Are you in a relationship with a control freak or are you the one who has to be the one in control? Your experiences?

I have a relationship where control is not an issue.

(unless you mean the TV remote?)

Originally posted by Deavon
I have a relationship where control is not an issue.

(unless you mean the TV remote?) I heard the one in control of the TV remote control is the dominant partner!;)

I think there is always one in a relationship that is a bit more 'equal' than the other but sometimes people take it to the extremes.

Give and take Tulip, or you'll sound like a nosey journalist.

Your experience is... ?

Originally posted by Strix
Give and take Tulip...

I see you have discovered the true secrets of a successful relationship!:hihi:

:rant: Gimme that remote :rant:

*Takes remote by force*

(You could say that Deavon :hihi: )

Originally posted by Strix
Give and take Tulip, or you'll sound like a nosey journalist.

Your experience is... ? I agree with nosey but journalist? Is that because of all the typo's I make?:)

I didn't say anything about me being the definite doormat for fear of being accused (again) of only wanting to talk about myself! I can't win!!!!!:D

What's it like to hold a remote control, I'd like to know before I die......?:D

Sorry Tulip.

I am very close to somebody who's in such a control-freak relationship that it spills out and affects others outside of that relationship.

Originally posted by tulip
I agree with nosey but journalist? Is that because of all the typo's I make?:)

I didn't say anything about me being the definite doormat for fear of being accused (again) of only wanting to talk about myself! I can't win!!!!!:D

Sorry sweetie... only having a jake! You should be able to talk about whatever you want on these pages!

So what happens when the TV remote is shared equally?
There isn't a dominant partner in our house as far as i'm concerned. I think myself and kblade 'know' what we can and what we can't do/get away with.
I'm going to use a trivial example:
I know that if i forget to record kblade's programs when she is at work, i'm mincemeat :nono: Yet if there is something i want to watch, i get to watch it with no arguments at all. I guess we've just learnt to work it out without arguments. This goes for virtually everything, except money! :wink:

OK.

At the risk turning this into a 'my relationship is better than your relationship' thread...

I have never once had an angry word from my partner...

in 4 years!

The only things we argue about is what we should wear, what we should buy, where we should go, how much we should spend... You know; constructive stuff!

I have a buddy who knows my faults and accepts them. I am so lucky to have found someone like that!

Strix, I wasn't making a joke out of this. I was keeping it light but it's bound to spill over into other relationships because it isn't good for the persons self confidence, it makes them feel incapable of doing everyday stuff.

Yep, that's pretty much my interpretation of it :thumbsup:

The only thing is - the bully in the relationship now has a lower opinion of the person who's suffered the intimidation, and is now dividing the crummy bits of a relationship (finance, teenagers, all other responsibilities) to the partner, but is indulging in all the nice bits (nights/days out, luvvy cards and texts) with somebody else

Be careful Tulip :(

Originally posted by Strix
Yep, that's pretty much my interpretation of it :thumbsup:

The only thing is - the bully in the relationship now has a lower opinion of the person who's suffered the intimidation, and is now dividing the crummy bits of a relationship (finance, teenagers, all other responsibilities) to the partner, but is indulging in all the nice bits (nights/days out, luvvy cards and texts) with somebody else

Be careful Tulip :( yeah! That sounds like a bad situation, I hope this person can find a way out:(

It is often true that one half of a relationship will seek some sort of dominance over the other. It all depends on a persons point of view concerning control.

We all have our individual beliefs on how things should be done and compromise is sometimes difficult. This gives a choice of either arguing through and getting nowhere, conceding a small issue - such as the remote - or allowing this to spill out into areas where there was no conflict originally.

If a person is better at finance in a relationship, then it is practical that they control the budget. If a person in a relationship is an electrician, then when something electrical fails in the house they hardly want to be told what to do to repair it by the partner who knows less.

Sticky points come with the way we are raised - when both partners believe differently and rather than discuss and reach agreement - the acting submissive partner simply gives in to the other. Take christmas presents. One partner has always placed presents beneath the tree on chrismas eve; the other has always placed them at the foot of the bed for whom they are intended. The one who would put the pressies beneath the tree simply rolls over and allows the other to continue as ever. This causes friction and gets added to a list which is later used in arguments making them worse than what they actually are.

