Who would you most like to slap in the face, from the parade of talentless grotesques we are regularly exposed to on television, radio etc? In my case, I would like to don black leather gloves and repeatedly slap the face [Gestapo-style] of Cliff Richard. I would relish administering a thrashing to the unctious visage of the 'Peter Pan of Pop', as revenge for his sickly, oily music ['Mistletoe and Whine' etc], and 'Jump up and down for Jesus' Evangelicalism.

Other candidates might include silly little boys like Ant and Dec, the oafish, foul-mouthed Gordon Ramsay and the Corncrake-voiced, mincing Will Young.

Linda Barker and Sara Cox. i'd like to smack their heads together.

both annoy me more than anything else i can think of.

Sarah Cox's horrible, in-bred, chipmunk-like Lancastrian face causes me great displeasure. However, I would never slap a lady [and Cox is, at least, anatomically 'female']. I might be tempted to pelt the slack-jawed, talentless mare with eggs, though. Does anyone understand a word of what Cox is saying? I know Lancastrians who have quipped that even they require 'sub-titles' whenever she engages in her bizarre speech patterns. They seem to be a hybrid of Bolton coloquialism, combined with the 'click-language' of the Kalahari, and an impression of a distressed Carrion Crow thrown in. How did this charmless moron ever get into broadcasting?

well. i am a Lancashire lassy (from near Bolton too as it happens) and everyone i know hates her with a passion. she speaks some weird martian type language. i just cannot stand her at all.

Quite easily Jade Goody. Her facial features looks like someone has skinned a prozac addled pig's face and then laid the flesh over a semi deflated rugby ball.

"I'm not a minger!" Yes you are and you deserve a slap

Oh, don't get me started on Linda Barker and the rest of the flouncing stick-a-bow-on-it-and-call-yourself-a-designer crew.

That lot aside, the painfully unfunny Chris Moyles could do with a bit of a going over, as could Ann "skin tighter than a bongo drum" Robinson and Davina "talent vacuum" McCall.

Swan Vesta,
Did you know that the 'Crazy Frog's' horrible, fleshy features and deformed genitalia were modelled on those of Jade Goody? The Bermondsey 'minger' is clearly genetic refuse, and does indeed deserve several slaps.

nadia from big brother,

Jimmy Carr, what a complete and utter freak show.

Gatecrasher,
Spot on, old bean! Who does he think he is? We are constantly told that such people are 'top comedians', 'the new face of comedy' etc. The man is about as funny as the Ebola virus.

For me it would be anyone in Hollyoaks.
Or Elton John.

Maybe they could all stand in a line and i could run down it.....
With a chainsaw.

Justin Lee Collins!:gag:

The charges are:

1. Dresses in velvet jackets.
2. Sounds like Jethro the village reatrd.
3. Looks vaguelly like me, so now people are convinced I have an elder brother from Bristol who talks crap and gets on their tits on tv!:mad:

As the originator of this thread, I would like to make it clear that when I refer to a 'slap', I do not mean the short, stinging admonishment administered by a lady [of either sex] in anger. I refer to the kind of jaw-breaking blow that might be struck by an Officer of the infamous Japanese Kempei Tei of World War Two. When I write of 'slapping' Cliff Richard, I have in mind the kind of open-handed blow that might impair the hearing of the victim, set their face ablaze with neuralgia for days and cause them to collapse. Is that clear?

Now, on with this festival of savagery. Let us revenge ourselves upon the grotesques that plague the media, if only in the imaginary sense. Another candidate for a severe slap- Robbie Williams. I have an urge to leave the room to be sick whenever I see his smug, self-satisfied expression and teenage mannerisms paraded on screen. His voice is no better than a thousand other Karioke 'wanna-be's'. Full praise to Liam Gallagher for his bon mot and astute remark that Williams is 'that fat dancer out of Take That'.

I would 'war-dance' on these faces...

1) Saskia
2) Maxwell
3) Kirsty Gallacher
4) Sarah Beany
5) Rebecca Loos
6) Steve Mitchell (Eastenders)
7) James Hewitt
8. Richard and Judy...:hihi:
9) Robson Green

and number 10....Jamie Theakston

That's my top ten for this week anyway!!

:clap:

Shiesh,
Thanks for making me laugh out loud. In Richard and Judy's case, I would add a refinement of cruelty in that, prior to your beer-crazed 'war dance', the ghastly pair are rolled naked in stinging nettles.

Originally posted by timo
Shiesh,
Thanks for making me laugh out loud. In Richard and Judy's case, I would add a refinement of cruelty in that, prior to your beer-crazed 'war dance', the ghastly pair are rolled naked in stinging nettles.

Urghhhh,...less of the 'naked'.....:gag:

With these two I'd war dance with a pair of these (http://www.treadbear.co.uk/spikes.htm) on!!

:P

Oh no, why do you have to start a thread like this, there are just too many "worthies"...

...and I have to agree with quite a number that have already been mentioned...

...but amongst those that haven't I have to include Amanda Holden and Vanessa Feltz...

:gag:

...and a special re-mention for Robbie Williams.

:gag: :gag:


A minor question for you Timo, why no mention of the dread AT from you though?

Mariah carey
j-lo
all the manufactured bands- (too many to list. they think they are top dog and mega famous)
most of the big brother house
jimmy carr
nicole richie


just to name a few.

Richard Madely

Abbi Titmus

Carol Vorderman

And all of The Wiggles (parents of under fives will agree no doubt) :)

Gary Bushell-I would beet him like a ginger step-child:clap:

Jeremy Clarkson. Spouts a load of utter rubbish, and is a bona fide minger. If I had loads of money, I'd pay off his contract to get him off TV. Last man on earth, blah blah blah.

And that loon Frank Skinner. More unfunny that him and you'd be in a coffin.

Liam Gallagher, eurgh. Of course, Patsy Kensit.

The policeman from ballamory.

I'd like to administer a slap to Alan Twatfarce, with the proviso that he is standing on top of The Old Man Of Hoy, and that I am safely in harness at the end of a rope dangling from a helicopter hovering overhead. The sea needs to be good and choppy, mind, so that he is dashed to pieces on the rocks, just in case the fall doesn't kill him. A little over-the-top, you may think, but when you consider this man titled his autobiography 'Trowel and Error', it starts to make sense....

....And just to level things up a bit, I think I'd rather enjoy a slap from Abi Titmuss.

Margaret Thatcher - even if she is an old biddy nowadays :hihi:

So many to choose from, a lot of them already mentioned here. I think I'd have to go for Anne Robinson, though I'm tempted by your suggestion of Cliff Richard, timo. You might like these lyrics, from a very early Chumbawamba song "Slag Aid" (their response to Live Aid):


And Cliff Richard, three, two, one
The God who remains when the religion's gone
Cliff, we've got a special surprise for you today
So come up closer, step this way
Cliff, you're such an example of moral worth
Such a purist saint come to bless our earth
That on behalf of our viewers watching on telly
And on behalf of the millions with empty bellies
We're donating something special that we're all going to like
Cliff Richard, we're going to nail you up to a cross tonight

Originally posted by timo
In Richard and Judy's case, I would add a refinement of cruelty in that, prior to your beer-crazed 'war dance', the ghastly pair are rolled naked in stinging nettles.
That's rather harsh, making someone see the pair of them naked!:hihi:

Another vote for Clarkson.

Originally posted by timo
Swan Vesta,
Did you know that the 'Crazy Frog's' horrible, fleshy features and deformed genitalia were modelled on those of Jade Goody? The Bermondsey 'minger' is clearly genetic refuse, and does indeed deserve several slaps.

Thank you Timo. I was unaware that the annoying thing was spawned from the minging thing. Hopefully Essex's favorite daughters genetic strain will do the decent thing and wither sparing us all from a future of pigfaced "Celebrity" appearances.

I'll take this opportunity to nominate the hither to unmentioned John Prescott (primarily politics I know but at a certain level he spills over into entertainment) .

Most of the people we have forwarded are a bit wet and would probably sit there and just take it. Prescott on the other hand would put up a bit of a struggle - I think he'd be a handful when roused and would be a worthy opponent.

Think of the sport of administering a slap to a cowering Sue Pollard and then think of the glory in planting a blow on Labours mighty pugilist. No contest really.

Thankyou, dear hearts, for your witty vituperation and contributions to the savage merriment of this thread.

I am seated in my sun-bathed office this morning, meditating upon the eternal verities in that sweet mood , as Wordsworth said, 'when pleasant thoughts bring sad thoughts to the mind'. How can I be sad sitting here, surrounded by drafts of my beloved research, as the piping, fluting songs of Greenfinches from the gardens below mingle with the sound of a recording of 'The Pirates of Penzance'? I am saddened, dear beautiful people of the forum, because I reflect that the Savoy operas of Gilbert and Sullivan [the apotheosis of humane, liberal bourgeois culture] are little known even to the intellectual classes today. In contrast, 'reality television', particularly 'Big Brother' serves to fascinate and deprave millions of my fellow English.

Would a mere 'slap' suffice for the menagerie of freaks and grotesques that is 'Big Brother'? One reflects that even a Japanese open-handed blow capable of producing the abject agony of severe neuralgia for days would not be punishment enough for the likes of Jade Goody and the various transgendered, lobotomised, possibly cloned beings that lewdly disport themselves in that house of the blackest infamy. What is called for is condign revenge, and fitting public spectacle.

Some may remember my contribution, made in good faith, towards the debate around crime and the burgeoning Underclass recently. In short, I recommended the return of a variation upon Bull-baiting, substituting 'chavs' for the unfortunate bovine victims of yore. May we extend this to the 'Big Brother' contestants? Perhaps we could use a disused stadium, such as Chesterfield Football Club's ground, and pit the 'Jades' of the world 'gainst savage bull-and-terrier dogs. I recommend the use of the notorious 'Red Nose' [nothing to do with 'Comic Relief', to say the least...] strain of American Pitbull Terrier, known to have bested the Timber Wolf in combat. Imagine the roars of the baying crowd as the dogs are 'entered to quarry'. After the closure of the Stadium, the night would be still rent with the ghostly screams of stricken 'reality tv celebrities' that had expired in floods of entrail and gore.

Ah, how the imaginary scene causes great pleasure! My sadness is replaced by contentment and joy. The research can wait. All that bloodthirstiness has given me an appetite. The morning is yet young, and I shall dine upon my sausage sandwich wilth great gusto today.

Can I play? Come on, line 'em up.

Firstly, Natalie ImbrUGLIER. Don't twinkle yer eyelashes at me lady. Bazaaam. Ouch. It'd be a kind of Laurel and Hardy one hand on each cheek slap, or like those coloured Mitchellin Men in the video to New Order's True Faith, slapping each other with great gusto. Infact, set the metronome going and let's get slapping.

Secondly, Maria Carey. Ah, that cute Little Doll face. Just the one almighty slap would see to her. Oh and one in the gob to put a stop to all her constant bastardising of what were once upon a time, nice songs.

Thirdly, Carol Vorderman. I actually felt sorry for her yesterday as she was in tears because Richard Whiteley had died. I think she was only crying because she wasn't the centre of attention.

Oh and whilst I'm on, Miss Vorderman, no, I don't want a loan.

Finally for now, Blair's EX press secretary Alistair Campbell who's got it in his thick skull that he's

a) a politician; and

b) relevant, when he's

c) neither.

I'd put gloves on in this case.

Ring that bell, someone.

1. Victoria Beckham
2. George Bush
3. Tony Blair
4. Tony Adams - for that unforgivable foul that ruined David Hirst's career.
5. Every single one of the Sheff Utd team.

:hihi: :thumbsup:

Another face that I cannot abide belongs to Alan Davies, 'the thinking woman's crumpet', comedian and actor. He is so patronising to women [almost as bad as the unctious creeping to the female gender engaged in by Ben Elton ], and his hair is so appallingly, fluffily girly . Like some Spaniel puppy, he bounds on stage, desperate to be loved. How many red-blooded heterosexual women would want a neutred, beige-coloured, floppy-haired ponce like Davies?

Women of the forum, gorgeous creatures all, beware of creepy 'New Men' who 'empathise' with 'womens' issues', and boast about 'finding' their 'feminine side'. They are after your knitting patterns, nothing else!

- Jodie Marsh
- Jordan
- Alan Titchmarsh
- Charlie Dimmock
- Cliff Richard
- Tara Palmer-Tompkinson
- Patsy Palmer
- The Cast of Eastenders (Jim and Patrick excluded but Pauline to be given their slaps)
- Linda Barker
- Lawrence Llwellyn-Bowen
- Ex-Big Brother Contestants and other Reality TV Stars
- "The King of Chavs" (that guy who won the lottery - not technically a celebrity but he's been in the papers a lot and deserves a slap!)

and many many more that I simply do not have time to list...

