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jobee
18-10-2008, 02:42 PM
Autumn/fall

The ground awash with dying leaves,
as dismissive, sleepy, wearisome, trees,
cast them off to flutter down,
and die unwanted on winter's ground.

Cold and cheerless the autumn air,
offers nothing to help or care,
huddled together as if for cheer,
but spiteful winds divide and clear.

All the browns and ochre’s too,
nature's carpet open to view,
every single shade of green,
as nature's palette reigns supreme.

Twigs and branches strewn around,
Magpies search and probe the ground,
foxes peek, search and inquire,
approach and stop as if to admire.

Cautiously taking a guarded stance,
ever fearful of man's violence,
The sky above cold and blue,
clouds mixed in a grey and white hue.

And then to man we next enquire,
as extra warmth he does require,
all wrapped up in jumpers new.
fearing colds and chills anew.

Then the autumn day is done,
giving way to nights kingdom,
a chilly cold and watery sky.
watches nature's foliage die.


John Bishop
Copyright © - John Bishop - All rights reserved


Blind faith psychosis.

What is it then that makes them pray,
that makes them creep and crawl all day,
that makes them read some silly script,
their pride and confidence slyly stripped ?

What is it then that transfers their minds,
to heavens and angels and spiritual kinds,
to attend Cathedrals in little groups,
then dress in robes as exemplar troops ?

What is it then that makes them build,
on fertile land where food was tilled,
huge Mosques; and Cathedrals too,
just to sing and confess anew?

Does it help in anyway,
to wile away the hours of day,
dressed in best and on their knees,
praying to anything and making pleas?

Is it selfishness that makes them think,
we all need them to cower and shrink,
on our behalf at their request,
so that our souls be sublimely blessed?

The whiff of selfishness stirs the air,
I think it’s just themselves they care,
the work is easy and less to think,
from competition they wilt and shrink.

This God they advocate with fuss,
when ask for proof, they won’t discuss,
O proof, O proof; what for you need ?
the devils home you’ll go with speed.

My lucid mind begins to stir,
I’m in the hands of a blackmailer,
I only ask; for what your sales?
they came back as hard as nails.

So business then shall prevail,
In Woolworth’s by an honest sale,
the Church an inquisition me thinks,
proof of God surely brinks.
jobee
__________________
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Halibut
18-10-2008, 02:44 PM
Heartfelt I'm sure - but my considered opinion is that as poetry its pretty third rate.

shoeshine
18-10-2008, 06:08 PM
Heartfelt I'm sure - but my considered opinion is that as poetry its pretty third rate.

Some pointers from you on how to improve the poems would be appreciated, Halibut.

Haven't I come across you once before in this Section? :huh:

Oh yes! I remember now. :rolleyes:

DonnaMadonna
18-10-2008, 07:00 PM
Halibut, why not post some of your own so that we can see that you actually know what you're talking about?!

mikomi
18-10-2008, 07:04 PM
Heartfelt I'm sure - but my considered opinion is that as poetry its pretty third rate.

That's OK your opinion isn't worth noteing , the poems from jobee were good. Of course you could always post a verse of your own !!.

DonnaMadonna
18-10-2008, 07:13 PM
That's OK your opinion isn't worth noteing , the poems from heartfelt were good. Of course you could always post a verse of your own !!.

too true, come on let's see some of your work buddy!

shoeshine
18-10-2008, 10:24 PM
Heartfelt I'm sure - but my considered opinion is that as poetry its pretty third rate.

Here is more of jobee's work posted shortly after your comments here today, Halibut

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showpost.php?p=4198708&postcount=1

I think you owe jobee a sincere apology on this thread for your comments made here. :mad:

Halibut
18-10-2008, 10:27 PM
Here is more of jobee's work posted shortly after your comments here today, Halibut

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showpost.php?p=4198708&postcount=1

I think you owe jobee a sincere apology on this thread for your comments made here. :mad:

Why? It's another example of spectacularly poor poetry and I make no apology for saying so.

Are you suggesting that it has some merit? If so, what?

Halibut
18-10-2008, 10:28 PM
I mean -

''Air raid sirens howled and moaned,
“I bet it’s Birmingham" she groaned.''

- it's dire.

jobee
18-10-2008, 10:47 PM
Heartfelt I'm sure - but my considered opinion is that as poetry its pretty third rate.

Yes Halibut, rewrite psychosis I would like to see the result.

Halibut
18-10-2008, 10:54 PM
Yes Halibut, rewrite psychosis I would like to see the result.

