my ex-b/f). I felt totally betrayed, there was a big row, and me and my friend hardly spoke again.

It was such a shame - I still feel sad about it, but I could never, ever have trusted her again.

I still find it hard to trust females!

But to have a bestest friend, who you can trust and rely on and confide in, is a great thing.

StarSparkle

Just been reading this thread and think some of the stories are so sad. My best friend is an essential part of my life. We both think we are lucky to still be best friends since meeting when we were 12 ( 20 yrs on and still going strong)and now live in different cities. But I find I need her support and for her to make me laugh more as I get older and I probably appreciate her much than when we were at school.


I have other friends for other functions ( that sounds very cold not meant to): Wine bar friends, after work drink friends, theatre friends, badminton friends, swimming friends, mums and baby friends, go for meal friends etc... I like them all and enjoy their company and appreciate they make life that much happier - though wouldn't trust them with my life. That's my best mates role.

If you have been hurt badly please don't rule out never having a best mate ever in your life. I hardly ever agree with my best mate and we have fallen out but I'd be lost without her though my phone bill would be cheaper.

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
its going to be a loooong long time before i can trust anyone again though.

Kirsty,

What has your 'close friend' actually done?

me and my mate have been best mates for 15 years , im her godmother to her eldest daughter and she is godmother to my eldest son we phoned each other every night and even work together in the same shop . we talk to each other about our problems with men and the kids

I learnt the hard way that you don't need to be surrounded by lots of people who you call friends but just a handful who you love and trust and who love and trust you back.

I have a handful of such friends - everyone else I know are people I will chat and have a laugh and have fun with but we would have a long way to go before they are trustworthy as i'm sure i do with them. Trust is something you earn through the things you do - it is not something that is given automatically.

Originally posted by serapis
Kirsty,

What has your 'close friend' actually done?

without going into all the details- she basically has been taking me for a mug this last 2 or 3 months. She has got me in trouble at work where i could have probably end up getting the sack for if i hadnt have explained things to the boss, she has lied to me and landed me in it with her boyfriend (not that I really care about that- but she still lied to me) Basically to narrow it down - iv been playing the MUG again- just like i got treat at school.

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
without going into all the details- she basically has been taking me for a mug this last 2 or 3 months. She has got me in trouble at work where i could have probably end up getting the sack for if i hadnt have explained things to the boss, she has lied to me and landed me in it with her boyfriend (not that I really care about that- but she still lied to me) Basically to narrow it down - iv been playing the MUG again- just like i got treat at school.

yeah doesnt sound much of a friend.........it should be two way.

theres plenty more friends out there tho :)

its not you being a mug as such, its her taking advantage of your good/helpful nature

*huggles kirsty*

Originally posted by melthebell
yeah doesnt sound much of a friend.........it should be two way.

theres plenty more friends out there tho :)

*huggles kirsty*

hmmm well hope one turns up soon otherwise, as mentioned earlier in the thread- i might just have to go see a shrink!

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
hmmm well hope one turns up soon otherwise, as mentioned earlier in the thread- i might just have to go see a shrink!

:(

im sure it cant be that bad


as the streets sing "stay positive"

well suppose il have to do until/if i find anything friend- until then theres only one way to keep me happy...

**walks over to cd player and puts green day on**

:)

il be your friend kirsty.

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
without going into all the details- she basically has been taking me for a mug this last 2 or 3 months. She has got me in trouble at work where i could have probably end up getting the sack for if i hadnt have explained things to the boss, she has lied to me and landed me in it with her boyfriend (not that I really care about that- but she still lied to me) Basically to narrow it down - iv been playing the MUG again- just like i got treat at school.

Not much of a friend.

In reply to the original post we do need close/best friends. I often feel that the relationship between two best-friends is important as a realtioship with your partner and parents. Loyalty and trust plays a big part and like yourself i've been let down by people i classed as good friends and searched myself why. I just think certain people are like that and that these people (like you ex-friend) can never be trusted as a best friend.