Superb list, Sheff Minx. I notice Titchmarsh features in there, as he has in previous lists of those who thoroughly deserve a vicious, repeated slapping.

Titmarsh and the mannish redhead, Dimmock had the most revolting 'sexual chemistry' on Groundforce. He seemed to be constantly leering at her, as she 'accidentally' bent over to reveal underwear, or contorted herself in the most unseemly and undignified ways. One can imagine Titchmarsh's pathetic fantasies involving goatish couplings with 'Charlie' in greenhouses, on patios, in wheelbarrows, astride miniature conifers etc. He seems to have found an outlet for his lechery in writing soft porn novels these days. What a lascivious, smirking, sweaty, dwarfish little toad he is!

What I would really like to do is take a large wet (dead) fish, possibly a trout or seabass, and give that cretinous berk Chris Moyles a damn good hiding with it.

After belting him a good few times round those flabby chops, I would then shove it so far down his throat that he could never inflict himself on us, via the airwaves, again.

"The savoiur of Radio one"???

What is the world coming to?

He prays on vulnerable people who haven't got their wits about them cause they've just woken up, his arrogance is unmistakable, his sense of humour varies between schoolyard and non-existant, and you can hear the fat vibrating round his body as he speaks.

A foul example of a human being. Give that man a slap!!!!

Originally posted by timo
What a lascivious, smirking, sweaty, dwarfish little toad he is!
I think you'll find that's "gnomish" rather than dwarfish.

Some excellent candidates for a well deserved and vigorous slapping here. My own impromptu list is:

Titchmarsh;
Skinner;
Parkinson;
Dawn French;
The red haired gnome from Simply Red (can’t even remember his name);
Llwellyn-Bowen;
Robbie Williams;
Geldof;
Bono;
The Labour cabinet (all of them);
Anna Kournikova (on her rear end and over my knee)

PS, I know the thread refers to entertainers, but I think the current Labour cabinet qualifies on the grounds that it is full of jokers

Originally posted by JBee
What I would really like to do is take a large wet (dead) fish, possibly a trout or seabass, and give that cretinous berk Chris Moyles a damn good hiding with it.

After belting him a good few times round those flabby chops, I would then shove it so far down his throat that he could never inflict himself on us, via the airwaves, again.

"The savoiur of Radio one"???

What is the world coming to?

He prays on vulnerable people who haven't got their wits about them cause they've just woken up, his arrogance is unmistakable, his sense of humour varies between schoolyard and non-existant, and you can hear the fat vibrating round his body as he speaks.

A foul example of a human being. Give that man a slap!!!!

Moyles quite clearly got bullied as a child. He's fat, oafish and speaks with a strange high-pitched non-accent. In Leeds, they don't stand for that kind of thing. He also hasn't got a clue about football – despite banging on about it all the time on the radio – which would not have helped his cause in his youth.

If I were some kind of psychologist (with apologies to Mr Cruise), I would say his brusque, overbearing and unbearable manner are due to childhood trauma. However, I'm not a psychologist, so I'll just call him a jelly-bellied know-nothing ignoramous.

*exhales*

Chris de Burgh could do with a scutch.

Originally posted by LordChaverly
The red haired gnome from Simply Red (can’t even remember his name);

Hucknall! Oh, yes, Hucknall deserves it.

Ditto Clapton, Williams, Osbourne (K.), Blunt (stop whining and swearing you silly boy), De Burgh, O'Donnell, and all of the Corrs. Especially Jim.

I must confess that I cannot decide which end of Davina McCall to slap the hardest, and which would cause most pleasure. I am in the strange position of detesting the woman's overbearing personality, and complete lack of broadcasting ablity and talent, yet finding her rather physically attractive. It would be nice to see both ends brought simultaneously to the boil, so to speak. Does anyone have some sort of BDSM flagellation/spanking equipment available? I am thinking of the kind of devices allegedly employed by certain Vichy policeforces at the time of Nazi occupation. I wouldn't have the foggiest, as I don't frequent the flagellation 'scene'. Someone on here must do, by the law of averages.

We could persuade Davina to take part in a 'charity' event, where she would be 'mildly chastised'. This would flatter her enormous vanity, and ensure compliance. Then, we could administer such a walloping as to render her both speechless and deliciously sore.

Is this the best thread on Sheffield Forum or what?!

Originally posted by timo
Is this the best thread on Sheffield Forum or what?!

Dear Timo

I think you are suffering from a(nother) mid life crisis.

Please call The Samaritans on 0845 7909 090 for a confidential chat.

Thankyou Abdul, for your kind concern . These obsessive states, revealing a terrifying pathology and sadistic propensity, just come and go. I have tried 'Quiet Life' tablets to no avail. Admit it, though, isn't there a celebrity you would like to wallop?

There's quite a few people I'd like to slap, but none of them are on television. If there's someone so obnoxious on the goggle box that makes me want to put my foot through it, I'll switch it off and drink a nice strong cup of tea sweetened with mint leaves.

As the popular theme tune went:

"Why don't you...just switch off your tv set and go out and do something less boring instead?"

Come to think of it, that smug git and his wife who were involved in the cash for questions scandal don't need so much a slap as a brick in the face.

Neil and Pristine Christine Hamilton :gag:

Llwellyn-Bowen


Good call, Lord C. This man is an imbecile. 'His' wallpaper designs (he's probably never seen them because he doesn't go to Wickes) are atrocious. Not content with selling his name and (god save us) likeness to promote patterned lav paper, he also condescends to 'educate' us re. the finer points of interior design history, whilst flouncing around someone's lounge spraying an old twig gold, hanging it from their light fitting and saying things like, 'a baroque flourish'. I'd like to see him sprayed gold and hung from someone's light fitting - by the neck, until dead.

Has anyone mentioned his brother-in-arse Diamund Gavin (soz about spelling). This man needs serious speech therapy....and a spade in the face.

Oh rats, Adbul, you beat me to the 'alternative to slap' gag. I hadn't seen your most recent post....honest.

Here's my top ten people deserving of a slap and a potential slapping implement

1) Ant (of Ant and Dec fame):- slap each of his eyes with paintballs to recreate the scene from Byker Grove

2) Zionists settlers:- hear them wail whilst their being slapped with the falling rubble from a falling West Wall

3) Robbie Williams:- Slap him with a syringe filled with the Ebola virus.

4) Linda Barker:- Slap her with a hijacked, fuel laden Jumbo Jet

5) Ashley Cole:- slap him with two Super Trams both coming towards him on the same track

6) Dec (of Ant and Dec fame):- Develop time travel, send him back 60 million years and slap him with the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs

7) The lead singer of the Darkness:- Slap him with the radioactive fall out from Chernobyl

8) Ian McCartney:- Slap him after he's sat down for his sixth fry up of the day, that should give the 'heart attack waiting to happen' what's coming to him

9) Tony Bliar:- Slap him with justice for the thousands of lives he's ended in Iraq

10) Graham Norton:- Slap him with a ten foot metal carrot that happens to look like a willy.

Ah, Timo, where do I start... Top of the list would surely have to be Daniel O'Donnell. He's incredibly sinister with his expressionless face and gentle swaying, luring harmless middle-aged ladies onto the jagged rocks of balladry. He's taken to wearing a leather biker jacket now as well, which just enrages me more. Double 'back-and forth' slapping required there then.

Now we've warmed up on D O'D, then lets tackle Coldplay. All of 'em should feel the pain, but particularly that whiney, macrobiotic pip of a frontman. They are deserving of a huge Adrian Edmondson-style windmilling slap (maybe with a frying pan or fire extinguisher), as seen in Bottom.

I'm also going to hold Dylan_61's coat while he has a pop at Graham Norton, as I despise that talentless buffoon too. (Norton, I mean, not Dylan!)

Originally posted by gatecrasher3
Jimmy Carr, what a complete and utter freak show. I were gunna say him... A reet slap face !

Trinny and Suzanna, I mean come on, look at what you wear before you criticise others.

*slapped with a frying pan*

Joel

Terry Wogan and Vanessa Feltz.

Feargal,
O'Donnell just has to be the inspiration behind the asexual 'musical entertainer', beloved of menopausal ladies and Grandmothers, who announces 'I've got no willy' on an episode of Father Ted. The talentless hibernian mummy's boy should be slapped until his face blazes with pain.

Another candidate for our festival of savagery and condign revenge is surely Andy Peters, the curiously hopeless Childrens' TV presenter. In his case, I recommend the use of a cricket bat applied full force.

Here's my slap list:

Jade Goody
Jade Goody's ex (the one who accepts every tv offer going)
Jo Brand (just to see it wobble :blush: )
Dermot O'Leary
Bono
Jordan
The scarey madam with the white hair who comments on how mucky peoples homes are

And though they're not in the world of entertainment, a special mention goes to Paris Hilton And Lady Victoria Hervey for being vacuous wastes of space.

Here's my two penneth:

Victoria Beckham- Never has a woman deserved more of a smack. Bleating on about the injustice the press is doing to her life and then prostituing herself to the cameras because her "career" (what career?) depends on it. And I don't even like David Beckham, I just can't stand her.

Wayne Rooney and that Colleen slapper- Going the same way as the above. Colleen love, get yourself a job and earn yourself some respect. Being famous for shopping and threatening young boys isn't an achievement.

Harry Gration and all those other people involved with Look Leeds- Hello, we're Sheffield and we do exist you know. Fourth largest city in England... just a bit further down the map from Leeds. Can you find us yet? No, thought not.

Jodie Marsh and Jordan (Katie Price)- Put 'em away and get a proper job. Like street sweeping.

Tim Henman and all his fans- Tim, you're crap at tennis, face it. His fans, he's crap at tennis, face it.

Natasha Kaplinski- Presenting every other bloody programme that's on TV. I don't like you, you're smug and patronising. Not what I need when I turn the news on in a morning and especially not before coffee.

Arsene Wenger- Moan moan bloody moan.

A special mention must go to my PE teacher (name not given for legal reasons) who gave me a detention for having the wrong colour socks on once in a lesson. Why does it matter? Silly cow.

Ahhh... I feel so much better now :)

The steam coming from your ears could power a locomotive. :hihi:

Must be bad if you can see it from Hackenthorpe ;)

Originally posted by timo
Another candidate for our festival of savagery and condign revenge is surely Andy Peters, the curiously hopeless Childrens' TV presenter.

Timo, just to add fuel to the fire, Mr Peters' name is spelt 'Andi' with an i. Extra punishment for that I think! And in Father Ted, you are thinking of the fantastic Owen Love - clearly Do'D - who had a jumper baked into a lovely cake by his adoring fans.

Had this thread been run over a week ago, I would have weighed in with various imaginative treatments to be applied to the head and body of a rather well-known Yorkshire 'personality' who has been irritating me beyond belief for something like 35 years.

However, I think it's best that I say no more at this particular time.

Have to agree with you there Damon. I for one would have been 'counting down' to the impact.

I must put forth a special mention for Nicola "the ginger one" from Girls Aloud.

She is begging for it. Even when she is attempting to be sexy in a video her eyes tell me she wants a fight and she has been moaning and sulking all day about being "the ginger one".

But I wouldn't dare slap her while Tweedy was around. She's hard as nails that one.

I've thought of another one. The ITV weathergirl with the twirly fingers. Eeeuurgh!

Have we had a mention for that p**t Darren Day yet?

Surely he deserves some abuse?

Originally posted by JBee
Have we had a mention for that p**t Darren Day yet?

Surely he deserves some abuse?
OMG how did we forget him, he deserves a slap with a Chal' 2...

...as does a certain Ms. Suzanne Shaw for having a kid with the cretin.

:loopy:

Originally posted by JBee
Have we had a mention for that p**t Darren Day yet?

Surely he deserves some abuse?


Darren Day is abuse.

I'd like to administer a "You've been tango'd" style double hander to Pauline Quirke.

I'd lay a trail of Greggs pasties right past my hiding place where I would lay in wait until it came snuffling past in the pursuit of pastry based satisfaction and then ....... "Shazam!" I'd leap out and Tango her excellent style. Both hands would impact at the same time while I ducked cunningly, narrowly avoiding the semi-chewed Greggs discharge which would exit her porcince mouth.

