Sorry this is being posted in October...but since I just joined, I thought I'd better post late rather than never.

I'm not too happy with the ending of this one, so any advice greatly appreciated. I read it and think it is ok based on the idea, then I reread it and think it is too abrupt with a quick and easy get out. But in a way that is what I wanted. Not sure, I have confused myself!

Anyway, here you are.

Albert (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1223206269.rtf)

I think your right in what your saying, shame really it was going well untill the ending came to soon, and that was disappointing. Naughty you, do it all again .

Hi ya archaeobard
Nice to have you on board and thanks for the post.
I must admit I am a bit confused, not so much with the story, which I will comment on later, but more with the author.
The story seems a bit out of character, am I right in assuming you sometimes answer to the name of Katia? Forgive me if I’m wrong, it’s the ramblings of an old man. :suspect:

I think your right in what your saying, shame really it was going well untill the ending came to soon, and that was disappointing. Naughty you, do it all again .

Yeah, I think I will take the idea and expand. I really wasn't happy with it. I will make it the start of something better I think.

Hi ya archaeobard
am I right in assuming you sometimes answer to the name of Katia? Forgive me if I’m wrong, it’s the ramblings of an old man. :suspect:

And which old man would this be? It's not out of character for me, I write many things...

Hi ya archaeobard
Nice to have you on board and thanks for the post.
I must admit I am a bit confused, not so much with the story, which I will comment on later, but more with the author.
The story seems a bit out of character, am I right in assuming you sometimes answer to the name of Katia? Forgive me if I’m wrong, it’s the ramblings of an old man. :suspect:

coyleys, do you know something we don't, cum on do-ya:o

coyleys, do you know something we don't, cum on do-ya:o

Not for me to say; but a bit of an enigma puts a bit of spice in the group. :suspect:

I'm not really an enigma!! I posted about my previous writing experience in my intro post...no biggy. Now I am intrigued about what Coyleys thinks...

so Archaeobard the Mysterious...cool new name...we should learn so much more about you ;) then again i already do.

hello everyone i would also like to join this group so see you all soon

Now I am intrigued about what Coyleys thinks...

Hi ya Archaeobard.
I’m sorry if I seemed to have come across as condescending, it was not my intension, so please except my apologies.
I have read some of your Xena – Gabrielle stories and have to say I’m impressed, I must read them all.
Your “The Clutch of Fate” was equally impressive; I do like that particular style of writing, but your “Albert” failed for me (sorry). I found it confusing, Well! Not so much confusing but more flat, that is why I thought it was so out of character with what had gone before. I realise one is limited to the amount of info in such a short piece, had it been the intro to a larger piece then fine.
I agree with you on the ending being abrupt, maybe....
Albert’s father was murdered and his mistress was found guilty, maybe hanged, years later it became known that the love affair had had such a devastating subconscious affect on young Albert, that it was Albert who sleep-walked and killed his father.( A bit Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde'ish.) The story was Albert’s confession.
So there you have it.
Bye-for-now

Hi Archae,

I liked your story.

I thought it was beautifully written.

I also liked the fact that it was short, which meant that I could read it twice in less than 5 minutes, leaving me loads of time to get on with my work. Having said that, I think it could have been shorter still. If you'd ended at "He was a coward" then it would have all fitted neatly onto 1 page. By ending at that point I would also be left pondering the story, debating all sorts of stuff with myself, rather than being left deflated by the discovery it was a dream.

cheers

Archaeobard

As a (very) short story, I think it was ok, but flawed. I liked the start but it was all over too quickly.

Furthermore, and this was the worry for me, it was important for the story that Albert believed it wasn't his mother lying in the bed, but the reasons he gave for believing it wasn't her were very flimsy. He saw his father in such detail, but didn't extend the same degree of observation to his mother.

Unless I've got the whole thing wrong :D

I'm still reading your first story, so forgive me for not adding my twopennyworth yet!

Archaeobard

Unless I've got the whole thing wrong :D



Reading it again, seems like I got the whole thing wrong. Sorry Archae!

Thanks all for your feedback.

I think I may take the idea of the story and make it into something bigger. To be honest, I don't like it that much and I wrote it too quickly. I didn't do the headwork on character relations (thanks Tallyman).

Ron_Blanco, you are right, to end it as a dream is deflating and an easy out for which I have chastised myself.

Coyleys - You didn't come across as condescending at all...guess I shouldn't be surprised that people have read my Xena stuff, my website is the top of a Google search on my handle. And a horrid interview second that is no longer true by any stretch of the imagination! The Xena and Gabrielle stuff, huh? Well, I am not so impressed with those myself now, I wrote them a long, long time ago. The Janice and Mel stuff I still like. Well, I guess I sometimes chuckle at the other stuff, but all I see when I re-read are errors and bad expression.

Thanks all for reading and I will take the suggestions onboard and rewrite something that is less confusing and abrupt.