I am a 33 year old with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I first developed it when I was 25. At the moment I am going through a bit of a flare up. So far it has lasted 2-3 months. I know my disease and don’t find this abnormal. I don’t particularly like the pain and immobility but I try my best to get to work and manage as best I can. I know the pain and frustration is affecting me and wearing me down. It has also started to affect my partner. She is having a hard time dealing with this flare up and sometimes feels I am pushing her away and am a different person to the one she fell in love with. She says the sparkle has gone from my eye. This is the first flare up she has had to deal with. I assure her that I am the same person, it is just that the pain is getting to me and wearing me down so I may not sparkle as much as I should.

Does anyone have any advice for my partner or me? Has anyone else gone through this and come out the other end a stronger couple? I must admit it wasn’t pleasant to be told I am a different person than the one she fell in love with. To me I feel exactly the same person, just one in pain and frustrated by things I can’t do at the minute. I know the flare up will subside in time and everything will be ok. I try to reassure my partner of this but she is struggling.

Comments would be appreciated.

Hi mate

Im speaking as the husband of an RA sufferer....Wifey has had RA since she was 17, and ive known her most of my life...went to school together etc etc

So im speaking from the view point of having to watch the person you love fight this awful problem.

Wifey has already had 2 hip replacements and 2 knee replacements (she is 43) so we are fairly well poised to comment :)

I must admit every now and then to feel a little like your wife/partner in that i see us not being able to do certain things (walking far, biking, scuba diving together etc) because of the RA, that upsets me ! so we have a few words or arguements etc.... i think thats just human nature....what i have found though throughout all this, is that as the physical body is damaged/hurt/affected by the RA , the mental body (soul, spirit whatever you want to call it) gets very very much stronger....Wifey is soooo much more mentally strong than me...and she therefore has the fight and courage to find different ways for us to enjoy our lives....i think :-

1. you have to accept and realise that its natural for your wife/partner to be upset and annoyed that the person she 1st met is "not there" through your flare ups....she wants the life that she had with you when you 1st met...naturally.... :)

2. she has to realise that you only have 100% energy...and at the moment you are using a big chunk of that dealing with your RA therfore you dont have much left for her.....naturally....you aint superhuman :)

3. both of you should take comfort in the fact that with understanding about the problem and love between the pair of you,,,you will get over this...

i think the main thing is to sit her down and explain without arguement and gently...over a bottle of wine etc....how u feel...how RA makes u feel...how much energy it takes just for you to get up in a morning !!! and im sure when she realises...just WHY the sparkle aint there at the moment, she will cut u some slack.....

hope this helps mate.

best wishes

Wolfy.

Thanks Wolfy, that about hits the nail on the head. We have had a sit down and discussions about the whole thing and how I feel and how she feels. She does understand from a mental point of view, but I think sometimes, the emotional seems to over-ride that. I know that is perfectly acceptable, as you say, we are only human. I do know that through our discussions that we have come to the conclusion that everything will work out ok and we will be stronger for it, although sometimes it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think now is one of those times. Thanks for sharing your experiences and helping me to feel less alone.

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