She'd lay there clutching her cheeks wishing she'd never made birds of a feather and cursing the use of Greggs as bait

Many thanks, forum gentlefolk, for your cogent and witty contributions to rigorous debate on this issue of the greatest importance. Your humble narrator would like to suggest a few more deserving faces for a neuralgia-inducing, jaw-dislocating repeated, full-force slapping. The next candidates [for they be not 'victims', my children, but ne'er-do-wells who deserve the mind-concentrating gift of agony as they reflect upon their crimes] are the following:

The 'actress' who played 'Toyah Battersby' in Coronation Street, the popular television programme. I do not know this young woman's 'real' name, but I do know that she cannot act. Her performances were appallingly bad, consisting of over-acting, histrionics and shouting. I have seen her in other dramas, and the familiar facial expressions roll, the same over-acting and hysterics that we are supposed to accept as 'heightened emotion'. She also bears a face which resembles some nightmare cross between a Bulldog and a clown without makeup. Therefore, she must endure the humiliation and pain we reserve for such grotesques.

Secondly, the actor James Nesbitt, who like Robson Green and Sarah Lancashire is seemingly never off our tv screens. I have nothing against the Irish of either denomination. Why should I have? I am charmed by their poteen-crazed folk dancing, sectarian drum parades and the amusing way the Northern variety have of blaming 'the Bratash' for everything. They are such good fun with their Guinness and 'the crack', of course they are. It is with these fond thoughts in mind that I recommend 'special' treatment for this annoying mediocrity who has a talent for appearing on television when least wanted. After a severe and prolongued slapping, Nesbitt should endure the peculiar Irish punishment; the wearing of the blazing pitch cap. That might reduce his appearances somewhat.

Thirdly [in truth, the list is endless], one would relish slapping the visage of Bobby Knutt, the achingly-unfunny Sheffield 'entertainer' and 'comedian'. A face ablaze with savage pain might put paid to Knutt's truly terrible 'mutter mutter', 'jabber jabber' routines. The man is about as funny as typhoid.

I would like to slap the faces of the Cheeky Girls.

Their song was not good and they need to eat more dinners.

I would also like to slap their mothers face for writing the song and then stopping at nothing (including murder) to create an evil potion which she gave to a Vampire to make him impregnate her with twin stick babies that would one day sing the song and make £900.

She's stupid.

Originally posted by timo
The 'actress' who played 'Toyah Battersby' in Coronation Street, the popular television programme. I do not know this young woman's 'real' name, but I do know that she cannot act. Her performances were appallingly bad, consisting of over-acting, histrionics and shouting. I have seen her in other dramas, and the familiar facial expressions roll, the same over-acting and hysterics that we are supposed to accept as 'heightened emotion'. She also bears a face which resembles some nightmare cross between a Bulldog and a clown without makeup.

In addition, her head is the shape of a butternut squash, which is never attractive in a ladygirl. Not that this fact alone is enough to warrant physical abuse, but seeing as actors in general are so precious about their 'craft' she can take the brunt of my ire about the profession as a whole - which, in effect, is just a souped-up version of the schoolyard game 'Let's Pretend'.

Originally posted by SimonS
I must put forth a special mention for Nicola "the ginger one" from Girls Aloud.

She is begging for it. Even when she is attempting to be sexy in a video her eyes tell me she wants a fight and she has been moaning and sulking all day about being "the ginger one".



I always thought she was the best looking one myself

Saifa "The ginger lover" :D

Originally posted by Saifa
I always thought she was the best looking one myself

Saifa "The ginger lover" :D


You should have gone to Specsavers. ;)

I'm not a ginger-phobe btw but she wastes beautiful Sarah's screen time.

Nicola has that look like my sister has sometimes when I know any minute she is going to start a row about me using her hair stuff for the 100th time.

If that's what you're into though Saifa I will respect your wishes and save that slap for Peter Stringfellow.

Don't touch Stringfellow!! :o He's fantastically bad, therefore he's good, and he's always top quality entertainment.

Should we slap Peter Andre, or take pity on him ecause he's just become a new dad?

Originally posted by JBee
Should we slap Peter Andre, or take pity on him ecause he's just become a new dad?
Slap him. Although, he has got that bewildered look about him that suggests somebody has beaten us to it!

Originally posted by feargal
Don't touch Stringfellow!! :o He's fantastically bad, therefore he's good, and he's always top quality entertainment.

Ok I won't slap him either then. Jeeez.

Anyway I haven't got any money to get to London at the minute. So he's safe for now.

Plus he has bouncers at his premises who are probably bigger than me.......

If I can't slap him or Nicola from Girls Aloud then I'll make do with the Cheeky girls and their evil mother.

Why not slap Chris Evans if you need some ginger slap fun? He's horrible, and I would imagine most people would club together for your train fare to London to see him get an open-handed salute.

Cliff Richard - here is a man? who face needs a good slappin, he is always smiling..... why?? is there something he would like to share with us all???:suspect:

I like ginger hair. Honest. I didn't pick on Nicola for that.

I can't slap Chris Evans because he once invited my mate back to his house for a party. So he's in my good books. Plus he's not on telly much anymore so he's not bothering me as much as TOM CRUISE!

(I am naming him because if there is going to be a collection for me to go and slap someone I'd may aswell make it an international journey)
:heyhey:

Feargal's phrase 'ginger slap fun' occasions hilarity! It sounds like the kind of seedy advert one would find in a 'contact' magazine. Not that I am familiar with such depraved filth. Abdul! What was the number of Samaritans again?!

Originally posted by madowl
Cliff Richard - here is a man? who face needs a good slappin, he is always smiling..... why?? is there something he would like to share with us all???:suspect:

Dan, it's because Sir Cliff is a devotee of botox. He has the same startled look as Colin (or is it Justin? whichever is dark-haired), the camp style commentator.

Originally posted by Norton
.
Harry Gration and all those other people involved with Look Leeds- Hello, we're Sheffield and we do exist you know. Fourth largest city in England... just a bit further down the map from Leeds. Can you find us yet? No, thought not


ive never understood why people from this city believe that the regional media are biased towards leeds. look north show lots of articles relating to sheffield. many of these may seem unfavourable towards the city but then again with such terrible crime levels its not surprising. calendar is also unbiased and has calendar south providing all the top stories from the city. anyone who gets fed up of the star could change to the sheffield and south yorkshire edition of the yorkshire post.

Mick Hucknall if anyone ginger needs a good slap it's got to be that fella

I can't believe no one has mentioned Philip Schofield! Surely he deserves a slap? With a plank?

Originally posted by wayne2440
ive never understood why people from this city believe that the regional media are biased towards leeds. look north show lots of articles relating to sheffield. many of these may seem unfavourable towards the city but then again with such terrible crime levels its not surprising. calendar is also unbiased and has calendar south providing all the top stories from the city. anyone who gets fed up of the star could change to the sheffield and south yorkshire edition of the yorkshire post.

I don't know if you recall when Wednesday won the League Cup? The other ITV regions stayed with extended coverage of the celebrations, while Yorkshire TV cut to... 'War Of The Monster Trucks'. Hence there used to be a Wednesday fanzine of that name. I'm no Wednesday fan, but the Leeds bias in Yorkshire TV certainly used to be blatant. I don't know about these days as I haven't lived in Yorkshire for years.

THIS WOMAN ----------------------------------> I can't stand this person (http://www.parishiltonpics.net/img/paris-hilton/paris-hilton-102.jpg)

Interesting though possible regional bias in the media is as a topic of discussion, and Damon's point is a fair one, can we get back to the gut-warming pleasure of slapping the faces of celebrity grotesques please.

Yet another suggestion from your humble narrator; Gordon Ramsay. I cannot watch this vile-tongued, bullying oaf without wanting to, in common parlance, 'deck him'. A slap, even a Kempei Tei-style walloping, would not suffice here. Perhaps a communal kicking with steel- toe capped boots is nearer the mark. Afterwards, this 'celebrity chef' would be dragged round the streets, like the medieval fishmongers caught selling rotten fish, and finally put in the stocks. Then victims of his nasty hectoring might revenge themselves by pelting him with eggs, urinating upon him and daubing his horrible face with mud.

Originally posted by feargal
He has the same startled look as Colin (or is it Justin? whichever is dark-haired), the camp style commentator.

They both deserve to be deep fried in vegetable oil then shredded like two big camp crispy ducks, rolled in expensive wallpaper with a dash of plum sauce and force fed to Linda Barker and Flossie Lewelyn-Bowen.

(You might have guessed I realy don't like TV decorators)

I'm not sure of Timo's rules here... does it have to be individuals, or can I have a set of slappees?

If I can, I should like to strike all those women singers who express their heartfelt emotion by wobbling/jarring their mouths. Examples: Mariah, Britney, Whitney, in fact most RnB singers. Shame on them. Also boybanders who clutch their heart with one hand whilst extending their other arm out to the sky. Keepin' it real.

Timo, the difference with Gordon Ramsey and most of the sub-humans mentioned on this thread is that, whatever his faults, the man has talent. You don't get three Michelin stars for nowt, and as such the majority of his sins can be forgiven.

I also quite like his Kitchen Nightmares programmes - not matter how staged they are! I do wish he wouldn't use so much bad language, though.

Slap that orange Jesse Wallace woman and Lulu.
Thanks

But don't slap Harry Gration - I think he's cuddley.

Feargal,
For you, darling, I will extend the rules to include groups of 'slappees' , as you phrase it. Your comment re wobbly mouthed female chanteuses is a good one, especially re Britney. Although again, in her case I am in the same dilemma I was previously with Davina McCall re which 'end' would provide the most pleasure to slap. I live my hedonistic life in accordance with the philosopher, John Stuart Mill's 'greatest happiness principle' you see...

Mills was wise indeed Timo, but surely even he would realise that Spears and her ilk need a good scutching.

Originally posted by feargal
Why not slap Chris Evans if you need some ginger slap fun? He's horrible, and I would imagine most people would club together for your train fare to London to see him get an open-handed salute.
Of course, an even better idea would be to get Chris Evans to stand on the edge of Chesterfield station platform, while we all pass on the train (one the at doesn't stop at Chesterfield, obviously) arms outstretched from the windows in unison...

...try to think of it something like putting playing cards in your bike spokes when you were a kid...

...not only would it knock seven bells out of the annoying "ginner", but it would make a quite interesting sound also.

:hihi:



(Apologies to SimonS for this one.)

My first slap would go to Bono, this greedy man whose worth millions is suing his ex stylist because she took his hat.
and other bits and bobs.
while preaching to a nation to give money to Africa.
Do you think if he wins the case he will give the money to the Africa appeal.

Joss stone deserves a slap with her forced fake voice.

The talentless Jade Goody who looks like an extra for planet of the apes.

Victoria Beckam

Anne Robinson who had a dig at jackos amount of face jobs when shes had about 5 or 6 herself. or even more.

talentless midgets Ant and Dec.

last but not least Bush and Blair.

Matthew Wright
Tony Blair
Natasha Kaplinsky

All smarmy gits

In the male dept - ROBBIE WILLIAMS

that boyish charm doesn't fool me, he has the most annoying hittable face I have ever seen.

Female - NIGELLA LAWSON

Sexy my arse....I would kick her so hard between her legs that she would have a hairy chin for a week!

Littleboo,
You refer to Robbie Williams' 'boyish charm' as unconvincing. I agree entirely, the man is absolutely charmless, conceited and immature. He is more like a teenage boy than an adult male. No offence to gay posters, but Williams is quite obviously gay, and the laughable attempts to prove otherwise are a sheer waste of time and effort. I predict that, in time, he will 'come out', as it is known in common parlance, and his grandiose, flouncy 'queenery' will make Elton John look like John Wayne.

Re Nigella Lawson, as is well known by many posters, I find the woman very sexy indeed. I can certainly think of more sensuous things to do with her than 'kick' her! Mind you [I assume you are female], I can see how her sultry, lingering, 'knowing' looks to camera, pouting and hair-tossing might irritate women. My wife and I watched one programme where she transformed making a cocktail into an erotic adventure. My wife found Lawson's quite obvious attempt to sexualise the proceedings irritating, but my transfixed reaction highly amusing. The best bit was right at the end, when she raised the glass, looked directly at the camera [with the hint of a smirk], lingered for a moment and said 'cheers'. As my wife observed, I expected her to say, 'bottoms up'! Well, I like her anyway. She is well aware of her effect upon men, and I find that very endearing.

Originally posted by timo

Re Nigella Lawson, as is well known by many posters, I find the woman very sexy indeed. I can certainly think of more sensuous things to do with her than 'kick' her! Mind you [I assume you are female], I can see how her sultry, lingering, 'knowing' looks to camera, pouting and hair-tossing might irritate women. My wife and I watched one programme where she transformed making a cocktail into an erotic adventure. My wife found Lawson's quite obvious attempt to sexualise the proceedings irritating, but my transfixed reaction highly amusing. The best bit was right at the end, when she raised the glass, looked directly at the camera [with the hint of a smirk], lingered for a moment and said 'cheers'. As my wife observed, I expected her to say, 'bottoms up'! Well, I like her anyway. She is well aware of her effect upon men, and I find that very endearing.