Genuine friends are out there but it's on of life experiences that we need all go through i'm afraid. You'll make new friends i'm sure and over time you'll learn to know who can become that close friend

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
well suppose il have to do until/if i find anything friend- until then theres only one way to keep me happy...

**walks over to cd player and puts green day on**

:)

That’s the spirit! "American Idiot" by any chance, just don’t listen to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" or "Wake Me Up When September Ends".

A friend is someone who gives a lot to a relationship and in return receives a lot. If you mate is "taking you for a Mug" then she is obviously not being a good friend. Make sure you know the full facts as to why she has acted the way she has. You don’t want to find out some time later it was all a silly mistake that went wrong. Think it through and if you have the gall, confront her and ask her why?

Then I suggest take a bit of time, pick yourself up and get on with life. Don’t lower yourself to her level and just ignore her from now on.

There are plenty of people out there who could one day become great friends. Women seem especially good at forming relationships like that. Some on my best mates I have only known for the last 3 years, since I moved up to Sheffield.

Im sure there are plenty of people on here who can give you what ever advice you need and are more than willing to help, me included.

*************************************

my best friend doesnt know some stuff about me...known eachover about 15 years.

i dont feel comfortable someone knowing every little thing thats going on in my mind...if they did maybe they would look at me differently...trusting someone is difficult thing to do.

sadly the more you trust someone...the more of a let down it is when they betray your trust.

if you find someone you think is honest and they are willing to listen, then tell them what you feel comfortable with...and if they listen and give advice without being judgemental then you have found a friend.

Originally posted by melthebell
:(

im sure it cant be that bad


as the streets sing "stay positive"

kirsty knows better than to listen to the streets thou :heyhey: dontcha? kirsty! hehe.

and u cant get a shrink round here ;) i've booked them up for weeks!. :)

you know where i am if u wanna chat.....but please...no martini, whiskey or vodka again! :gag: hehe

Originally posted by louise170419
il be your friend kirsty.

aww thanks! and your from hackenthorpe too, i used to live over there!

i used to walk over to hackenthorpe from woodouse a lot .....and from woodhouse to beighton to hackenthorpe too :P

iv walked from my house in woodhouse to crystal peaks if that counts :)

Yeah Theo, NO MORE VODKA WHISKY MARTINI infact NO ALCOHOL

well kirsty we could meet up and i can offer you a shoulder to cry on or we could invite melthebell and go to a pub and get slaughtered with pepsi and ice and hackenthorpe hasnt changed at all only the kids have got bigger

sounds cool. where in hackenthorpe do you live?

just off dyke vale road near the shops

so your quite litterally up the road from me, well... down the road and up the road.. if that makes sense. I live just up from the bottom of dyke vale.

do u live near stone lane then

Yeah thats oposite side of the road to where i live!

know stone lane well lol very quite at nite hee hee

oh yeah... should i ask on a public forum what you do down stone lane at night! i think not...

walking the dog lol and i think we r having a 2 way conversation im asking you for advice and trying to be a mate as well 2 u

i know iv noticed hahaha :)

hope this hasnt ruined our new founded friendship

ofcourse not! :)

im glad kirsty here to a new friendship have you got msn?

yeah- replied to you on other thread - im getting confused now lol

me 2 mate this is getting confusing

Is this the kirsty and louise show? (it beats eastenders!)

yes it is but kirsty gone now and im all alone boo hoo

Dang, I was enjoying that ...

I was waiting for one to offer the other a massage :heyhey:

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
Because of various events that have happened over the last couple of days with me and a "close mate", I was just wondering, do you think we need a best/close friend? By close i mean, someone you tell your secrets to, someone you can trust, someone you know wont let you down, someone you can rely on to be there for you when times are bad etc...

Opinions please :) Absolutely! I have 3 close friends who I could share anything with. They have been around for years and we will always be there for each other.

