My partner has a higher sex drive than me, we have a toddler and I am often drained by bed time. Im in my 40s
Last night because I was not interested, which does happen a lot, Im reading in bed, hes in bed with laptop, I notice hes got Bondage pics of women on and his intention is to lie there and make himself happy!!
I said I thought this unacceptable and he ummed and arred and eventually :suspect:put it away so to speak!!
Your thoughts please.

Ya mardy bum!!:hihi:

So you don't want sex with him and you won't let him sort himself out? Poor guy!

Have you tried mornings rather than late evenings? People's interest often varies at different times of the day and night.

I ask this because you're online posting about sex and porn ... and it's only 9.30 am?? :hihi:

I think you need to talk to him about how you can both respect each other's needs. I would consider what he did to be inconsiderate and selfish, but he's being open with you and that's definitely a plus.

Was he trying to get you in the mood? (!!) Was he trying to make a point that he's sexually frustrated? Is there anything he could be doing to help you get in the mood after a draining day? It's not easy to switch from mum to 'wife' mode just like that. I know I want a relaxing evening, an attentive partner, some emotional connection, some conversation etc. If I'm rushing around getting housework done or the kids were late getting to sleep, I know that it takes more than a wink to put me in the mood, if you get my drift!

Have you tried mornings rather than late evenings? People's interest often varies at different times of the day and night.

I ask this because you're online posting about sex and porn ... and it's only 9.30 am?? :hihi:

Good suggestion.

I personally wouldn't object to his 'pleasuring himself' (awful expression but Family Forum etc) with or without said bondage pics. If your libido is at an all time low, do you not feel relieved that it takes the pressure off you?

i prefer mornings :P
normally too drunk or tired at nights, although if i am in the mood i need to.....what suffy said, or i cant get to sleep easily if "shes" not in the mood and i dont.

It is difficult when you have been running about after little uns all day, sometimes you`re knackered, but you still have to make time for eachother.
Has his sex drive always been higher than yours or is it since baby was born?
Perhaps he just wants some attention?
You really need to speak to him about this before it causes problems, I know I`m a right mardy arse if I`m not getting any!;)

I know I`m a right mardy arse if I`m not getting any!;)
blimey you must never get any then :D

errrrrrrrrrrm
*gets coat*

blimey you must never get any then :D

errrrrrrrrrrm
*gets coat*

Sharrap!!:rant:
:hihi::hihi:

He does get it 2 or 3 x a week which I think is enough. I am on a tablet for depression after having a baby and a traumatic 6 years with him which he was alchohol dependent until recently. I am drained and want some respect.

He does get it 2 or 3 x a week which I think is enough. I am on a tablet for depression after having a baby and a traumatic 6 years with him which he was alchohol dependent until recently. I am drained and want some respect.

Personally I think it goes a lot deeper than the sex thing, sounds as though you may resent him slightly, perhaps counselling may help?

He does get it 2 or 3 x a week which I think is enough. I am on a tablet for depression after having a baby and a traumatic 6 years with him which he was alchohol dependent until recently. I am drained and want some respect.

Anti-depressants can affect one's libido.

It sounds like you've had a really rough time and I agree he should be cutting you some slack.

I personally prefer mornings and afternoons. Couldn't you slope off whilst your toddler has an afternoon nap?

He does get it 2 or 3 x a week which I think is enough. I am on a tablet for depression after having a baby and a traumatic 6 years with him which he was alchohol dependent until recently. I am drained and want some respect.

You deserve it. Who do have have around that you can confide in? Is he respectful otherwise? You're having sex 2 or 3 times a week despite being on medication, being depressed and having a toddler to deal with. That doesn't sound like an unreasonable situation for your parter to be in. Is there someone you trust that you can confide in? Would he go to counselling with you?

Knocking one out's ok - In bed with the wife is a bit strong.

Thankyou Mr Vesta.

I am sure most women would view 2 or 3 times a week enough.

I think my partner has a bad view of women, why are women who are tied up and helpless so appealing.

He is down for counseling after a bad childhood, alchoholic dad and mum who put up and shut up.

Knocking one out's ok - In bed with the wife is a bit strong.

I don't have a problem with that in the slightest. It can be very sexy watching a man err - family forum etc.

If you`ve no sex drive, couldnt you have just given your partner *ahem* `hand relief`? :heyhey:

He does get it 2 or 3 x a week which I think is enough. I am on a tablet for depression after having a baby and a traumatic 6 years with him which he was alchohol dependent until recently. I am drained and want some respect.