No, but she does encourage you to drizzle over her pasta and to toss her salad.

I, too find her quite sexy but in a strange - hot to say? -motherly sense. I reckon I could think of a game or two (which might require a dressing of another kind) that we could play.

In a 'motherly' sense! Good God, man, you need ruddy Bromide!

But why does she bother to bloody cook, why doesn't she just make a program for men and motors or bravo and cut out the crap in the middle, I don't think for one second that anyone is actually watching for the cooking!!!!

Originally posted by timo
I live my hedonistic life in accordance with the philosopher, John Stuart Mill's 'greatest happiness principle' you see...
Surely, "greatest slappiness principle"?

Cheers Dan, that is hilarious.

No one mentioned this t**d. Why? Prick Nassem Hamed. I leave it up to decide why.

From one Tim to another,
Yes, I agree re the suggestion of Naseem Hamed. He has proved himself to be a vulgar, immature and grandiose little cur. I was going to add 'nasty' too, but then again, any professional boxer incapable of great 'nastiness' has quite obviously chosen the wrong career. Hamed's confidence [or rather, former confidence] is quite different from that of Muhammed Ali in his prime. Whereas Ali was genuinely charming, witty and often generous in praise towards fallen opponents [save for his needless goading of Joe Frazier], Hamed has so often behaved charmlessly, lacking the dignity and style of the older man with whom he has so often been compared. Yes, I'll hold your coat while you slap him...

I fear you may well get slapped back. With interest!

That's why I shall be doing the coat-holding, and ready to make a quick dash for it....

Originally posted by Greenback
I fear you may well get slapped back. With interest!
Why do I get the feeling that some people aren't "buying into" the concept/spirit of this thread?

:rolleyes:

Originally posted by foo_fighter
Why do I get the feeling that some people aren't "buying into" the concept/spirit of this thread?

:rolleyes:

Are you after a slap too?

;)

Originally posted by Greenback
Are you after a slap too?

;)
I know that I often deserve one, but, for the purposes of this thread I'll have to decline...

...I'm not "in entertainment".

:D

Anyone who slaps Foo Fighter slaps Timo! We stick together, and boy can we scrap!

Robson and Jerome and Geri Haliwell (do not get me started).

Sugarnspice,
I recently saw the blond-haired actor who plays 'Jerome' [is that his 'real' name?] at Central Station, in Liverpool. He looked extremely agitated and ill at ease. If I had known of your strong feelings of enmity towards him, I would have slapped him senseless for you.

Re Halliwell, one cannot imagine any sane, well-adjusted person not wanting to make her horrid, self-important visage blaze with pain. I still cannot believe that she was made a UN A mbassador! I thought I was dreaming that day...

Originally posted by foo_fighter
...I'm not "in entertainment".

:D

At last, a moment of self-realisation...

:)

Can I slap Peter Leavy from the Calendar lunch time news desk please?

Laughing too much now.

Can I add Lorraine Kelly and Tommy Boyd?

Cheers.

arsene 'rubber'face' wenger and thierry henry

Lorraine Kelly is another fine choice from Sugarnspice. The slack-jawed Caledonian presenter with the lobotomy grin tends to arouse my ire too. The problem is, if Sugarnspice and I stood at either side of the woman's cretinous face, and took turns to slap it in relays of twenty [full force], the daft bint would still continue to giggle inanely. She is beyond mindless.

Elton John - just to watch those jowls wobble!!!:heyhey:

after lorraine kelly it would have to be fiona phillips what a pain she is:gag:

Originally posted by timo
Sugarnspice,
I recently saw the blond-haired actor who plays 'Jerome' [is that his 'real' name?] at Central Station, in Liverpool. He looked extremely agitated and ill at ease. If I had known of your strong feelings of enmity towards him, I would have slapped him senseless for you.

Re Halliwell, one cannot imagine any sane, well-adjusted person not wanting to make her horrid, self-important visage blaze with pain. I still cannot believe that she was made a UN A mbassador! I thought I was dreaming that day...

Jerome is indeed his real name.. He and Robson Green were in Soldier Soldier together a few years ago and then did a series of song duets based on a duet they did in an episode of SS.

I think that Britney Spears, Charlotte Church, Christina Aguilera are missing from the list! Plus Michael Winner, Tom Cruise and Michael Jackson!

just heard claire sweeney singing add her to slap list :hihi:

I've got to agree with Norton about Natasha Kaplinsky. Never have I seen someone so smug and up their own bottom that they dont know where they actually start and finish!!

She deserves the mother of all slaps - not with any old Monty Python fish - No! she deserves the largest living mammal there is, a blue whale. Swing it around with some juggernaut machine specially made for the purpose and tw@ her to eternity with it!!

Natasha Ka-splat-insky!! . . . then set it all up again for Victoria Beckham! :clap:

Id go for victoria beckham, but does she fall into the entertainment field, i dont think so:hihi: :hihi:

You're right Brooksy - the womans about as entertaining as a star fish with rigor mortis.

Musically correctly identifies the dreadful Claire ['Clur'] Sweeney as possessing a most slappable visage. Her corncrake-like wailing, combined with those peculiarly 'Scouse', and deeply irritating, enlarged fossa canina [resulting from the inbreeding prevalent in remote enclaves like Fazackerley, Kirkby and Bootle] serve to make the Merseyside 'entertainer' yet another candidate. There are better looking girls, with better singing voices doing Karioke in Liverpool pubs ['A big round of applause for Donna-Marie, all the way from Walton'] than Sweeney.

Congratulations to everyone on this excellent thread.

We have already begun to touch on this field, but I strongly feel that anyone who has ever presented a property or interior design TV programme is in line for being rolled down a hill tied up inside a bag of anvils.

Could not agree more strongly with the suggestions of Winner, Evans, Cliff et al.

Do my eyes deceive me or has no-one yet mentioned that bug-eyed, self-congratulating bovine-in-a-suit Chris Tarrant?

And finally, Jamie Oliver, with his lolloping tongue, trendy mates, scooter and narcisistic TV programmes, was once surely a premier-league slapee. He seems to have redeemed himself a little with the school dinners thing, so I would settle for arranging for a group of children to throw stones at him across a lake.

Is Richard Branson allowed?

To add to my list, I think we should include George Lucas. Now, although I have never seen any Star Wars films (yes, it's true), so cannot comment on artistic merit, I saw a picture of him recently and he seems to have one of those strange beards cut very sharply along where his jawline should be, but actually isn't. I don't like him for this reason and this alone.

My dear Bully Beef, as originator of this sublime thread, may I assure you that Branson is most certainly allowed. I too share your dislike of the twitchy, bearded Tomfool. His wealth does not become him, as he is a bona fide vulgarian of the first water. He should be slapped until he weeps like an orphaned child.

Re Jamie Oliver, I too have slightly mixed feelings about the cove. On the one hand, he is undeniably oafish, affected and patronising with his barrowboy-pretensions and contrived 'bish, bash bosh' plasterer's approach to cooking. On the other, his school dinners project was admirable, and he looks like a young Bill Bruford [my favourite percussionist]. Your 'stoning' idea is tempting. However, on reflection, I think there should be refinements of cruelty/punishment here to include a slap from each child, but a snow-balling rather than a stoning. Of course, the more enterprising and fiendishly inventive children will secrete stones within the snowballs, as I myself did when persecuting pensioners, the lame and infirm in the wintry Sheffield of my youth.

Originally posted by timo
corncrake

Timo, what have you got against the lovely Corncrake - that prince of hedge and sedgy meadow? The Landrail, to give it it's common name, is indeed a thing of beauty and a joy for the ornithologist; sleek and brown, streaked darker above, wings flecked with chestnut, dark bars on his slender flanks. And hers (the sexes are alike).

I have never heard a Corncrake in full cry, but I cannot believe this rare, shy and beautiful bird sounds like Clare Sweeney. Please tell me it isn't true!

Oh, and Timo (fixes tin hat on head and descends into bunker), duty compels me to furnish you with the correct spelling of 'karaoke'.

PS Can we have Graham Norton fed through a combine harvester?

Snooty,
I shall consult you in future re matters of grammatical construction, syntax, spelling and concision. Forgive me for the incorrect spelling of ' karaoke'. I put it down to my unfamiliarity with the unseemly, rough merriment of the lower class hostelries.

The Corncrake, though I have only encountered it via the medium of television 'nature' programmes, has a most unpleasant, booming, dischordant call. Worse still, the 'prince of hedge' tends to repeat himself for hours upon end. I fear this would torture even Bill Oddie to madness.

Yes, by all means feed Norton through any kind of agricultural machinery you wish. There is one condition though. You must feed the remains to pigs afterwards.

Originally posted by timo
concision

Is this what they call it when someone tricks you into having your foreskin sliced off?

I tell you who I’d love to slap – Christa Ackroyd or anyone else that works for a regional news programme. What utter arse! I hardly ever watch TV as I usually end up hurling it at a passing car but on the one rare occasion I tuned in I was greeted by the calendar ‘Richard whitely mourning special.’ Now I’ve kept quiet about this ( respect for the dead and all that) However I was confronted with Ackroyd dress in black with a face like a bedraggled cock holding back the tears for the no-talent, tea-time quiz presenter as if we’d just lost Jesus!
I mean talk about over doing it. And I can’t remember her making such an effort when the pope died; when half the western world went into mourning. (Although, to be fair, I wore a clown’s outfit for that occasion)
I also imagine her to be really humourless and stupid.
I hate the way she gives the answer to the question in the question and the way she patronises the token commoner she has on.
CA: so tell me about the brave way you saved your little sister from the chip pan fire.
Commoner: err – I was brave and rescued my sister from a chip pan fire.
CA: The moving story of a very brave little boy there.

Christa looks into camera looking like a ball-less scrotum and the audience notices the fires of a living hell burning deep within the blacks of her
eyes (http://www.tvfetish.net/IA_Yorkshire.htm) :mad:

Mini,
I think that the phrase,'with a face like a bedraggled cock' is surely your bon mot! LOL.

Yes! Can I switch my vote from Sir Cliff to bedraggled-cock Christa. A face more worthy of slapping I have yet to come across on my TV.

BTW has anyone mentioned Carole Smilie yet? How many slaps would it take to wipe the smilie off her face?

Cilla from Coronation Street. A really hard wallop would be required.

I feel moved to nominate a veritable brood of slappee's, namely the self congratulating presenters of CH4's hangover TV. Bunch of fake smiling, irritating, ill spoken panderers to one hit wonders and cretins from Hollyarse.

I curse the moron who created your lot in life - Any less talent and you'd be flipping burgers. I hate your show/slot fillers and therefore now avoid it like the rotting, bloated, fly-blown carcass it is.

June Sarpong, The correct phrase is "I love it" NOT "I'm loving it" your continued use of irritating street language is enough to warrant a blinding zinger right across your perpetually inanely grinning face.

Vernon Kay, You are the televisual version of syphilis: Completely irritating, you won't go away and you're socially debilitating. One right hander coming up!

The Welsh one, just don't like you. It's nothing personal but you make me itch. Ker-Slap!!

Just please go away all of you. This is me pleading here. I want good weekend telly not a bunch of no account trendies bolstering the over inflated egos of plebian boy bands and mono browed actors. AARRRRRGH :rant:

YES! I would gladly take an ox-hide strap to the fawning T4 trogledytes myself.

I would also like to lock up, in the same zoo enclosure full of faeces-hurling chimpanzees which I have already earmarked for Jimmy Carr, the repugnant Angus Deayton, who, though not quite as smugly rodent-eyed as Carr, shares the same flat, deadpan delivery, peppered with “sardonic” raised eyebrows, which a league of Rowan Atkinson imitators have failed to pull off effectively. Every last tired gag can be seen approaching for miles and falls embarrassingly flat, leaving one with the feeling of having just pushed a dead seal in a wheelbarrow up a hill and over a cliff.

One would relish the spectacle of Jane Horrocks, the self-important, 'multi-talented' Lancastrian actress/singer being slapped severely with the heavy, leather gauntlets of the Das Reich Division of the SS. Afterwards, the old Comanche 'party piece' of repeatedly running a naked victim through a huge cactus should suffice. Either that, or watching as the clown-faced, in-bred **** is force-fed 'Lancisheer' oven bottom muffins until her stomach wall pleasingly bursts. Mind you, I don't like violence.