The question is - does it really matter?

Drqagon

Don't you think it's sometimes the case when one partner is convinced he/she has a divine right to take over the decisons
probabley being brought up tp think he/she can do no wrong.

hazel

Not in this case Hazel. Quite the reverse.

It's interesting that this person was reared in a family where one parent believed themselves omnipotent. Unfortunately, although this person disapproved of this scenario, they seem to have adopted it as a 'norm' and have taken this role in their own family :confused:

Originally posted by tulip
Are you in a relationship with a control freak or are you the one who has to be the one in control? Your experiences?

I am in control of our relationship and I have my partner's permission to say so.:D

So it's really a case of repeating the pattern even though they knew at the time it wasn't what they wanted for their future life.

Suppose the only way to get rid of this is to educate parents especially the Mothers.
Educate a womsn you educate a family.

hazel

Hi Tulip,

I was once in a relationship with a complete control freak, he wanted to control everything I did were we went what I wore you name it I had to get permission first.


After being with this person for 3 years I have now moved on and In a very happy equal relationship with my new partner. :clap: and VERY happy.

As it turns out he was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome during those 3 years and this is what he blamed it on, and to a certain degree I think it was, However it was very hard to deal with and accept that he had asbergers syndrome.

Just mail me if you need a chat.

What's aspergers syndrome silversapphi?

Its a form of autism, that effects alot of things about how you act and interact with other people, so things like he wouldnt recognise my facial expresions, we would have arguments that could last upto 4 hours somtimes, if I was being stubbon and wouldnt give in. :(

Originally posted by silversapphi
Hi Tulip,

I was once in a relationship with a complete control freak, he wanted to control everything I did were we went what I wore you name it I had to get permission first.


After being with this person for 3 years I have now moved on and In a very happy equal relationship with my new partner. :clap: and VERY happy.

As it turns out he was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome during those 3 years and this is what he blamed it on, and to a certain degree I think it was, However it was very hard to deal with and accept that he had asbergers syndrome.

Just mail me if you need a chat. Good fo you:clap: I'm glad you are happy. I feel like a winger now. I just hate how one person thinks they can make all the decisions - big or small and they think they are always right even when they are totally wrong. Person A has all the power and person B can protest until they are blue in the face, person A always gets their own way:mad:

Originally posted by hazel
So it's really a case of repeating the pattern even though they knew at the time it wasn't what they wanted for their future life.

Suppose the only way to get rid of this is to educate parents especially the Mothers.
Educate a womsn you educate a family.

hazel Sometimes that is the case but sometimes it is just a persons personality. They just think they know best and don't believe in give and take.

Originally posted by silversapphi
Its a form of autism, that effects alot of things about how you act and interact with other people, so things like he wouldnt recognise my facial expresions, we would have arguments that could last upto 4 hours somtimes, if I was being stubbon and wouldnt give in. :(

That's interesting. This person rants without interruption for over 2 hours at a time :suspect:

my relationship is very equal.
i let shane choose the colour of the decorating first, then i have my say
i ask hubby what he fancies for tea, then i do what ever he fancies ( a few weeks later)
i always let him choose which takeaway we are having, then give him directions to the one we are actually using that particuler night :clap:

see its all little things like this that make happy equal marraiges n relationships :thumbsup:

ohh and we even share equally in our business, he does the tattoo's and i take the money :D

It depends on what you call a control feak....

if it includes, being told what to do and when to do things, having to ask for money, not being able to enjoy a night out- without asking first, bank account is in their name, rent book is in their name,
being left in when they go out with mates for a night out, being left to bring up the kids while they work, making sure the house and garden is well looked after- so no complaints, and not having a life of my own..... then id say possibly.

my mate is in a relationship with a control freak and iv tried my best to get her out of it because its getting pathetic. Her boyfriend has only turned into a control freak because when we went away the other weekend she slept with someone behind his back and now he wont let her out at night, SPEAK TO ME, go out without him etc. But she loves him and therefore will do anything he says!