Really it depends on his intentions. He might be really insensitive by looking at bondage pics in front of you, but not mean to be hurtful. But if I was in your situation I'd be quite pee'd off by it, considering your health circumstances and that you supported him for so long when he was having problems with alcohol. I'd be annoyed that he didn't have more consideration when I was tired/ unwell. After all, if the shoe was on the other foot and he was having erection problems, or was working really long hours and was too tired for sex, would he be happy if you were looking at pics of well-hung young men in front of him? Most men would be really upset.

There's not necessarily anything wrong with bondage, but with the issues you've mentioned above about his childhood it puts a different light on it...

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

I am sure most women would view 2 or 3 times a week enough.


wish my missus thought that was enough, i barely get it once a week, normally once or twice a fortnight :(

"Some other time dear, I'm tied up at the moment.":?

Be honest now would you rather he looked at a couple of "gentlemens sites" and took himself in hand or would it be better if he went elsewhere looking for it?

I appreciate you are tired and on medication but he has needs and drives as well. He was also being honest about what he was doing and did it in front of you. So what exactly is your issue?

Be honest now would you rather he looked at a couple of "gentlemens sites" and took himself in hand or would it be better if he went elsewhere looking for it?

I appreciate you are tired and on medication but he has needs and drives as well. He was also being honest about what he was doing and did it in front of you. So what exactly is your issue?

I think it depends really on whether he was trying to be considerate about it or deliberately rubbing her face in it and trying to make her feel bad. Difficult to tell from the OP.

I think it depends really on whether he was trying to be considerate about it or deliberately rubbing her face in it and trying to make her feel bad. Difficult to tell from the OP.

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

:P :P :P

I did wonder about writing that but couldn't think of another way to put it! :hihi:

He does get it 2 or 3 x a week which I think is enough. I am on a tablet for depression after having a baby and a traumatic 6 years with him which he was alchohol dependent until recently. I am drained and want some respect.

maybe he is a bit jelious of the baby, maybe he thinks its getting more attention than him.

2 or 3 times a week should be enough

i know what its like to be depressed and on anti depressants and off sex, my late hubby used to sometimes be narky with me as i was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow with the tablets. i had them at night as i could not sleep, he mostly only wanted sex at 3,4 or 5 oclock in the morning when he came to bed and i had been in bed at least 3 hours or more and couldnt keep awake on the tablets.

if he wants to get off with his mag then leave him to it, its a least giving you a rest, if you dont like it then tell him to go to another room to do it, maybe he thought it may turn you on or feel guilty that you give in.

My partner has a higher sex drive than me, we have a toddler and I am often drained by bed time. Im in my 40s
Last night because I was not interested, which does happen a lot, Im reading in bed, hes in bed with laptop, I notice hes got Bondage pics of women on and his intention is to lie there and make himself happy!!
I said I thought this unacceptable and he ummed and arred and eventually :suspect:put it away so to speak!!
Your thoughts please.

:gag:
I bet you feel so respected by that.
If it were me id 'cut his connection'.

I think the answer lies in the 'he get's it 2 or 3 times a week' part of your post, and other peoples references to it. After a certain amount of time together and particularly if as a couple you have a lot of demands on your free time the emphasis can benefit from changing from 'frequency' to 'quality' of sexual performance/encounter/act - call it what you will.

He's not happy with 2 or 3 times a week and you see it as a chore, or at least it sounds like that from your post. It will be difficult but you really need to talk about it and try to set aside a bit of time when you feel that you can have an enjoyable time rather than some thing that becomes 'doing your duty'.

It must be a nightmare juggling a toddler, your partners illness and the day to day stuff too. So you really do need some time for you, and if you could combine it with keeping him happy as well then you could make progress. Your partner needs to know that you understand needs are not in tune with yours at the moment and that you want to do something about it. But it takes two to make things happen and he needs to realise he has a part to play as well, and what you consider acceptable.

Good luck

Have you spoken to him about it?

Personally if it was me I wouldn't have a problem, I'd much rather my OH would be honest about it rather than doing it secretivly (sorry I'm rubbish at spelling) as it would mean he was happy and I wouldn't feel pestered to have sex when I'm not in the mood (I'm on anti-depressents so my sex drive is quite low at the moment). Mind you we talk alot about stuff, including sex, so I wouldn't find out in such a upfront way, I think you definatly need to talk to him about it.

He does get it 2 or 3 x a week which I think is enough. I am on a tablet for depression after having a baby and a traumatic 6 years with him which he was alchohol dependent until recently. I am drained and want some respect.