Timo, it's like reading the script for a remake of Theatre Of Blood, I can see you standing-in for Vincent Price.

Oh dear God, this is sublime:

Originally posted by miniminch
CA: so tell me about the brave way you saved your little sister from the chip pan fire.
Commoner: err – I was brave and rescued my sister from a chip pan fire.
CA: The moving story of a very brave little boy there.

This is the best thread in the history of the internet.

Originally posted by timo
One would relish the spectacle of Jane Horrocks, the self-important, 'multi-talented' Lancastrian actress/singer being slapped severely with the heavy, leather gauntlets of the Das Reich Division of the SS. Afterwards, the old Comanche 'party piece' of repeatedly running a naked victim through a huge cactus should suffice. Either that, or watching as the clown-faced, in-bred **** is force-fed 'Lancisheer' oven bottom muffins until her stomach wall pleasingly bursts. Mind you, I don't like violence.
Or, failing all that, I'd be quite happy to cover her in chocolate spread and lick it off, seeing as David Thewliss didn't seem so keen.

I don't like violence either, but it doesn't half make me laugh sometimes.

Dan,
I don't know about you, but I am always extremely violent in a kind of postmodern, ironic way.

And I am always violent in a sort of relativistic way. After all, violence is no difference from non-violence really, is it? It's all cultural.

Yes, it is healthy to retain a scepticism towards the knowledge - claims of the meta-narratives of violence etc. Zzzzzz.

Back to the gut-warming pleasure of causing [imaginary] maximum pain and distress to our fellow creatures. Yet another 'celebrity' ripe for the slapping, and sinister refinements of cruelty, must surely be the rotund, football-like Dawn French. This achingly-unfunny ball of offal should be slapped until hysterical, and then subjected to a peculiarly 'English', condign punishment. It is called simply 'run around the table', and dates back to Cromwellian East Anglia, where it was employed with great success against those suspected of dabbling in the diabolical arts. The victim is simply forced to run around a small table for hours upon end by relay teams. There is no break whatsoever, and the result is usually a massive heart attack, insanity, death or all three. Should French survive the 'ordeal by table', then she should simply be injected with chemicals that make her imagine herself to be a teapot or a fried egg, as used to be done in the old, Soviet psychiatric hospitals.

Timo, you really have missed your calling. If only you were born in the times of the Spanish Inquisition, nobody could have expected the tortures you were about to unleash upon them.

Dan,
My friend, if only I had a pound [to coin a cliche...] for every time I have been told that! I was drummed out of the infamous, dreaded 61st [Wincobank] Division of the Cub Scouts for atrocities committed against captured Firth Park Boys' Brigade personnel. The things we could do with a hot 'woggle'...

Haha! I was in the pacifist Woodcraft Folk as a kid, but I have to admit there was a camp when I was about 10 where we held running battles with a rival Woodcraft group over who was to have control over "Frog Island". I rescued two of our number who they had kidnapped, by threating them with a penknife. If I'd had you beside me I'm sure you would have come up with some more imaginative threats.

In one of my favourite books, Climbers by M John Harrison (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0753819554/sumptionorg-21), there is a passage about feral children running wild in the Peak District. Apparently, whenever Scout and Guide groups go there for a day's hiking, there's always some fat kid who can't keep up with the rest, gets left behind and forgotten about. They form tribes up there, living on the local wildlife and stolen picnics. A year later, when their groups return, they are confronted by these kids, scrawny and muscular, a shadow of their former selves, reverted to savagery.

Beats Lord of the Flies :)

Originally posted by DanSumption
They form tribes up there, living on the local wildlife and stolen picnics. A year later, when their groups return, they are confronted by these kids, scrawny and muscular, a shadow of their former selves, reverted to savagery.

Beats Lord of the Flies :) The sub-plot of the Yogi bear story in reverse. Although i think he pronounced them Pic-ker-nik baskets!

Claire Raynor and her fat , slobbery , smug little face surely comes in the top ten of faces which deserve to be slapped endlessly with a smelly kipper.
Worse than the face , perhaps , is that hoarse , breathless , monotone voice that constantly advises various , "lovies " , to do this or that or whatever , well-meaning Aunty Claire says.
In fact whilst being smacked with a kipper , she could simultaneously be bonked over her fat head with a large packet of Strepsils.

Are you aware, Fareast, that 'bonked' is a coloquialism for having engaged in sexual congress? The mental image of the Walrus-like, self-appointed oracle of all wisdom being 'bonked over her fat head with a large packet of Strepsils' is an affront to modesty, and quite out of place on a family-oriented thread like this one. Mind you, I did giggle at the thought. I am a tinker, aren't I?!

Uri Geller, media liason officer for Michael Jackson and psychic fraud extraordinaire, deserves to be strapped tightly to a medieval rack for a reality TV special which involves the massed viewers of ITV applying their combined brainpower (probably minimal, I know, but a start) to attempt to ratchet up the rollers until the pop-eyed spoon bender pops his joints. If the ITV audiences psychic powers fail to match up to those of Uri, we will have somebody waiting on standby to do the job the old-fashioned way.

Mercifully I haven't heard from him for a while, but at one time grinning cock-er-nee faux-jovial music-hall toad Jim Davidson was top of my slapping list.

Until recently, Saturday evening TV was ruled by a kaleidoscopic galaxy of these slap-deserving charisma-vacuums; to wit Beadle, Barrymore, Edmunds, Cilla Black etc. all of whom deserved a sturdy wooden oar in the jowls.

Yes , Timo , you're right in all respects !
Showing my age , I suppose , when I used , "bonk" to mean , "bashed ".
But , yes the thought of bonking in the modern sense , taking place above her head , in conjunction with the kipper-slapping , does produce a funny picture.
However , she probably would not be awareof either activity , such is her insane desire to advise us all what to do for the best , in every possible circumstance.

just read every post on this site and couldn't stop laughing.Brilliant.My candidate for a good slapping is either Matt King orScott Windsor from Emmerdale.Scott just for being a creep and Matt cos he has a rotten smug face, like a slapped arse.

Can't resist this . Just remembered the most slappable face of all time.

Step forward the one and only Clive James !!
With his little piggy eyes , his horrible smug , little smile , not to mention his mouth spewing out that foul Australian accent , surely no-one in the world deserves constant slapping across the face with a sock filled with any kind of manure , than Clive James.
He beats Rolf Harris by miles in the ,"Most obnoxious Australian " contest and ought to be left in the Australian Outback without food , water or a mirror. That would really finish him off !

Originally posted by Fareast
He beats Rolf Harris by miles in the ,"Most obnoxious Australian " contest and ought to be left in the Australian Outback without food , water or a mirror. That would really finish him off !
Yes, but we should probably tip a few tankfuls of rats, scorpions, snakes and insects over him "Endurance"-style first.

Funny to think how unbelievable those Japanese programmes seemed at the time, now every self-disrespecting reality TV or quiz show has people sticking their head in a cage of rats from time to time.

Yes , Dan , I just wish Clive James had stuck his head into a cage of scorpions or something.
He was always sneering and sniggering at Japanese game shows but they probably had a programme in Japan where they watched recordings of Clive James--------far more gruesome than any game show !

Two words: Hale. Pace.

Timo, do something, pleeeease?

Oh god yes - Hale & Pace! Why didn't I think of that?

Can I please add Lorraine Kelly?

:thumbsup:

Dan and Sugarnspice,
I hear you [as our American friends are wont to say], and have plans for Hale and Pace. They shall be slapped until senseless, and made to reflect upon their crimes in a Viet-Cong style 'Re-education Camp' that specialises in decade long solitary confinement. Or maybe they shall be invited to swim with hungry Leopard Seals. I haven't decided yet. I just can't make my mind up sometimes. It is all 'one potato, two potato' and 'dip,dip dip little ship' with me. However, rest assured that revenge will be condign.

Sugarnspice- scroll back a bit, we have 'done' Lorraine Kelly already! Mind you, we can slap the moronic, giggling bint again should you wish.

Originally posted by miniminch

Christa looks into camera looking like a ball-less scrotum...

What a way with words you have MrMiniminch!

But surely not our Christa? (http://www.bbc.co.uk/england/looknorthyorkslincs/images/new_presenters/christa_ackroyd_165.jpg)

Originally posted by Deavon
But surely not our Christa? (http://www.bbc.co.uk/england/looknorthyorkslincs/images/new_presenters/christa_ackroyd_165.jpg)
haha, yes, you're right! In that picture she looks more like a stubby knob-end!

Originally posted by DanSumption
haha, yes, you're right! In that picture she looks more like a stubby knob-end!

More like a Jurassic Park Raptor with a teeth implant.

Well just to direct attention away from our Christa for a moment; I know it's been voted before... but just have a look at this picture (http://gfx.dagbladet.no/nyheter/2002/11/02/poshsak.jpg) and try not to slap your screen!

Originally posted by DanSumption
haha, yes, you're right! In that picture she looks more like a stubby knob-end!

There you go, DanSumption - your new User Registration - 15 characters long - Stubby Knob-end :o :D

StarSparkle

PS This relates to Dan's thread "What Should I Change my 'Registered User' to"

Originally posted by Deavon
Well just to direct attention away from our Christa for a moment; I know it's been voted before... but just have a look at this picture (http://gfx.dagbladet.no/nyheter/2002/11/02/poshsak.jpg) and try not to slap your screen!

PMSL!!! nice one Deavon :P . . . what about This One (http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2005/03/16/beckham_narrowweb__200x359.jpg)

As originator of this thread, I need to know who Christa is. I am an ex-pat Sheffielder living in darkest Lancashire, so we receive Granada rather than Yorkshire tv. Am I correct in assuming that Christa presents the Yorkshire tv magazine programme or maybe BBC Regional stuff? She certainly appears to be most unpopular judging by several postings, and the accompanying photographic evidence is alarming.

We too, in Lancashire, have our dreadful regional presenters. Lucy Meacock [named after her father, obviously] is a wretched example, with an insufferable smirk permanently playing about her lips. I have no photographic evidence to share, which is just as well. Slap, slap, slap away fellow posters!

Christa (ball-less scrotum) Ackroyd (http://www.bbc.co.uk/england/looknorthyorkslincs/christa.shtml)

Lucy, me cock! (http://www.manchester2002-uk.com/celebs/broadcasters16.html#Lucy)


Lucy was educated at the Ursuline Convent in Chester and then at the Morongo Girls College in Geelong, Australia. Later she attended Upper Chine School in Shanklin in the Isle of Wight.

Is it just me, or does she seem to have a penchant for places with silly names? I mean, "M'Bongo Girls College", I ask you!

I also note they don't know whether she was born. Presumably she may have been grown in a seething vat, like the orcs in Lord of the Rings.

My eyes can't be working very well today. Skimming across the bumph about Lucy, at the bottom I thought I read "Lucy enjoys football, golf and classical music, and a Good Spanking".

As for Christa, does she actually have any skin, flesh and bone, or is she entirely made of fake-tan-coloured foundation?

What I like best about "the Christa" is when she's doing a serious news story, and has to hand over the Harry Gration 2000. She sort of looks sideways at him, then pouts really obviously. She's also got a column in a national paper, so you know she's a proper journo.

Dan,
It is strongly rumoured that Lucy Meacock was born 'Rabbiti Pattapong' in a treehouse in Jelong. Like Sir Cliff Richard, she was born of indeterminate sex but later assigned to specific gender.

Christa, by the way, bears the look of the sharp-featured, high cheek- boned, Bronze Age 'Beaker Folk'. If only that great ethnographer and physical anthropologist, John Beddoe were alive today. In Christa the great man could see for himself the genetic survival of a 'primitive' stock amidst a population largely of Northumbrian Angle origins. I will wager that Christa's blood group is O Negative. Trust me, Timo knows about such things...

Originally posted by timo
Christa, by the way, bears the look of the sharp-featured, high cheek- boned, Bronze Age 'Beaker Folk'. If only that great ethnographer and physical anthropologist, John Beddoe were alive today. In Christa the great man could see for himself the genetic survival of a 'primitive' stock amidst a population largely of Northumbrian Angle origins. I will wager that Christa's blood group is O Negative. Trust me, Timo knows about such things...
I've heard of an Acute Angle, a Right Angle and an Obtuse Angle, but never a Northumbrian Angle. Is that some sort of negative angle or something?

My sister wrote her dissertation on the Beaker Folk. I think.

My turn: -

- Michael Barrymore

- Geri Halliwell

- Victoria Beckham (well overdue)

- Abi Titmuss

- My neighbour

- Jade Goody


Can't think of anyone else i hate at the present time, but i may get back to you later.

