My mate works for the council and has been going round schools to raise awareness of the dark world that is Anti Social Behaviour.

These are genuine quotes of some of the things the kids (aged 4-11) said.....


Nick: What is Graffiti?
Pupil: A form of exercise-my Mum does it….


Nick: Does anyone know what the word “Community” means?
Pupil: Is it a lifeguard?

Dawn: Who knows what “Graffiti” means?
Pupil: It’s when you lose your teeth…

Dawn: How does it make you feel when nasty things are happening around you?
Pupil: Guilty…

Teacher: Pupils bow your head for prayer time.
Pupil: (halfway through assembly) I’m not praying-it’s rate crap…

3 pupils doing a wordsearch looking for the word Holgate.
Pupil 1: I can’t find Holly Gate
Pupil 2: It’s not Holly Gate-it’s Holy Gate
Pupil 3: I brush my teeth with that every morning…

Judith: (talking about clearing up dog mess) Who’s got a dog?
Pupil: I’ve got a goldfish and it eats its own poo…

Judith: Who can give me an example of Anti-social behaviour?
Pupil: When I was born my Auntie’s outhouse roof fell in…

Nick: Who can give me an example of Anti-social behaviour?
Pupil: My sister fell down the stairs with a bottle of wine and had to have 38 stitches…

Dawn: Who can give me an example of Anti-social behaviour?
Pupil: My Dad does drinking competitions and when we were in Spain he got arrested and…
Teacher: That’s enough…

Pupil 1: Listen Nick, this is right dirty. He (points at pupil 2 sat next to him) used to go out with another boy
Pupil 2: No I didn’t!
Nick: Sometimes that happens
Pupil 1: Yeah but he used to wear lipstick as well…

Dawn: Where do we put litter if we can’t find a bin?
Pupil: In the privet…

Pupil: (Directed to Nick) I like “mans”…

Judith: Who can give me an example of Anti-social behaviour?Pupil: It’s when a cat comes in to your house and does a poo on the stairs…

Dawn: How does it make you feel when you see gangs on street corners?
Pupil: It makes me want to grow up faster so I can join them…

Nick: What else can make the community better?
Pupil: Don’t have too many babies because they make a rate racket…

Pupil: (Directed to Dawn) Do you go to Ann Summers parties…

Nick: Who can give me an example of Anti-social behaviour? Pupil: I once found some rubber johnnies…

Pupil: (Directed to Nick) I’ve seen you working in Argos…

Dawn: What’s your name?
Pupil: Daryl but you can call me knuckles…

Nick: What’s your name?
Pupil: Josh but you can call me Elton John-I’m his biggest fan…

Dawn: Why is it wrong to take drugs?
Pupil: It is ok as long as it’s not in front of your Granny…

Nick: Do you have any classroom rules?
Pupil: Don’t run down the corridor?
Nick: How should you go down the corridor?
Pupil: On your legs…

Dawn: What else might you find in empty houses?
Pupil: Scrubbers… (whole class laughs, child goes bright red and admits he meant squatters).…

Originally posted by SimonS

Dawn: What else might you find in empty houses?
Pupil: Scrubbers… (whole class laughs, child goes bright red and admits he meant squatters).…

lol, That had me in stitches...

Joel

this is a stor told to me b an ewo of long standing Thats school bobby to you )

he was escorting a young lad to school and the boy was lagging behind talking to his mate as they walked.
the lad turned to the other and asked whats your new dad called, which the other replied oh its so and so. (cant tell you actual name) oh said the first boy , we had him last week he's crap!:confused: :hihi:

If you liked that one you will enjoy this....

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are an incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an vagina on the top of its head. (Billy age 6)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mam has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 8)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mam went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
__________________

:D

That was brilliant. Must pretend to work now as the whole team have just seen me in hysterics at my computer.....

There's always time for one more though.....

I saw a picture on the wall of my nieces nursery by a six year old girl saying "This is my best friend Emily. I lik her."

Now that's the kind of friends you want!

On finding a 5 yr old child's pullover in School Hall, I took it to his classroom.
Oh said his Teacher, What do yiou say to Mrs Green for finding it.
purrit or theer, said the child.


Chiild on writing about his teacher bringing old pennies in to show them.
Miss Scott brought her fathers old penis in to show us today

hazel

My friend is a primary school teacher in Sheffield & was preparing some work about King Knut. He had wrote some information about Knut on the black board with the name King Knut at the centre of the board. In walks one of the pupils, a lad, takes one look at the board then turns to the rest of the class with an incredulous look then blurts out his reaction in a very broad Sheffield accent, ''Eh! King C**t!'' My reacher friend had to pretend to go & get some paper from the stores because he could not not contain himself from creasing up with laughter.

Thanks for that - they've made my day. Got mascara running down my cheeks now I laughed so much !!:thumbsup: :D :D

...Everyone in my office was wetting themselves reading this today.

They all had to go home in the spare underwear kept in the cupboard.

Originally posted by SimonS
...Everyone in my office was wetting themselves reading this today.

They all had to go home in the spare underwear kept in the cupboard. Do you work in a day centre?:confused:

Originally posted by miniminch
Do you work in a day centre?:confused:

No but sometimes it feels like I do.

A customer of mine once told me a tale about an incident at the school where she worked.

A child was taken ill during the lunch break and was took to the office to contact her parents.

Her mums number was first on the list but the lady was out, so the secretary was about to ring the childs father on his work number, but stopped when she noticed his name was not on the sheet.

The secretary asked the child "What do you call your daddy"
To which the child replied "Dad"

"Yes but whats his first name"

"Dad"

"OK" Bit of lateral thinking needed here..."What does your Mummy call him though"

The child chirps up....."Fruity"

Too fuuny





ttfn

in the school i help out at, the children were doing a project on healthy eating and were talking about fruit and veg. the teacher asked the children to name some types of 'berry', to which the children answered, strawberry, blueberry etc. "anyone name any more?" the teacher asked, and a little boy replied "Sainsbury".

bless them! its amazing how their minds work!:)

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures,or write about their experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny,and some that were sad. Here are some of them.The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.


* This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

* Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

* Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

* I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

* My goldfish died. Why?. (Katie age 5)

* If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

* I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

* A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age

* My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

* When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

* I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

* I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

* Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

* My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

* When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

* When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun.(Lauren age 7)

* A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

* When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

* Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age

* On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

Have just read this out loud to cheer up my office. It went down (no pun intended) very well. Thank you :thumbsup:

Although it had already been done here (http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=46516&) ...:hihi:

If you haven't already read this (http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=58391) thread you must!!

It is very, very funny!!

:D