Hi everybody just want to ask something, how do you cope with funerals my grandad died on saturday and I have got to go to the funeral as it as been quite a while since I have been to one. how does everybody else cope with it, my grandad was 92 when he died and I have lost one of my best pals he was always there for me even when he was very ill would I be wrong to cry for him when he goes on his last trip I am 51 on sunday does a grown man cry or do I do it when I am on my own and away from everybody, bearing in mind that when I was younger I wasnt allowed to cry at funerals that was the up bringing of my parents if I did cry then I would get a belting off my dad for showing them up. I never went to my dads funeral as I was told he had died 4 months previous by my stepmum when I found out when I wanted to see him he was still alive but that was took away from me my right to go to his funeral and me being the oldest son I should have been there. so how does everyone cope with funerals ?

Take it as it comes, dont be ashamed of your emotions. When its all over go down the pub and celebrate the fact that he lived for 92 years.

I wish I could go down to the pub but as I am a recovering alcoholic I dont think that would be a very good idea. I would love to have a drink and remember the times we did share our views over a beer. but it is not possible and I am only 10 weeks dry at the moment I dont think my girlfriend would be happy if I had another relapse or my family come to that and besides if I got really smashed there might be some home truths come out of me and that would not go down very well.

I know of your past history bigkev...and well done for staying off the drink!

I would say let it all out - don't be afraid to show any emotion during the day...although your relative had a 'good innings' it would be unfair to say this makes it less upsetting...any loss of a dear, cherished family member is a very, very sad time!

Hope the day goes ok and the forum is always here if you need to talk again in the weeks to come!

:)

Hiya bigkev,

Take a couple of hankies. There's nowt wrong with a good cry. Forget about what you were taught as a kid about big boys don't cry. It's old hat now.

Sounds Granddad meant the world to you. So say goodbye to this grand old man in your own way. But as the eulogy is read, make sure you've got that hankie ready, and if you feel like a cry - don't hold back.

Regards

Red

PS. 10 weeks dry now. Congratulations bigkev. :thumbsup:

bigkev ... hello again, my friend - so very sorry to hear about your grandad. You'll miss him a lot and it'll be very hard to keep your composure at the funeral, I'm sure.

Make sure you have a hanky in your pocket and if you cry, don't be embarrassed or ashamed ... tears are a natural emotion when we're struggling to cope with our feelings. You'd be a hard person not to weep for someone who meant so much to you.

You'll be bound to cry for him, either at the funeral and when you're alone and you may find that it happens sometimes when you least expect it, weeks or months later. The past is behind you and no-one will be belting you for showing your feelings at this funeral. Celebrate his 92 years but allow yourself time to grieve too.

Also like to say well done for sticking to your resolve to keep away from the booze. Good man :thumbsup:

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Cry as much as you want and where you want!

Bigkev....all you can do is see what happens on the day....everybody reacts differently at funerals.

All I can say is that funerals are a way of saying goodbye, and is usually when the grieving process really begins....if you feel you want to cry, then go ahead.

Just one thing, on a lighter note, make sure your mobile phone is switched off....it can be really embarrassing (as my youngest sister found out) when a mobile rings, is in the bottom of a handbag where it is difficult to find, and then, in the panic, the off switch mysteriously disappears.;)

My step Dad died about 18 months ago and as usual at funerals I got the giggles!

I don't know why, I don't mean too, but something always starts me off. I don't mean to be disrespectful and I am upset so I don't understand why I do this.

Fortunately the tears rolling down my face are mistaken for ones of grief.

I suppose I have become quite use to death as I have experienced more than my fair share of it.

My advice is not to worry, people will be dealing with their own grief in their own way. As for crying you will be probably find that seeing one person cry could start you off anyway. My partner did not cry at his grandads funeral and no-one thought anything of it. A lot of people do their crying in private. Just be natural and I am sorry about your recent losses.

Have a good old cry, that's what funerals are for. It's a real shame that your parents taught you it was wrong to cry at funerals but I hope you can overcome this teaching and let your natural emotions take precedent. I always shed at least a few tears at funerals, and I always find this has a kind of purging effect, it makes me feel better, more human, to know that I do feel such deep emotions and I actually leave the funeral feeling happier and at ease with myself.

I think this is part of the reason why we have funerals, to allow an outlet for our inner feelings, and for anyone to supress it is a real shame.

I always cry at funerals - always have, always will.

I leave them feeling better for the experience. Regard the funeral as a celebration of a life, and your grief a the natural consequence of that person not being with you to share YOUR life from here on in.

If you're a religious man, take comfort from the holy books of your faith.

Take things as they come on the day. Odd as it sounds I remember that at some funerals I cried before or after but not during; other times I got weepy during hymns. Just go with your feelings; apart from having your phone ring out half way through, falling in to the open grave or yelling 'I'm glad he's gone', there is no real wrong way to behave.