Reading everybody's suggestions as regards t.v announcers reminds me of two more who deserve everlasting , good , sound slaps across their chops with either a dirty dishcloth or a pair of John Prescott's Y fronts.
Unfortunately , I don't know their names so I can't report them to the Human Rights people.
One , used to be [perhaps still is ?] a news announcer with CNN. I swear that for minutes on end he never blinked. He simply stared into the camera. His eyes were like two barrels of a gun pointing at you. Very unnerving !
The other one performs now , on Chinese T.V , English Channel 9 and does the weather forecast. I say , "performs" as there's no other word for it.
He leaps about in front of the camera like that bloke who does the ," Swingometer" at U.K. election times. He's always got a big , silly grin on his big , silly face. He still grins when he's talking about dangerous flooding , "threatened all over South West China " , as though it was a huge joke. When he's , "doing" the rest of Asia , he manages to dismiss all of India and the Middle East in about 2 seconds flat and Eastern Russia in 1 second ------all in an incomprehensible gabble.
I try to imagine the Chinese saying to one another ,
" Must take my umbrella , it's raining in India again ".
Where do they get such tripe-hounds as these ? Must be the T.V. Station Owner's nephews , I should think.

dale winton ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:partyhat: :partyhat: :partyhat: :partyhat: :partyhat: :

Johnathan Ross.
I'd love to bitch slap that pompus arse for sure.

Failing that I'd settle for Terry Wogan :D

Yet another one; Tori Amos, the American singer and musical entertainer. I rather like dear old John Lydon's nickname for her; 'Torrid Aimless'. She is a kind of 'lite' version of Kate Bush, writing semi-autobiographical songs based around keyboards. However, her work lacks the inventiveness, scope and depth of Bush's best material.


I heard her on Jonathan Ross's Saturday show on Radio Two, whilst in the car. Amos's wildly out of key, rather shrill voice extolling 'the power of orange knickers' almost caused a serious road accident. Amos's swooping, shriekingly earnest voice conveying such ludicrous lyrics reduced us to hysterics. That aside, what in God's name is empowering about 'orange knickers'?! Black, lace ones I can understand. They must make the wearer feel rather sensual and 'sexy'. Or so I am told, having no experience whatsoever of ever having donned them in public or in private. Honestly. But orange knickers? Uuugh!

So, let me recommend Tori Amos for a severe, neuralgia-inducing slapping. Afterwards, we might jam the orange knickers over her pretentious, self-important American head, pelting her with out of date eggs.

Graham Norton, Sharon from Eastenders, Dick & Dom (which one is which is somehow irrelevant), Des O Connor. That'll do for now.

Originally posted by timo
'the power of orange knickers'

I also laughed uproariously, and in disbelief, when I heard this remarkable song. It induced the same mixed feelings - of incredulity, nausea and sorrow that such things exist- which well up within me whenever I encounter the priggish, condescending, over-egged twaddle peddled by you and your 'straight man' Lord Chav on this very forum.

Snooty,
You are a strange man. Underneath the contrived 'genial' image there lies a burning anger. It expresses itself occasionally in 'flamings' like the one you have just posted. Why bother? You always end up feeling sorry for yourself, and sending a contrite personal message like last time. You described yourself last time as 'a fat fool'. You obviously are not lacking in self-knowledge, so let us build upon it. Why not admit, like you did in your personal message, that you feel 'threatened' by the kind of debate Lord Chaverly and I engage in? You 'felt left out' last time. What has irked you this time?

I will tell you what it is. You fancy yourself as a 'wit', and do not like anyone else making humorous comments. This thread is a humorous thread, and by the look of it, one that many enjoy. The target is celebrities, not other posters. If it were, I can think of a tremendously long list of posters who would like to slap your fat jowls. Go away.

The pair of you are like those two on the muppet show that sat in the box shouting "rubbish, get off, you stink !"

Victoria Beckham.

Face like a bag of spanners.

Rebecca Loos, can't remember her name now but some Liverpudlian bint who used to be on Brookside and does some spanish villa ad or something ..... really want to slap that one with the heel of my stiletto.

*Clare Sweeney? I think?

Originally posted by sugarnspice
*Clare Sweeney? I think?

i saw her performing live for her oh so good pop career


:gag: i cudunt help being there....honestly i was there to see someone else lol

Don't believe you MTheo. You went to see Sweeney didn't you?

http://www.urban75.com/Punch/index.html

Originally posted by timo
Snooty,
You are a strange man. Underneath the contrived 'genial' image there lies a burning anger. It expresses itself occasionally in 'flamings' like the one you have just posted. Why bother? You always end up feeling sorry for yourself, and sending a contrite personal message like last time. You described yourself last time as 'a fat fool'. You obviously are not lacking in self-knowledge, so let us build upon it. Why not admit, like you did in your personal message, that you feel 'threatened' by the kind of debate Lord Chaverly and I engage in? You 'felt left out' last time. What has irked you this time?

I will tell you what it is. You fancy yourself as a 'wit', and do not like anyone else making humorous comments. This thread is a humorous thread, and by the look of it, one that many enjoy. The target is celebrities, not other posters. If it were, I can think of a tremendously long list of posters who would like to slap your fat jowls. Go away.

Not a bad stab, Timothy. I wonder, however, what others reading this may make of you quoting from a private message. You have a dictionary, I'm sure. Why not look up the word 'private'. You talk of a 'contrived genial image', and suggest that by having a pop at you and Chav I am revealing 'the real me'. Perhaps you may consider what abusing another forum member's privacy reveals about 'the real you'?

Then again, you're probably up to your eyes reading some 'treatise' or other about the circumference of black people's heads and how it 'proves' they should all go ‘home’ and leave us to our morris dancing/witch burning, etc.

Originally posted by sugarnspice
*Clare Sweeney? I think?

Mmm, Claire Sweeney.. I would. :love:

But meh, there's loads of soap "Darlings" I wouldn't kick out.. Current and past.

Originally posted by nick2
The pair of you are like those two on the muppet show that sat in the box shouting "rubbish, get off, you stink !"

It's not me, it's him. He started it. He's rubbish! He stinks! He, er, gets off (on being a bigot)!

And, for the record, at no point did I use the word 'threatening' in relation to Timothy or Chav in my private message to the former twit. They are harmless; I feel no threat. And if you must know, I referred to myself as a 'fat old fool', then added, 'but seriously etc etc...' Clearly, Timothy cannot distinguish good-natured self-deprecation from self-pity, as he cannot, it seems, distinguish between public and private. Odd this, from a man obsessed by (largely irrelevant) 'differences'.

Snooty,
As I say on the Edward Heath thread, nobody cares about our spats. The moderators will close down the thread if we continue, and quite rightly so. Goodbye, then.

Yeah, alright, cheerio. It was fun though, eh?

Missing you already.

Aw, it's nice to see you two being matey again! To celebrate, lets slap John Stapleton. I accidentally watched breakfast telly this morning, and there he was, being all anoying and John Stapleton-y.

lol. Yes he could do with a bit of a slapped face, totally forgotten about him.

Can I add anyone that presents CBeebies? That would make my day to line them up for slaps.

How about that annoying really up himself, threaten air stewardesses (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/200016.stm) Mancunian...

...Ian Brown, he could do with a slap just to bring him back down to reality...

...mind you he's probably had a few already.







PS I realise this won't go down well with everyone on this thread. ;)

Feargal,
Stapleton and his nosy wife should both receive a hell of a slapping. You are right, being 'Stapleton-y' is a crime in itself.

Yet another suggestion- Margi Clark, the hard-faced, 'scouse' actress. Clark regularly 'shimmies down Boldy' [translation:- can often be seen on bohemian Bold Street in Liverpool, so avoid at all cost], and serves as something of an embarrassment to the local populace. She is plainly a rotten actress, and can only play the foul-mouthed, slatternly, improvident 'scouse' female of stereotype. This I add, is an unfair stereotype. Liverpudlians rightly resent how she often conducts herself in public too, as she seems to delight in aggressive vulgarity. She personifies the 'worse' stereotypical Liverpool traits. So, we should add her to the long list of slappees. In her case, perhaps three rounds with a female Thai Boxer would be suffice. There would be no 'shimmying down Boldy' or anywhere else for that matter, after that.

Originally posted by timo
She is plainly a rotten actress, and can only play the foul-mouthed, slatternly, improvident 'scouse' female of stereotype.

<snip>

she seems to delight in aggressive vulgarity.

Have to agree with this.

Isn't her mother a local councillor or something? Where did she go wrong :loopy:


Originally posted by timo
Clark regularly 'shimmies down Boldy' [translation:- can often be seen on bohemian Bold Street in Liverpool, so avoid at all cost]

:lol: Love the translation. Do you have anymore up your sleeve?

Abdul,
Hello, old bean. Glad you agree re Margi Clark. She is not even from Kirkby, yet affects the peculiar Kirkby variant of the Liverpool accent. There is a rising inflection at the end of every sentence, and anything ending 'k' sounds like the speaker is about to projectile vomit, i.e, 'work' would be 'werkkkkk'. I think her Grandmother was a councillor, but I cannot recall the name. If I am not mistaken she was the woman dubbed 'ugly' by Winston Churchill. You may have heard the tale;'Winston! You're drunk!', and famous retort,'Madam, I may be drunk, but tomorrow I shall be sober. You, on the other hand, are ugly etc'.

The 'shimmying down Boldy' quote is from a Radio Four programme the unbearable actress did, in which she made a thorough pest of herself amongst the poor stallholders and shopkeepers of Bold Street. I am told that people tend to avoid that rather bohemian quarter these days, for fear of encountering Clark. This is similar to the seventies, when people avoided trains for fear of meeting Jimmy Saville.

Originally posted by timo
Missing you already.

Oh, I thought we'd finished! You really know how to stick to your grandfather's, 'least said, soonest mended' maxim, don't you? I'll be dropping in later then......

My wife was walking to school with my little boy the other morning - in Liverpool, I should add - when she became aware of a front door opening just ahead of her. A leathery old satchel of a woman emerged from within, clearly in some mild state of distress. It was refuse-collection day, and she had forgotten to put out her wheelie bin.

Anxious to discover whether the bin men had already been, she yelled across the street to one of my son's classmates - who is all of 5 years old - and in the shriekiest voice imaginable, requested, "CHEKKK DAT BIN DERE WILL YER LAD?" (Translation: Excuse me young man, would you mind inspecting that wheeled bin to ascertain whether or not it is empty).

As soon as she opened her mouth, my wife realised she was staring at Margi Clarke herself. So if anyone would like me to administer a 'Kirkby Kiss' on their behalf, I do know where she lives.

Damon,
I was just thinking of you re the Liverpool reference! Margi must live in a fairly affluent area, as in local parlance, she is 'minted' [translation:- financially well-off]. This amusing vignette cannot possibly have taken place in Toxteth. I'd hazard a guess and say, Maghull, Lydiate, Blundellsands, or maybe south L'pool, like Childwall perhaps? Is your son traumatised by the experience? I can imagine he had nightmares about 'the nasty lady' for days afterwards, the poor lad. Margi's horrible, in-bred features could turn milk sour.

Timo,

May we please slap Jude Law with a stupendous amount of force in light of his sordid affair with the nanny of his children. Additionally, why would you ever cheat on Sienna Miller? I think he should book an MRI scan with haste; following the slap of course.

MOD: Please restrict the insults to the celebs rather than aim them at each other :)

Jon,
We can slap anybody you wish, my friend! One severe, tooth-crumbling, hearing-impairing, neuralgia-inducing, humiliating, walloping big slap to the face of that loathsome creature. Like the MRI quip!

Timo,
It was close to Dovedale Infants school (John Lennon's alma mater dontcha know!) just off Penny Lane. So yes, south Liverpool - Allerton or Mossley Hill I suppose.

I hesitate to give you any more precise information, as I fear you may genuinely be planning a personal visit!

Damon,
No, I have no desire for intimacy with 'our Margi'. I might have known she would be living in 'Lennonland'- leafy suburbs near Hope college. Not such a bad place to live, Damon my boy. It is far too middle class and genteel for Margi, though. I would have thought she would have preferred somewhere a little grittier, like the Dingle, where the 'Rentman' occasions terror, barefoot children stone the 'bizzies' [translation:- the police force], and life expectancy is 28. I once saw Margi in the charming, olde worlde Saint John's Shopping Centre [named after the Patron Saint of Incapacity Benefit]. She let forth a blizzard of obscenities at a male companion, probably called 'Mooey' or 'Leggo' or some such 'scouse' nomme de plume. Even the roughest of the rough there looked appalled.

Originally posted by Damon
Timo,
It was close to Dovedale Infants school (John Lennon's alma mater dontcha know!) just off Penny Lane. So yes, south Liverpool - Allerton or Mossley Hill I suppose.

