DIDO
30-01-2009, 21:01
Tips for Southerners moving North
1, Save all your beef fat. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2, If you forget a Northener's name refer to him (or her) as ''Love''.
3, Just because you can't drive on snow and ice does not mean we have to give you lifts everywhere.
4, If you do run your car in a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a 4 wheel drive with a 12-pack of Carly Special and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5, Don't be surprised to find video rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
6, Do not try to buy fresh pasta. A thump in the gob tends to offend.
7, If it can't be fried in lard, it ain't worth cooking.
8, Remember. ''Us'' is singular. ''Thaa'' is plural. ''Thaas'' is plural possessive.
9, There is nothing sillier than a Southener imitating a northern accent, unless it is a Northerner imitating a Brummie accent.
10, Get used to hearing, ''Tha not from round ere, are tha''.
11, People walk slower.
12, Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13, The first Northern expression to creep into a transplanted Southener's vocabulary is ''me ducks''. Eighty-five percent end their new northern dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14, The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15, Be advised, the words''He were a southern bugger'' is a legal defence up here.
16, If attending a funeral in the north, take of your baseball hat of when everyone else does.
17, If you hear a Northern kid exclaim, ''Ayup, come and look at this!'', stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will say before the explosion.
18, Most Northeners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a northern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19, Southeners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their windcreen that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20, The summer wardrobe you always brought in April can wait till July.
21, If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most miniscule accumulation of sun, your presence is required at the local chemist. It does not matter if you need anything from there, it is just something you are supposed to do.
22, Satellite dishes are very popular in the North. When you purchse one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your caravan. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the caravan and should therefore, be displayed.
23, Blizzards and Northeners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a caravan.
24, Leeds does NOT have a castle, no matter how often you ask us.
25, In Northen churches you will hear the hymn, '' Come all Ye Faithfull''. You also hear expressions such as, ''Bugger me , Lord''. ''God knows'', ''Jesus wept'', and ''God help the poor cow''.
26, As you are cursing the person driving at 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many people learned to drive in a vehicle known as a Reliant Robin, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27, You can ask a Northerner for directions, but unless you already know the exact positions of canals, pubs, coal mines, railway crossings, and where factories used to stand, you'r better off trying to find it yourself.
1, Save all your beef fat. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2, If you forget a Northener's name refer to him (or her) as ''Love''.
3, Just because you can't drive on snow and ice does not mean we have to give you lifts everywhere.
4, If you do run your car in a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a 4 wheel drive with a 12-pack of Carly Special and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5, Don't be surprised to find video rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
6, Do not try to buy fresh pasta. A thump in the gob tends to offend.
7, If it can't be fried in lard, it ain't worth cooking.
8, Remember. ''Us'' is singular. ''Thaa'' is plural. ''Thaas'' is plural possessive.
9, There is nothing sillier than a Southener imitating a northern accent, unless it is a Northerner imitating a Brummie accent.
10, Get used to hearing, ''Tha not from round ere, are tha''.
11, People walk slower.
12, Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13, The first Northern expression to creep into a transplanted Southener's vocabulary is ''me ducks''. Eighty-five percent end their new northern dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14, The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15, Be advised, the words''He were a southern bugger'' is a legal defence up here.
16, If attending a funeral in the north, take of your baseball hat of when everyone else does.
17, If you hear a Northern kid exclaim, ''Ayup, come and look at this!'', stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will say before the explosion.
18, Most Northeners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a northern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19, Southeners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their windcreen that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20, The summer wardrobe you always brought in April can wait till July.
21, If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most miniscule accumulation of sun, your presence is required at the local chemist. It does not matter if you need anything from there, it is just something you are supposed to do.
22, Satellite dishes are very popular in the North. When you purchse one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your caravan. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the caravan and should therefore, be displayed.
23, Blizzards and Northeners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a caravan.
24, Leeds does NOT have a castle, no matter how often you ask us.
25, In Northen churches you will hear the hymn, '' Come all Ye Faithfull''. You also hear expressions such as, ''Bugger me , Lord''. ''God knows'', ''Jesus wept'', and ''God help the poor cow''.
26, As you are cursing the person driving at 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many people learned to drive in a vehicle known as a Reliant Robin, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27, You can ask a Northerner for directions, but unless you already know the exact positions of canals, pubs, coal mines, railway crossings, and where factories used to stand, you'r better off trying to find it yourself.