was a time you use too make me smile the days out you made me feel so special cant believe your gone
the tears iv cryed the flowers iv picked
the site ov you in my eyes id never forget for you was my world nothing i could freat with you by my side you made me stand tall so i pick i flower and say thank you for it all

im now all grown have kids ov my own i tell them about the stories from when i was so small i tell them the ways you use too keep me in line buy me an ice cream from time too time we would wait for the red van and off id run too pick up or favourite treat id ever forget it at all the morings id wake and run down the stirs i love staying at yours i could havrstayed there that was my place

so i say thank you once more for the smiles you gave me i loved you so much and swear id never forget your face.

The only thing that puts me off on this is the use of the txt language or is it just typos; you have put effort into your little composition only to be let down by your txt or typos.
Clean it up and I think it would make an excellent eulogy or elegy if that is the case.
Sorry Dream Clover, but it’s the old saying “you have to be cruel to be kind”
Please, let’s have some more of your little anecdotes.

Dream clover

I have to say I agree with Coyleys. You've written something very engaging; it caught my attention and I was moved enough to read it all the way through despite having to pause and interpret the typos and misspellings.

But, like Coyleys says, it was let down in the end by the spelling (or spelling style). Please post more stuff, or try a revised version of this one. I think you've written something quite moving, but it needs to be clearer.

Thanks

dream_clover, I'll edit it for you. I hope you don't mind if I do so. (I'm no poet, mind you). :)

I found it quite touching, as did previous posters on your thread here.

My time with you always made me smile
The days spent with you made me feel special
I can't believe your gone
Oh! The tears I've cried.

The flowers I've picked
The sight of you in my eyes I'll never forget
For you were my world
Nothing I could regret

With you by my side
You made me stand tall
So I pick a flower and say
"Thank you for it all".

I'm all grown up now
And have kids of my own
I tell them the stories
From when I was small


I tell them how you kept me in line
You'd buy me an ice cream from time to time
We'd wait for the red van and off I'd run
To pick up our favourite treat.

I'll never forget it at all
The mornings I'd wake
And run down the stairs
I loved staying at your place and I could have stayed there

That was my place
I loved you so much
And Ill never forget your face
Thank you once more for the smiles you gave me.


How does that look to you, Dream_clover? :)

No doubt other Writing Group Members may be able to improve on the original poem without modifying the original beyond recognition. How about it folks? :thumbsup:

Dream Clover please don’t let these comments put you off.
I have had a look at your previous postings and can safely say your problem is typos; this is easily remedied, if you are serious about writing and I think you should be, because you have passion in your writing, so get yourself a word processor there are plenty of freebies about, remember email has its own spell checker. This is not a quick fix as you still have to learn grammar but we can help you out there.
Reading your writing is a bit of déjà vu for me and reminds me of “the dark days :confused:” the days before I joined the SFWG.
Yes! You have a lot to answer for SFWG.
Keep them coming Dream Clover.:thumbsup:
Cheers

I think it's lovely, both yours and shoeshine's versions. It really captures a feeling, which is happy yet sad at the same time and reminds you of childnood. The irregular rhyme really works too, it flows happily along.

Its great to see people trying their hand at writing, we ALL have a little bit of writing talent in us and this group is perfect for encouraging people to give it a go!

Excellent stuff, Clover, lets have more! Its what the group was designed for!

thank you so much was very nervous in placing it on here but thank you for all your comments put a smile on my face i admit i have previous spelling mistakes as im not very good in that scence than
k you alot zoe

Dream Clover

No offence to Shoeshine but I found your original piece much more moving, honest and compelling. Writing is about expressing something that you need to express, that is unique to you and then communicating an essence of that to anyone who happens to read it. Which is precisely what you've done. And I agree with Saff about the rhythm and flow of your writing; it makes you want to read it out loud. I'm not at all concerned about your spelling and grammar - it's poetry not a report or an exam! Keep writing and stay true to yourself!