I am surprised. I would've thought she'd have done a 'Cilla' and scarpered off to the relative security (ho ho) of a mansion in Berkshire or somewhere else like many other 'Professional Scousers'.

No wonder that house prices in Liverpool are relatively good value for money!

Originally posted by timo
I once saw Margi in the charming, olde worlde Saint John's Shopping Centre [named after the Patron Saint of Incapacity Benefit].

And what were you doing in there, timo ?! Just taking a shortcut from Lime Street station to Bold Street yourself ?!

James **** Blunt, what has happened in the world? What did we do so wrong, how has this bland seemingly talentless shoe gazer managed to reach number one in both the singles and albums charts? Who buys it...... WHO i ask ya!

Originally posted by sezzler
James **** Blunt, what has happened in the world? What did we do so wrong, how has this bland seemingly talentless shoe gazer managed to reach number one in both the singles and albums charts? Who buys it...... WHO i ask ya!
Me I do... the album rocks!

Abdul,
I thought you knew I lived near Liverpool [Sheffield ex-pat]? I occasionally venture into the Saint John's Centre for a bit of ethnographic anthropological research. I bet Damon and I have passed each other many a time. You can spot me easily-I'm the middle class-looking bloke getting mugged.

Originally posted by sezzler
James **** Blunt, what has happened in the world? What did we do so wrong, how has this bland seemingly talentless shoe gazer managed to reach number one in both the singles and albums charts? Who buys it...... WHO i ask ya!

Oh thank God there are sane people in the world. James Blunt symbolises everything that's wrong with popular culture, but console yourself that at least his name rhymes with a very appropriate vulgarism.

Here's some more for you:

-Vernan Kaye
-The main bloke out of Bo Selecta (the joke's not funny anymore, and A Bear's Tail is scraping the barrel)
-Any celebrity that appears on Bo Selecta or A Bear's Tail to show the world that they don't take themselves too seriously and are game for a laugh, and certainly not cynically aligning themselves with a cringingly unfunny "comedian" they misguidedly believe to be on the cutting edge of comedy in a desperate bid to aleviate themselves from the bottom feeding, sub-Z list category they are doomed to populate before disappearing into oblivion.
-Vernon Kaye

Tubthump - you are so right about the Bo Selecta man, and his bear programme. I don't have a TV by choice, but caught most of the christmas 'A Bear's Tail' at a friend's house and was stunned by how bad it was. It depressed me to think I could have bought an entire wall full of vintage Gibson semi-acoustic guitars for a small fraction of the budget wasted on this appalling, infantile drivel. It was, to my mind, unbelievably coarse as well. I had never really bought into the popular notion that TV had 'dumbed down' over the last decade or so. Terry Jones' primary school account of 'The Middle Ages' alerted me to the fact it might be true. 'A Bear's Tale' confirmed my worst fears - and then some.

Bo Selecta man should be shot, not slapped. Vernon, on the other hand, should be melted down for scrap.

'Bo Selecta man' is called Leigh Francis, and is a native of Leeds. I agree that the 'Bear's Tale' is puerile and sixth form. However, his impressions of Craig David [played as a kestrel-handling, incontinent oaf], Michael Jackson [as a kind of 'jive ass' Huggy Bear type] and Christina Aguilera [as a scouse whore] are genuinely original and funny. As originator of the thread, I would agree to slapping the titian-haired cove for his sins re 'the Bear', but let's not give him severe neuralgia. We will reserve that torture for the likes of Cliff Richard, Lorraine Kelly etc.

Originally posted by timo
'Bo Selecta man' is called Leigh Francis, and is a native of Leeds. I agree that the 'Bear's Tale' is puerile and sixth form. However, his impressions of Craig David [played as a kestrel-handling, incontinent oaf], Michael Jackson [as a kind of 'jive ass' Huggy Bear type] and Christina Aguilera [as a scouse whore] are genuinely original and funny. As originator of the thread, I would agree to slapping the titian-haired cove for his sins re 'the Bear', but let's not give him severe neuralgia. We will reserve that torture for the likes of Cliff Richard, Lorraine Kelly etc.

Chamone!

That was my man, Dan Sumption, 'checking' his 'bad self' there...

Originally posted by timo
'Bo Selecta man' is called Leigh Francis, and is a native of Leeds. I agree that the 'Bear's Tale' is puerile and sixth form. However, his impressions of Craig David [played as a kestrel-handling, incontinent oaf], Michael Jackson [as a kind of 'jive ass' Huggy Bear type] and Christina Aguilera [as a scouse whore] are genuinely original and funny. As originator of the thread, I would agree to slapping the titian-haired cove for his sins re 'the Bear', but let's not give him severe neuralgia. We will reserve that torture for the likes of Cliff Richard, Lorraine Kelly etc.

In your original post you quoted Gordon Ramsay as deserved of worthy off slapping, and he's got 3 Michelin Stars. Surely he has reason to be a smug git from time to time. All Leigh Francis has done, IMO, has made people like my boss think their God's gift to humour just for saying "Chamone M**herf**ker" at every available opportunity. It's akin to quoting Peter Kaye's "Garlic Bread" (with Boltonian accent) and expecting instant laughs. For God's sake can someone tell me what is funny about saying "Garlic Bread"?

Originally posted by Tubthump
In your original post you quoted Gordon Ramsay as deserved of worthy off slapping, and he's got 3 Michelin Stars. Surely he has reason to be a smug git from time to time. All Leigh Francis has done, IMO, has made people like my boss think their God's gift to humour just for saying "Chamone M**herf**ker" at every available opportunity. It's akin to quoting Peter Kaye's "Garlic Bread" (with Boltonian accent) and expecting instant laughs. For God's sake can someone tell me what is funny about saying "Garlic Bread"?

<----- PMSL .... he said "Garlic Bread"!!! :D

Actually, that's not all Leigh Francis has done. This from last week's Popbitch:


Poor Craig David... he's devastated by his portrayal
on Bo Selecta and thinks it might have ruined
his career.

Go Leigh!

Ok, fair point. But do you not also think that Craig David's career might have hit the skids due to him being a self-obsessed, talent-free, worthless irrelevance? Mind you, Vernon Kaye seems to be doing alright for himself.

Tubthump,
Never mind the three Michelin Stars, Ramsay is a hectoring, bullying oaf who deserves to have his sub-navel region kicked to pulp.

I agree re Peter Kaye's irritating 'Garlic bread' catchphrase. I am a fan of his Phoenix Nights programmes, especially the bestiality-obsessed Fire Safety Officer, Keith Lard. However, as a 'stand-up', I think Kaye's 'Weren't we all daft back in the early 80s' routine is rather limited and unfunny. We can slap him for that, if you wish?

Originally posted by timo
Abdul,
I thought you knew I lived near Liverpool [Sheffield ex-pat]? I occasionally venture into the Saint John's Centre for a bit of ethnographic anthropological research.

Yes, but I can't imagine Margi Clarke ever 'shimmying down Boldy' to experience its cultural delights... however I could imagine her waddling up Bold Street (from St Johns) to shop at its selection of £1 stores (and I believe there's still a 50p shop for the real peasants).

Paris Hilton!

END OF.

Originally posted by noseyrosie
Paris Hilton!

END OF.
Anyone else see Popbitch's report of Ricky Gervais's backstage encounter with Paris Hilton at Live8?


>> When Ricky met Paris <<
Miss Hilton gets a mouthful

Backstage at Live8 Ricky Gervais was at the
side of the stage. Paris Hilton walked up to
him and said how much she liked his stuff.

Ricky: "Have we met before?"
Paris "Yes. I'm Paris Hilton"
Ricky "Oh, sorry Paris, I didn't recognise you
without a c*ck in your mouth."

Exit Paris in a huff.

Abdul,
Actually, old bean, I have had the great misfortune to witness Margi Clarke 'shimmying', waddling, running [in that odd, bandy-legged way of hers], and staggering both up and down the bohemian Liverpool street she fondly calls 'Boldy'. As previously stated, I have witnesed her unleash a blizzard of obscenity [aimed at a male companion- some pimply swain, no doubt Bootle's 'most eligible batchelor'] in the Saint John's Centre, named after the Patron Saint of Incapacity Benefit. I have also seen her in charming, sex-maniac-haunted Sefton Park, feeding ducks. There appeared to be a certain reluctance on the part of the ducks to eat the bread offered by the chisel-faced, gimlet-eyed 'actress' and 'celebrity'. Ah ey, she's a luvly gerl, our Margi- nobody likes 'er, but she's a luvly gerl.

Originally posted by timo
I have also seen her in charming, sex-maniac-haunted Sefton Park, feeding ducks.
My sister got married in charming, sex-maniac haunted Sefton park:
http://www.wavepeople.com/wedd1.jpg

Actually, this photo is probably more appropriate for the area:
http://www.wavepeople.com/wedd2.jpg

Geoff Boycott:thumbsup:

Couldn't you just slap him with a breeze block when he's giving his 'I'm the greatest cricketer who ever existed' speeches.

Dan,
Thanks for the amusing photos there. LOL! Especially the second one featuring 'the bizzies' [translation; the police force]. There is an even worse park in Toxteth. I have only ever seen it from the safety of a car , and I imagine that it is the scene of rakehelly mayhem when night falls. Only a fool would walk through such a place alone, without a band of stout companions and perhaps a Bull Terrier or two for protection against cutpurses, hooded footpads and gangs of roaming, demented, angry and unwanted young poets and playwrights. Theirs is another world, of which a velvet-suited soul such as I can be expected to know little. They are merely blurred images seen from the window of a luxurious automobile. Long may it be so.

Saxon51,
Boycott is an oaf and an aggressive one at that. After meeting him, the Psychiatrist Anthony Clare famously revised his opinion to the ends that 'no man is an island'. He is singularly charmless, and I suggest that we lay into his unpleasant, boorish, egotistical face with his own cricket bat. Afterwards, as a final gesture, we could break it over his deformed skull.

Timo,

I think I know the Toxteth park that you mean. My sister used to live just down the road from there. There's a very long side-street that runs along the side of it, A friend and I were walking down there late one night, we could hear music in the distance. As we walked down the street, the music got louder and louder, and we could feel the ground shaking. "Wow! Some party" we said to one another. Eventually, about half-a-mile later, we reached the scene of the "party". It was actually a red BMW with a rather powerful stereo system.

Sir, I have to take issue with both of these points:

Originally posted by timo
...charming, sex-maniac-haunted Sefton Park...

I've been to Sefton Park many times and saw nothing remotely sex-maniac related (but then, I did always visit in daytime or perhaps I'm just not as good-looking as I thought :heyhey: ). It's a lovely park, much prettier and friendlier than my 'local' park when I spent a decade in Liverpool, Newsham.

I was climbing a tree in Newsham Park (as you do, when you're in your mid-twenties) and some inbred 'young, angry, unwanted' scouse girl walked to the bottom of my tree, and in that horrid nasal tone enhanced by a young lifetimes' worth of parental abuse screeched:

"Worrer you lukhin aht?"

"Er, nothing" was my surprised reply.

Well, she probably had a very difficult childhood, what with her mum and dad being brother and sister.

Originally posted by timo
There is an even worse park in Toxteth. I have only ever seen it from the safety of a car , and I imagine that it is the scene of rakehelly mayhem when night falls. Only a fool would walk through such a place alone, without a band of stout companions and perhaps a Bull Terrier or two for protection against cutpurses, hooded footpads and gangs of roaming, demented, angry and unwanted young poets and playwrights.

Is this the park at the end of Princes Road? That too is a lovely park. In the daytime at least. It's quite safe to walk through as well. Believe it or not, scallies and hoodies tend to stay away from parks, libraries, museums and other places that cultured and learned fellows such as you and I would frequent.

And I do like that Salvador Dali at the Liverpool Tate, no matter what you think :nono:

Abdul,
We will beg to differ re the Princes Rd and Sefton Parks. Today, they are hardly places where one would picnic, escort a young lady, or fly a kite. One cannot even perch upon a bench to consume one's cheese sandwich without some ne'er-do-well or unshaven, lycra-clad Merry Andrew sidling up to relate his ridiculous 'life story' of drug abuse, parental abandonment and 'hassle' from 'the bizzies' in Sefton. As for the Princes Rd park, it is allegedly the daytime site of battles between rival gangs of Balkan asylum seekers, the home of aggressive tramps and condom and needle-strewn. When night falls, who would be so foolish as to hang around to find out?