Most of us would be really lonely without our best friends. If you don't have a best friend then I think you are missing out on what a wonderful supportive environment you could have ...

I wouldn't be without my best friends for all the world, as I have said before, I am really lucky to have quite a few 'best friends' I hope you find yours.

Because of various events that have happened over the last couple of days with me and a "close mate", I was just wondering, do you think we need a best/close friend? By close i mean, someone you tell your secrets to, someone you can trust, someone you know wont let you down, someone you can rely on to be there for you when times are bad etc...

Opinions please :)

I to have been here and am very wary when it comes to trusting people after the last years events. I can think of 4 people i actually thought where friends close friends. And them friendships turned out to be not what i expected. 2 of the people i know for years. I have always come across as quiet a hard person to get on with. But i have only been like that to protect me self. One of the friends last year told me i needed to calm down and chill a bit. I did but they turned out to be one of the first people to door mat me, when i let my wall down. I was there for all 4 of my friends weather it was listening to them moan about there sister. Being there through relationship problems, taking them out with me and my family.Cooking them meals, inviting them to parties or taking them shopping. But last year i went through a very bad phase and got bad deprestion. Not just because of how these people treat me but because i had neighbour prolems. Which where effecting me and my kids, and there seemed no help or no where to turn. So i took an overdose because i could not cope no more. But this only showed to me who my trued friends where because through all this katie and jane where there. I didnt have to tell them something was wrong, they knew. And katie wrote letters for me to council to help wth our priority application and jane came and visited me and talked some sense in to me.Bt where was the others they was not there at all. I guess what im trying to say is its great to have close friends just aways remember it dont matter how long you known someone or who they are they can always hurt you. Just be wary with who you class as a close friend. I wont have close friends other then katie and jane anymore, the rest will only ever be friends. I have moved home now and never felt better. I hope you solved your problem hun sorry to ramble but needed to get that off my chest. lol x

I have just the 1 true friend, all the rest of em that I thought were friends turned out to be a waste of time/money/space.

Grew up with one lad, spent all his childhood telling racist jokes and calling his staffie by the name of "black bast***", verbally supported the BNP on several occasions.
Quite a few of my childhood best friends were black and half/quartercast, racism don't even equate to me, sometimes some of his racist remarks cut me deep.
Then this kid finds his own little student clan, one of which is a black kid, I don't see them often, but there was once when I did, it turned out I was a racist, according to this black kid.
Never really spoke to him, never gave him cause for such beliefs, but it turns out that my so called friend, is going around behind my back to other friends asking them of their opinions of me and spreading general crap.
I'd done this kids garden for free, cabled his house up for free, saved his dad £300 on a T.V.
Not heard from him for a few years, then I get a phone call out of the blue, can I go and deck his loft for £50, cheeky git, I guess he don't know that I aint left the house for years.
Then I get another call about 6 months after, he wants to get all his mates together like the good old days, it was a good day for me and I decided to go and meet up, seeing as I rarely get out (10-20 times a year, if i'm lucky).
He'd bought me a relatively expensive gift, a figure from games workshop, I guess he don't know that I aint painted any models for over 15 years, and I no longer had an interest in games workshop models.
I let him know that day, that I'd obviously outgrown his impression of me and that he was downgraded to drinking buddy, and considering I don't go out anymore, he should think himself lucky if he does catch sight of me.

I don't think he even knows what our kids are called.

Then there was another guy I thought was a lifelong friend, he lived with us for awhile, treat our home like a doss, house, paid naff all towards our running costs, and still had the cheek to say we were ripping him off when we wanted money for our fags he was smoking.
He ruined our life, then got slammed in prison.
On getting out of prison, I got him a job, let him stay with us when he'd been evicted by his landlord, to have him peeing all over our bathroom, getting drunk and falling asleep all over the place, burning holes in the carpets, treating our kids like scum.
We ended up throwing him out.