Many I suggest you try a different antidepressant. Most of them reduce the libedo but not all of them. Depression is a difficult illness to treat and medication have lots of side effects.

I do hope things improve in all area.

I never got why people were bothered about the partners watching/reading porn (and I use the term "reading" there quite wrongly). It never bothered me but most women I know hated it. It seemed to me that if you tried to forbid it, it'd just make it all the more tempting anyway. And as long as they were only drooling over a magazine/video at least they weren't likely to bring home any "downstairs nasties".

I know I'm in the minority for this, as I've had the same debate with most of my friends who hold opposing views, many times. But I still can't really see why it bothers people :confused:

I never got why people were bothered about the partners watching/reading porn (and I use the term "reading" there quite wrongly). It never bothered me but most women I know hated it. It seemed to me that if you tried to forbid it, it'd just make it all the more tempting anyway. And as long as they were only drooling over a magazine/video at least they weren't likely to bring home any "downstairs nasties".

I know I'm in the minority for this, as I've had the same debate with most of my friends who hold opposing views, many times. But I still can't really see why it bothers people :confused:

I agree. The sexual politics of porn is something I have issues with, however, that said, I have no problems with Mr S consuming porn (although if he does he does it very discreetly) or DIY jobs etc.

I never got why people were bothered about the partners watching/reading porn (and I use the term "reading" there quite wrongly). It never bothered me but most women I know hated it. It seemed to me that if you tried to forbid it, it'd just make it all the more tempting anyway. And as long as they were only drooling over a magazine/video at least they weren't likely to bring home any "downstairs nasties".

I know I'm in the minority for this, as I've had the same debate with most of my friends who hold opposing views, many times. But I still can't really see why it bothers people :confused:

I think it's perfectly ok in most cases, i.e. as long as one partner isn't using it as a way of making the other feel guilty or inadequate, that was what concerned me about the OP, and it sounds like there might be lots of other issues concerning respect, emotional issues etc. I'm not sure whether porn is actually the problem in their relationship or whether it's more about general respect and consideration. From her posts it sounds like she's unhappy with a few things.

why not try reading the porn together, instead of reading your book/magazine? That's what we USED to do! Not giving any clues here though!:hihi:

(although if he does he does it very discreetly) or DIY jobs etc.
nowt wrong with knocking a few shelves up

errrrrrrrm

I think it's perfectly ok in most cases, i.e. as long as one partner isn't using it as a way of making the other feel guilty or inadequate, that was what concerned me about the OP, and it sounds like there might be lots of other issues concerning respect, emotional issues etc. I'm not sure whether porn is actually the problem in their relationship or whether it's more about general respect and consideration. From her posts it sounds like she's unhappy with a few things.

I suppose if you're doing it in a spiteful way it's not good. But if somebody is very against the idea in the first place (as many women I know are) they could see it as being done in a nasty way when that isn't the intention, iyswim? Because they're already prejudiced against their bloke doing it anyway.

I've never found the appeal of porn for myself but it does seem to be something that a lot of men like, and I never had a problem with that. Each to their own, and all that. I can't see it being any different to a woman reading a romance book (with or without sex in it). It's just escapism to me, and wouldn't impact on a relationship I had.

My partner has a higher sex drive than me, we have a toddler and I am often drained by bed time. Im in my 40s
Last night because I was not interested, which does happen a lot, Im reading in bed, hes in bed with laptop, I notice hes got Bondage pics of women on and his intention is to lie there and make himself happy!!
I said I thought this unacceptable and he ummed and arred and eventually :suspect:put it away so to speak!!
Your thoughts please.

IMO hes trying to tell you what else he would prefer in bed, if in a somewhat ermm... basic way.
Why else would he be so blatant in watching bondage on a lappie next to you ...in bed !

It seems he gets what he wants 2 or 3 times a week.....well done you ! -PND can be crippling, and juggling that with a toddler and medication all those combined - your libido must have taken a massive downturn.

The only thing i can say, for what it's worth , is talk to him about his preferences, and tell him how you feel in return.

Does he see to the baby in the night ?
Does he help you during the day ?
Does he cook for you?
Does he make you feel special?
Does he take any pressure off you in any way ?

All these things are worth a discussion between yourselves.

Hope things get sorted out very soon .

Take care :)

I've never found the appeal of porn for myself but it does seem to be something that a lot of men like, and I never had a problem with that. Each to their own, and all that. I can't see it being any different to a woman reading a romance book (with or without sex in it). It's just escapism to me, and wouldn't impact on a relationship I had.