Are you a fan of Salvador Dali? I didn't think it was possible to be one. I am a Turner man, myself. Don't you find Dali's floppy clocks and people 'auto-sodomising' themselves a tad tedious? Give me a pastoral landscape, or Turner's experiments with light and colour every time. Mind you, Dali could be jolly amusing. When interviewed by Russell Harty [of all people...] he once declared himself the 'greatest painter of the 20th Century'. When asked to qualify his frank self-appraisal, he replied, 'Eez not because Dali eez so good. Eez because ze others are so bad!' That may be Dali's bon mot. At any rate, we can't slap him because he is deceased.

I feel compelled to share this with my fellow celebrity slap administrators, last night I dreamt that I cuffed Jade Goody.

It's certain that this thread, and my earlier comments on it, sparked this random dream, to which Timo, you have my undying thanks, as I woke up this morning in a very jolly mood.

Anyway, to business, the majority of the dream was fairly humdrum but for some reason the piggy one was in Morrisons and I took the chance to abandon my trolley and run at her full pelt landing an absolute zinger on Essex's favorite daughter right next to the cheese counter.

Writing this and remembering my nocturnal ponderings has left me feeling all warm inside.

Swan Vesta,
I am glad that my ever-expanding thread has caused such pleasure!

Re Goody, the Bermondsey grotesque and 'reality tv celebrity' has the pathetic ugliness of a circus clown. To reiterate a point I made earlier in the thread; it is rumoured that her rubbery, fleshy features were the inspiration for those of the accursed 'Crazy Frog' which has recently blighted our lives. There are other parallels too. When Goody disrobed on television, her genitalia, like that of the 'Crazy Frog', appeared to be deformed. What a shame it is that we are not living in the crueller Victorian age. Goody would be exhibited in travelling freakshows as some sort of 'Frogwoman'. Reflecting upon the schoolboyish fun and games we had with frogs, someone should stick a giant straw up Goody's bottom and blow her up until she bursts.

Originally posted by timo
Reflecting upon the schoolboyish fun and games we had with frogs, someone should stick a giant straw up Goody's bottom and blow her up until she bursts.
Rather you than me, timo.

The blowback on that could be horrendous.

Originally posted by DanSumption
The blowback on that could be horrendous.

I like that deliciously placed 'could'. Implying that blowing up Jade Goody via the anus until she bursts might possibly not be horrendous.

Originally posted by timo
Reflecting upon the schoolboyish fun and games we had with frogs, someone should stick a giant straw up Goody's bottom and blow her up until she bursts.

Some kind of industial air compressor would be required, though a foot pump does open the door to a doubly delicious spectacle of her blowing herself up.

It would take a long time I bet, but as Gene Wilder said in Willy Wonka and the chololate factory, "The suspence is unbearable.....I hope it lasts"

Ok, here goes!
Shane Ritchie........deserves to have his leg amputated and be hit repeatedly with the flappy end till unconcious.....wait till he comes round, then beat him again. Sometimes a slap just ain't enough!
Jamie Cullum, dwarf like piano playing monkey boy, seen at the opening of an envelope or any other event. The fun that Spitting Image would have with him!!! Big Slap!
"Top Chef" (T*ss chef more like) Richard Corrigan and his other "foodie" chums from the dreadful BBC "Full on Food"......Full on Slap more like!!! http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/tv_and_radio/fullonfood_about.shtml
Mark LaMarr, once funny when being the whipping boy but now just annoys me to the point of wanting a current yokozuna Sumo wrestler to administer a large a forceful backhander.
Dean Gaffney (Robbie from Eastenders)....slap him sooooo hard it may even make him more ugly than he already is. Pond Life incarnate.
Vinnie Jones, trick him (wont be hard) to slap himself very very very hard. Then run into the path of oncoming traffic on any one of our fine automotive routes.
George W. Bush, his mum, his dad and all his immeadiate family...no explanation needed.
Whew!!!!! Glad got that over and done with, more to follow later.:clap:

Originally posted by Lightninboy
Mark LaMarr, once funny when being the whipping boy but now just annoys me to the point of wanting a current yokozuna Sumo wrestler to administer a large a forceful backhander.
Nah, let's not slap Mark, he used to have the best ever radio show on GLR. Plus I used to get all his emails (honest!) - he used to write a column on a magazine I once worked for (G-Spot) but, having long since left to seek greater fame, all his emails ended up in my lap as I was "sysadmin". I used to read them all, and subsequently get into some interesting conversations with Lamarr fans and detractors.

Originally posted by Lightninboy
Dean Gaffney (Robbie from Eastenders)....slap him sooooo hard it may even make him more ugly than he already is. Pond Life incarnate.
He used to drink down my local (The Anglers in Teddington). I believe his skin condition has cleared up a little since then, but surely any kind of Gaffney slapping punishment has to end up with him drowning in a puddle of his own face-pus?

Sorry , I don't have time to check all the postings at the moment but has anyone mentioned that Queen of Deservable Slaps in the Kisser , the one and only ......please step forward.................
Esther Ratshead !!
With her smug knowing little quips , her childish delight at producing carrots that looked like willies for our edification and her professional compassion that looked as sincere as False Face in Batman , she , of all people deserves to be thoroughly stung across the face repeatedly with a foul substance , wrapped in a tramp's unwashed underpants.
I'm sure sh's at least equal to the slimy Clive James for , "Smug S**t of the 20th. Century Award.
Incidentally , Timo , is there any way of organising a competition of some sort for the The Most Deserving Slapee ?
Perhaps we could have a male and female section ?

I quite like the idea of subjecting the working end of Goody to a working end of a foot pump and seeing the porky face of the grotesque contort with agony as a tethered J-Lo is goaded with sharpened sticks until her temper tantrum foot stamping has stuck the pedal of the pump enough times to inflate Goody into some kind of horrible dirigible. One could use her inflated genitallia as some kind of makeship mooring to anchor her during inclemment weather.

We could sail the skies on our Goody dirigible issuing a multitude of slappings to the unworthy cretins who adorn our televisions. Imagine coming out of the sun, riding proud on our grotesque inflatable to issue a slapping to Ruth Maddox.

Nice.

Originally posted by Lightninboy

Jamie Cullum, dwarf like piano playing monkey boy, seen at the opening of an envelope or any other event. The fun that Spitting Image would have with him!!! Big Slap!


Heh heh! Cullum deserves to have the lid of his stupid piano repeatedly shut on his hands. Anyone who would release an album of limp pseudo-jazz-warbling, call it "Twentysomething", and be depicted on the cover wearing a suit and trainers should surely be forced to eat broken bottles till they repent.

Esther Ratshead !!

God yes. Why has this faux-sincere hang-dog sabre-toothed idiot not been brought to justice? I think I would slap myself in disgust if I were anything like this walking platitude.

Many thanks to Swan Vesta, Bully Beef, Dan, dear old Nick 2, Abdul, Lightninboy etc for some excellent postings and fine, devilishly sadistic suggestions. I feel like the 'Daddy' character in a particularly warped episode of The League of Gentlemen, encouraging other posters to 'come to terms with' and unleash their darker sides. You impress me greatly, my children...

One reflects that Jade Goody is very probably the most deserving slapee in the whole grotesque menagerie of 'entertainment'. She epitomises the 'cult of celebrity' in our Lord Protector Blair's Cromwellian 'new', 'young' Britain, in which the most vulgar, educationally-subnormal, charmless genetic refuse can achieve fame and fortune simply by lewdly disporting themselves on television. Goody, of indeterminate sex and 'race', epitomises the slack-jawed, incurious 'new Briton' , living purely for pleasure yet lacking the will to please others. Big Brother [which I watched for anthropological reasons] is surely recreation for the base and more degraded members of society? Diversions of this sort, if we may give them such an appellation are not only a reproach to human nature, but a disgrace to civilisation and Christian country.

One of the very worse things about Goody is her tendency to never stop moving, like some dreadful, fat, writhing Lugworm. Her greatest crime, however, is her unseemly lubricity and sexualised behaviour. She is a hyperkinetic ball of sexual tension and offal. Stripping naked, she tearfully asked if she was a 'minger'. I do not know the answer to that, but I do know that condign revenge is required here. May I propose that Goody be slapped until all sensibility [the little that there is] leaves her, and then subjected to the medieval ordeal of Ducking Stool. One suggests the site be some foul, cess-pit along the lines of Blackburn Meadows, filled with putrid filth and stinking dung. How wonderful it would be to see the self-proclaimed 'Bermondsey Bird' emerge gasping and stenching, only to be ducked again and again. Oh! I feel a rush of pure joy!

Jade Goody is Truly deserving of a righteous backhander, preferably with a medeival gauntlet clutched in the hand as well. (one of the iron types!) What is truly scary though is the fact that someone keeps mating with the minger and she pops out a sprog that one can only hope inherits the brains from the father! Another scary thing is that IMO the people that make her famous are us......one only has to look at the Big Brother thread elsewhere on here to see that we are indeed the creators of these "15-minute monsters".

Oh and Sean Connery for all the abysmal accents he's attempted and still manages to sound Scottish during everyone. " I am Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos and I bring you greetings Highlander" or..... "I am Marko Ramius, commander of the Red October and"...........SLAP!!!!!

Originally posted by Lightninboy
What is truly scary though is the fact that someone keeps mating with the minger and she pops out a sprog that one can only hope inherits the brains from the father!
What, brains enough to mate with the likes of Jade Goody? I hope not! Hmm, "Jade Goody", anagram = "Dad Ego Joy".

Originally posted by Lightninboy
Another scary thing is that IMO the people that make her famous are us......one only has to look at the Big Brother thread elsewhere on here to see that we are indeed the creators of these "15-minute monsters".
Yeah, I blame timo and his "anthropological reasons". It's not exactly as if Jade Goody's anthropomorphic.

Originally posted by DanSumption
What, brains enough to mate with the likes of Jade Goody? I hope not! Hmm, "Jade Goody", anagram = "Dad Ego Joy".


Yeah, I blame timo and his "anthropological reasons". It's not exactly as if Jade Goody's anthropomorphic.

Well, if you're going to blame Timo, I'd better put my hand up and admit that I too have watched "Big Brother" for 'anthropological reasons'. Unfortunately, that excuse doesn't seem to be holding much water anymore - in fact, I think it sank without trace some time ago.....

StarSparkle

Re my 'anthropological reasons' excuse, okay, I was fibbing. I watched in morbid, horrified fascination to be honest. I had been virtually begged to watch Big Brother by friends who knew how much I would love to hate Goody and her fellow social lepers, hobbledehoys, trollops and gurning fools. The contestants, and particularly Goody, absolutely disgusted me. I recall one occasion when a tribe of Goody's nightmarish relatives were chanting 'Bermondsey Bird' over and over again in support of their moronic, waddling Jade. I cannot even begin to express the contempt this horrible spectacle induced.

Is Jade actually made up of spare body parts? Her face looks like a cast of the 'Crazy Frog', her genitalia [revealed when she disrobed] is definately deformed, her arms have a plastic-y look and are different lengths, her hair looks like wool, her eyes may be glass, and her bottom is probably made of rubber. Has Palitoy claimed responsibility for her yet?

Hmm, timo also seems to have an unhealthy obsession with Jade's genitalia. Again, I detect a fascination somewhat akin to that engendered by a car crash.

Especially for timo
http://www.myvillage.co.uk/pages/celebs-jadegoody.htm

Looks like everyone has already given her a good slapping!!!!

I was consumed by an almost Pavlovian reaction to strike the screen when I just clicked on Lightninboy's link.

Does anyone know who the blonde woman (slightly ala Gillian Mckeith but with a bit more meat on her) who reads the news on Look North is? She's worthy of a slap - I can't abide her near monotone, droning voice and her twitchy. birdlike head movements.

I can imagine her in a post coital scenario leaning over to whisper words of intimacy to her partner and them seeing the light and finally being repulsed as she spasmodically jerks her head while saying "Mmmmm, that was lovely" in her nasty, droning robotic voice.

I'd have to leap out of the wardrobe, issue a slap, shimmy down the drain pipe and then untie the genitallia moorings to escape on my Goody dirigible.

My top 20 in no particular order..

1. The Mother from Bread.
2. Neil Warnock
3. Neil Morrisey
4. Brian Dowling
5. Ally McCoist
6. Elton John
7. Pete Docherty from Babyshambles/Libertines
8. Nina Myscow
9. Vanessa Feltz
10. Danny Moon from Eastenders
11. Will Smith
12. Chris Moyles
13. Richard Madeley
14. Dale Winton
15. Jack Osbourne
16. Kelly Osbourne
17. Timmy Mallet
18.Wayne Sleep
19.Michael Jackson
20. The twin brothers on the car insurance advert (urrggghhh) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!