I don't think it's salvageable - sorry! No offence intended Jobee, but I think your work is clunky, formulaic and predictable. Your reliance on rhyme leads you into some pretty shocking corners - like the one I quoted earlier. Moaned/groaned - not good......

Stephen Fry has written an excellent book called 'The ode less travelled' about how to write poetry. I think you'd do well to lay hands on a copy and see what you can do with a bit of guidance.

jobee
19-10-2008, 12:47 PM
I don't think it's salvageable - sorry! No offence intended Jobee, but I think your work is clunky, formulaic and predictable. Your reliance on rhyme leads you into some pretty shocking corners - like the one I quoted earlier. Moaned/groaned - not good......

Stephen Fry has written an excellent book called 'The ode less travelled' about how to write poetry. I think you'd do well to lay hands on a copy and see what you can do with a bit of guidance.

What is wrong with moaned/groaned.

I dont want to read anyone's poetry.

I would like to see one of yours, just to prove your not a yak yak yak man.

jobee
19-10-2008, 12:56 PM
I don't think it's salvageable - sorry! No offence intended Jobee, but I think your work is clunky, formulaic and predictable. Your reliance on rhyme leads you into some pretty shocking corners - like the one I quoted earlier. Moaned/groaned - not good......

Stephen Fry has written an excellent book called 'The ode less travelled' about how to write poetry. I think you'd do well to lay hands on a copy and see what you can do with a bit of guidance.

I don't think it's salvageable - sorry!

O come on, all that reading you,ve done, are you saying it's all a waste of time-perform maestro, lead by example.

Halibut
19-10-2008, 12:57 PM
I would like to see one of yours, just to prove your not a yak yak yak man.

I haven't any to show you, but why would you think my opinion invalid without showing you my own work?

Here - have a look at this piece

Bayonet Charge by Ted Hughes

Suddenly he awoke and was running - raw
In raw seamed hot khaki, his sweat heavy,
Stumbling across a field of clods towards a green hedge
That dazzled with rifle fire, hearing
Bullets smacking the belly out of the air -
He lugged a rifle numb as a smashed arm;

//

Threw up a yellow hare that rolled like a flame
And crawled in a threshing circle, it's mouth wide
Open silent, it's eyes standing out.

//

GL Note: Full quotation of poem edited for copyright reasons.

What Hughes does really well here is create memorable and effective images - 'bullets smacking the bellly out of the air' and the hare that 'rollled like a flame'.

Notice the absence of rhyme?

Halibut
19-10-2008, 01:04 PM
I don't think it's salvageable - sorry!

O come on, all that reading you,ve done, are you saying it's all a waste of time-perform maestro, lead by example.

I'm not claiming to be a good poet! You offered up your work for appraisal and I've given you my honest opinion.

jobee
19-10-2008, 01:13 PM
I'm not claiming to be a good poet! You offered up your work for appraisal and I've given you my honest opinion.

OK, no one is perfect, I dont read poetry at all.


Hughes looks in good form.

Halibut
19-10-2008, 01:20 PM
OK, no one is perfect, I dont read poetry at all.


Jobee, you're missing out on some brilliant stuff. I gather from your subject matter that you're ex-forces, right? There are some stunningly good poems out there that you could read. If you want to keep on writing it'd be great for you to read other poets - you'll get loads of ideas about the possibilities, the various forms and so on. Don't let my criticism put you off - let it be a spur to finding out how much better you can be.

Here's another of my favourite war poems - Wilfred Owens' Anthem for Doomed Youth. (http://www.warpoetry.co.uk/owen2.html)

Hughes looks in good form.

Doesn't he just! My favourite poet.

jobee
26-10-2008, 05:23 PM
Why? It's another example of spectacularly poor poetry and I make no apology for saying so.

Are you suggesting that it has some merit? If so, what?



Jobee after Hughes-
Psychosis.
-------
Buildings strong, high, power, safe.
Confidence lapsed, hopes veneer.
Cryptic book, unclear, huddled mass.
Sheep together, strength, robes awe.
Praying to what?, why?, fear.
Minds drift, celestial immortality.

continued==:help:




.

pattricia
26-10-2008, 05:26 PM
Looks excellent to me. Better than I could do !:thumbsup:

jobee
26-10-2008, 05:31 PM
Looks excellent to me. Better than I could do !:thumbsup:

Cheers-you made my day.j

Peacock Lady
27-10-2008, 12:05 AM
Um--Ted Hughes's work is still in copyright, so posting it here is an infringement of that copyright. I know it's been attributed but still, it's bad form (as well as being illegal) to post so much of a poem like that. You'd be wise to edit it out, apart from a line or two.

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