That is a very interesting analogy you've raised here. Mills and Boon: The female equivalent of porn: Discuss.

I suppose if you're doing it in a spiteful way it's not good. But if somebody is very against the idea in the first place (as many women I know are) they could see it as being done in a nasty way when that isn't the intention, iyswim? Because they're already prejudiced against their bloke doing it anyway.

I've never found the appeal of porn for myself but it does seem to be something that a lot of men like, and I never had a problem with that. Each to their own, and all that. I can't see it being any different to a woman reading a romance book (with or without sex in it). It's just escapism to me, and wouldn't impact on a relationship I had.

Same here. But as for the OP's situation, only she can judge whether there's spite involved or not I suppose, and whether she's opposed to him looking at porn per se, or just in this context. As I said in an earlier post, if he was having problems in the bedroom and she started leering over pictures of naked men whilst in bed with him, would he be ok with it? Or would it make him feel inadequate and worthless?

It depends massively on the individual's intentions, which we obviously don't know. :| But it definitely sounds like there are other problems with communication, respect etc which need to be addressed.

That is a very interesting analogy you've raised here. Mills and Boon: The female equivalent of porn: Discuss.

If I had to choose between Mills and Boon and porn I'd choose porn. Just the twee covers are enough to put me off! :hihi: Not sure what that says... :suspect:

I went through a phase of not wanting sex with my partner until she eventually spiked my cocktail with Viagra. Now I'm never sure whether I'm drinking a pina colada or a penis enlarger.

It sounds a bit of an awkward situation for the OP... Personally, I enjoy porn and doubt I am in a large minority of women.... I guess it depends on how visual a person a woman is, and as men tend to be more visual and women more mentally stimulated, i guess it makes sense a lot of women dont like it. I'd suggest talking everything through in a calm, cool manner waaaaay before bed and try and come to compromises.

It sounds a bit of an awkward situation for the OP... Personally, I enjoy porn and doubt I am in a large minority of women.... I guess it depends on how visual a person a woman is, and as men tend to be more visual and women more mentally stimulated, i guess it makes sense a lot of women dont like it. I'd suggest talking everything through in a calm, cool manner waaaaay before bed and try and come to compromises.

Porn is fantastic if it's enjoyed by both parties :blush: -
but if one partner is unhappy with it then we stray into feelings of inadequacy and impossible comparison quotas!

After reading through your posts Skinny dog a couple of things jumped out at me.
Firstly it is normal for women's libido to fluctuate after having a baby for quite a while I think, I know that I was certainly not particularly "interested" for a couple of years or more... this though leads on quite nicely to my next point.

I didn't like my Husband any more, I loved him but because of things that happened I didn't like him, I think that you might understand what I mean by that, something that you said was very telling as well you said "he gets it twice a week" ...he gets it which indicates that you do it for him not because you enjoy it?

It seems to me that you perhaps need some quiet time between you where you concentrate less on sex and more on being friends again and remembering what was once important and what you first loved in each other, I think that your feelings will then come back for him in a sexual way too, once you let go of resentments.

After reading through your posts Skinny dog a couple of things jumped out at me.
Firstly it is normal for women's libido to fluctuate after having a baby for quite a while I think, I know that I was certainly not particularly "interested" for a couple of years or more... this though leads on quite nicely to my next point.

I didn't like my Husband any more, I loved him but because of things that happened I didn't like him, I think that you might understand what I mean by that, something that you said was very telling as well you said "he gets it twice a week" ...he gets it which indicates that you do it for him not because you enjoy it?

It seems to me that you perhaps need some quiet time between you where you concentrate less on sex and more on being friends again and remembering what was once important and what you first loved in each other, I think that your feelings will then come back for him in a sexual way too, once you let go of resentments.

Good post! :thumbsup: I agree that the porn issue sounds like a symptom rather than the main problem.