She is 17 and he is 33 just for the record!

Originally posted by Kirsty_87
But she loves him and therefore will do anything he says!


So much so that on just one weekend away she managed to sleep with someone else. :rolleyes:

I know people who are horribly henpecked. They have to give their wages up and get allowances and are never allowed out on their own :loopy:

Personally I prefer a 50/50 relationship. I am a bit too nice sometimes though and must do more "you are a tiger" pep talks in the mirror.

It always seems to be that the women are in control of the money and the men are in control of the bills.....

Originally posted by t020
So much so that on just one weekend away she managed to sleep with someone else. :rolleyes:

wow t020...I'm with you on this ;)

So, he turned into a control freak BECAUSE she cheated on him

Well, the poor girl. He should be more understanding surely?

*sigh*

Originally posted by robbie
I know people who are horribly henpecked. They have to give their wages up and get allowances and are never allowed out on their own :loopy:

Personally I prefer a 50/50 relationship. I am a bit too nice sometimes though and must do more "you are a tiger" pep talks in the mirror.

It always seems to be that the women are in control of the money and the men are in control of the bills..... Carry on being yourself. You can't be too nice. If someone see's your nice personality as a weakness then they don't deserve you:)

Its happens to every nice guy. comments such as...

"can't you just be a bit...meaner sometimes?"

well I'll take a baseball bat to you if you like love :loopy:

To other people, it may seem that there are control issues in my relationship.

My partner's wages are paid into my account and I pay all the bills. We each have an allowance for the week which I physically hand over (this is spent on anything of our choice). However, this set up works for us and is more to do with financial management than control.

We are just beginning to have friction about 'control' issues re our child and the best way to do certain things. We have differing approaches to bringing up a child but as I am more insistent (read stubborn) about certain issues, I usually get things done my way.

P.S. I also control the remote

Originally posted by tulip
Are you in a relationship with a control freak

No ...But my wife is.....!!!!!!

:gag: I was once in a relationship, where he was so clever and I was so infatuated that he managed to put me in a financial position that made me loose my house and give up my job. Now I'm a single mum on income support with a lot of bitter feelings. (No I'm not a man hater)

I was married to a man who was in the army. He used to make us all stand on duty every morning. Extra duties were handed out if we didn't comply. It was a nightmare.

My word goddess, that sounds bloody awful, how many years did you have to suffer that!!!???

I only put up with it for 5 years. Had to leave him in the end as it was so cold in the winter in Germany

Did he make you sleep outside????

Originally posted by robbie
Its happens to every nice guy. comments such as...

"can't you just be a bit...meaner sometimes?"

well I'll take a baseball bat to you if you like love :loopy: Maybe it does happen to nice guys but it's an immature reactions to say 'can't you be a bit meaner' When nice guys meet the right nice person everything changes because the right person for you will treat you with respect whereas guy's who believe in nonsense like 'treat em mean to keep em keen' don't tell you how many nice people they have lost with that attitude, it doesn't work for them, they just think saying it makes them looks clever. If you see people chasing after a meanie then they have confidence problem & you can do with out that:)

Do you think in this relationship business that people mature beyond the person they were when they married.
Therefore they are left with one in the partnership having chosen a quiet shy partner to boss around and finding a few years on that this is not so and has to fight to keep dominance.

hazel

hey got a solution to ur problem!! dont have a tv! thus no remote control to argue over thus problem solved!! :thumbsup:

Originally posted by Ditz
hey got a solution to ur problem!! dont have a tv! thus no remote control to argue over thus problem solved!! :thumbsup: We have a TV but I don't watch it, I sit here talking to people on SF and tying up the phone line!

Originally posted by t020
So much so that on just one weekend away she managed to sleep with someone else. :rolleyes:

Yeah in the bed next to me, while i was alseep! So she says she only slept with him because she was drunk (i cant remember whether she was drunk or not because i was a little bit sozzled).

We arent mates anymore anyway.

I can see where your coming from though, if she loved her boyfriend she wouldnt have cheated on him, i know. I know i never would cheat on someone- whether i was drunk or not. Hopefully he will find out other lies she has told him then she will learn her lesson.