Practicalities - take the batteries out your phone - I'm more paranoid than Ann on this one. Take some cash so you can give the vicar something for his church funds, or to tip the drivers, if you're senior mourner. A couple of hankies - stick in different pockets so you're not lost for one. Indigestion tablets - I often get heartburn. Stress, I think.

Congrats at staying off the booze, and I hope all goes as well as it can be expected to go on the day.

Joe

You may find that people you expected wouldn't cry do.
A funeral is just as much for the people who are there as it is for the person who has passed away.
It is a time to let go in every sense and if that means crying then feel free to do so, most people will. Like someone else has said, giggling sometimes happens too. I attended a very painful funeral last year for a friend who was 30. I cryed all the way through as did others but came out at the end with a sense of happiness and relief.
You will probably find a lot of support there too and make new relationships with people who are sharing your grief too.

I wish you well for the day.
xxx

hey bigkev, please accept my condolences on your loss..

if you want to cry then cry, my dad never shows emotion and at my aunts funeral he bawled his eyes out as well as all the other men in family. no one will think bad of you as it is a sad time. i would also advise it more for you as you feel like you could have a drink., crying is a way to let the emotions out and if you hold it in then the demon drink will get in too.
as previous posters have said take the day how it comes, cry when you want to and dont worry about it. i think on the day though you will know how to be



P.s Congratulations on being dry for 10 weeks:clap: :clap: :clap:

Originally posted by bonny
Like someone else has said, giggling sometimes happens too. I attended a very painful funeral last year for a friend who was 30. I cryed all the way through as did others but came out at the end with a sense of happiness and relief.
One of the funniest events I have ever been to was a funeral, for a friend who was in his early 30s. It started off rather depressing as par for the course for a funeral. Then somebody from the Humanist Society, who hadn't known Bill, came on to read a prepared eulogy. While listing his good points, he read "Bill was a keen gardener, with green fingers". The entire congregation fell about the aisles laughing. Obviously nobody had told this guy that when the police and coroner had turned up at Bill's house, they had found £10,000 worth of cannabis plants.

That really lightened the tone for the remainder of the funeral. Next Youth, of Killing Joke, turned up late looking dapper in a kilt and dinner jacket and gave one of the most moving speeches I have ever heard, praising Bill's humanity and friendliness but certainly not skimping on the fact that he could be an annoying, useless ******* at times. The coffin went off down the conveyor belt to the sound of "Babylon's Burning" by the Ruts (another big laugh), we all went outside and instantly the sunny day turned into a flash thunderstorm, and there were people dancing ecstatically around the graveyard in the rain. If only more funerals were like that.

Originally posted by DanSumption
One of the funniest events I have ever been to was a funeral, for a friend who was in his early 30s. It started off rather depressing as par for the course for a funeral. Then somebody from the Humanist Society, who hadn't known Bill, came on to read a prepared eulogy. While listing his good points, he read "Bill was a keen gardener, with green fingers". The entire congregation fell about the aisles lauughing. Obviously nobody had told this guy that when the police and coroner had turned up at Bill's house, they had found £10,000 worth of cannabis plants.

That really lightened the tone for the remainder of the funeral. Next Youth, of Killing Joke, turned up late looking dapper in a kilt and dinner jacket and gave one of the most moving speeches I have ever heard, praising Bill's humanity and friendliness but certainly not skimping on the fact that he could be an annoying, useless ******* at times. The coffin went off down the conveyor belt to the sound of "Babylon's Burning" by the Ruts (another big laugh), we all went outside and instantly the sunny day turned into a flash thunderstorm, and there were people dancing ecstatically around the graveyard in the rain. If only more funerals were like that.

The funeral I mentioned was done by the humanist society too. We had music from the stone roses and it turned out the best kind of funeral in the situation.

I do not cope with funerals. I have been to a couple and that is it. I do not think I shall bother turning up to my own.

Faith is the key, I guess. I do not believe that when a persons body dies that person is dead. There are ajoining threads on this topic.

When I went to my mothers funeral I cried, but at the same time I felt relieved. She had endured 13 years of being eaten away by cancer, having pieces cut away until there was as much cancer as there was her. It was a release for her, and her thoughts continue in the ether I guess.

When my first daughter died at the age of four it was not until much later that I learnt of her death. Her mother would have nothing to do with me and refused to let me see the girl from shortly after conception - yet it still hurt badly. Only 27 years later have I found the strength to talk about it, but though I never saw her I still think of her.

Perhaps I shall have another daughter who will carry in her the awareness of my first child. I do not believe death is the end and this helps me cope with losing those I care most about.

Cry. Do not try to bottle up your anguish. Share your pain with loved ones. Never forget them, and no matter your faith you know they will live on in your memories and the stories you tell about them.

Dragon

Have to go with the general feel here. Nothing wrong with a good cry, you feel better for letting it all out.

It might pass in something of a blur too and you won't remember a lot of it.

Could some counselling help you to cope afterwards? I'm just thinking about your recovery and you might need a bit of help sometime? Don't be frightened about contacting CRUSE or someone like the Samaritans if you feel the wheels coming off.