I have a friend that I haven't seen for a while who is in a relatively new relationship (4 to 5 month stage), unfortunately this weekend I have discovered it seems to be an abusive relationship.

The woman in the relationship seems to be violent and very controlling she is/has:

- stopped him from spending any time with his family/friends - even his son.

- wants him to take all his phone calls over the speakerphone so she can hear what the other person is saying.

- takes his bank card off him so he cannot (on the odd occassion she allows him to see his son) give his son any money.

- is physically violent towards him (punches to the face etc).

- smashes his phones so no-one can contact him by mobile phone.
As I said before I haven't seen them for a while (guess I know why know, eh??) and don't really know what to do with this information. I desperately want to talk to him but I don't know if I should leave well alone and hope he will come to his senses soon before all his family and friends have washed their hands of him. I don't know either how he himself feels about this 'relationship', whether he sees it for what it is, or is making excuses for her behaviour???

Advice please - will be gratefully received.:confused:

How did you find out about this relationship being abusive - was it from the horses mouth? If not are you sure you are getting the full picture, is your info reliable?

If it is, then unfortunately all you can do is offer advice and hope he takes it. In most cases the more you tell someone the person they are with is wrong for them, the more they stay with them.

It is a new relationship and ideally it would be better for it to end before either person becomes more involved either financially or emotionally.

Sometimes if you describe a bad relationship to someone as though it is your own or someone else you know they will often say 'why are you with them' then you can say 'well why are you with so & so, because that is the way they treat you!'

i had something similar happen to a friend of mine. Although it wasn't quite as extreme, his girlfriend was physically abusive towards him, she kept him locked in the house, smashed up his stuff, stopped him from seeing his friends etc. He was with her in the end for about three years. When i see him now i can tell he is just a shadow of the person he used to be. It was very hard for him to actually open up and tell me about it. He said he felt ashamed and embarrassed, which is understandable. It wasn't until the police were called that he finally managed (with their help) to get out.

If this was a female friend - would we even be having this discussion? Probably not - the overwhelming response would be to get out and away. It would be easy for people here to say there is no difference, that he should get out, move away, report the abuse to the police etc. Unfortuantely it is different for a man for so many reasons.

He does need to get out, there is no question there. He will need the help love and support from all his family and friends.
The only thing i can suggest you do is speak to him. Talk to him about what is happening, make him understand that it is not his fault, this is not the way it has to be. Let him know you are there for him. I don't know about his family but try to get them on board too. Making the break can be done if there is enough love, support and understanding to fall back on.

This woman sounds mentally ill. She probably behaves normally most of the time but if they've reached this stage in 4/5 months what will she be like in another few months? Hopefully he'll get out of the relationship before she wears him down any further and he sees this as normal. If she was emotionally retarded at a young age then she can't deal with adult issues that she feels threatened by in a reasonable manner. She needs professional help and that can take years. If your friend feels she's worth hanging onto then encourage him to see she gets help, without it he'll end up damaged too
Whatever her problem is, an abusive relationship will always get worse.
He's a person, not a punchbag....

I think it's compounded by the fact it's his first relationship in about five years - I don't think he has much confidence with women - so I have a feeling that he may be thinking that any relationship is better than none.

He is genuinely one of life's great guys, gentle, sweet, amazing with kids, generous, funny - If this relationship continues much more I can see him suffering lasting emotional damage and I really don't want to see him get hurt anymore than he so obviously is being at the moment:(

I was in a similarly abusive relationship myself, so I know the temptation to always 'give it one more go, they'll change, it'll be different this time' when I think most of us know in these cases they very rarely do - it took me two nervous breakdowns in the space of about eighteen months to finally make the break after 6 years - I don't want to sit and watch my friend go through the same hell.

The hardest thing is going to be able to make contact with him without this woman being there:rolleyes:

i don't think there's a lot you can do other than offer some friendly advice and be there for him when needed. I have a female friend who is in a similar situation - she has now been with him about eight years! Nothing seems to change - we don't socialise any more because I cannot be around him and she has taken to drinking as that is his favourite pastime. We do however keep in touch and she knows that I am there for her if needed - other than that it is her choice, she knows what I think of the situation, but to continue to harp on about it would cause a rift in our 20 year friendship.

Do exactly the same as you would do for a female friend in an abusive relationship.

Originally posted by evildrneil
Do exactly the same as you would do for a female friend in an abusive relationship.

I know, it seems such an obvious thing doesn't it??? I suppose I feel that because he's a man I need to approach it in a different way than if it was a female friend being abused. I have no idea why - abuse is abuse no matter the gender of either the abuser/abusee.

What I'm most scared of is being told to **** off cos it's none of my business - which I acknowledge it isn't really - but I do value his friendship immensely and I don't want to lose that but neither do I think I can sit back and watch whilst this woman destroys him:(

Your friend being a guy probably feels he can handle it but no one can take that kind of abuse for long. It could be the fact he's too nice that's provoking her. There are over 30 different forms of masochism, could be she is trying to provoke a specific reaction from him to satisfy a deep emotional need in her, and him being a nice guy means she isn't getting that and she will get worse. While she seems the abusive controlling type it may be she's looking to be controlled. It won't help her any if he does lose his temper, it just keeps the problem going. He's worth better than this, keep letting him know it

Originally posted by evildrneil
Do exactly the same as you would do for a female friend in an abusive relationship.


exactly, either say something to ur friend and get him to leave this weirdo or have a word with the girlfriend and tell her to treat him with love and respect or he'll leave her.

cause in my eyes if she doing all this to him she doesnt care about him one bit!!!


he needs to tell her were to go!!

Originally posted by evildrneil
Do exactly the same as you would do for a female friend in an abusive relationship.

Yup.

You're obviously not comfortable about discussing the situation with your friend 'else you wouldn't be posting on the forum. Maybe what you can do is say 'Just so you know, I'm here for you if ever you want me. Any time, day or night, just phone me or turn up and there's a place here for you.'

Even if you don't really have the space to let your friend stay, I'm sure you have a sofa he could stay on in an emergency.

If he reaches a point in his relationship whereby he is ready to move on/ is desperate to get away, if you've offered that unconditional hand of friendship he will know he has somewhere to go. And that makes a huge difference.

Originally posted by Rubysoho
I have a friend that I haven't seen for a while who is in a relatively new relationship (4 to 5 month stage), unfortunately this weekend I have discovered it seems to be an abusive relationship.

...

Advice please - will be gratefully received.:confused:

Tell him what you think and he has to deal with it. Too many guys disappear off the radar when they get a steady girlfriend! Then if and when it goes tits up, they are all of a sudden your best mate again!

If he is prepared to live like that, just because he's getting sex on tap, then leave him to it!

Your friend suffers from low self-esteem. Invite him over to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and explain that he has a lot of people who think well of him and that he makes a difference. He needs to dump the Femme Fatale and move on. If he is worried about going through another dry spell, perhaps you and his other friends could chip in and sign him up for a dating service.
:)