If I had to choose between Mills and Boon and porn I'd choose porn. Just the twee covers are enough to put me off! :hihi: Not sure what that says... :suspect:

Mills and Boon is so idealistic as to be :gag: it is also so slow as to frustrate the living daylights out of someone if they are expecting a erm "release" out of it :hihi:

Personally I find most porn rather distasteful, boring and aimed at men, bring on erotica for Women now that would be very very nice...and all men should be made to watch it, there is nothing so sexy as knowing Man ;)

Mills and Boon is so idealistic as to be :gag: it is also so slow as to frustrate the living daylights out of someone if they are expecting a erm "release" out of it :hihi:

Personally I find most porn rather distasteful, boring and aimed at men, bring on erotica for Women now that would be very very nice...and all men should be made to watch it, there is nothing so sexy as knowing Man ;)

Problem is, most porn is made for a male market, i.e lesbians and ugly blokes. Although I did watch a programme about Anna Span (for some reason that name always makes me giggle :confused:), who makes porn for women based on their fantasies. And viewing should be compulsory for all men! :hihi:

She doesnt want sex, so he tugs one out, off the wrist. No problem whatsoever. If the woman think there's a problem, then there probably is. But it'll be to do with her, not him.

She doesnt want sex, so he tugs one out, off the wrist. No problem whatsoever. If the woman think there's a problem, then there probably is. But it'll be to do with her, not him.

I agree in principle, but having lone fulfilment laying next to your partner while she reads is a little too detached for my liking.
Sex can be a warm loving thing, or a hot passionate thing, but when it becomes a cold lets get it out of the way thing the couple are in trouble, I can think of nothing colder and less intimate than her reading and him looking at porn beside her errr well you know.

She doesnt want sex, so he tugs one out, off the wrist. No problem whatsoever. If the woman think there's a problem, then there probably is. But it'll be to do with her, not him.

It also depends on why the woman doesn't want to have sex in the first place... if it's because he's not satisfying her or not pressing the right buttons, that could also be a major problem that definitely needs addressing. Communication is everything with any problem. :thumbsup:

Porn is fantastic if it's enjoyed by both parties :blush: -
but if one partner is unhappy with it then we stray into feelings of inadequacy and impossible comparison quotas!

Of course. I guess it all comes down to communication and if people have different sex drives, compromise.

My partner has a higher sex drive than me, we have a toddler and I am often drained by bed time. Im in my 40s
Last night because I was not interested, which does happen a lot, Im reading in bed, hes in bed with laptop, I notice hes got Bondage pics of women on and his intention is to lie there and make himself happy!!
I said I thought this unacceptable and he ummed and arred and eventually :suspect:put it away so to speak!!
Your thoughts please.

my word! so many questions to ask!

are you not interested because you are tired? or you don't fancy your partner? did you have problem with the masturbation? or the porn?

if you're tired, go to sleep and let him get on with it!

if you don't fancy your partner, find another one!

but don't make a man feel guilty for masturbating in his own bed.

sheesh! which century are we living in? :)

Oh, please. We all know why the OP's partner looked at porn and pleasured himself next to his wife: To make her feel guilty, inadequate and replaceable. Next thing you know he'll be threatening to "get it elsewhere."

It's not like the guy has been without sex for long periods. He gets it 2 to 3 times a week. Who among us has not been sexually frustrated at some time in our lives? You deal with it because you love your partner and you know he or she is sick/tired/depressed/stressed/drunk/whatever. Hubby needs to buy himself the "Giant Book of Sudoku" and stop being so selfish.

How much do you want to bet the jerk never helps with the housework or the child-minding? I'm guessing back rubs, bubble baths and foreplay for her are rarities as well.

If I were the OP, I'd tell him to get used to the laptop and hand routine.

Oh, please. We all know why the OP's partner looked at porn and pleasured himself next to his wife: To make her feel guilty, inadequate and replaceable. Next thing you know he'll be threatening to "get it elsewhere."

It's not like the guy has been without sex for long periods. He gets it 2 to 3 times a week. Who among us has not been sexually frustrated at some time in our lives? You deal with it because you love your partner and you know he or she is sick/tired/depressed/stressed/drunk/whatever. Hubby needs to buy himself the "Giant Book of Sudoku" and stop being so selfish.

How much do you want to bet the jerk never helps with the housework or the child-minding? I'm guessing back rubs, bubble baths and foreplay for her are rarities as well.

If I were the OP, I'd tell him to get used to the laptop and hand routine.

Exactly, but everyone deals with it differenty.
She didn`t feel up to sorting him out, so he sorted it out himself.
The guy dealt with it, I don`t see what the problem is.
I don`t think its anything to do with this, but the incident has brought thingsto a head(scuse the pun) ;)

Maybe the guy was just being genuinely tactless. I'm not so sure about it being deliberate to undermine the OP. I would say that in a relationship where bith are comfortable with sexual matters, this should not be a problem. However, as others and the OP herself pointed out, there are other problems in the relationship that need addressing and the sexual aspect is a symptom of this.